Rabbi not wanting to help with my conversion

[Raene]

After over a month of delays in getting an appointment with the Rabbi (part of the turning-away process as I understand it) I finally met with him for the first time yesterday.

I'm so disappointed. When he found out my DH isn't interested in converting he pretty much told me he wouldn't help me. I understand (sort of) his reasoning in that mixed marriages are hard, it's an added stress on the family, etc, and he said he's only once seen a marriage work when both people weren't Jewish.

But...he doesn't know our family, doesn't know what we've already been through and how strong we are. I'm feeling so lost now without hopes of being led through the conversion. Now what?

Should I check with the one other Synagogue in our area? So disheartened.

[umsami]

Keep trying. Usually, they will try and turn you away at least three times. I wouldn't count the trouble in getting an appointment as part of it... but actually going back and talking to the Rabbi three times.

If that doesn't work, then I'd seek out a different Rabbi/congregation.

[lilyka]

how does your husband feel about your conversion? I would work for another appointment and next time drag your husband with you to prove that he is committed

[doubledutch]

if you want to convert and your dh doesn't, you will probably only be able to work with a reform rabbi.

[alexsam]

Originally Posted by doubledutch

if you want to convert and your dh doesn't, you will probably only be able to work with a reform rabbi.

I might agree with this... When we were getting married (before I was officially Jewish) the only rabbi that would marry us was reform. After my conversion under a conservative rabbi, he wanted to re-marry us with me as a Jew (which we did). In other words, pretty much anyone besides reform is going to have difficulty in being a part of the creation of a mixed marriage, if it is one by marrying Jews and non-Jews or by "creating" a Jew with a non-Jewish partner.

Additionally, the topic of kids is sticky too. Not to get personal (and, you don't even have to answer, but I am SURE that a rabbi will ask), but do you anticipate your children converting too? If you do, that is a "big thing" and will be something large to grapple with- you, them, and your husband. If not, then you are essentially proposing that you will become a Jewish mother who is purposefully not raising Jewish children, which is... not the ideal, as any rabbi will tell you. In fact, some of the "big rules" for Jews relate to parenthood and raising Jewish children, so I'm not sure how that would play out.

I'd see if they are willing to meet with your husband too. If it really is a "no go" (not all rabbis do this "turning away" business!), try a reform rabbi. If that doesn't work and you are still passionate about it, just go to services. There is not a rule that you *can't* go without being a Jew. Live your life as a Jew. Then, try again in a few years... The rabbi might see things differently if you actually do it and show him/her that it works for you. If this is a TRUE calling, a few years won't make a difference if you are living a life you feel you were meant to...

[smeisnotapirate]

My DH isn't Jewish and I converted after we were married. I agree with the rabbi, I'm sorry to say. Saying that an interfaith marriage is hard is a miserable understatement. If you're committed, keep going back as many times as it takes. But do a LOT of soul-searching and get your DH in with you to the rabbi (converting or not) and really think hard about what you're asking of your marriage. Knowing what I know now, would I have married DH? I love him so, so much, but I'm not sure the answer to the question. We're making it work, but it's beyond hard and neither of us are living the faith life we envisioned for ourselves. The sacrifices have been immense, and DH isn't even a different religion (he's just kinda nothing).

Oh, and my rabbi did the same thing and is a reform rabbi. I was sent home inconsolable more times than I could count.

[Raene]

Thanks so much for all the replies, everyone.

To answer this:

Originally Posted by alexsam

Not to get personal (and, you don't even have to answer, but I am SURE that a rabbi will ask), but do you anticipate your children converting too?

I'd see if they are willing to meet with your husband too. If it really is a "no go" (not all rabbis do this "turning away" business!), try a reform rabbi. If that doesn't work and you are still passionate about it, just go to services. There is not a rule that you *can't* go without being a Jew. Live your life as a Jew. Then, try again in a few years... The rabbi might see things differently if you actually do it and show him/her that it works for you. If this is a TRUE calling, a few years won't make a difference if you are living a life you feel you were meant to...

Yes, I am interested in my children converting. My DH is okay with that, too. He is just so afraid of organized religion for himself that he shuns Judaism without knowing the beliefs. Not much I can do there.

Our Reform synagogue is led by a cantor. Can she help me in the way that a Rabbi would be able to?

The Rabbi at the Temple I went to last week did mention a woman who comes every Friday/Saturday to services and knows she cannot convert b/c her daughter and husband aren't interested. She has been coming for years as a non-Jew. The Rabbi seemed to think this was the only resolution for me as well. I didn't realize I could sit through services without being Jewish so I will do this but in the long run, I would feel left empty without being really Jewish.

[lilyka]

i am not Jewish...but...in my faith I was not allowed to convert without my husband (it is technically possible but at the discretion of the preist and for several reasons - my husbands hostility, my inability to raise my kids in the faith, the condition of my marriage and the rift this would cause. we were prayerfully hoping my husband would convert eventually as often happens.). But I was free to come and be a part of the congregation in every way except for recieving sacrements. It wasn't horrible. I still felt very included, and part of the faith (we actually have a specific designation for those who are more than casual visitors but not officially members and specific prayers are said for them in the services, it is really quite beautiful) part of the church bith locally and globally. and when the moment came where my husband was no longer standing in our way i was amle to convert immediately. Seriously the process started right that minute and we only took as much time as we needed to plan the celebration. because I was not just coming in. I was already fully a part of the church and the priest knew me and knew I was fully informed and that the church had already become a part of me. That my faith was more than just saying "I am ********".

So I say all this to say, don't be discouraged about becoming a part of the community without fully converting. regardless of how things play out this has a lot of benefits to offer in every direction. Just go and worship. pray. God will set things exactly where he wants them. In the mean time prepare yourself by immersing yourself in your chosen worship community. right where you are at.