What do you say to those arguments? (daycare benefits)

[sophi4ka]

My daughter is 2 and I start getting more and more comments from well meaning people suggesting me to send her to a daycare for at least few days a week. The arguments that are used sound pretty rational and I don't know how to answer to them. My intuition doesn't agree with those arguments, but I don't know to logically explain why. Even to myself.

So what would you answer to those arguments?

It is good for a 2-3yo to go to a daycare because...:
1. ...they need to learn to get instruction from people other than their mother. They need to understand that their mother is not the center of the universe.

2. ...they need to learn that they are not the center of the universe themselves and that there are other kids out there.

3. ...they need to learn to be in a group of children their age

4. ...they need to learn to follow rules

5. ...they do things in a daycare that they would never do at home - all kinds of creative art activities for example, that due to certain limitations (lots of mess, busy mom, etc) cannot be done at home. So it expands their horizons.

If all this is true, then a daycare would be a great idea. But I really don't want to send DD there. I am confused...

Sophie

[MaWhit]

"This is the best choice for our family. What did you think of the game last night?

[Lillian J]

I don't think I'd even dignify that kind of utter nonsense with reason, and I think I'd just figure out a somewhat polite but firm way of expressing that. Yuk. Yuk. Yuk.

Yuk! Lillian

[Theia]

My DD is 2 also, and I just heard #1 from my mother last week. The way I see it all of these things will come in time.

I'll echo the PP. I do think that the "This choice is best for my family. Pass the bean dip" response is probably the most effective in this case. It's not worth debating, it's not their choice, and you probably won't change their minds anyway.

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by MaWhit

"This is the best choice for our family. What did you think of the game last night?

Ah, yes - the ol' bean dip approach. - Lillian

[katelove]

They don't *need* any of those things at 2 years old. Most of them will happen eventually and I personally don't consider arts and crafts to be one of life's essentials anyway, frankly. YMMV

Also from what I understand, and I admit that my research on this subject has not been exhaustive, children who have a low stress home environment have higher levels of stress hormones present when at daycare. Children whose homelife is stressful have lower levels when at daycare.

I think that, if your need daycare for your circumstances, then you need it but I don't think it is a vital, not to be missed part of growing up.

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by sophi4ka

If all this is true, then a daycare would be a great idea. But I really don't want to send DD there. I am confused...

Sorry, I was in a rush and didn't see the part about your not being so sure about all this. Here - this is a link to a page on preschool and kindergarten issues - or maybe I should more accurately just call it "early childhoold" issues. Maybe some of the articles in there can be of help.

Those arguments you're hearing are pure hogwash. Infuriating. The people throwing around those theories clearly don't know much about children and are obviously not sensitive to them. Attendance in a daycare or preschool is absolutely NOT necessary for any of the things people are harassing you about. Trust your intuition and your love of your child. - Lillian

[One_Girl]

I did send my dd to daycare, but those arguments for daycare don't make any sense and aren't the reasons I sent my dd. Number five was a nice bonus to having her in childcare, but it wasn't my reason for having her there. Your child will learn all of those things at home naturally because as children grow parents tend to enforce rules (even if only safety rules), we start having our children wait more and more while we take care of our needs and wants, we bring them to parks and out in public to play, and we expose them to situations where someone other than mom tells them what to do.

If you are living on a deserted island, never have your child wait for a few minutes when you have an urgent need or even desire to do something, and don't have any rules or boundaries then I think that you should consider branching out a bit, otherwise I think you should go with the bean dip response because those are very flimsy reasons for sending a child away from you for several hours a day when there is no real need.

[akwifeandmomma]

Well, first I would probably crack up laughing. When I was over that, I'd look them square on and say, "Oh, wait... are you really serious?"

And if they nodded or answered affirmatively, it's very likely I'd just start laughing again. I'm pretty giggly by nature, though!

# 1 - why? You are and can certainly enjoy being the center of your child's universe. For NOW. IMO, that's actually ideal, healthy, and awesome.
#s 2, 3, 4 & 5 - daycare isn't be-all, end-all or only place to learn these things, not that they're even necessary life lessons at 2 years old. Sigh.

Honestly, I'd probably not be able to contain myself long enough to carry on a conversation with someone who wanted to argue the finer points of such ridiculous arguments.

[sparkygirl74]

We were in a situation a few years ago where my SAHD husband was offered a job that we decided he needed to take. It was devastation trying to figure out wheat to do with DD who was almost two.....a friend whose parenting style didn't mesh with mine at all gave me all of those arguments and more. I told her that I wasn't trying to hurt her feelings but I felt that those were things that parents who felt guilt about daycare told themselves to feel better. I don't reccommend you use that aproach, but she had been critisizing my parenting for a long time and it just came out. I do believe it to a certain extent though...I think if daycare is neccesary than it is, but if there is a parent to stay home with the kids it is best. None of that is important for a two !year old

[pigpokey]

Benefits to institutionalizing small children from literate, loving and enriched homes? Even state funded pre-K attendance for 4 year olds doesn't seem to be holding up to scrutiny. http://www.alabamapolicy.org/gary_bl...php?id_art=293

The cost of prematurely learning those "skills" (which are really developmental tasks with no benefit to rush) are that your child will not be getting 1:1 conversation with a loving adult who has time to answer her questions, will lose out on reading time, and will be socialized to the standards of a pack of 2-3 year olds. That doesn't have anything to do with the ultimate goal -- a secure, happy and productive adult -- or the unrelated, but popular goal for many of a socially adept kindergartener. Seriously K's have a whole new set of rules from the toddler room and it can be learned on the fly at age 5. It's not something a 2 year old can even learn.

[meetoo]

I'd say Phooey!!! Sheesh they are babies still at that age not even weaned yet!

Seriously if daycare is so wonderful, then why is it everyone I know who has worked in one refuses to send their children to day care?

[womenswisdom]

Whatever did we do without daycare?! I mean, until the last, what, 40 years there WAS no daycare! Did everyone grow up to be a social misfit incapable of having an intelligent conversation? Of course not! Your child is receiving the most important interaction - with you! No one at a day care cares more about your child's well-being and development than you do and your child is learning all the things you mentioned when she is ready at playgroups, at the museum, with friends, siblings, etc.

[Momma Aimee]

Originally Posted by sophi4ka

My daughter is 2 and I start getting more and more comments from well meaning people suggesting me to send her to a daycare for at least few days a week. The arguments that are used sound pretty rational and I don't know how to answer to them. My intuition doesn't agree with those arguments, but I don't know to logically explain why. Even to myself.

So what would you answer to those arguments?

It is good for a 2-3yo to go to a daycare because...:
1. ...they need to learn to get instruction from people other than their mother. They need to understand that their mother is not the center of the universe.

I AM the center of her / his universe and I intend to stay that way for a long time. children need the saft and security of a trusted laoving adult who is a CONSTANT in theri life in order to have the confidence to grow and explore. besides he is only 28 months old and he is still nurseing many many times a day. what is his supposed to do at day care with a staranger who can not nurse him!!!??

2. ...they need to learn that they are not the center of the universe themselves and that there are other kids out there.

He / She is 2!!!! I want him / her to be the center of the world, i want them happy and safe and secure. You are suggesting they need to be alone, and ignored and sad jsut to grow up? How sad, what kind of person is that going to creat? and also -- his brother makes sure he has to share center stange.

3. ...they need to learn to be in a group of children their age

there is no benifit to a child being influenced by their peers, mob think is not pretty. I perfer our children have as their peer group adults whom we trust, family and multi-age groups of children, again that we trust. I feel very strongly that a good foundation needs to be in place before a child in required to stand up adginst a mob and make good choices on his / her own.


4. ...they need to learn to follow rules

We have tons of rules at home, thanks, they follow rules all day. Does my child seem like a wild animal heathen to you, is that want you are implying? No one lives without rules.

5. ...they do things in a daycare that they would never do at home - all kinds of creative art activities for example, that due to certain limitations (lots of mess, busy mom, etc) cannot be done at home. So it expands their horizons.

I used to work daycare, we do a lot more at home than we ever did in class. also at home it is my and my 2 boys -- we can change activity when they are done, or keep going if they want. and they get much more time with the materials and constant on-on-one. we can repeat activites they like as much as we want.

then i list cool stuff we've done recently -- like melt caryaons, paint on paper taped tot he floor useing our feet, .....

If all this is true, then a daycare would be a great idea. But I really don't want to send DD there. I am confused...

Sophie

there is no reason to be confused -- she is your child, keep her home with you -- wharehouse care for children severs no benifit.

[LuxPerpetua]

Have you heard of the book Hold On To Your Kids? It's really more for older children connecting with their parents but the argument is also true for younger ones: Parental relationships are far more important to healthy development than peer ones.

And I agree with what a pp said, that these arguments are what parents who put their children in daycare use to make themselves feel better. Sometimes there is a real need for daycare (like if homelife is difficult) but if not, then being at home is the ideal. All of those things that you listed will come about naturally and unfold in ways that are more emotionally healthy if done at home and not forced in a daycare situation. And think of all the sassiness and unwanted behaviors that come from forcing a dozen toddlers and preschoolers together for hours on end! It's never worth it if you can help it!

[Momma Aimee]

Originally Posted by LuxPerpetua

Have you ard of the book Hold On To Your Kids? It's really more for older children connecting with their parents but the argument is also true for younger ones: Parental relationships are far more important to healthy development than peer ones.

And I agree with what a pp said, that these arguments are what parents who put their children in daycare use to make themselves feel better.

Like when someone tries to tell you the BEGNFITS of formula feeding ....there are times when daycare or FF are necessary and it is good to have them ... but they are not an ideal. Parents who makes choices like that will do anything to make it seem right. we have a 'freind" who has her son in daycare "preschool" since before he was 3 .. and i have heard evey "reason" you can list and more but it all comes down to her trying to justify it and nothing more.

Sometimes there is a real need for daycare (like if homelife is difficult) but if not, then being at home is the ideal. All of those things that you listed will come about naturally and unfold in ways that are more emotionally healthy if done at home and not forced in a daycare situation. And think of all the sassiness and unwanted behaviors that come from forcing a dozen toddlers and preschoolers together for hours on end! It's never worth it if you can help it!

well put

[Aeress]

I will through this into the mix-
NY state was developing (may still be, not as in the loop as I used to be) a P-16 document, which among other things, would link and connect pre-K all the way through college. At that time, they were also discussing linking maternal health through college-
OK, so, what does this have to do with the OP's post?
Well, I kind of joked that we were preparing babes in utero to become part of the school system from conception on.

It is ingrained in our society that children now attend daycare. It is ingrained in us that children must be prepared to go to kindergarten but sending them to pre-K, and it could be assumed that if children don't go to daycare, they won't be ready for pre-k.
Personally, after having worked in daycare for years and been active in early childhood policies, I hate it when daycares made a big deal about how their children leave their program better prepared for school.

There is research that shows that families who are involved in their child's learning by reading to them, taking them to activities and involving in the community have larger vocabs, and better pre-reading experience. But the craze that has parents so over involved in prepping children for school/pre-k/daycare has pushed parents into thinking that ordinary old play isn't enough for their child to be successful in school.

--So OP, don't worry- playing and being home with your child is an excellent choice if it is what you want! I love being home and I can see the effect it has had on our family unit. We are all happier this way!

[MaterBum]

Another suggested reading I'll throw out there is Einstein Never Used Flashcards. It's a wonderful collection and examination of early childhood studies that continually suggest that play and love make for well-adjusted, happy, thinking, learning teens and adults.

And as someone who sent her first to preschool for 6 weeks because such arguments were made to her, I can assure you it wasn't all happy, fun time for dd1 (or me!). It was a great program in the area, and I pulled her out after it hit me when visiting the room one day: no one there saw my dd as the unique, loving, gentle girl that she is. No one LOVED her. Sure, the teacher told me all that time what a sweet girl she was, but it wasn't love or commitment to developing her as a whole person. She was just a number to fit into the rotation of making noodle necklaces and circling letters on a worksheet. Was she miserable there? Nah, but was she better off than at home? Absolutely not.

Love is an amazing thing to learn and embrace and believe in...more so than learning to line up and wait with 15-20 other kids at age 2...and home is where that love is present. So I pulled her out and never sent my other two. And it's a miracle: they know how to cut, paste, wait, play, follow directions.

[calebsmommy25]

I agree with all the other Mamas...A toddler needs their Mama and Daddy. I know there are good day care center's out there, but none of them are better than the comfort and security a Mama can provide.

I choose to provide care for children in my home. I have a baby right now that I am caring for, and I choose to care for her, just as the others, as my own. I want to provide her with security, love and great care, but it is still no comparison to what her own Mama can provide.

I have no concern with ds staying home with me and not being in daycare because I KNOW I provide for him what he needs, just as I KNOW you do as well...In time your dd will learn what she needs in the world and by you. I know my ds is learning skills when he 'helps' me with laundry and do things around the house. He learns when we bake and cook together. He learns to interact with other children when we go to the park, play groups, sciencenters, book stores, etc. Ya know?

Don't worry Mama. You sound like you are giving your dd everything she needs.

[cappuccinosmom]

It is good for a 2-3yo to go to a daycare because...:
1. ...they need to learn to get instruction from people other than their mother. They need to understand that their mother is not the center of the universe.

2. ...they need to learn that they are not the center of the universe themselves and that there are other kids out there.

3. ...they need to learn to be in a group of children their age

4. ...they need to learn to follow rules

5. ...they do things in a daycare that they would never do at home - all kinds of creative art activities for example, that due to certain limitations (lots of mess, busy mom, etc) cannot be done at home. So it expands their horizons.

To all of that I say.....pish-posh!

To me it's a load of nonsense, especially since it refers to a child of 2 years old. Good grief!

All of those things can be learned from the home-base. Do they think parents who's children stay at home *never* let them play with their peers? Mine have been hanging with age-peers and those slightly older or younger since babyhood. Learned to play nicely with others, share, and relate just fine without daycare. Neither I nor they think we are the center of the universe. What a strange argument for daycare.

As to horizon expansion, that has happened just fine as well. I don't know how many daycare kids get to go to the zoo on a regular basis. I can't imagine taking 15 2-3 year olds and having the ability to spend 20 minutes studying the penguins with them. I do not need a daycare to expand my child's horizons. We have the zoo, we have museums, we have city-funded family events, we have church/Sunday School, we have neighbors, friends, playdates, we have an awesome, involved family....we even do arts and crafts (though at two yo what exactly is so special about daycare arts and crafts? their fine motor control is just beginning to develop and it's not like they're making masterpieces in daycare. I can handle finger painting and bean glueing at home, I think ) I think my 2 year old is just fine at home. His older brother's have turned out well.