Foster parent stigma

[marsupial-mom]

I noticed that there's a lot of people who don't understand or appreciate foster parenting. I knew it going in, but it still took me by surprise how many people feel a right to scrutinize me.

Don't get me wrong - there are bad foster parents. But they are the exception, not the rule.

And then there's the wellmeaning but thoughtless, "don't you get attached?"
Duh! Of course you get attached, that's the whole point, a real family connection. Otherwise we'd still have orphanages and kids would be warehoused. And yeah, it's hard to say goodbye but it's not the enc of the world, it's just a change. The really difficult emotional challenge for me is realizing that thousands of children languish in the system waiting for adoptive parents... And I can only take so many.

Oh but then too there's the foster child stigma - people assume foster kids are
supremely damaged and difficult to handle. But The most challenging part is dealing with the system, not dealing with the children.

Don't get me wrong - there are difficult foster kids. But they are the exception, not the rule.

These kids end up in foster care for all kinds of reasons...
their parents are on drugs
their parents are sent to prison
their parents have serious mental health issues
their parents are teens
their parents are foster kids too
they're gay (parent kicked them out)
they're physically disabled
they have mental health issues
their parents are abusive
their parents abandoned them
someone in their bio home is abusive
someone made a mistake and removed the kids from their bio home without cause
their parents are dead
their patents are too poor to provide proper care
they're sexually active or pregnant (parent kicked them out)
etc... I keep learning about new reasons

anyway... Have you noticed this stigma? What do you do about it?

[christophersmom]

So far I have only had one Foster child. The one thing that bothers me is when people gush about what a great thing I am doing and how different her life would be. I think that while yes it may seem great, to me I feel like I have selfish reasons, we want to eventually adopt and her life would be just as great, maybe better or worse, who knows,in another foster home. I don't see it as noble or great.

[junipermoon]

my 2 boys were foster/adopt. they were "foster children" for about 3 years, though first mom's rights were terminated just weeks after they came into my care. they were child specific placements, I met them through my work at a psychiatric evaluation and stabilization progroam for foster kids, and so, I have never fostered kids in the general sense.

but casual acquaintances and people at the kids school and child care situations would make offensive assumptions, yes.

the money thing was a crazy--people thought I might be motivated by the money--when my standard of living was cut into half in order to foster. I had to move from a super sweet shared downtown apartment to an apartment community with doorknobs that came off if they were turned too many times, and, I went from shopping at whole foods to shopping at the discount market overnight and counting my one dollar bills carefully at the farmer's market, and it was just so dumb-founding to think people would assume or hint I would do it for the money--I mean, if you were doing it for the money, you would be neglecting the kids--they only send money based on what it costs to minimally care for a kid...

[heatherdeg]

I recently noted that when you see the bad foster parents in the media who are pocketing the stipend and neglecting the kids, they're not usually driving a Mercedes.

We still get it. In fact, I generally don't tell strangers that we're foster parents unless it's ABSOLUTELY necessary because then I'm immediately suspect--ya know?

Now, we're involved in a court case where we are intervening on our former foster daughters NEW foster case and fundraising for it is a JOKE. Because, ya know, we're foster parents... we HAVE money. We had her for the first 10 months of life, her mother for the next 10 months and now she's been in foster care in another state for 11 months. All we're trying to do is keep her from being reunited again because her mom keeps relapsing... at the states request, no less, because "their hands were tied". We're not even trying to get her back--we want her to stay with the people she's with. We just don't want her to go back to mom (and note that we FULLY supported RU the first time).

People don't get it. We must want her back... why would we do this if we didn't want her back... or better yet--we must want her back for the check that they assume would come with her.

GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

The rest of the crap is equally crazy. The misconception of foster parents, foster kids and foster care is just beyond comprehension. I think after money, the most annoying thing is people assuming that all kids in foster care are removed and placed for adoption. You have to see the looks I get when I correct them and tell them that foster care is TEMPORARY. They can't wrap their head around it. THEN you get the whole "don't you get attached" crap.

Blech...

[dogretro]

We always get the gushing about how wonderful we are and how strong we must be & how no one else could ever do this b/c they would get too attached..

We are not heroes. We are ordinary people who are doing something different. I really don't know how else to explain it to people. Sometimes I do feel high and mighty about it. Sometimes I wish our foster kids would leave b/c it would be easier. Mostly we just hang out and enjoy each other. Not better, not worse, just different.

When we do have a foster child, I get extremely tired of hearing how other people could not let them go. What on Earth am I supposed to say to you after that sentence??? It is the BIGGEST conversation killer ever!!! Seriously, does anyone have a good response to that one? I always want to say, "Of course you could, you just don't want to put yourself out there." I get so irritated that it makes me feel righteous, like don't bring me your poor excuse. I know you are not a foster parent, you don't have to justify not helping children to me.

I never did understand where the "in it for the money" thing came from. Foster care is a hassle! It is not worth their checks!

[queenjane]

When i first got keegan, a cashier at walmart asked me if he was a crack baby. That was fun.

In fact, sometimes i feel a little bad because i tend to go over and beyond telling people how healthy/normal/typical my son is, as well as the other two foster kids i've had. I'm trying to find a new place to rent, and on the one hand, i want to say i'm a foster parent because it means i've been checked out, have monthly visits (so i keep my place clean ), etc...but then i wonder if they have this stereotype of a foster mom with kids stacked to the ceiling, "bad" kids kicking holes in the wall, "crazy bio parents" showing up starting trouble...ugh. So i'm never sure how to handle that.

I have the opposite problem of people not understanding FC is "temporary"...people thinking that because i'm a FP i have an endless stream of kids through my door (in reality i've had one i adopted, one went to relatives, and one i may be able to adopt)...and many people seem surprised that FPs usually have the first "choice" to adopt a child in their care if TPR goes through...many people assume (i guess maybe because thats how it used to be years ago?) they would remove the child from you since you are just a foster parent and place that child with an adoptive family. In my state well over 90 percent of children available get adopted by foster parents and relatives, so clearly thats not the case here.

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

You know what gets me? The idea that there are fps and social workers lurking at every corner waiting to snatch up babies/kids from "just a little not mainstream but perfectly normal families." Yeah, right. 'Cause the system is so wide-open ready for kids, and it's so cheap to society, and . . . .

VeeGee had four cases opened on her by DCS before they removed her. And she was no picnic -- in ICU for two weeks. A foster mom stepped in and spent two weeks in ICU with her off the bat, and she was pregnant too -- she must have been an AWFUL person! Ultimately, VeeGee got a second set of fps who, wait for it, took her one hour away every single day for doctors' appointments, therapies, visits; who learned how to trach her and place her feeding tube, who bought her more toys than we could even haul away (yeah, they sent it all with us, along with hampers of hand-me-down clothes from their granddaughter). They were heroes to me, but, really, just doing a good thing. I'm glad they were paid well enough for fostermom to not have to work outside the home.

[pumpkingirl71]

Originally Posted by AndVeeGeeMakes3

You know what gets me? The idea that there are fps and social workers lurking at every corner waiting to snatch up babies/kids from "just a little not mainstream but perfectly normal families." Yeah, right. 'Cause the system is so wide-open ready for kids, and it's so cheap to society, and . . . .

I can't tell you how upset this makes me. I battle everyday to be the best mom that I can to my daughter when she carries huge scars from neglect and trauma. The idea that I stole her from another mother makes me want to spit.

I have to admit, I have met some foster parents who said things that really upset me. But I also know that foster parenting is hard and it is about helping kids. Sometimes you have to do things that are less than ideal to survive or get your kids to a btter place.

[dogretro]

Originally Posted by queenjane

When i first got keegan, a cashier at walmart asked me if he was a crack baby. That was fun.

Oh yeah, the babies are ALWAYS assumed to have been removed b/c of drug use. Despite the reasons for removal, I'm not allowed to discuss them anyway, so don't ask! I got v protective about the reasons for dfd2's removal & had no intention of sharing her info w/ every Tom, Dick, & Harry, even if I were allowed.

[MissinNYC]

Yes... I don't find there's a stigma for me, but for FDS. everyone wants to hear all the details about his removal and sad story and his mom's issues. I need to think of something good to say that is polite but stops the questions.

[dogretro]

Miss, I just tell people the truth: "I'm really not allowed to discuss his/her case." Or, "I'm not allowed to talk about that." That's it! I have had to say that many times & everyone understands b/c I could get into big trouble if it got back to cw

[natashaccat]

Originally Posted by dogretro

We always get the gushing about how wonderful we are and how strong we must be & how no one else could ever do this b/c they would get too attached..
.....

When we do have a foster child, I get extremely tired of hearing how other people could not let them go. What on Earth am I supposed to say to you after that sentence??? It is the BIGGEST conversation killer ever!!! Seriously, does anyone have a good response to that one?

Usually people don't let me get a chance to reply, but given an opportunity I remind folks that they probably wouldn't hesitate to give CPR just because the person might die anyway.

Sometimes I'll tell folks "yeah well I'm a grown up I'll get over it, but the baby would never get over not growing up w/o love"

[dogretro]

Originally Posted by natashaccat

Usually people don't let me get a chance to reply, but given an opportunity I remind folks that they probably wouldn't hesitate to give CPR just because the person might die anyway.

Sometimes I'll tell folks "yeah well I'm a grown up I'll get over it, but the baby would never get over not growing up w/o love"

You are lucky. Every time someone says this to me, it is the end of a statement. Huge silent pause afterwards, like it's my turn to continue the convo.. Yeah, thanks a lot, people!

I like the CPR line, may have to use it. I have used a line similar to the adult one. I do often say that I have a choice to do this. The kids will be removed from the parents whether they like it or not. If they can deal w/ it, so can I. I'm an adult, I have many proper coping mechanisms in place already, I will be okay. Got that one from another mom on here, too

[heatherdeg]

Originally Posted by MissinNYC

Yes... I don't find there's a stigma for me, but for FDS. everyone wants to hear all the details about his removal and sad story and his mom's issues. I need to think of something good to say that is polite but stops the questions.

"Yes, it's hard to put the child's need for a loving home before your own fears. I guess I just have a harder time knowing what they would be enduring if I DIDN'T do this than I do with missing them when they're gone."

I have a lot of comebacks along these lines.

We fostered infants and one Christmas my husband had the best comeback rehearsed. He would hold the baby and say: "Could you imagine this little angel laying in a hospital bed as a boarder baby with the only attention she would get is every 4 hours for a diaper change and feeding? Nothing more? Because I can't. That's a LOT more horrifying than loving her and then seeing her off to a far better situation then she came from."

And I'm really sick of hearing about how "They don't mean to insult you..." Yeah--I get it. It doesn't piss me off any less.

[marsupial-mom]

Originally Posted by natashaccat

Usually people don't let me get a chance to reply, but given an opportunity I remind folks that they probably wouldn't hesitate to give CPR just because the person might die anyway.

Sometimes I'll tell folks "yeah well I'm a grown up I'll get over it, but the baby would never get over not growing up w/o love"

Except... Most people never learn CPR. And even out of all the people who do learn it, only a few people step up and actually do it.

About "removal"... Well, no social worker is stealing the kids I've fostered. Both were abandoned. Mom just walked away.

About "doing it for the money": it's ridiculous! We earn 6 figures and have lost money by fostering. There's no way the reimbursement is an incentive for anyone who isn't desperate... Oh and they verify your income before you get licensed to make sure you could care for a child without the reimbursement.

[hannahgrace]

I am a good foster parent. Its apparent because my foster kids really excel once we get them. (I currently foster two medically fragile kids) I'm not saying this to brag - but its like someone all the time is surprised that I am a good foster parent. I always hear: "You are doing such a good job. You can tell they are attached to you. You take them to all their appointments. Most foster parents wouldnt do what you do."

I don't know. All the foster parents I have met are great and go above and beyond to meet the emotional and medical needs of their foster kids. I know there are bad ones out there - but I'm no saint. I just love my kids. And so do the other foster parents I know.

[Thandiwe]

Two things I HATE:

1) The money. I haven't gotten it a whole lot myself, just a few times, but it cracks me up. Let's see, if you figure for a growing toddler, especially one who loves to eat like our little one does lately, you figure 3 meals a day and two snacks a day. So that's $2.85 a meal/snack. Hmph. And that doesn't even cover an increase in water, electricity (not that there's really much, though), or rent (since after we moved we had to get a 3 bdrm vs a 2 bdrm to keep our license). Or clothes. Or new jackets. Or new shoes. Or diapers and wipes. Of course, add in the 250 miles rountrip we have to drive every week for visits with mom, and the gas/oil that soaks up. And wear and tear on the van. But, jeez, y'know, I'm in it for the money, darnit!

2) My mom. She's always saying, "Oh, the state is using you. They have been all along." I just look at her and am like, "Yeah, they kind of are. She'd be sent to another home if I refused to drive. But they are also failing to protect this baby, too. So if she's in this, then someone has to stand beside her. So here I am." After all, I may be able to "wash" my hands of this by sending her on down the line and closing this chapter, but she will still be there. And she's become just like my own daughter. Who could close the door on their daughter because of a rough climb up a mountain in life?

Yeah.... I know what you mean by the stigma. Of course, we get all kinds of stigma when people assume the kids are ours by birth too, so sometimes people actually are nicer to us when we say, simply, "We are also licensed foster parents," without indicating who is foster care. After all, we look like early 20's and have four kids under four. You should see the looks we get...

[Thandiwe]

Originally Posted by queenjane

When i first got keegan, a cashier at walmart asked me if he was a crack baby. That was fun.

Wow. I probably would have gone off on her... Some people. I often get the snarky, "They all yours?" comment, and I always want to say something nasty, but I've managed to hold my tongue and walk away, dreaming of the nasty things I'd love to say...

Jeez. That was nasty of that cashier.

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by Thandiwe

Wow. I probably would have gone off on her... Some people. I often get the snarky, "They all yours?" comment, and I always want to say something nasty, but I've managed to hold my tongue and walk away, dreaming of the nasty things I'd love to say...

Jeez. That was nasty of that cashier.

I think she was just being thoughtless, more than anything. So i let it go. she was trying to relate me to the experience her friend had who fostered drug addicted infants. But yeah...weird thing to say to a stranger yknow?