co-parent troubles - a vent

[GoBecGo]

I almost never post here. Actually we're a blended family, i'm not a single parent, so maybe this should be elsewhere?

Dh and i just bought our first home together, i am due with his baby in June. I have been a SAHP since DD's birth. We have been living together about 14 months. Before that we were dating but not living together for nearly 2.5 years. XP and i split when DD was 8weeks old.

XP is great on some levels. He has lots of contact with DD, has her overnight once a week and sees her 3-5 times a week on top of that. He thinks of her and brings her small gifts, plays with her and is a pretty concerned dad on a lot of fronts.

However he is also really not big on the less-fun-responsibility end of things. I take her to the doctor and dentist, i take her to see her kid-friends and to toddler groups and the like, DH and i take her swimming, out for activities (zoo and etc.), to the library, all that jazz, and it is us who worry about which school she will go to, which vaccinations she will receive and so on. And a lot of the contact is here at my house, where he basically comes and plays with her while i have to make him coffee and often meals (which grates just now but didn't always). He seems to see her as a ticket to everything, for example he once said he didn't know what to tell her when she asked if he was coming to dinner with me, DH and her to MY friend's house - i said "tell her no, X is mama's friend" and he said "but she doesn't get why i can't come anyway - why CAN'T i come?" - seriously i mean, that is crazy right? To think that his DD being somewhere means it is only right and correct for him to be able to come?!

Money has become a huge problem of late. About 9 months ago XP walked out of his job (which was crappy and made him depressed). He has not worked since and he has no intention of working again. He still pays some CS, and more than the government would force him to if i went that route (he's on state benefits, we're in the UK) but it is not by any stretch of the imagination half of what it is actually costing to raise her. Even if i ditch the leisure activities from her expenses (since i accept that it's not a "need") it's still way less than that. When he worked and i WAS a single parent he gave £30-£40/week. It was as much as he could afford and it was literally the difference between us eating properly or not (UK benefits are ok, but not brilliant, and nowhere near the national poverty line unless you're in subsidised housing which i wasn't - there is a shortage in this city). Now he gives around £12.50/week. I don't want him to work in a job where he is depressed. I have no objection to his payments being so reduced if he is at college, or in training of some sort, even if that took years, or even trying to set up a business or something. But he isn't. He is just not working. It's been 9 months and all i hear is how it's more important for him to mentally well right now - he has not sought medical advice or counselling of any sort and his depression while probably real is at present a self diagnosis.

I tried to talk about it with him yesterday but he just tries to make it all about me and him and not about DD - i.e. i just selfishly want more money, if i hadn't bought a house and wasn't pregnant he wouldn't be getting hassle (not true, i would be starving if i weren't with DH), that we don't care about his mental wellbeing etc. And that lots of other folk in his position (i.e. exes with kids) don't even bother paying anything or seeing their kids so i should feel lucky. It ended badly with him going off to play with DD upstairs for a bit (after storming out with the words "well i'm NOT GETTING A JOB") which was ok, because i needed a cool off anyway (though there was no shouting or anything from me, and though he was jumping up and doing his usual tactic of amplifying/twisting everything (for example "do you just want me to give you NOTHING!?" to which i replied "is that a threat? Is that what you feel she deserves?"), but then he came back down and DD pulled him up on something he was doing to a piece of furniture and he twisted that round and was very sarcastic to her and me and i basically said i would really prefer it if he left then, which after 5 more mins of faffing he did.

And it kills me. Because actually DH is incredibly stressed at work too - i don't know ANY one who loves their job 100% of the time and is glad to have less free time, but you have to work, right? His attitude to his responsibility seems to be that it's HIS job to make ME step up to whatever plate there is. He browbeat me about vaccination (i vax somewhat) but when i said "please, bring me the stuff you're reading and we can talk about it all properly" and he said "i havent' read anything it's just a feeling i have" - how can i make serious decisions about her life based on that? I know lots of people who don't vax and lots of reasons for not doing so but they all have SOME reason. When i said "should i not vax her then?" in response to his feeling, he said "but then she might get ill" - what do i do then? He went on and on about something being wrong with her (perfectly healthy, normal) teeth which are seen by a dentist every 6 months and have been since they first erupted but he neither comes to her dental appointments nor takes her to a different dentist. He complains she should go to more activities with other kids (possibly true though i don't think she's suffering for it - she does see other kids at least 3x/week, but i had 2 miscarriages before this pregnancy and was pretty sick/moving house with this LO so we are not attending a formal toddler group right now - in addition to the fact that at nearly-4 she is too old for most groups on offer, since everyone seems to assume kids should and will be in nursery the very second they hit 3 in this city) but he himself doesn't take her to any toddler groups or even to his other family (who have kids about her age). He complains if he thinks i'm not feeding her right (which can be anything from not healthy enough to too much fat - i KEEP telling him kids need good fat in their diet) but at his house she has the same breakfast, lunch and dinner every single week.

I basically feel like all the meeting of needs, all the disciplining and most of the financial responsibility is carried by me and he just gets to show up and play with her when he feels like it. *sigh*

I'm sure this is pretty common. I just needed to get it out. to anyone who actually read all this!

[PoppyMama]

huh. i just dont know. hes probably going to be a burden to you no matter what so you may have to go with lessor evil. i would stop engaging with him and be firm but noncombative...sorta how you treat an annoying child.

[MissLotus]

He needs to get a life. He's determined NOT to work? No. Believe me, I know as much as the next person that it's next to impossible to get a job right now. But to just decide that he should have no responsibilities and play all day... that's not good.

I also get having him visit your child there - for a while I did the same with my ex because he's irresponsible in many ways and there's no way he would have cared for a baby properly (our son's older now, though). But you need to not give him such free reign in your house - that's why he feels entitled to come along to all your events, which yes, is weird! (my ex tries to be clingy in many ways too, and has not gotten his own life in all these years).

Can you cut the visits down to less frequency (less but longer, perhaps?) so that he's not there practically every day? What does your husband think of that? It's great that he gets how important your ex is to your child and is willing to go the extra mile there, but how does he feel to have your ex trying to hang around at other events? I think in large part your ex is not moving on because hey, why should he - he's at your place all the time, gets fed there, you provide his social life as well AND he doesn't have the real responsibilities of a father! Awesome deal! But - no.

[GoBecGo]

I actually wouldn't mind if he was looking for work, i know that it's think on the ground right now (though i do know someone who has had 4 new jobs recently (leaving them for a better offer each time) so it's not like it's impossible. It's the not working, not looking for work, not willing to work and NOT willing to accept that's unfair to DD that is pissing me off.

He visits in my home mainly because he doesn't have his own transport (and uses out of date tickets on the buses and often gets away with it, but i hate thining of DD being with him when he does that) and if he doesn't come here then i'd have to drag DD out to somewhere for her to see him - i do see that that is BS, and that really him not having a car is HIS problem, but so many of these patterns were put into place when i'd just left him and was still in the mindset he set up for me while we were a couple (one of emotional abuse, basically).

DH is wonderful and supportive and we are both on the same page i.e. it is good and right for DD to see her father, but that i/we need to be able to have my/our own life too. I don't actually mind him coming over, and we are all relatively friendly and will sometimes stop at his for half an hour or more when dropping her off for her overnight stay. It's just having him here SO often is getting on my nerves, especially when all i see is him playing with her (very on his terms too, not hers) and not actually doing much of the "parenting". He doesn't mind about him wanting to hang about at other events because it's not like her actually GETS to - i said NO then and i say NO now, but every time i do he acts like it is me who has a major problem and he is just entitled to as much time with his DD, whatever she might be doing and wherever she might be.

I think in large part your ex is not moving on because hey, why should he - he's at your place all the time, gets fed there, you provide his social life as well AND he doesn't have the real responsibilities of a father! Awesome deal! But - no.

This is all so completely true. But how do i change it now?

[JunipersMom]

I just go to a grass is always greener stance because all my ex does is pay childsupport -- and lets my kids down on a regular basis emotionally. Hope you find a good solution momma.

[MissLotus]

You say, "It's just having him here SO often is getting on my nerves,", so I think that is key! Tell him you need to change the schedule - is it court-ordered? If not, just cut it down. Like I said, maybe make the times he does see her a little longer, but definitely cut it down. It doesn't seem sustainable to have this guy around, this much of the time, until your child is 18. Nip it in the bud. Maybe I'm wrong but to me it just sounds like you really need to put your foot down! No judge is going to fault you for not inviting your ex over every day.

[rachel1496]

Just a thought, but would you feel comfortable leaving him alone in your house with DD? I can fully understand if you wouldn't but if you would maybe it would help to start using his visitation time to get the things you need to do done, like running to the store or post office quickly. It sounds like when he comes over he falls back into the mindset that he had when you two were a couple and the three of you were a family and he needs to understand that's not how it is anymore. He is there to visit with your DD not for you to be making him lunch like his Mommy.

Honestly, he also sounds like he's just plain bored. Getting a job would help tremendously with that and it's something he needs to be working on. Do his benefits depend on him at least looking for work?

As for medical decisions, tell him that if he feels that something is wrong with her teeth he is free to take her to a dentist himself, otherwise he's just going to have to trust you. Same with vaccs and everything else, if he can present you with an actual justified reason for wanting to do something different then you will consider it but until he's willing to take on his share of the responsibility there then you'll consider to make the decisions you feel are best. I doubt he'd actually take her to the dentist or do his own research, he's just finding things to whine about at this point.

PoppyMama describe it best, right now he's just behaving like an overgrown child. Start treating him like one, set boundaries and refuse to engage him in his little temper tantrums and he'll get over it.

[GoBecGo]

I don't actually want to leave him here alone at this point, mainly because he already treats this place too much like "his own" than i think is normal. He ISN'T harking back to when we were together - we split when she was 8 weeks old and he spent most of those 8 weeks avoiding us so he didn't have to help in any way. We have NEVER been "the three of us". When i am absent from their together time, he moans that DD doesn't get "family time" - he hasn't done it recently enough for me to point out that actually she gets lots of family time with DH and I. He doesn't like to be totally in charge when i'm around, he likes ME to be in charge and him to be like her buddy. I do think he takes my willingness to make access to her easy as a sign that *I* want to spend time with *him* or value it over the benefit to DD. Which i don't. If DD didn't exist i would not want to spend time with him. I would certainly speak to him if i met him in the street, but see him regularly? No.

A few months ago (very memorably) DH went to the gym, i fell asleep (late first trimester) on the sofa, it was evening and XP was there to do bedtime. He was upstairs with her, ostensibly playing with her, then giving her a shower and putting her to bed. I woke up to water running through my kitchen ceiling - she'd put a tap on and a plug in in the sink in the family bathroom, he hadn't checked on her, just called her to come and while they BOTH had a shower together in our en suite (i don't think it's weird for him to shower with her, DH and i both bathe with her and one another all the time, i just think that doing it in MY house is off) half my house was flooded. He had the audacity to say to me afterwards when i was freaking out "don't you DARE blame this on me!". Like who else can we blame...the 3 year old!? The sleeping pregnant mama downstairs? Or the stepfather who was 5 miles away on a spin bike?

I'm sure he's bored and i'm sure getting a job would help him. But that's really his affair. His benefits theoretically depend on him looking for word, but in practice that means he has to say "yes" when they say at his interview "are you looking for work".

I did tell him repeatedly to take her to a dentist himself if he didn't believe me, or to come to her appointment. He would be silent about it for a few weeks and then come out with something like "did you take medication when you were pregnant and not tell me? That ruined her teeth?". He doesn't really listen when i speak, he doesn't read emails from me, there's no way to get through to him. It's like there's this status quo in his head and whenever i try to change it he just whines and pushes and creeps until it's back the way it was. His idea of research on the vax thing was to quote a friend who is a medical auxiliary in the US somewhere who said she "thinks it's a lot for their immune system to have more than one vaccine at a time". This same person also said she would vax her own kids since she is in hospital every day and is exposed to all kids of stuff....

I saw him today, i was in the city anyway with her at a toddler group, so i met with him after (preferable to him coming here). It was snowing when we left early this morning to get to the toddler group, and it wasn't until we were out in it (and already very pushed for time) that i realised the snow was very "wet" and slushy. DD resisted many puddles but not all of them, and her feet and trousers were wet by the time we got to our bus stop. I texted the friend i was meeting and she said she'd bring spares for the toddler group so DD could be dry playing inside. When we left the group i gave the (too thin for outdoors in the rain anyway) trousers she lent us back and put DD back in her slightly-drier-after-being-on-the-heater wet ones. By the time we met with her father she was even wetter than before. His suggestion is that i bring spare socks, shoes and trousers with me whenever we go out, in case it rains. In my purse, on the bus. I was incredulous at his suggestion and he backed down, but did it in such a way that made clear he would be quiet but only because i'm a bitch, not because his suggestion was ridiculous (i should note that HE didn't bring her dry clothes, because, well, why would he? it's not his job right?). I told him the truth - she needs new rubber boots and we cannot afford them right now (because hello, we just bought a house and you are NOT pulling your weight financially).

Nothing is court ordered. We were never married, he is on her birth certificate but if he can't be bothered to get a job i can't see him going to court over ANYTHING. We have no formal agreement, signed or otherwise. It's all very ad hoc, which sometimes suits me, but seems to be geared towards his convenience 90% of the time (because ultimately i'm ME who has the kid to look after/pick up/come back to). I don't want to send her overnight to his more often, mainly because her behaviour is appalling when she comes home and i feel like the older she is the more she'll be able to cope with the difference between my (gentle) discipline and his (total lack of) discipline. Equally i do feel defensive of her right to know her father, since he is impossible to me but probably won't be to her when she's older (or if he is she can decide that for herself). I do think the "normal" EOW arrangement is so sadly little time together, and can't imagine they'd be as close as they are if that had been our arrangement from the start. I know i need to strike a balance, but i don't know what the balance is or how to strike it right. I REALLY think it's important that she knows him and has time with him, even if he paid nothing towards raising her. But how do i make sure she has enough time with him without getting to the point that i want to stab him!? (kidding, close, but still kidding )

[rachel1496]

You have the patience of a saint, it has to be said. I'd probably spend the entire visitation biting my tongue and walking away before I did something I regret because he sounds infuriating.

Ok, for sure don't leave him alone in your house unless you want him to burn it down or something. I would suggest maybe having someone else you trust come over while he's there (friend or family member, maybe) but I doubt he'd be more responsible without you there than he is when you are there.

I wish I had more advice for you but all I have are hugs and sympathy.