Game plan for when ILs visit

[Punchy Kaby]

The Ils are coming this weekend and staying 5 days. I used to love when they visited. MIL is fun to hang with and great with 4yo DS. But last time theycame(when dd was born, she's 9 m now) fil was a PIA. He teased DS, instead of helping to entertain him while I was busy with a newborn. DS got mad. How do I handle poor adult behavior in my home? I believe it's my duty to provide a safe, comfortable enviornmrnt for dS. What do I say?

There is also the issue of tv watching. ILs watch it all the time and watch innapropriate stuff for dS to see. We watch infrequently. Is it fair to ask the tv not be on during the day while the kids are awake? FIL worked at his computer all day in front of the tv last time.

[ecoteat]

I know you'll get the "it's your house--you make the rules" responses, but I think we all know the reality of that is easier said than done. Of course you can tell them to not have the TV on when DS is in the room unless it is a program specifially geared to preschoolers and at a time that you approve, but I wouldn't quite know how to enforce it either without disturbing the peace. When FIL is treating DS poorly, you could just say you don't like how DS is being treated or something like "thanks for helping with ds, but I have it under control now. Why don't you help with ____ instead?" And then take him back with you, going on about your business as though FIL wasn't even available to "help."

[Alyantavid]

My fil is alot like that. When it starts, I usually redirect my kids to something not involving him (or involving him, sometimes he just needs something to stop the stuff he's saying and then he's fine).

If it's tv, I will walk in and change it. My fil always has the tv on, on something entirely not appropriate and has it turned up so loud. And almost every time, he either falls asleep or leaves the room. So I change the channel or turn it off.

But in our case, it's alot of redirection for both fil and the kids.

[LuckyMommaToo]

Do you have a guest room? Can you move the TV in there?

No advice for the teasing, except to maybe have specific things set up for FIL to do with DS. "FIL, look, DS has this new Lego set to put together, will you help him please?"

For my ILs, I've learned that having a schedule and a plan and a lot of specific activities (like above) helped a lot. Not really my style, but it made the visits better for all of us.
-e

[abcdefg]

If DS is 4, can you prepare him for the right words to say when people are irritating him? Give him some power in the situation. FIL might best take honesty from a four-year-old.

[mommajb]

I go through some of this with both sets of parents.

I was able to tell my mom some of how I felt and she has asked my dad to be a grandparent and not a parent. That helped quite a bit. He also tends to tease and play rough only stopping when someone cries. he did this even when I was a child so my radar is quite tuned in. He apologizes for the physical and belittles the emotional. I stay on guard to step in and redirect as a pp said.

The tv, we didn't go digital so it isn't an option. I like the idea of making it less available.

MIL often has her own plan that just won't work so I make it clear just how I need our days to go regarding naps and baths and other 'pegs' little ones need to organize their days.

Do they stay with you? My fil needs handicap accessibility so they stay in a hotel leaving at the start of the kids bedtime. I can recover from so much overnight.

When my temper is rising I remind myself of a ccouple of ideas.
in no particular order...
How do I want my grown children to treat me?
I am trying to foster a relationship between my children and thier grandparents.
They will all leave soon.
Our parents usually mean well or just truly don't understand our perspective.

[OboePlayerMom]

I'd start with moving the TV out of the room where everyone will be hanging out. If you don't use it much, relegate it to the guest room or another lesser-used place. Is there any way to plan an itinerary of sorts? Like, today we're going to the local park for a picnic, then tomorrow we'll take the kids to the library, etc. Sometimes when people are visiting, they need to be entertained a bit more, or at least be a bit more directed about what to do and where to go. Is there something in your city that MIL and FIL may want to see without you? It's always nice to have a break from each other (guests feel that way, too, I'm sure!).