How to handle young children asking to talk to strangers (in relation to instincts).

[Butterfy Baby]

My almost-three-year-old never shuts up (lol) and she is a social butterfly. Sometimes she'll talk to people in public without asking me, which is perfectly fine. Other times, she'll ask me if she can say "hi" or ask someone a question, etc, to which I usually respond "yes".

As far as equipping her with the instincts to make sound judgement, should I tell her if it's okay or not to talk to someone? Or would it be better to let her decide? (i.e., "If you feel good about talking to him/her, then talk.")

At her young age, I'm just uncertain which would be best. A lot could also depend on the circumstances, too (say we're all alone in a parking lot at night walking to our car and she wants to talk to strike up a conversation with a man, which would give me the heebie-geebies).

This has been on my mind heavily lately, as it comes up on a daily basis now.

[LynnS6]

A really good book for you to read is Gavin DeBecker's The Gift of Fear. It explains in ways that I can't, what to look for.

For your daughter, since she's so young, I would teach her: It's my job to keep you safe and to make sure that you're not bothering people. You're welcome to talk to people if I'm here.

As she gets older, you can get into more things. But realistically, is she going to be approaching strangers if you're not there? I guess I wouldn't worry about it now. (Disclaimer: My kids don't talk to strangers. Heck, some of the neighbors were convinced my son couldn't talk until he was 5.)

[Butterfy Baby]

Thank you. I have read that book. It's been awhile since I've read it, but I don't remember reading about how to handle such small children. Maybe it was there but I'm not remembering.

Of course I'll always be with her while she's talking to strangers. There has been at least one incident where she has drawn attention that had the potential of being dangerous. If I tell her she should ask me before talking to strangers, that's teaching her to get approval from me and not listen to herself. If I tell her to talk freely, as she feels comfortable, I'm setting us up for potentially bad incidents. I'm just not sure what to do.

Only I would ponder this...

[lilyka]

my kids talk to everyone. I really do not see the problem with talking to strangers. I do it all day every day. My children know they muct ask me before aproaching anyone (even a friend, I do not want them running off in public!) but so long as I am with them and know where they are they may talk to everyone they would like.

most abductions and crazyness is by people who know the victem anyway. not so much strangers. i think stranger danger is highly over rated.

[Roxswood]

Gavin de Becker's book Protecting the Gift (IIRC) says that teaching children not to talk to strangers does very little good at all, often either being completely not understood by the child since we expect them to be polite and talk to strangers ALL the time (shopkeepers, friends that you know and they don't, etc) or causing them to not have the confidence to seek help if a situation arises where they feel threatened.

I need to reread this book, but the main things I remember he said is for you as a parent to trust your instincts, teach them to never go with anyone without asking you first, and explain to your children to seek help from a woman if they can't see you.

[meemee]

closely watch her. is she that social with EVERYBODY?

i did not stop my dd. i would try to - out of respect of others space - but apparently they loved a little's one's attention and would stop to chat with her.

plus me. i dont buy into the stranger danger thing at all. to me everyone is a danger and no one is a danger all at the same time. so when dd was young i never stopped her from talking directly at 3. by 4 i would try to tell her dont disturb others - but her experience was different. at 3 i told her no one was allowed to touch her body without her permission - no one, neither her daddy or me. she also knew she couldnt do anything without first asking me - no matter who was offering, even my best friend.

i have also trusted dd's instincts. if she has not liked or wanted to talk to someone we wouldnt do it. we have no santa pictures till recently because she was scared of him.

in my experience of bringing up my 7 year old, i have found more helpful people rather than unhelpful people. even the 'not so safe looking' ones. this last thanksgiving when some homeless people saw us walking they thought we had no TG dinner to go to and offered us some of their packed TG dinner they got from the soup kitchen. i have had waay tooo many strangers watch out for my dd rather than any thing else.

[sapphire_chan]

I grew up with a rule that you talk to whomever you please, but you stay farther than arms reach away and stay where you can see the adult in charge. My mom says we had better eyes for iffy people than she did, we'd be back next to her holding her hand and she'd look around and see some guy start cursing at a passerby--and we'd put her between him and us.

Mind you we also lived in a neighborhood where when I was 10 and he was 5 and we got to stay in the car while mom did the grocery shopping she told us where to hide in the car if we heard gun shots. Not that it ever happened, but it was a neighborhood where that was a definite possibility.

[Jessy1019]

I've never taught my kids not to talk to strangers -- if anything, I've encouraged them to do it in certain situations (asking a question at a store or museum, etc). Adults do it all the time -- we talk to strangers who work in stores, strangers who approach us at our jobs, strangers we see in passing in a parking lot or in line at the store. If we never talked to strangers, we'd never make new friends!

If my child doesn't want to talk to someone, that's fine . . . and if I think s/he is bothering someone, I will put a stop to it . . . but IMO, being comfortable approaching others is a good skill for kids to have.

[mamazee]

My kids can talk to anyone they want. I have no rules about it.

I make sure they know they don't have to talk to anyone as well. And that if anyone makes them uncomfortable for any reason or for no reason, they don't have to stay there or be polite. They can just leave.