Mama Chat re: Positive Birth Experience?

[ThankfulMama]

I'm not sure where to post this, please direct if this is the wrong forum. . .

I was blessed to have a wonderful birth experience after not having much support at all for my desire to go med-free. In fact, I was more or less discouraged from attempting a med-free birth. I read a lot while I was pregnant in an attempt to prepare myself and learn as much as I could since my OB was very openly pro-meds.

When I talk with my mama friends, I hear many stories of unwanted/unplanned C/Ss and bad birth experiences. I almost feel bad that my experience was so wonderful and I'm not sure if I should just keep quiet about it when they talk or what the appropriate thing to do is. As a bit of a background, I live in an area where OB attended hospital births are the standard, and nearly all of the women in my hospital birthing class indicated that they wanted epidurals in the parking lot if they could get them that soon.

Am I the only one?

[dislocator3972]

I too had a wonderful birth experience and I understand the odd sense of guilt that comes along with it. I don't want to make anyone else feel bad that they couldn't nap through transition, but I do want people to be aware that their next birth could be simple and beautiful.

I try to be quiet when my friends sound like they need to vent, and then I glow and gush about my birth when they ask.

HTH!

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 1/11/11 at 10:03am

[intrepidmother]

You're not the only one!

I had a terrific birth experience. I wish I could tell people how wonderful it was. I feel OK telling people who are about to give birth, but I feel awkward around those who had a horrible experience. I usually try to find some common ground.... but it's hard. I want to share my joy, but there are many who don't appreciate it!! so I keep my mouth shut.

I try to be quiet when my friends sound like they need to vent, and then I glow and gush about my birth when they ask

or I do this!! We should be able to talk about it with excitement and happiness and not have to censor oursleves.

[ThankfulMama]

Thanks mamas! I certainly don't intend to gloat about it, but I'm just not sure how much to discuss it with some of my mama friends. On the one hand, I would never have had the birth I did if it were not for a friend of mine who discussed her plans for a med-free birth--It was back when I would have just followed the flow and accepted the norm of the medicated and highly interventional hospital birth around here. This friend opened my eyes to a whole new world and I learned to much and am so thankful. I completely changed my perception of birth because of her influence. I want to be able to do that for someone in return, but I also don't want to offend. I guess I see that in the particular circle I am talking about, they don't really know there are other options out there. It seems like so often it is only the scary labor stories that are told. . .

[annettemarie]

I'm going to move this over to Birth and Beyond.

[Belle]

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

It was very toxic, and especially when they would glow with pride at their accomplishments and tell me how easy birth is, etc.

It's not a problem if you know your audience. So if you know you will be around someone who had a traumatic birth, then you just adjust the way you speak about yours. I don't mind hearing someone say, "I had a really good experience," or "This time was so much better than last time," or, "It went really quickly this time. I was rather amazed."...

ITA with you. Its knowing your audience. I always tread lightly when talking with a woman who I don't know her birth story, or if I know it to have been a traumatic birth. But it can be equally toxic to deluge a first time mom with horror stories. Especially with FTMs, I want them to know that while nothing is certain, it can be a positive experience. My mother filled me with nothing but negativity about my own birth. She even blamed me for it. I've never taken it personally, but it did put a degree of fear in me.

I was extremely lucky that my first was so positive. Even more so with my second, if I was birthing in the same place with my second as I did my first it would not have been so positive. Being at home saved me a lot of interventions in that birth. I'm not afraid to share that part. Especially when someone claims that homebirths are more dangerous.

[buckeye_bebe]

You aren't the only one. In real life, I don't speak up and relay my daughter's birth experience because it was rapid and a painless delivery. No meds (hard labor was awful) and the pain went away when the urge to push came. Just up and vanished. An hour later, blammo, kid on my chest. But since in real life, the women I've met are all in to terrible horror birth stories, I just don't fit in and make a few envious. Some of us are held in great disdain for having a different experience. Not necessarily better, just different. Good luck.

[Sk8ermaiden]

Originally Posted by Belle

ITA with you. Its knowing your audience. I always tread lightly when talking with a woman who I don't know her birth story, or if I know it to have been a traumatic birth. But it can be equally toxic to deluge a first time mom with horror stories. Especially with FTMs, I want them to know that while nothing is certain, it can be a positive experience. My mother filled me with nothing but negativity about my own birth. She even blamed me for it. I've never taken it personally, but it did put a degree of fear in me.

Even though my birth was AWFUL, I did labor 0-10 and 9 hours of pushing before having pain meds and a c/s. I really try to talk up how awesome natural labor can be. My friends planning births were just getting horror stories left and right and I just feel some balance is needed.

I honestly love hearing great birth stories. The only time I have an issue is when the mom acts like anyone who has a bad birth can only blame themselves. I have even had a few people upon hearing I had a c/s ask me basically what I did wrong.

[mambera]

I had a pretty good birth. Honestly I was not looking to have an 'experience.' I wanted to get the baby out with a minimum of medical complication, and luckily that is what happened. I was mostly concerned to avoid a C if I could, and figured my best way to do that was to avoid other interventions insofar as possible. (Not that that is a guarantee, but everything is statistical.)

I do feel lucky about it. Birth can go south without a lot of warning. That's why I think having a 'birth plan' involves a bit of hubris and often doesn't go over well with OBs. You can't 'plan' birth. Birth happens, kwim?

Although I saw a lot of horribly overmanaged births in medical school, I haven't heard a lot of horror stories IRL. Not that I go around swapping birth stories with casual acquaintances. Most of my friends who are moms had standard hospital births with epidurals, which went fine.

[Just1More]

I know that lots of women have bad/tramatic births that are NOT their fault. But, even when it's not their fault, often, I am convinced, the fault lies with their support network. Yes, some women have it rough, they just do, but with proper care and support SO much can be avoided.

I was pretty quiet about things until I had to attend the hospital mandated class after ds's birth. It was a room full of new parents, and ALL of the women but me looked battered. I was seriously appalled. I couldn't believe how they had obviously been treated. The were bruised all over, several still had IVs and were in wheelchairs, and looked awful and exhausted. My baby was not quite 24 hours old and I had walked, bright and cheerful, and without a bruise on me to the class. I was just shocked at their condition. No wonder so many women have such a negative view of things.

I tread lightly, and I NEVER dismiss a woman's experience, for it was hers, and valid to her at the very least, if not in actuality. But, I do talk up positive birth as much as I possibly can. Somone, I strongly feel, HAS to reeducate women for our daughter's sake.

[mambera]

Originally Posted by Just1More

I was pretty quiet about things until I had to attend the hospital mandated class after ds's birth. It was a room full of new parents, and ALL of the women but me looked battered.

That's interesting... I had the same experience. Many members of the hospital staff actually commented on how good I looked (relatively speaking of course) after the birth. I hadn't thought about it being connected to the lack of interventions though.

[marinak1977]

I'm in the same camp - I had a beautiful smooth natural birth in a birth center, and everybody kept commenting about how great I looked just days after. I had a really easy recovery and felt pretty much back to normal less than a week later. I cherish my experience and really wish I could share more of it with my friends but I always feel a little guilty about my positive experience. I love having a group of people I can share it with! Thank you for starting this thread!

[JorgieGirl]

Right there with you. I don't mind being delicate when talking about my amazing birth, but it's when I get rude comments like, 'you lucked out' or sarcastic 'I hate you!' that I get annoyed. It would be nice if it could work both ways and every birth story would be supported for what it is. Sympathy for difficult ones and celebration for awesome ones. At the very least it would be nice to not be snarked at for having a positive experience. lol.

That's my issue. I'd never ever dream of rubbing it in anyone's face. As I'm sure no mama would. It's just not a common issue since positive birth experiences seem to be the minority.

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 1/11/11 at 10:06am

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

If there was nothing positive I could see on that day, then why and how could I possibly celebrate someone else's incredibly beautiful and positive experience?

Isn't that just life though? I mean, something may go dreadfully wrong in my life, but that doesn't mean I can't be happy if something goes RIGHT in the lives of those I love. I'm sure it's difficult, but as I try to remind myself,
"Someone else's success is not your failure."
My career may be a horrible nightmare & when my friend gets her dream job, I may feel bad initially, but I have to remind myself of the above fact & try to be happy for her.

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

If asked, I tell them that it sucked for me. But it will likely be different for them <snip>
I would expect that many mothers with birth trauma do the same. There does seem to be an understood code of conduct regarding sharing our stories.

Hm, IMX, the "code of conduct" for sharing birth stories in the US is that everyone assumes it's painful & it sucks. And of COURSE you're going to get the drugs because natural birth makes as much sense as natural dentistry! And you don't get a medal, right? And your "plans" are all well & good, but when the time comes, you will be begging for that epidural.

Honestly, when PG with DS, I had people say some of that to me almost word for word!!! DH had people say it to him too when he told them we were planning a natural birth & wouldn't be leaving for the hospital at the first ctrx. Or they'd roll their eyes and comment on how painful birth is, and the rest is very clearly implied.

So, I disagree that people say, "Oh, but your birth won't necessarily be awful." But rather they say the opposite! If you DO plan a natural birth & look forward to a positive experience, they tell you to expect a painful, dreadful experience. It's just our culture too. We expect birth to be dreadful, dangerous, awful, portray it that way in the media, etc.

[mambera]

Originally Posted by MegBoz

I had people say some of that to me almost word for word!!! DH had people say it to him too when he told them we were planning a natural birth & wouldn't be leaving for the hospital at the first ctrx.

I always kind of wonder in what context this kind of thing would even come up. I mean, did you have people ask you about your birth plans? I don't recall discussing it with anyone beforehand really.

[RedOakMomma]

I talk about my birth with friends and with first-time pregnant moms (or friends who haven't been pregnant yet). I just want them to know how good birth can be, and counteract the ridiculous stuff you hear on tv, or from the "epidural in the parking lot" folks.

Would I gush about my birth to a bunch of strangers? Probably not. And I definitely wouldn't do it around women who had a sad/upsetting birth experience.

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 1/11/11 at 10:09am

[MamaChicken]

When asked about my experience, I freely share. I had amazing births with my DD and the twins - painfree and uncomplicated. With DS1, it was horrible - every intervention short of a c-section thanks to very bad pre-e. When I am at a baby shower or around a first time mom, and the horror stories are flying, I try to add in the idea that not ALL births are horrible and painful. I think it is a really crappy thing we (meaning women in general) do to each other by bombarding a new mom with fear and horror stories.

And I disagree that it is human nature to not be happy for someone who is fortunate in soe way that you are not. I think that is just a cop-out for being jealous and imature. I mean really, you can't be happy for someone who has NOT been through a c-section first? Yikes!