Mama Chat re: Positive Birth Experience? - Page 2

[RedOakMomma]

Originally Posted by MamaChicken

I mean really, you can't be happy for someone who has NOT been through a c-section first? Yikes!

Ouch. You know what, birth trauma is TRAUMA. It's grief and pain and a lot to work through. So what if someone has a hard time cheering others for a while. These kinds of snarky remarks aren't helpful for someone who's hurting.

If your life has been fortunate enough that you've never looked darkly on certain situations, or the fortunes of others, then thank your lucky stars. Don't put others down in their pain.

[BetsyS]

I've heard a lot of birth stories. When people find out that I used to be a midwife or L&D nurse, the birth stories start flying.

And I love it. Mostly.

I love hearing the wide variety. I love hearing the pride, the accomplishment, I love sympathizing with the hard stories. My own birth stories aren't ideal, but I share them, too, and they are special to me, because they are the birth of my perfect and ideal children, you know?

What I don't love is the assumption in the natural birth community that is sometimes there that says, "if you had done it right, then you wouldn't have had a traumatic birth." It places so much blame (on the mother sometimes, on the caregivers sometimes, on the system sometimes), when sometimes, just sometimes, there is no place to put blame but on bodies that don't always do what they are supposed. Babies that grow too big, that won't get into a good position, uteruses that tire out, and c-sections that seem gloriously needed at the time. Hindsight is, of course, 20/20, and lots of women regret or mourn their c-sections. But, not everyone does. Nor should they. So, yeah, that assumption that "c-sections are evil/vaginal births are the end all and be all", yeah, that gets on my nerves.

[Just1More]

Right. It isn't about "my way is better than yours." I was just talking with someone yesterday, and I was urging her that WHATEVER her decision, be it a homebirth with a midwife, or a planned c-section (she isn't planning one, I was being extreme), decide what was right for HER, not for some ideal.

I don't think anyone here is talking about rubbing it in, or be insensitive, or COMPARING births, just that those of us who have had "good" births, feel like...

1.) We should be able to talk about it, too. It IS a part of OUR life.
2.) We want to educate those women who DO NOT know it *COULD* be different. (Again, not to preach to the choir, or make others feel bad, and not to guarantee that it WILL be different, just to suggest it may not have to be so bad.)

Is that really too much to ask?

[Bellabaz]

Originally Posted by dislocator3972

I too had a wonderful birth experience and I understand the odd sense of guilt that comes along with it. I don't want to make anyone else feel bad that they couldn't nap through transition, but I do want people to be aware that their next birth could be simple and beautiful.

I try to be quiet when my friends sound like they need to vent, and then I glow and gush about my birth when they ask.

HTH!

This

[MamaChicken]

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma

Ouch. You know what, birth trauma is TRAUMA. It's grief and pain and a lot to work through. So what if someone has a hard time cheering others for a while. These kinds of snarky remarks aren't helpful for someone who's hurting.

If your life has been fortunate enough that you've never looked darkly on certain situations, or the fortunes of others, then thank your lucky stars. Don't put others down in their pain.

Absolutely right. I appologize.

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

And for the record, no. I don't have to be happy if someone got her dream job if it was my dream, too, and I didn't get it. That's not the way human nature works. Maybe I just have a jealous temperament, but the only births I'm happy for these days are VBACs.

Well, first, I agree with you that it's human nature to be jealous & NOT be happy when others have joys in areas of our lives where we feel frustration, pain & sorrow. HOWEVER, I think it's the right thing to do! It's hard, very hard, but it's the right thing to do. So I remind myself of that saying that, "Someone else's success is not your failure" & make an effort to feel joyful for her joy.

I think it was the specific way you said:

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

then why and how could I possibly celebrate someone else's incredibly beautiful and positive experience?

That I had issue with. It's HARD to feel joy in that situation - no doubt! But why SHOULD you feel joy? Because- if you love someone, you share their joys. I love that phrase, cheesy as it is, "A friend is someone who doubles your joys & divides your sorrows." That's the way it should be, at least IMO.

Obviously though, with all that being said, I would of course try to be sensitive to you & NOT go on & on about how awesome my birth was if I knew you had a traumatic birth or sensed that it was bothering you as I spoke. But, again, alternatively, I wouldn't expect you to scowl at me & ask me to be quiet if I did let something slip (such as if a 3rd person present happened to ask.)

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by mambera

I always kind of wonder in what context this kind of thing would even come up. I mean, did you have people ask you about your birth plans? I don't recall discussing it with anyone beforehand really.

My MIL was one person who said the, "I don't know, those ctrx really hurt!" In that tone of voice like, "OK, whatever, you're nuts to try it without the epidural!" I guess maybe we talked about going to Bradley classes, I don't recall how it came up. Or maybe, since she is someone I'm close to, I chose to share my plans & excitement for this milestone in my life.

Somehow someone at DH's work mentioned leaving for the hospital as soon as labor starts & DH replied, "Uh, no, no rush. We'll labor at home a while first." & that may have revealed our plans for natural birth (Cuz if you want the epidural in the parking lot, then of course you'd leave ASAP, right?) So then that prompted the comment, "Oh, whatever, she'll be begging for that epidural."

YES, someone said that to my DH! There were probably MORE comments than that, because I DISTINCTLY recall telling him, "I don't want to hear this! If people say that to you, DON'T TELL ME!" It was just too frustrating & discouraging. So, again, there must have been more than one comment to prompt me to make that request of him.

[zoe196]

interesting thread. I was terrified about giving birth and while pregnant I heard many birth stories-- i tried to collect as many positive birth stories as possible, to kind of immerse myself in the possibility of a joyful birthing experience. I found people more willing to share bad experiences then good and the rare good ones I heard I tried to really embrace them as a potential outcome for my own pregnancy. I know things can and do go wrong but I believe hearing the positive stories helped me approach birth with a less fearful attitude which, in turn, helped my have the best experience I could have. I was grateful to hear them. They empowered me. There are so many negative associations with birth that it seems the positive ones need to be put out there more. That's not to say gloating is a good idea and being sensitive to those whose stories aren't positive as well as those whose stories you don't know is essential.


Zoe

[mambera]

Originally Posted by zoe196

I found people more willing to share bad experiences then good and the rare good ones I heard I tried to really embrace them as a potential outcome for my own pregnancy. I know things can and do go wrong but I believe hearing the positive stories helped me approach birth with a less fearful attitude which, in turn, helped my have the best experience I could have. I was grateful to hear them. They empowered me.

That's interesting, and makes me think maybe I should go post my own birth story on the Birth Stories board. Since it happens to be a good one.

I really didn't have a lot of interest in birth stories, positive or negative. I felt like there was a good chance things would go well, a small chance they wouldn't go well, one way or another the baby would get out, and reading lots of anecdotes wasn't going to change that.

Maybe that's why I didn't really discuss my 'birth plans' (such as they were) with others. I figured I had done everything I could do to have a good birth (engaged a trustworthy midwife practice, attended their birthing classes, did a little Hypnobabies home training, planned to stay home as long as possible) and the rest was in the hands of fate.

ETA: OK, here's mine. Should anyone be interested.
http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1199793

[Sk8ermaiden]

I wasn't into birth stories either - but now for some reason I can not stay away from the VBAC attempts - no matter how they turn out.

[marinak1977]

Originally Posted by Just1More

I don't think anyone here is talking about rubbing it in, or be insensitive, or COMPARING births, just that those of us who have had "good" births, feel like...

1.) We should be able to talk about it, too. It IS a part of OUR life.
2.) We want to educate those women who DO NOT know it *COULD* be different. (Again, not to preach to the choir, or make others feel bad, and not to guarantee that it WILL be different, just to suggest it may not have to be so bad.)

Is that really too much to ask?

Yes my experience was comparatively easy, yes, my labor went relatively fast and was intervention free (well... mostly, I did have to have IV antibiotics), and yes my recovery was smooth and uncomplicated, but it was still a huge moment in my life and I do not want to feel it diminished because I was "lucky". It was labor - it was excruciatingly painful, it was exhausting and at times scary. When I was pushing my son out I thought I was tearing in half, during transition I doubted my strength and second guessed my desire to go med-free. So going through this was an intense and empowering experience and in no way was it a "walk in the park".
But beyond that I celebrate my birth experience because of the amazing contributions and support of everyone else involved. I do not feel like I did this alone and the glory is all mine. My midwives kept me going, my DH was my rock (even as he was freaking out inside) but most of all my little one helped me with everything. Until I took the birth class I didn't realize how much work a baby has to do to help the mother. I feel immense gratitude and warmth towards him that makes my bond that much more.

So yes I understand that someone may feel jealous and vulnerable, but I do feel that I should be able to talk about my experience without feeling the guilt of being "the lucky one". I feel hurt that even in this thread that announces upfront it being about positive birth experiences there have to be comments - "yeah great for you, but my experience sucked". So even here the guilt is brought back. And this makes me feel like there never is a place for me to express my joy.
/rant

[tygrss]

Originally Posted by marinak1977

Yes my experience was comparatively easy, yes, my labor went relatively fast and was intervention free (well... mostly, I did have to have IV antibiotics), and yes my recovery was smooth and uncomplicated, but it was still a huge moment in my life and I do not want to feel it diminished because I was "lucky". It was labor - it was excruciatingly painful, it was exhausting and at times scary. When I was pushing my son out I thought I was tearing in half, during transition I doubted my strength and second guessed my desire to go med-free. So going through this was an intense and empowering experience and in no way was it a "walk in the park".
But beyond that I celebrate my birth experience because of the amazing contributions and support of everyone else involved. I do not feel like I did this alone and the glory is all mine. My midwives kept me going, my DH was my rock (even as he was freaking out inside) but most of all my little one helped me with everything. Until I took the birth class I didn't realize how much work a baby has to do to help the mother. I feel immense gratitude and warmth towards him that makes my bond that much more.

So yes I understand that someone may feel jealous and vulnerable, but I do feel that I should be able to talk about my experience without feeling the guilt of being "the lucky one". I feel hurt that even in this thread that announces upfront it being about positive birth experiences there have to be comments - "yeah great for you, but my experience sucked". So even here the guilt is brought back. And this makes me feel like there never is a place for me to express my joy.
/rant

Excellent post! You summed up my feelings perfectly!

[philomom]

Yes, I'm one of those people who does talk about my births with a big smile on my face. My kids are teens and I still sometimes catch my hubby bragging to a pregnant co-worker about how awesome I did with birthing.

Bradley classes
CNM
Brewer diet
and plain old good luck

[cheryllynn]

I did have an amazing birth and I find it actually difficult to talk about because others want to stop me and correct me because they think I couldn't possibly have had an easy, comfortable pain-med-free birth. It's as if they couldn't possibly conceive of such an idea. I do like discussing it because I'd like it out there in our culture that it doesn't have to be painful, or filled with interventions and drugs.

As for 'lucked out' I do think I had something to do with improving my odds by reading, educating myself, seeing both a chiropractor and cranial sacral therapist, following my GD diet, watching my blood pressure, researching which essential oils could help, hiring an amazing doula and practicing Hypnobabies. Since I was a first time mom, I didn't know what to expect.

I remember one appt the LD nurse asked what book I was reading and it was one of Ina May's and the nurse was pleased mentioning that so many women don't take the time to educate themselves on child birth.

I watched every Painfree / Hypnobabies Youtube birth I could watch and then prefaced everything with "if all goes well" because there is the unknown.

I guess I could say that I was lucky in that my doctor and nurses didn't intervene, they read my birth plan and followed what I requested. Some of the doctors in the practice resisted during my prenatal appts - funny that those were the younger ones - when I mentioned I wanted a natural childbirth. You see, I was overweight, gestational diabetes, borderline high blood pressure, first time mom and 49. yup, 49.

But to say I lucked out, maybe, but maybe not. I did try to stack the deck in my favor as much as possible.

I now tell everyone about Hypnobabies and my essential oils to any pregnant woman who wants to hear.

I find it interesting that I am still processing the birth. I am also very excited and looking forward to baby #2, if we are so lucky as to blessed with another wee one.

[Sk8ermaiden]

Originally Posted by cheryllynn

But to say I lucked out, maybe, but maybe not. I did try to stack the deck in my favor as much as possible.

You see, I did all of those things too - and planned a homebirth with a wonderful midwife. It is not so much that you "lucked out" that they did not intervene - obviously you are educated enough that you can avoid things like that, but that you lucked out that nothing unfortunate happened.

For example, despite regular chiropractic care, lots of pelvic rocks, laboring on my hands and knees, etc - my baby turned her head sideways with a brow presentation DURING labor and would not turn into a position which would allow her to be born vaginally - no matter what we did.

Just bad luck.

There are dozens of reasons that labor can deviate from the plan, and I can't do anything about them - it's something I'm coming to grips with for any future births.

Obviously we do everything we can to have a smooth and normal birth, but luck plays a bigger part than I think most women would like to admit.

Love the "if all goes well" part. I did that too - through my pregnancy - and I was really glad I did, because it didn't get thrown in my face quite so much when I had a Cesarean.

[mambera]

Originally Posted by Sk8ermaiden

Obviously we do everything we can to have a smooth and normal birth, but luck plays a bigger part than I think most women would like to admit.

Everyone always wants to have the illusion of control. Especially if things went well, we want to believe that it was because we 'did it right.'

There was a Hypnobabies thread on MDC a while ago where women who found it helpful were basically saying that if you didn't find it helpful (as I didn't), you weren't doing it right. Like, everyone could have a pain-free birth if they'd just do it right! Duh!

I found Hypnobabies totally pointless, as was most of the labor-related reading I did while pregnant. (I read a Gaskin book which didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. Wish I'd spent that time and money learning about breastfeeding instead, d'oh.)

Actually I think my best preparation for birth was my OB rotation in med school. (Obviously that's not a live option for birth preparation for most people, heh.) I was pretty well aware of many of the things that can go wrong despite best practice - hence I would never declare a 'plan' to birth a certain way bc I pretty much knew that anything could happen.

By the same token though, I'd also seen firsthand how interventionist medical practices can totally screw up an otherwise normal birth. (That's a lot of what sent me running for the midwives when I got pregnant. I did get some arched eyebrows from my medically-indoctrinated colleagues when I let slip that I was seeing a midwife instead of an OB.)

[ThankfulMama]

I just wanted to pop back on to thank everyone who replied. I really appreciate hearing from both sides and really enjoyed reading the responses.