3 YO hates it when strangers talk to her-- WWYD?

[MaterPrimaePuellae]

Dh and I are both somewhat introverted; I would be VERY happy, for example, if I got through a grocery store trip without needing to talk to anyone.

DD is a cute little child who always has a cute little doll with her, and she talks constantly. I guess people assume she is gregarious, so they often stop to try to engage her in conversation. She DOES NOT like this. Sometimes they even ask (horrors!) to hold her doll, or they ask the doll's name, etc. She almost never responds, though she'll sometimes say quietly, "Don't ask me," and will often say loudly, when they are still in earshot, "Mommy, why did that strange lady try to talk to me?" or "I don't like it when people ask me about my babies."

Now, I totally sympathize with DD. It mildly annoys me when people stop to talk to her; they talk down to her (baby talk, intentionally poor grammar ["Is you three?" ], and it slows down trips that are already agonizingly slow. Also, I want to teach her to expect respect of her personal space.

However, I also feel like her responses are beginning to border on rudeness. I've tried to explain, "People are just trying to be nice, but you don't need to talk to strangers if you don't want to," but the more I try to explain, the more I get a replay of the conversation the next time a stranger talks to her (i.e., "Mommy, is that lady just trying to be nice, but I don't need to talk to her if I don't want to, because she's strange and I don't like it?")

So: How do I teach DD general politeness without encouraging the sort of "niceness" so often forced upon children (especially girls) which makes them think they need to be polite at the expense of comfort/safety? I know that tact is a lot to expect of a barely 3 YO, but I'm not sure how to address the situation.

[earthmama369]

We've tried to come up with short -- polite -- stock phrases the kids can use in situations where they're not comfortable. For example, "I don't care for this right now" at the dinner table instead of "EEW, I hate this!" This example combining two goals: not to make the cook feel like crap, and to remind the kids that just because something doesn't appeal to them one day doesn't mean they'll hate it forever. We try to phrase things so they don't get locked into an opinion and feel like they can't change it.

With ds (3) socially, we've gone with "I'm feeling shy right now." He often doesn't want to talk with strangers -- or even family and friends -- and will take some time to warm up in social situations. Once he gets going, he can be very outgoing, but we found that when he started out saying "I don't want to talk to her, I don't like her, I don't want to be here," etc., he felt locked into that and had a harder time getting comfortable. It seems like "I'm feeling shy right now" is a phrase most people are willing to accept from a young child, as well. It doesn't hurt their feelings or make it personal the way "Go away, I don't want to talk to you" does.

[One_Girl]

My dd used to do things like that also. I apologized for her and told people that she was sleepy or hungry because that is something people sympathize with in a small, cute child. When she was about three and a half she got over this and decided she loved other people, had to say hi and have a conversation with as many people as possible, and it has been hard to get through a store quickly since then.

[SweetPotato]

Originally Posted by One_Girl

My dd used to do things like that also. I apologized for her and told people that she was sleepy or hungry because that is something people sympathize with in a small, cute child. When she was about three and a half she got over this and decided she loved other people, had to say hi and have a conversation with as many people as possible, and it has been hard to get through a store quickly since then.

Same here, exactly. We talked a lot about appropriate responses, etc., but I reall feel like the big change has just been with time/maturity-- 3.5-4yo has been the magic time when she is now much more comfortable talking with new people.

[abcdefg]

Truthfully, people do invade the space of kids way more than they do with adults. People seem to think kids have no boundaries, and that is really not nice if you think about it. How would you like it if some weird lady came up and asked to hold your baby? How would you like it if someone patted your head and told you how cute you were? It's rough to be little and cute, man.

I think maybe you could sympathize with your daughter and tell her you understand. Then, explain how to give a very short response. I tell my reluctant to speak to strangers daughter that if she will just answer them quickly, they'll go away faster. I don't understand how when a child is reluctant, people sometimes invade their space even more. I've even seen them try to tickle her!!!!!

Now, she understands most of the time that quick responses usually equal quick get aways. In time, people will respect her space more.

[beanma]

I think "feeling shy right now" or "doesn't feel like talking right now" is a great response whether it comes from you or your dd. The "right now" being key. You don't want to unnecessarily hang the SHY label around her neck so that for the rest of her life she has to live up to being "shy".

I had a kid like that (and yes, she did grow out of it for the most part). At one point we saw a friend/acquaintance (someone she knew as well) coming our way from across the grocery store. DD1 totally blocked the upcoming comment with a shouted, "I'M NOT A PRETTY GIRL!", before the friend even had a chance to say anything!

I think explaining that sometimes other people feel sad if folks don't want to talk to them and giving her a couple of options there, too, can help. She could just say "hi" or if that's too much she could wave or smile. I think if you explain that she's feeling shy (or she explains it) then most people tread pretty gently. You might get a few who want to break thru the shyness but for the most part people are pretty respectful when they know what's going on.

[Erinz]

"feeling shy right now" sounds really sweet and maybe that would be better than what I say

My 3.something son turns away when people try to talk to him (and he is like your lo, cute with super great blond curls even, and talkative to me all.the.time) so he tends to attract really well intentioned older people a lot. I never expect him to make a response. Maybe it's just me or it's just my particular child, but I think this would place too great a stress on him. I usually pause to see if he wants to respond at all and then go forward. He doesn't owe strangers a response, even really sweet and kind strangers. I'm really big on personal space so I tend to make sure his boundries are being respected before I worry about anything else. Other people's feelings are not as important as my son's, kwim? I often don't feel like engaging with strangers so I give the polite smile and answer and walk away or make sure I'm clear (sweetly, don't want to sound like an arse here lol) that we're done. I've also turned it around (esp nice for sweet old people) and say "you must have grandchildren" or "that's a lovely brooch" or whatever -- and show my son through example other ways to engage w/o feeling invaded. But like I said, I don't expect him to do any of that for now, I'll model the behavior for him and he can try it out whenever he wants with no expectations from me.

oh! and if someone starts to reach out to touch him I would be sure to pull him closer first. In order to invade his space they'll need to invade mine first and my space is clearly defined

[misstorri]

My 4 yo is similar to your daughter and I have failed to come up with an appropriate response for him. I am going to try out "I'm feeling shy right now" and see how it goes over.

[doulatara]

To the OP, I could have written your post word-for-word when my daughter was 3, she is 10 now. I am pretty outgoing but her dad is more of an introvert. I struggle with trying to protect her and trying to teach her that small gestures such as making eye contact when you speak to someone (an older child issue, probably) or just finding the line of being polite vs. coming off rude.

I strongly believe that the general public feels like they can lay claim/ownership to/for babies and children..and I am really not cool with it.

Even my own dad, who maybe spends time with my daughter 3 times a year has always tried to swoop her up in his arms and give her hugs and kisses, and she always looks uncomfortable when it happens. I am sorry, but he doesn't know her that well and if she is uncomfortable with that I will defend her, because in that I believe I am honoring her instincts in what she is and isn't comfortable with. I think defending our children's gut instincts is key, but I do struggle with the line in which I am being over-protective or I am letting her explore her own boundaries. I try to just sit back and look for cues from my daughter as to her comfort or discomfort and react from there.

My own issue with my daughter being an introvert is this- I do feel like being a "people person" helps with life contacts, job leads, etc. I always want to honor my child as who she is, yet I always want to work on "people skills" with her because I feel like those can be as important as knowledge in life.

Whoo...after all that I'm not sure I have helped, but I am right there with you!

[doulatara]

One more thing- about the SHY word- my daughter never wants me to use it, has voiced it, feels like there is a stigma attached to it. I try not to label her vocally to others in any way...just let her react naturally and be her support/advocate where I can.

[abcdefg]

Here's a great article on "shyness":

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t110223.asp

Please read the whole article, but this quote applies alot to what we are talking about:

"Never label a child "shy." On hearing this a child feels something's wrong with her, and this will make her feel more shy. If you must use words to describe your child use "private" or "reserved." These are nicer and more accurate terms. Labels also affect the way others treat your child. Calling her "shy" can make them over solicitous, as though there is something they should do to "help" or fix it."

I especially love this quote, "Hug your quiet child. The world will be a more gentle place because of him or her."

[MaterPrimaePuellae]

Thanks so much for all the advice so far!

I want to clarify first by saying that DD is NOT shy, and if she were, I would probably want to deal with the situation differently. She's one of the most talkative children I have ever been around-- with friends/family, it's hard to get her to stop. As someone who is not really that interested in casual social interaction myself, I understand her reluctance to engage with the strangers who ask her random questions... I don't really consider than to be "shyness" because (for example) she is VERY happy to chat w/ the bakery attendant who decorates cakes (fascinating!) and hands out cookies . DD will initiate conversations/interactions with other moms w/ babies, too (because she LOVES babies)

However-- if DD's not getting something out of the interaction, no dice.

I introduced the "I'm just feeling shy right now" concept to DD, and she latched right on to it. Even though I don't think it's an entirely accurate description of her feelings, it's something other people can understand and it gives her some control over ending the situation.

I totally agree with all the posters who have mentioned the tendency that a lot of people have to invade the personal space of children. I find it really hard to understand/deal with sometimes, because, frankly, I am not really that interested in children other than my DD. Why would a random stranger even want to ask my daughter what TV shows she watches? It's weird.

Anyway-- thank you again for all the advice! I think the "feeling shy" (which I have described to DD as "not wanting to talk to that person right now) response will work well for us for a while.

[justmama]

I know my daughter is a little young for this discussion(she just turned 2) but I had to peek into this forum because unlike my other two girls, she's PAINFULLY shy. We've been going to the daycare at the ymca for a YEAR now and the workers are pretty much the exact same people as when we started and not a single one of them has ever heard her speak. She speaks full complete sentences and paragraphs but is too shy to speak in public. When people come up to her in a store, she RUNS and hides between my legs and people still don't seem to "get it." It scares her when people talk to her. And it's really hard to fix it without offending people. She won't ride in a sling, she wants to walk as she's very independent. But when people even turn and look at her she freaks. It's hard to advocate for your kid without offending other people, even though they may be well-meaning and feeling nostalgic about their own kids while seeing mine.

[claddaghmom]

I had to read this too. DD is 15 months but this has come up many times in public and in extended family situations. I personally am not bothered by it and figure she will outgrow but I am tired 1) of people stepping over her like she's a dog and 2) basically seeing this as a defect to all my "nature stuff" that I do (aka no CIO, co-sleep etc).

The second a stranger comes rushing over to her with a screechy high voice, she runs for my legs and clings to me. And a few times, I'm ashamed to admit, I've even tried to go along with it, helping her to wave her hand and saying, "Ok, say hi!" or "Say thank you!" Recently she stared at me when I did this and I was suddenly hit with this understanding from her glare, as if she was telling me, "look, mom, this random, rude weirdo is whining at me and I'm supposed to be nice to her?"

At the same time I'm tired of people thinking DD is shy or defective. All she does all day is talk and play and interact. Just not with random, loud strangers.

[Homecover]

As a gramma of 2, I am so impressed by your kind, thoughtful and knowledgable comments.

I especially liked what Erinz said about modeling kindness toward our elders.

So important to keep child safe by staying close to child and shielding them with our bodies if needed.

Cheers to all.

[eckmannl]

My dd is 5.5 and she still doesn't talk to strangers who come up to her or speak to her first. I'm fine with it. Mostly I give the "she doesn't care to talk right now" response. It's completely true and she isn't shy. She will often start conversations with the checkout person at the store, or other random people. She's just not comfortable with strangers initiating conversation.