WWYD-Candy from a stranger?

[carfreemama]

Today dd and I were on our weekly lunch date at the local diner. Dd was admittedly being pretty cute and it's a pretty friendly, loose-boundary place. A gentleman we'd never met asked if dd was "being good." I answered "she's always good." Whatever, we don't talk like that; but no biggie. So he fished around in his jacket for something to give her and produced a snack-size chocolate bar.

Dd looked at me and asked if she was allowed to have it. I hedged and said I'd keep it for her until we could brush her teeth, thinking I'd run up to the corner store later and replace it. Then I'd buy myself time to think about what kind of "talk" to have with her, if any!

I'm not at all offended by this gentleman's offer. It was just his way of trying to give something to my daughter. We don't practice "stranger danger;" we're both very outgoing and talk to strangers all the time. And we live in Nova Scotia! But I'm not really comfortable with dd taking "candy from strangers," not least because his pockets didn't look all that clean! And I certainly don't want her thinking she can accept food from people she doesn't know. But she asked permission and readily accepted my answer, which is great.

I don't think there's anything sketchy about this guy, no radar going off. But I know I should use this as a teaching opportunity. FWIW, not thrilled about the candy, but it's a little bar and this hasn't happened very often. Just not sure what I should be doing around this sort of issue.

Any advice?

[Llyra]

I think the most telling point is

Dd looked at me and asked if she was allowed to have it.

I think that's all you really need to discuss-- don't take things from strangers without me knowing about it and saying it's okay.

[One_Girl]

I let my dd talk to strangers as long as she is with me. I also let her accept things from people if they are set on giving her things, but if it is food I generally pocket it and lose it or replace it with something else unless it is something that can't be tampered with.

[gbailey]

Personally, I wouldn't allow a stranger to give DD a piece of candy or anything else but it seems like you handled the situation well for how you deal with things with your DC. I think it's great she looked at you for assurance on what to do.

[pauletoy]

Sounds like you are already doing a great job. I would replace the candy and explain to dd why you replaced it.

[carfreemama]

Okay, so I don't have to make this into The Big Talk? Thank goodness!

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I'd say, "thank you" and let DD eat the candy.

I dunno... do strangers really try to poison children or seduce them or whatever with candy? I was starting to think that was mainly an urban myth. I guess it COULD happen.

I had to take a class on "grooming" behavior for work with my mental health clients... I don't think grooming really starts with candy being offered by a stranger. The behavior is rather complex and nearly impossible for a child to defend against, and almost never begins with perfect strangers.

[lonegirl]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

I'd say, "thank you" and let DD eat the candy.
I dunno... do strangers really try to poison children or seduce them or whatever with candy? I was starting to think that was mainly an urban myth. I guess it COULD happen.

I had to take a class on "grooming" behavior for work with my mental health clients... I don't think grooming really starts with candy being offered by a stranger. The behavior is rather complex and nearly impossible for a child to defend against, and almost never begins with perfect strangers.

Wheh! I am glad I am not the only one in this camp

[karemore]

Sounds like you handled it beautifully. If you talk about it again, I'd just reinforce that she did the right thing by checking with you first.

I don't do the whole stranger danger thing with my DD either (she almost 5).

What I do say, and this may sound weird, is that people are like dogs. She knows to always check with the owner before making friends with a new dog. We talk about how you can't always tell by looking at a dog if it's friendly and safe.

People are the same way. You can't always tell by looking at a person if they are friendly or not, so always check with mom (or dad) if we don't know someone.

[meemee]

i NEVER made the distinction between known and stranger. EVER.

she was always supposed to ask me - no matter WHO offered it. the decision to eat was then based on nutrition, not stranger.

so what your dd was perfectly right on.

one time a homeless lady offered dd some candy after asking me if it was ok and i said yes. she was filthy and the candy looked filthy. i had my dd look at the wrapper and asked her if it was clean enough to eat it. and dd made the decision no. we talked about it and we both felt we had done the right thing by accepting and making a lonely woman happy even though the candy wasnt clean enough. on the other hand a complete stranger was eating skittles and we were walking in the same direction and he offered dd some pieces. i let dd have them.

[Sweetiemommy]

My issue would be more about eating candy than accepting it from a stranger. My kids have learned to accept gifts of candy (like at a birthday party or on valentine's day) by saying thank you and taking it home to throw away. We keep a variety of healthy treats at our house and our kids know that the other stuff is gross. For example, they prefer dark chocolate to a hershey's kiss and they don't like any of the sugar candies. We've talked a lot about what foods are natural and what are made with chemicals by scientists. So they are really good about it. They are 5 and 3, by the way, I'm sure they will make their own decisions about candy when they get older that may not be so healthy, but I expect them to do that in a variety of areas, so I'm not too worried about it.

[Jessy1019]

Originally Posted by lonegirl

Wheh! I am glad I am not the only one in this camp

Me three! As long as it was wrapped up (ie: not chocolate covered in pocket lint), I'd tell my kid that s/he was right to ask, and let him/her eat the candy.

[carfreemama]

Thanks, everybody! She did ask about the chocolate bar when she came home from her grandparents' last night. I offered her a dark chocolate heart from Valentine's instead, which was fine with her. I also told her how the gentleman who gave her the candy was just looking for something to give her, because that was his way of saying "hi." I also told her again that I was glad she had asked me first and that it really was probably okay, I just wasn't entirely comfortable because I didn't know where the candy had been. I left the whole "stranger" thing alone, except to tell her never to accept anything from an adult we haven't specifically identified, without our permission. Really, I'm very close to being on the side of those who would just let her have it; I'm not really all that concerned about tampering or anything.

I like the idea of explaining, at some point, how you can't tell just from looking at someone if they're friendly. I really haven't done a lot to street-smart her, per se. Probably time to read The Gift; from what I understand, it's likely a good fit for our family.

[~Sarah~]

Originally Posted by carfreemama

Probably time to read The Gift; from what I understand, it's likely a good fit for our family.

I highly encourage this. You might look at that kind of situation a little differently afterwards. Maybe not---only you know the vibe you got or didn't get, and it's impossible for us to judge without having been in the situation. But the behavior is a great opportunity to teach her how people try to gain our trust----for both good and bad reasons.

As an aside, I think it's *always* time to have "that talk." The talk should be an ongoing conversation well into her teens and even adulthood, maybe. We can all benefit, at all times, from discussing these kinds of situations.

And as another aside, YES---predators use candy to lure children. And they use lost puppies, and their own children, and anything else they can. Just because "candy from a stranger" is cliched, doesn't mean it doesn't happen and isn't highly effective. *Poisoning* kids with candy? Rare. *Luring* with candy? All the time. Especially when it's NOT a stranger. So maybe a good convo for your daughter over this one would be "just because someone does something for you, like gives you candy, does not mean you have to do anything for them, at all, and it doesn't mean you should trust them just because they were nice."

[lilyka]

i would let her take it...I take candy from old men all the time.... gees, I would probably ask ddi f I could have bite

the most important thing is that she asked you first.