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Talk to me about discipline

post #1 of 37
Thread Starter 
For a 2 3/4 year old. ( 2 1/2 whatever)
He is seriously driving me INSANE. He is out of control (because of lack of discipline) and I need help!!
I have tried redirection (doesn't work, he is seriously bordering on obsessive when he wants to do/have something). What are my other options? What are good books? I want to get to the library soon for some books so hit me with them.
Also, your experience with incredibly spirited, climby, jumpy children (who want you to participate ) is appreciated. I seriously do NOT have the energy for this.
post #2 of 37
There is no such thing as discipline. I am in the same boat and was just discussing this very thing with a friend of mine.

You can't win.

They don't listen. They're irrational. They aren't really clear on cause and effect. Heck, half the time, they don't even know the names of their feelings. They think when they take a flying leap off the couch, head first, that it won't hurt when they land.

How are we to reason with that?

We are screwed.

Eat chocolate.

V
post #3 of 37
Thread Starter 
That's not very encouraging!
post #4 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by Violet2 View Post
There is no such thing as discipline. I am in the same boat and was just discussing this very thing with a friend of mine.

You can't win.

They don't listen. They're irrational. They aren't really clear on cause and effect. Heck, half the time, they don't even know the names of their feelings. They think when they take a flying leap off the couch, head first, that it won't hurt when they land.

How are we to reason with that?

We are screwed.

Eat chocolate.

V
This gave me such a chuckle. Makes total sense. Why, oh why, do I think I can reason with her?
After the day I had, I mean after the week I had, this was really encouraging. Might I add, drink a little wine here and there.
post #5 of 37
On a more serious note...

Bribes, I mean, rewards really work for my almost 2.5 yr old. She'll do anything for a 'treat'. I don't use punishments. Actually before she was a toddler I read Unconditional Parenting and loved the theory. Still do. Practice it as much as I can figure it out. Avoid using time outs as punishment. In the past I never used rewards or gimmicks to get her to do things. I DO use a lot, A LOT, of playful parenting. Check out that book, Playful Parenting. If she starts resisting something that I need her to do, I stop, I think, how can we make this a game/fun? It works.

I have started to reward her with a 'treat' if she can go all morning without pinching, hitting, or hurting me. She also gets a treat after dinner if she doesn't pinch me. The pinching has been a problem since she was fifteen months old and I have posted many other threads here regarding her pinching me. I tried everything that the ladies here on MDC said to do, and then some. I even tried spanking and time outs for a short time. Where's that smilie with the bag over her head? Nothing worked.

Then, my dh started giving her a treat for not pinching and low and behold it's working. My arms no longer look like I've been in a fight with a cat.
post #6 of 37
OP, I think we have the same son

Today DS:
- peed off the balcony
- climbed on a chair while I was feeding the baby and pulled down his art supplies and then painted his naked body
- filled an entire egg carton with the remainder of 3 bottles of paint
- threw buckets of water all over the bathroom and down the hallway
- 'played' by throwing toys everywhere, repeatedly, all. day. long.
- ran headfirst into my cupboard. I've got no idea why.

Discipline just does not work. At all. For example, I've been telling/asking him not to play with powerpoints for nearly 3 years now. Never has he paid any attention to me. No amount of repetition, distraction, explaining or childproofing has any effect. It's gone on so long now I figure he's nearly old enough to teach how to use them safely

Living in a small apartment with a jumping, throwing, climbing toddler is a challenge

I've read a couple of great books, but the most useful for DS was Playful Parenting. He really, really responds well to intensive 1:1 attention and playfulness. To be honest, I don't always have the energy it requires, but when I do it, it works more often than not.
post #7 of 37
I've not read the book but I'm familiar with the theory and I'll vote for Playful Parenting too, when you have the energy to do it.

I am SO tired of yelling at DD. I yell WAY more than I'd like to but I am SO tired and worn out with chasing her and DS around all day. And she has NO volume control, so everything she says to me is in toddler-whine at volume 10! She has been asking for things and when I tell her No she tells me "but I want it ANYWAYS". um, yes, but I said NO. irrational. She's also been pushing her boundaries, testing her limits, etc. When I ask her to do something she answers either "In a minute!" or "Not now!" or just simply "No." The first two are in cute sing-songy voice and hard to get mad at but I want her to do what I ask when I ask it, not on her own agenda. She's not old enough to have an agenda, is she? I do try to make sure that she can finish what she is working on first.
post #8 of 37
I don't understand the "discipline doesn't work" thing. It does too! From a VERY early age, we've been teaching ds to be a gentleman (alright, laugh, but it's true!) and the thing is, he is. He's gentle. He says please and thank you. We don't punish him, although if he is antisocial, he has to "go by himself" for a few seconds. I know that's not in sync with Unconditional Parenting, however, all the children who I know whose parents discuss issues ad nauseum with them have kids who do not listen to their parents, and talk their way out of situations. Have you ever seen Thank You For Smoking? There's a part where the lobbyist dad explains to his child that if you argue correctly, you are never wrong. I do understand the importance of dialogue, and the importance of allowing our children to express themselves. But I think we also have a job to put our foot down when necessary.
post #9 of 37
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by RosemaryS-F View Post
I don't understand the "discipline doesn't work" thing. It does too! From a VERY early age, we've been teaching ds to be a gentleman (alright, laugh, but it's true!) and the thing is, he is. He's gentle. He says please and thank you. We don't punish him, although if he is antisocial, he has to "go by himself" for a few seconds. I know that's not in sync with Unconditional Parenting, however, all the children who I know whose parents discuss issues ad nauseum with them have kids who do not listen to their parents, and talk their way out of situations. Have you ever seen Thank You For Smoking? There's a part where the lobbyist dad explains to his child that if you argue correctly, you are never wrong. I do understand the importance of dialogue, and the importance of allowing our children to express themselves. But I think we also have a job to put our foot down when necessary.
Ok, so how do YOU discipline your child? This post doesn't give any ideas at all beyond making them "go by themselves for a few seconds". I'm pretty sure that's what I asked in my OP, isn't it? For ideas?

eta: My child is gentle and polite too, for the most part, but he climbs EVERYthing and pulls out EVERYthing and doesn't listen worth a darn. How do I teach him NOT to do these things? Because taking him down from places is getting incredibly tiresome and trying to get him to help me pick things up is crazy-making!
post #10 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by RosemaryS-F View Post
I don't understand the "discipline doesn't work" thing. It does too! From a VERY early age, we've been teaching ds to be a gentleman (alright, laugh, but it's true!) and the thing is, he is. He's gentle. He says please and thank you. We don't punish him, although if he is antisocial, he has to "go by himself" for a few seconds. I know that's not in sync with Unconditional Parenting, however, all the children who I know whose parents discuss issues ad nauseum with them have kids who do not listen to their parents, and talk their way out of situations. Have you ever seen Thank You For Smoking? There's a part where the lobbyist dad explains to his child that if you argue correctly, you are never wrong. I do understand the importance of dialogue, and the importance of allowing our children to express themselves. But I think we also have a job to put our foot down when necessary.
Dd has great manners. She says thank you and please etc... just fine. That's a pretty easy 'battle' to 'win' ime. She's an angel for our extended family. Just DH and I get the 'hellion'.

DD can't talk well enough to discuss so we don't debate. Unless you count screaming NOOOOOOOO.

I can put my foot down all day. Doesn't change the fact I've got a budding nudist who likes to dive off the couch head first and is shocked when it hurts. She has her agenda and absolutely no ability to defer impulses/delay gratification to an appropriate time and I have mine --getting them to converge is like trying to catch wind in my hands.

I think we are talking about different situations here. I find your advice to be a bit condescending and 'tsk tsk' you incompetent parents just can't do it right. That's what I 'heard' when I read your post and I would take issue with that view point.

V
post #11 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by RosemaryS-F View Post
I don't understand the "discipline doesn't work" thing. It does too! From a VERY early age, we've been teaching ds to be a gentleman (alright, laugh, but it's true!) and the thing is, he is. He's gentle. He says please and thank you. We don't punish him, although if he is antisocial, he has to "go by himself" for a few seconds. I know that's not in sync with Unconditional Parenting, however, all the children who I know whose parents discuss issues ad nauseum with them have kids who do not listen to their parents, and talk their way out of situations. Have you ever seen Thank You For Smoking? There's a part where the lobbyist dad explains to his child that if you argue correctly, you are never wrong. I do understand the importance of dialogue, and the importance of allowing our children to express themselves. But I think we also have a job to put our foot down when necessary.
Manners are different imo. Dd says please, thank you, and now she says excuse me 5 thousand times to get my attention. I think the op is talking about the daily constant need to keep the child from doing and getting into EVERYTHING.

To OP: sorry there is just no way around it...redirection, distraction, playful parenting, locking items up, prevention type strategies. It's exhausting, I know. I feel like I have two choices when it comes to getting dd to do or not do what I want: 1) yell, punish, time outs, etc. OR 2) make it a game, distract, redirect

Obviously I'd rather spend my time doing the second one. Both require super energy and I'd rather have my energy spent in a positive way.

The best way to discipline is model, model, model what you want them to do or say. Encourage them to do it with you and if they don't, then do it for them. If dd doesn't pick up whatever item she just threw down, I'll say something like, well then, I will pick it up because I don't want to trip or hurt my foot when I step on it. That's it. Over. No yelling. No physically forcing her to pick it up. No time out for disobedience. Nine times out of ten the next time I ask her to pick something up she will do it and I thank her for being helpful and keeping our feet safe. The discipline comes when they see what you are doing. Children want to fit in and will do things to fit into what the family does. Children want to please and be socially acceptable. I'm just speaking in general terms. Focus on telling your child what TO DO rather than what not to do.
For jumping, I allow mine to jump on the bed (it's on the floor). Maybe you could give more specific examples and we can brainstorm with you for solutions. What is he jumping on that you don't allow? Can you buy a mini trampoline for him? If I didn't want her in a room I'd buy a eye hook and place it so high on the door she can't reach even with a chair. I think prevention is great in some instances.

And finally, I give dd little jobs to do all day. She 'helps' me. Yup things take me longer to do, but at least she is involved in a positive way instead of clinging and whining 'up, up, up' the ENTIRE time. Find some jobs for him.

Hope some of this helps!
post #12 of 37
below
post #13 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by Violet2 View Post
I think we are talking about different situations here. I find your advice to be a bit condescending and 'tsk tsk' you incompetent parents just can't do it right. That's what I 'heard' when I read your post and I would take issue with that view point.

V
I think that manners are definitely part of discipline; Here's a definition of discipline: a system of rules of conduct or method of practice; the trait of being well behaved; developed behavior by instruction and practice; especially to teach self-control;

I would certainly say that manners fall firmly within those definitions. If manners are intact with our kids, then they have a very good basis for furthering their skills.

So sorry I sounded snarky in the first post; sometimes that happens I didn't mean to. I just wanted to say that discipline works, is not the same thing as talking/discussing problems, and that teaching and expecting good manners (to me and dh, first and foremost) are integral to that. They aren't two different things.

Also, op, your post said "talk to me about discipline" so that is why I talked about manners! That was my "idea"; obviously you didn't like it; I didn't know from your op that this wasn't a problem.
post #14 of 37
True that manners fall into the discipline realm, but to me, manners were easy because I have decent manners (usually) so she just modeled me.

What is hard is the CONSTANT need to redirect and distract. Two yr. olds don't just do what we ask and you can't reason with them. Violet and my first posts were an attempt to make light of this fact and how our efforts to convince our kiddos to do whatever it is that we need them to do seem so futile.

I do believe that discipline works. However, my definition of discipline for a toddler is model, distract, model, redirect, model, and make it into a game. Oh, and prevention.
post #15 of 37
Thread Starter 
I haven't tried a whole lot more than redirection, constantly removing him from places he shouldn't be (climbing the bookshelf? REALLY??), taking away things he's not supposed to have ("shampoo is for washing our hair at bathtime.")... At this point, everything he's not supposed to have is up high or locked in our double gated kitchen (which he is learning to take down). So he climbs to get to it. That's not even bringing the baby into play, whom he is constantly harassing (poking somehow, putting things in his mouth etc) so I can't turn my back for 2 seconds and heaven forbid I should need to PEE at some point during the day!
DH uses bribery alot which ticks me off to no end. IMO, all that teaches him is "if I try to do something I'm not supposed to do, I get treats".

I didn't grow up in the most functional family (to put it mildly)- my father was placed on the Child Abuse Registry after we left him and my mom is an addict- so I really don't have any CLUE what is "normal". I was in a program with my oldest child to teach "at risk" parents how to parent but that was 8 years ago at this point and I've forgotten much/most of what I learned.
I went to the library and got the How to talk book (I remember liking it when I was in that program) and a couple of others I can't remember atm.
post #16 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by kdtmom2be View Post
I've not read the book but I'm familiar with the theory and I'll vote for Playful Parenting too, when you have the energy to do it.

The first two are in cute sing-songy voice and hard to get mad at but I want her to do what I ask when I ask it, not on her own agenda. She's not old enough to have an agenda, is she? I do try to make sure that she can finish what she is working on first.
Yup. Mine has her OWN agenda. She wants to do everything herself and she wants to 'help' me all the time even if I don't want help. She wants to get dressed on her own time, not mine. Lately it just seems everything is a battle and I have to figure out how to compromise with her. I don't like to get physical with her. As in, I don't like to physically make her get dressed. So, that's where the playful parenting really helps. There is another thread either here or in Gentle Discipline forum that is very helpful to read through. Sorry I don't know how to link it, but the title is something like playful parenting ideas.
post #17 of 37
The thing for me with playful parenting is...

Okay, so DD doesn't want to get dressed. So I try to be playful and put her shirt on my head like a hat with the idea she'll laugh at me and say 'that's a shirt momma.'

But no.

She decides her shirt really is a hat. She'll wear her shirt alright. On her head. So she's still naked. With a shirt on her head.

Gotta be careful with playful parenting. It can backfire in awkward ways as I am finding out.

At this point, I give her some choices of what to wear (she then refuses to pick anything) and I basically chase her down and wrestle her into her clothes. I could negotiate or explain she has to go to her room if she can't be cooperative, but that takes a lot of time and ups the ante on the drama. It's just easier to chase her.

Actually, it's easier to go nowhere. We are avoiding scheduled activities right now. I refuse to argue with DD and spend an hour exhausting myself to try and get her out the door.
V
post #18 of 37
We are in the thick of this as well! I have twins who will be 3 in June, and though they are kind, well-mannered and fun, they can also be little monsters! DS just had a meltdown this afternoon because he wanted to watch a movie and I denied him. DH was SUPER helpful and started making comments to DS about how having a temper tantrum doesn't get you your way. I finally told DH that what he was saying was not okay, nor helpful. DS really just wants to be heard and talked through his disappointments. DD on the other hand wants to be distracted, typically by tickling.

As for the not listening, my favorite book is 'Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline'. Becky Bailey is the author, and I like how she promotes teaching kids to be assertive, and direct. You don't like something, you say I don't like that! She also promotes giving desirable choices, something that I've heard some parents from playgroup struggle with (usually one option the child will like and the other is a punishment). So in our family...it's not okay to stand on the dining table and push the overhead light....would you like to climb outside on your castle or take the cushions off the couch and pile them up and jump on them?

I haven't figured out a way to remedy the exhaustion. I swear it was way easier to have infant twins than two-year-old collaborative, opinionated twins!!
HTH
post #19 of 37
How does Playful Parenting deal with serious issues, like if the child is in danger?
post #20 of 37
The MOST helpful book in terms of making a difference in our lives has been "Kids, Parents and Power Struggles" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It tells you, step by step, how to create and define boundaries, get down on their level, and make your life SOSOSOSOSOSOSO much more peaceful!
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