How do you make/keep a peaceful,happy home?

[hildare]

I'm a FTM, and a WOHM. My DH takes DD to work with him, which is proving very difficult.
We're under a lot of strain as new parents, and this is hard. I just wondered how other mamas deal with crankiness, stress, and keeping an orderly, peaceful space. I'm not doing so well with speaking gently or responding to messiness and disorder, and we'd grooved so well until the baby joined us-- now we are growing to match snark for snark, contributed to by lack of sleep and occasional grump champion, our DD. How do you keep that warm fuzzy home atmosphere intact?
--posted in general parenting rather than life w/a babe to get advice that will last throughout our parenting years, hopefully

[honey-lilac]

Umm, I'm the wrong person to chime in, because I haven't yet figured it out. I try to keep the house as clean and uncluttered as possible (though I'm failing in that lately) and keep everyone fed and try to get as much rest myself as I can. Anything beyond that is just icing. Sometimes we have a stretch where things are very pleasant - we're baking a lot, we cook from scratch, we garden, we are all in a good mood - and then it falls apart for another stretch. It's never a given but you try to get as many good times as possible.

OK, I'm sure that wasn't very helpful.

[justKate]

I just wondered how other mamas deal with crankiness, stress, and keeping an orderly, peaceful space. I'm not doing so well with speaking gently or responding to messiness and disorder, and we'd grooved so well until the baby joined us-- now we are growing to match snark for snark, contributed to by lack of sleep and occasional grump champion, our DD. How do you keep that warm fuzzy home atmosphere intact?

For us, its a weekly visit from a housekeeper and the pizza delivery man.

This keeps the snarkiness down, because I am not so frustrated because the house is constantly dirty; gives me one night that I don't feel obligated to cook...or if I am running late, or forget to sit something out. This is probably not going to win me any parent/home keeper of the month awards, but it works for us.

We also start every day fresh and don't let the previous day hang over us or influnce our attitudes towards each other, and try to have tea every evening together after the baby goes to sleep. Even though sometimes we drink tea over our laptops or a tv show. Again, no parenting awards. We just try to do our best!

[MammaG]

Yeah, I too clicked on this thread hoping to find some magical solution that some super-Mamma out there had hit on! We go in cycles at our house too. One week everyone is co-operating, DH asks me how my day was and actually listens to the answer, baby sleeps soundly at night. Then the next week all hell breaks loose.

I think the best thing you can do is practice forgiveness. First forgive yourself for any behavior you do that you don't like (not to say that you oughtn't try fix it as you go, but let it go when you goof up). Then forgive the babe for making your day miserable and remind yourself that babe is really not out to get you. Then forgive DH for his blunders too. It's amazing what a difference it is to go to bed without grudges. I can't always do it, but when I do, everything seems much more bearable. And, lo, the contentedness of the Mamma DIRECTLY translates into the contentedness of everyone else. It's wierd how central we really are, isn't it?

Hope you manage to figure out what works for you, OP. It's tough.

[BarnMomma]

My DS did not STTN until 2. I was insane with fatigue and sleep deprivation.

I had to not only get a cleaning person once a week but also I have a babysitter come over fro a few hours a day. Most of the time I'm home and just take a breather to put my feet up a bit or take a real shower or read a book for a while. I was beyond burnt out.

It got better as DS became older. I also caved and began tossing on a mommy-approved movie in the afternoon for DS to wind down with. (we don't do live TV in front of DS)

I find that the more time we all spend outdoors the better we all are.

AS for myself and DH, we have to be in separate bedrooms becasue DH snores and after 2 years of poor sleep I can't handle being woken up all night. Back in the day when I could sleep whenever and as deeply as I wanted, I could easily sleep through it. Now? I'm trained to wake when DS stirrs (DS sleeps with us, or me) so I wake easily. It's not ideal but right now it's what works best because mommy doesn't start the day like a pissed off wolverine.

I also had to say goodbye to some things. I let go of my need to have nice clohtes. Target and Gap have replaced Theory and Nordstrom. What's the point? I do arts and crafts and bake and play with my son all day. Target makes sense. And I'm OK with that. I also no longer get haircuts from super fancy stylists who shape my hair into a work of art that requires constant upkeep and styling. And I'm OK with that. Manicures? Rarely, if ever.

I'm a mom now. I'm not a go go go single working woman with a hot social life any longer who needs to have it together 24/7. I'm married with a son and a baby on the way.

It takes some getting used to.

[mamaluvs]

First, congrats on the new baby! Those first few months, heck the first year can be really challenging for everyone. Be forgiving of yourselves, it will get better and easier. Easier said than done, I know.

Here's some things that help our family:
We don't have a dishwasher so when we are really tired we use paper plates, etc despite the added expense and waste.

Sometimes, we just have to order pizza or some other delivery type food.

I stopped folding laundry regularly. I'm just happy we have clean clothes and we often just take what we need out of the basket.

Our to do lists are much shorter now. We used to write big lists of things to get done over the weekend. Once we lowered our expectations of what we could reasonably get done, DH and I were both much happier.

Try to spend a little alone time with DH. If you aren't ready to leave your baby yet, can someone come over and watch her while you two dine alone in the kitchen or something? Sometimes just an hour or so with my Dh is enough to get us back on track.

[berry987]

As some of the others have said, the first few months with a baby are tiring and stressful no matter what you do. So give yourself a break - the parents who have calm, peaceful homes, don't have 3 month olds! Right now, just focus on getting sleep, eating well, and not biting off your DH's head. Things will really lighten up in about 4 months (at least it did for me with all three of my kids - they're 5, 3 and 1 now) and you'll have a bit more energy for creating the home life you want to move forward with.

That said, I found a book called "Simplicity Parenting" by Kim John Payne to be amazingly eye-opening for me. It's about slowing down, streamlining, and creating the life you want for your family. It's a great book, IMO. Especially helpful when your child gets a little older and you suddenly find yourself juggling too much, stressing constantly, and fantasizing about chucking it all to move to the Caribbean and live in a beach shack

ETA: I just want to add that nights out with your DH, if possible are ESSENTIAL. When we start to get cranky with each other, usually it means we haven't had a chance to play grownups in awhile!

[starlein26]

This is all very new for you both, and you're having to fit this new role (that of parents) into your schema of self (who you think you are). Questions that arise at this time: Who am I now that I'm a mother/father? What does it change about me? What does it not change?

These questions and many others (whether asked or subconscious) will be answered over the next few years as a new schema of self emerges. Until then, things will be weird and feel weird. The way some people respond to this time of transition is with increased anger. It's important to remember that you're processing a LOT. Be gentle on yourselves.

[confustication]

I'm just seeing the light at the end of the tunnel to begin to recreate that now, and my youngest is five months old. The first few months are really hard, and it's ok for things to be a bit chaotic. As the baby grows and is less 'high maintenance' you'll find yourself and your healthy relationship again.

[verde]

If you want a HAPPY home, then change your standards i.e. lower them. You will never have the same level of cleanliness and non-clutteriness again. Kids equal clutter. IMHO, the price of having a neat home is to have a stressed home because the only way to keep it neat is to obsess and become cranky. I'm sure there are some exceptions out there but honestly, for most people, I think you just have to accept that having a neat home will not happen until the kids are older, much older.

[staceychev]

I'm wondering if there are any other options for your DH than taking the baby to work with him. That's got to add to his stress exponentially, which would of course put a great strain on your relationship.

I think one of the best things you can do is to make sure that you TALK about what you're going through with DH, and that you both make an effort to hear each other and try to come up with solutions (do this when you're not in full on snark mode ). It's really easy to have a good groove when it's just the two of you, but it takes work and effort on the relationship when it goes through growing pains--and the first baby is an insanely difficult growing pain!

Also, I'd tell you to never underestimate the power of a series of small solutions. For example, once I could wear my daughter on my back in a mei tai, life got a lot easier. I could clean and cook and work while she slept peacefully on my back. Not a huge deal to implement, but the ramifications were immense.

[Sweetiemommy]

I just try to be loving, despite whatever is going on, for example if I left a disgusting breakfast dish on the counter for two days, would I want dh to be a jerk about it? Likewise, I try not to be a jerk if he does something that annoys me. I know we are both trying hard and working our butts off, so the major thing I have learned is to cut each other some slack.

[Sweetiemommy]

After posting I saw this on a yahoo article, dumb source, but good advice in general:

1. Avoid complacency. Don't ever take your relationship for granted. Partnerships need to be nourished daily by a kind word, appreciation, a loving kiss, a smile. Complacency is a warning signal that you and your partner are out of touch with each other.
2. Keep the lines of communication open. Don't sweep issues under the rug. They won't go away! Learn ways to resolve differences so that recurring arguments don't continue.
3. Pay attention to your gut. If you're feeling something isn't quite right in your relationship, 99 percent of the time you're correct. Find a way to approach your partner to talk about things. Keep your relationship current by checking in on a weekly basis to make sure problems aren't building up.
4. Find time for each other. Don't get so busy that you forget to have a date with your partner. Make time away from chores and work to renew your loving feelings. Remember how important your mate is to you. Tell them, by making time for them.
5. Know when it's a time of stress and pay attention to your partner even more. Some common trigger times for extra stress in a relationship are job changes, health problems, changes in finances, and the death of a family member or friend. During these stressful periods, pay extra attention to your relationship. Let your partner know you're there, and make even more time to connect with each other.
6. Understand the real issues in your relationship. Learn tools for resolving arguments. Avoid blaming, shaming, and the need to always be right in an argument. Learn what you're really fighting about so that you can resolve your issues. If you're fighting about the wrong thing, you'll never resolve arguments.
7. Always remember what it was that made you fall in love with your partner. Too often we allow our disagreements to cloud our love for our significant other, and we forgot why we even fell in love! Keep your sense of humor. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt and don't make them your enemy.

[cparkly]

I agree with all previous comments and just want to add one thing:

Make time for sex.

No, really. We find that when things become a little bit strained between us it is often because we have not had loving in too long. Everyone is different, but most of us need that level of intimacy with our mates. It can help to keep that rosy glow about things. It is not as spontaneous as it once was, but that is ok. The joys that come from sex help smooth over all kinds of other, small irritations that I may have with DP.

[ps4624]

I have let go of my expectations for order - if the baby is happy and unharmed, we're doing good.

As far as not being snarky, there are some days that are easier than others. I try and keep a mental list of all that my DH does for our family - he works full time, he's the absolute best daddy he can be, he eats the leftovers that I don't want, he takes out the trash, and he puts up with me. I try and tell him often how much I appreciate him. That way, when I'm deliriously tired and nipping at his heels, he cuts me slack.

It will get better, mama. I'm starting to feel like the first year fog is lifting and I can see the sky again. You'll get there, too.

[hildare]

Good advice, mamas! Keep it coming. <3

[honey-lilac]

Originally Posted by BarnMomma

I also had to say goodbye to some things. I let go of my need to have nice clohtes. Target and Gap have replaced Theory and Nordstrom. What's the point? I do arts and crafts and bake and play with my son all day. Target makes sense. And I'm OK with that. I also no longer get haircuts from super fancy stylists who shape my hair into a work of art that requires constant upkeep and styling. And I'm OK with that. Manicures? Rarely, if ever.

I'm not quite sure I understand. Was having nice clothes and manicures a stressful expectation? I *love* treating myself to nice things and luxuries. (Not like I get the chance to do it all the time.) It *reduces* my stress level to do my nails or my hair. If I had the chance to go buy clothes or get a spa day (haven't had the money in years) you bet I would. The point, since you asked, is because it makes ME feel like MORE than "Just" a mommy - it makes me feel good about myself. When MY self-esteem, confidence, and self-love is all high, then I'm a better mother and things are more peaceful. If I find myself giving up things that I like, I start to feel (gulp) resentful of the kids. I try to treat myself as much as I can to whatever I can. I give up a lot to mother my children, drat if I'm going to give up nice nails too.

Then again I also shop at the thrift store once every few years, that's what my budget allows - to me, Gap would be considered a luxury.

ETA: When I had a newborn, I did let go of lots of things through necessity - but when I was able to take even a little bit of time for myself (around when DS was 9 months and started going to sleep without me next to him) I really dug that "me" time and I've never stopped making time. Even if it's just a cup of hot chocolate in the morning or some MDC time, or putting them in their rooms for a little bit so I can fold a load of laundry in peace... sometimes I need mini breaks from the kids throughout the day - 5 mins here, 5 mins there - to regroup and calm my breathing.

[nina_yyc]

Still trying to achieve a happy and peaceful home but just wanted to throw out a bit of advice I am trying to implement - expect a lot from your kids. DD is 3yo but from what I have seen over the last two months she has the capability to be a real contributor to the family, not just a crazy-making toddler. Life has changed so much since I stopped lecturing and nagging. We are really working on dropping the power struggles and problem solving together. I hope I can avoid the same mistakes with DS...although I'm sure I will make different ones.

[berry987]

Just want to second a couple of things other people have said --

*make time for sex -- it may not be high on your list, but it probably is on your DHs and doing it reminds you that it really should be on your list too.

*as your child gets older, pass some responsibilities to them. I woke up one day and realized my kids were capable of a lot and I wasn't having them do much. So now they clear their own plates, clean up their toys (this is a BIG one...now when they make a giant fort in my living room, they CLEAN it up!), brush their own teeth, pick out their own clothes and get themselves dressed...that's just a few (they just turned 5 and 3). I have to remind them to do these things, of course, but once I let go of having those things done perfectly, they learned to manage quite well. And it really does add up to taking a load off of me and DH!