Always Late...

[boysmom2]

I'm having issues with my 5yo and getting out of the house. He just can't seem to hurry to save his life. Not even hurry, just get ready without wasting time. I end up yelling and then everyone is miserable. And we're still late. I guess I'm looking for ideas.

I have a couple of different circumstances that I think may need different approaches (maybe not):

1. Getting him to school. He goes to preschool 3 mornings a week, at 9am. He WANTS to go. He WANTS to be on time so he doesn't miss out on any time with his friends. But he still won't get ready on time. I used to yell, try to get him to hurry, stand right with him, trying to keep him on task "now, brush your teeth, now put on your pants, no, you don't have time to stare out the window, put on your pants..." But it didn't help and just made the morning awful. Because his being late only affects him, I've stopped trying to hurry him. I've been just telling him what he needs to do and how long he has until school starts. I get the baby and I ready and then I sit in my living room and calmly drink my coffee. Every 5 minutes I calmly give him an update on the time and let him know that I'm ready to go as soon as he is. Sometimes he's late, sometimes he's not.

2. Getting out the door for other people. Some mornings DH can drop my 7yo off at school, but when he can't I have to take him and my 5yo and 9mo old have to come along. I've actually been lectured by the principal because my 7yo has been tardy enough times to be considered truant. We CAN'T be late for school. And then there are other things like church on Sundays, or a trip to the zoo. If everyone is excited and ready to leave for the zoo, it seems unfair to make everyone wait because 5yo ds is not getting ready. We even have this issue when trying to leave the house to go play at his friends' houses. It doesn't help him to hurry if I explain that he's missing out on time with his friend and I don't think it's fair to the friend who's waiting for him.

FTR, he gets up plenty early. It's not like I'm not giving him enough time to get ready. It seems like no matter home much time he has he manages to stretch out what he needs to do so that it takes him the whole time and then some. He told me that he was going to give up being late for school for Lent, so he knows it's something that needs to change. I'm just out of ideas to help him.

[jillmamma]

I can sympathize! Both my 7 and 4.5 year old do that, although the 7 year old is getting better. A few things that help us:
~ set a timer (I use the one on the microwave as it is digital and they can easily see the numbers counting down...I find the visual reminder helps more than just an audio reminder)
~ do a less preferred task first, then they can do the preferred one as an incentive to get moving on the other one (like with DS, get dressed to your shoes first, then you can help mom make coffee)
~ have clothes laid out for them, breakfast on the table, etc. ahead of time
~ let them know when the timer goes off, we are leaving, and if you don't have your clothes on, you will look pretty strange going to school like that

I have heard others suggest things like:
~ wear their school clothes to bed so they don't have to get dressed in the morining
~ bring breakfast in the car (granola bars, dry cereal, etc.)
~ sticker chart with prize for certain number of days that you get there on time

Good luck! I know how frustrating it is!

[rainyday]

Your ds wants to give up being late for Lent, and he wants to be on time.This tells me that he doesn't want to be the way he is. But he needs to be taught how to do things in a timely manner. It sounds to me like your ds might just need some more structure and support to manage getting ready right now.

We've had the same issue. DS is now 7, and it's way, way better (though by no means gone completely!), so time does help. I think methodically teaching and prompting also helped a lot for us.

In the meantime, I found that at age 5, my ds really didn't have the executive function skills to stay on task. I know a lot of kids do have them at this age, but my ds is very dreamy and distractible, and he just couldn't keep doing what he was supposed to be doing if I weren't gently prodding him along every minute or two. Without prodding my ds would easily have stood half undressed in the bathroom with the shower running for 15 or 20 minutes or longer, without even realizing that he should really be finishing undressing and hopping in the shower. Actually, without prompting from me, he probably would have wandered out of the bathroom and started doing something else all together, not to be defiant, but just because he thought of something and got distracted.

I had to be very specific. Maybe ridiculously specific for a five year old, but I just didn't think about it that way. It was what my ds needed. For example, in the bathroom scenario above, I'd just keep reminding him of the next step: "Now you need to take off your top." Repeat calmly as needed. "Climb in the shower, please." "Use the soap." I felt like I needed to take a hands-on approach because otherwise we'd just never get out the door in the morning.

I started getting up earlier myself. It wasn't a problem for my ds because he was always up early and playing in his room, but it really helped me feel less rushed, which means less stressed and less likely to snap or yell, if I got up in time to get myself ready before I started getting DS ready. Then I was able to sip my coffee while I calmly helped him get ready.

I could have just kept on being late and having stressful mornings while I worried about being late, but I looked at my ds and realized that what I was asking of him was something that for whatever reason he wasn't ready to do at that point in time. Stepping back and building extra time in the schedule and just accepting that this was how it was at that point in time, really helped us. It turned our mornings from stressful times (I had a job for about a year back then, so I had to get out the door in the morning) into peaceful chances to enjoy each other's company.

Good luck, OP!

[hakeber]

My ds was having this problem too. We got him an alarm clock (he asked for it and we went and picked it out together) last week and this has helped a lot. We set it together at night and if there are things he wants to do in the morning like watch a little sesame street while eating his breakfast, or take a shower, we try to help him decide how much time he needs to do those things and set the alarm accordingly. It is never set for any later than 6:45 am.

Then if I see he is still naked and just watching TV, I turn off the TV until his clothes are on (and MAN you should see those clothes fly on!).

Some days he says he doesn't want breakfast. Some days he would rather sleep late, but I always keep a quick breakfast handy in case at the last minute he changes his mind, like a little yogurts or granola bars or bananas. But if he doesn't, it's not the end of the world. They have a break an hour and half into classes and he can have his breakfast then.

He has to get his clothes on before he is allowed to do anything else, that way if he gets distracted at least we can go on time if we absolutely have to. He can always brush his teeth at school.

But the biggest trick up my sleeve is giving him a deadline that still gives me at least an extra 20 minutes in case things don't go as planned. If he makes the deadline I stop off and buy him a little mini doughnut for his mid-morning break snack, and if he doesn't then we are are still on time.

Really it's about teaching time management, not a discipline issue, Some people are just really slow and flakey and their internal clocks are sort of surreal, and not in synch with the rest of the world. It does help that DH is NOTORIOUSLY bad for time management...he'll tell me he'll be home in 5 minutes when he is like an hour away! So I suppose practicing on DH for the last 8 years has helped me control my temper about this.

I feel like I am just helping him learn about time. How long does it take me to get dressed? 10 minutes? then I better add that to my morning time alottment. How long does it take me to eat breakfast? 30 Minutes (oh my god he is a slow eater!)? Okay than add that to the morning time alottment.

If it's family outings, can he maybe finish getting ready in the car? This is what my sister sometimes did...got in the car almost naked and had to throw on a dress in the car and brush her hair as we drove.

I have a few friends who are just slow and easily distracted. DH being the worst. There is no point in getting angry. It simply doesnt help. And it's not personal (although I'll admit this is a huge trigger for me, because it feels REALLY personal) it's just their nature. The only way I have found to manage it is a combination of good planning and out and out trickery.

I am keeping my fingers crossed that dd will take after ME on this one, but who knows?

ETA: I know he has this problem at school too, because often he comes home with his cookies or yogurt from his lunch still not eaten and I'm like What happened, and he says "I ran out of time " I mean who purposefully forgets to leave time for desert?

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by rainyday

Actually, without prompting from me, he probably would have wandered out of the bathroom and started doing something else all together, not to be defiant, but just because he thought of something and got distracted.

Oh my god, this is my son completely. The other day I had his clothes on ready to go, and I thought, I'll nurse his sister quickly before we had to run and when I'm ready to go, I call for him and he's left his breakfast half finished and gone to his room to draw a picture. Why? He saw a marker on the table and it inspired him to draw a picture of his family for his show and tell presentation...oh, okay.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I have been known to go check on my son's progress in the morning to find him with his pants 1/2 way up, sort of squatting to hold them up with his knees, busy building something with legos.

I agree, time does help as both of my kids have gotten better as they get older. In the meantime, I found the following helped a lot:
1. Do everything I can the night before so that *I* am ready and can help shepherd the kids. Likewise getting up before the kids helps.

2. Keep the same routine every morning. We always eat breakfast, get dressed, do teeth and hair, in that order. Eating breakfast before dressing means fewer OJ spills on the last clean uniform panics.

3. Organize their clothing and accessories the night before and have them front-and-center in their rooms. All the way down to socks, underwear and hair bows.

4. Until they were old enough to want/need privacy while dressing, we had a dressing party every morning. Everyone in the master bedroom getting dressed. This meant they were away from the distractions in their rooms, we could keep them focused and it helped that we were doing the same thing. Now that they are older the rule is that they have to be in their rooms getting dressed, not out in the hall pestering each other. Its the time of day when I am least patient with sibling-picking.

5. We only allow morning TV after they are completely ready to go.

[LynnS6]

I have a pretty self-sufficient, focused 5 year old. And she still can't get dressed without repeated reminders. Usually, we do it together. Sometimes that means me physically helping her. Sometimes we just dress in parallel. Sometimes I make it a race (I'll often slowly put on that last sock or shoe to let her win).

We heavily use the timer in our household. "When the timer beeps, you'll need to go get dressed." "When the timer beeps, you need to put your shoes and coat on." Heck, I set the timer for myself to remind myself to do things. Like a pp, we use the microwave timer that my kids can see count down. Somehow, having a neutral 3rd party be the one who is 'nagging' really helps.

My kids sleep in their clothes about 1/3 of the time. I'm OK with that.

I have taken dd to daycare in her pjs. Once. I would do that for your ds for family outings, church, or your older son's school.

A couple more suggestions that haven't been mentioned:
A visual schedule - take pictures of each step of whatever he needs to do and put it up on the wall. Then, when you find him off task, ask him, what's next? Asking him what comes next feels less like nagging to me, somehow.

Some kids do really well with a visual timer - like a Time Timer.

[mommytoC&T]

I'm in the same boat with my 5-year-old son. We homeschool, so I was beginning to worry if he was trying to avoid "school time", but then I realized he was dawdling even when heading out for playdates or other fun activities. I see now that he just doesn't understand how time elapses. It's a skill I need to work on, not just nag about. I just finished reading the Simply Charlotte Mason book, "Smooth and Easy Days". (Free download at simplycharlottemason.com) The main idea of the book is to teach good habits without nagging. According to her, nagging doesn't work -- it just teaches the child to only respond when nagged. Instead, the idea is to calmly remind the child to stay on task by saying something like, "What do you have left to do before we leave?" By having them think through what needs to be done, they are practicing their morning routine. I'm trying my best to implement this, but it is terribly hard when we're running late. I also like the other's tips about getting up and ready before the kids (I notice a huge difference in my stress level when I do this) and I also love the Time Timer suggestion. I'll be ordering this and sharing the info with friends of mine who have been struggling with the same thing!