Working fathers and PhDs: a rant on my husband's behalf

[Birdie B.]

I'm not sure if this is ok to post here, because I am a SAHM, but my husband is a working parent. I need to vent about his work situation, specifically his co-workers. Maybe some of you have some insight...

My husband is a mathematician, working on his PhD. He is in the final revision stages and will hopefully graduate this semster. He has been working full-time at a research center for math and science education for about a year and a half. He is in charge of getting grants, organizing and running several programs, and conducting research. His main project involves a lot of travel around the state, visiting different schools and working with teachers, students and principals. He loves it.

But it's a hard job, lots of travel, high stress, deadlines, and his ever-present dissertation. The problem lately is his co-workers not doing enough. They turn things in late, don't do their share, and basically dump everything on him, because they know he will be the one to finish up. He's also the only male. Until recently, that wasn't an issue, but what he told me about a scheduling meeting yesterday is making me so angry!

They are scheduling travel dates for some upcoming projects, and around the table his co-workers are giving excuses left and right about why they can't go. They're all too busy (even though none of them has as much to do as my husband), they can't travel, blah blah. One woman points out that another woman can't be expected to go because she has to work on her PhD! As if my husband doesn't?! When he points out that he has his own PhD to work on, the woman says, well she's a mom! Hello?! My husband is a dad, doesn't that count for anything? We have a 16 month old and I SAH, this woman has a 10 year old, and her husband is a SAHD.

So tell me, especially if you're a mama in academia: is it right to excpect a man to do more work, travel more and be away from his family more, just because he's a dad? Is this common? Is it fair?

[mammastar2]

Not in academia, but I understand where you are coming from. The system has been so slow to change to recognize the family-related needs of mothers, but it's even further behind when it comes to men who want to be involved parents.

Children need both their parents, and while it's a step in the right direction to accommodate women's needs around their children, it doesn't do either gender a favour to act like accommodation of family relationships is just some special perk (or handicap!) of being a working mom.

[Carita]

I think men are held to a higher standard that way... But I come from a male dominated dept & women are expected to travel as much as the men, etc. So it goes both ways. I can see young kids with nursing and everything why women get some more slack, but I think they are just taking advantage of your DH. I don't think this has anything to do with anyting except that they know he won't say NO.

My Dh has had to learn a lot this year about how to say NO. Its been a very difficult year, but this semester he has exercised his NO ability and even though some of his coworkers aren't happy, HE is much happier!

[Ellien C]

That really stinks for your DH and I too think it is unfair.

I think it's really important to set boundaries and decide what's important to you, even if that means your career will take a back seat. Not in academia, but I once worked with a guy getting a PhD in neuroscience, and he was a good bit older than the rest of the people in his program. He was also very different and I liked him a lot. Over beers one Friday afternoon (at the philosophy, neuroscience and psychology club meeting) I asked him about being so different. He told me something I'll never forget

"I want to be the BEST neuroscientist that a husband and father can be." He knew that he was NOT going to compete with his younger, single counterparts and he was OK with that.

My own DH will be taking 8 weeks unpaid paternity leave after I return for work. It's not really great for his career but it's good for our family and a compromise we are both willing to make.

What would happen if your DH said No to the travel and pleading PhD commitments as well?

[sapphire_chan]

Pretty sad for the other PhD candidate that her sahp isn't competent to handle their 10 year old while she goes on some business trips.

Doesn't answer the question of why the other people in the dept who aren't working on degrees aren't going on these trips instead.

[plunky]

My wife and I both work, but you have a tough row to hoe here. My coworkers who have SAH-wives all deliberately articulate that that makes them very strong workers, simply because they do have a lot more mobility, availability, and so on vs a parent who has to share the burden equally.

For instance, my DD is in daycare. She gets sick every once in awhile. My wife stays home more often than I do (for nursing), but sometimes we trade off. My friends with a SAHP will not do this. They do not miss work. Period.

So tell me, especially if you're a mama in academia: is it right to excpect a man to do more work, travel more and be away from his family more, just because he's a dad? Is this common? Is it fair?

So I guess to answer this question...it depends who you're comparing your DH to. Compared to a single mom? Or two working parents? Yeah, he'd be able to travel more. And he should get paid more because of it. Or have a better job in other ways.

I think "Is it fair?" is an odd question, but that might be because I work in a business environment, not a school. If his co-workers are his equals, then no, it's not fair. But your post implied that he was in charge, so I'd argue that that would come with greater responsibility. Even if he's not in charge, it could still be "fair" if he wins in the end by getting recommendations or other recognition from his instructors.

I guess I would make sure that he's taking credit for the work he does, and not supporting slackers.

[Birdie B.]

Thanks everyone for replying! I needed to blow off some steam; that comment was just getting under my skin. My husband was hurt by it, too. He said it felt like a slap in the face. He's a really involved father, and it's hard on him to be away so much.

Anyway, I know that asking "is it fair" is a moot point. Life is rarely fair! And he does need to learn to say no to more responsibilities; after all, his coworkers don't seem to have any issues with turning down work. He's going to have a meeting with the boss to get his workload down to a more reasonable level, and his dissertation is almost done. The light at the end of the tunnel! So things will be better soon. Thanks for listening!

[sapphire_chan]

He should make it a choice for his employer of giving him more money or less responsibility. :

[Geofizz]

Originally Posted by Ellien C

Over beers one Friday afternoon (at the philosophy, neuroscience and psychology club meeting) I asked him about being so different. He told me something I'll never forget

"I want to be the BEST neuroscientist that a husband and father can be." He knew that he was NOT going to compete with his younger, single counterparts and he was OK with that.

While I appreciate the sentiment, if I were to say the same thing out loud-- "I want to be the best geophysicist that a wife and mother can be" -- I wouldn't make tenure. Not because of my productivity, but because faculty would vote against me because I wasn't dedicated to my career. It's a major perception issue that persists greatly to a very basic level, particularly in the STEM fields.

OP, sounds frustrating, and a dynamic that appears to crop up in any work situation. I'm not familiar with it in academia myself. In my case, I travel for my own research program. I cannot send someone in my place. As a result, I spent several years going to significantly fewer conferences and data collection trips that I should have. The only minor exception might be sending students in my place, but I cannot do that until they are very far along in their program.

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 1/11/11 at 10:13am