Thoughts about death...can't talk to anyone about it.

[flower01]

So i have been struggling with depression for a long time ( i think) and I'm at a point where i really need to know what to do to help myself. I can't even tell my husband these things.

I don't want to commit suicide - when i'm in a "normal" mood - I can look at my life and see it for what it is, what needs work, what is in my control, etc. I'm not hopeless.

But, i have these really low points - i'll either wake up sad or something will trigger anger and i "see" images of myself dying or hurting myself. A few years ago it was melting into the floor and disappearing. The other day when i was really upset i just felt like stabbing myself in the chest, but i'm not goin to do it. Even in the moment i know it's not what i want but i cant get the image out of my head. It scares me, but it's too horrible to speak the words that I'm feeling.

Is this a sign of soething more than depression...I can't seen to find anything online about this.

[chrissy]

They sound like "intrusive thoughts," which are common in the "obsessive" part of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). : I'm sorry you're struggling.

[vocalise]

Those types of thoughts are very much a part of depression for me. I've been dealing with them for so long now (off and on) that they don't scare me quite so much. When I was a teen and experiencing my first episodes of depression, though, they were really scary. It took me a long time to get to the point where I was able to think of them as just a symptom, like I would about abdominal cramping if I had colitis. It's a sign you need to get yourself some help, but it is a normal part of depression for a lot of people.

I would recommend talking to your doctor. And, if at all possible, consider getting yourself a counselor; someone you don't have to worry about censoring yourself with while you talk. It's important that you get help with this. An awful lot of people struggle with depression (1 in 5 people over the course of a lifetime, by some estimates), so don't feel bad about talking about it and getting help.

s

[scottishmommy]

Those are intrusive thoughts. Do you have a psychiatrist? Don't be afraid to tell a doctor about this. It's a very normal part of OCD. There's a book called "The Imp of the Mind" that deals with intrusive thoughts. You see everyone has these weird thoughts sometimes, but people with OCD interpret them differently and become very anxious about them. They are just thoughts. They can't hurt you. The way I broke myself of them is to snap a rubberband against my wrist everytime I thought about something morbid or disturbing. It worked really well. Eventually your brain will associate these with pain and will stop (note that that kind of treatment is considered pretty controversial, but it totally worked for me)

[newbiemama09]

i agree with the PP about getting a counselor. a third-party, non-judgemental person to unload on. it might not seem manageable now, but it's possible that those intrusive thoughts are going to become more and more frequent, and then you may find yourself in a depression cycle that you can't get out of. it's better to seek help early, and don't be ashamed or guilty for these feelings. hopefully soon you get to a point where you can find a counselor and talk to your husband about all this-- i'm sure he'll love you for it.

[lovbeingamommy]

Get help now! I have severe OCD, however, now it's manageable for me with low-dosage sertraline (generic Zoloft) and Exposure Response Therapy. A good psychologist (phd level) will be able to give you many strategies for dealing with the intrusive thoughts. My advice though is not to wait until it is so bad that you are in a constant state of fear/panic because of the thoughts. Like pp's have said these are just thoughts and they can't hurt you.

[*Jade*]

They sound like very scary thoughts Hang in there. One thing to keep in mind is you won't feel like this forever, I remember thinking of suicide often, but the thoughts did go away, and it was like I couldn't even remember how bad it felt back then.

Are you doing things to elevate your depression? Sleeping enough, getting good exercise, doing things you enjoy? It's hard to keep going with these things when you are feeling down, but they can make such a difference.