Help me lose the guilt...I want slow down w/ the nursing.

[Laur318]

Let me start by saying I am an overly loving, eager to please attached mommy, nanny (many babies), doula, and potential midwifery student. I love babies, birth, parenting and all that comes with it. I do it all naturally and don't bat a lash. I feel blessed to "know how" to support moms and raise babies (kids). I have great intuition and knowledge so I was able to nurse my son pretty much immediately, Ive helped other moms get it down and I have no issues with the 'mechanics' of it.... it's the emotions, I am embarrassed by this. I thought he would be an extended nurser...but not like this. I still CAN see us continuing to nurse 1-2x a day selectively, not required, until at least 2 if he wants to.

I LOVE breastfeeding half the time. I am starting to dread it more and more though. I love the moments where we quietly retreat to our own feeding sessions in a relaxing place. I love rocking him like the baby he really is, if only while nursing he is my baby. I love that it solidifies our blood relationship, which i need to be reminded of more often because he looks like a clone of his dad, is a Jr, we don't have the same last name, etc, but we do have the same blood type and i think personality is similar. complete strangers will say, "wow, that baby looks NOTHING like you!" "He must look a LOT like his dad" "his skin is soooo dark!" and the kid is gorgeous, so, ouch. Anyway, I am over the moon for him, love him to death, i would kill for him, and I love him as my own, more than the children I have nannied from birth on up but i still felt this deep bond with those kids. I adore my son (what kind of mom would i be otherwise??) but it feels like I gave birth to my husband's son amd I am alone to raise him. I know this sounds weird, because he came from me, he is part of me!!! but i mention is b/c nursing gives me the biological reminder and connection, showing that I did give him life and that he has my genetics too.
I love when we are so tired from playing a lot, we can cuddle up to nap and nurse. I love that if my son is upset or isn't feeling well nursing can fix it sometimes. I dislike when i HAVE to do such things to help him calm down. But my son is so clingy and sort of acts as though they are "his" breasts and he needs to be entitled to suing them whenever he wants. He is tough to deal with in public even though I am not shy of the world seeing us (my boobs), i do cover sometimes, but he draws attention doing other things. Slapping, hitting my chest (or the other breast) He will attempt to unbutton my shirt and will reach his hand inside my shirts, even while nursing on one side, just to touch the other nipple. I remove his hand and tell him "nipples are for feeding, not playing" or "mommy likes nipples left alone", but I he doesn't get it, he will keep trying to touch and I feel that i must wear rigid clothes to obstruct him. he normally respects authority and requests for being gentle or simply "Stop", but it takes a LOT Of effort with nursing quirks.

Another example is the 3 of us snuggling close, laying on our backs on the bed. my husband rests his head (not face)on my upper chest and i stroke both of their hair. DS is not / was not nursing, and i am fully clothed, my son will push my DH's head off my chest forcefully, yet he doesnt even want to be there himself. he doesnt like my DH to hug me if he is nursing or in any way touch my chest, like to unhook my nursing bra clips or take off my sweater. they have a great relationship but the baby would prefer if i went to him in the middle of the night, i assume it is the breastfeeding he wants immediately. sometimes he will cry very hard at DH greeting him in the middle of the night.

he goes to bed at 7-8 and sometimes DH is able to put him down without nursing and i love that it is easy and there are no tears. other nights he cant settle down at all without nursing. we don't even have to nurse to sleep all the time, he nurses till he's full and then i rub his back. and i am waking up at 12:00, 4:00 and 6:30-and then usually he will nurse and sleep with me for half and hour/hour.
my DH is gone for work 3-4 nights a week and it has been every other week so i dont know about coming to my son in the middle of the night with h2o instead of breastfeeding.
i do realize it is not a NEED to nurse in the middle of the night but i have yet to find a gentle way to quit whipping out the boob 4 times a night. once would be ideal because i dont wish to deprive him. can i at least cut out the 6:30 AM one by putting him to bed later (and shfting all the feedings up, so i would do the 12:00 at 1 and the 4:00 at 5:00)????

I want to go away overnight someday soon (no flames, i dislike when people say that moms shouldn't have babies if they are an inconvenience - but that's not it, i don't party or intend to do it often). Here's why- my husband and I got married young, while PG and we never celebrated properly (actually, we got married at home, alone and that was it) and the same for my 21st birthday. I know it's REALLY not a big deal, but my 22nd is around the corner and I want to have fun and just play the role of YOUNG WOMAN instead MOM for one night out. I intended to nurse my child until he was ready to wean, so i assumed around age 2 i would start to encourage nursing less and never refuse, of course. so how can I get nursing to be less of a "must do" and more of a "we like to do it"? can this be done without pumping/formula/cow's milk? i would prefer pumping though. also my son is not OK with taking a bottle but would do a sippy cup, and i think that would help so i don't have to physically be there with him, but wouldn't he miss the mommy's touch that helps him sleep and go back to sleep?

[pbjmama]

It sounds like you are overwhelmed and dealing with alot of issues. This is normal and part of being a mom. Give your self permission to need support. You have knowledge and support other women, that doesn't mean you shouldn't need help too. You have many roles in life and only one is mother. It sounds like you have alot of ideals in mind and you may need to tweak those to fit your family.

I see he is under 2 but you don't say what age specifically that I could find. Any baby under 2 is alot of work. If you wanted to respond to people who comment on your baby looking like his dad you could say something along the lines of, looks like his dad, acts like his mom! Or whatever works for you. Even just hearing it from your lips could make a difference.

I adore my son (what kind of mom would i be otherwise??) but it feels like I gave birth to my husband's son amd I am alone to raise him.

Two things here - if you didn't adore your son all the time you would be a normal mom! Listen, I love my kids but sometimes they make me bonkers. Sometimes if I have to spend 1 more hour with them I might go crazy! Occasionally the moment my husband gets home I run out the door yelling 'they are your problem now' so I can have a moment of peace with my own body and mind! And, can you ask your husband and other family or friends to give you more support? Take some time for youself?

I dislike when i HAVE to do such things to help him calm down. But my son is so clingy and sort of acts as though they are "his" breasts and he needs to be entitled to suing them whenever he wants. Slapping, hitting my chest (or the other breast) He will attempt to unbutton my shirt and will reach his hand inside my shirts, even while nursing on one side, just to touch the other nipple. I remove his hand and tell him "nipples are for feeding, not playing" or "mommy likes nipples left alone", but I he doesn't get it, he will keep trying to touch and I feel that i must wear rigid clothes to obstruct him. he normally respects authority and requests for being gentle or simply "Stop", but it takes a LOT Of effort with nursing quirks.

This is a developmental stage, egocentric. It is a hard one. Right now he believes the world revolves around him. He is learning where his body and rights end and where yours begin. You can set limits. You will not be depriving him by setting limits. You will be helping him to learn about relationships and boundaries.

Another example is the 3 of us snuggling close, laying on our backs on the bed. my husband rests his head (not face)on my upper chest and i stroke both of their hair. DS is not / was not nursing, and i am fully clothed, my son will push my DH's head off my chest forcefully, yet he doesnt even want to be there himself. he doesnt like my DH to hug me if he is nursing or in any way touch my chest, like to unhook my nursing bra clips or take off my sweater. they have a great relationship but the baby would prefer if i went to him in the middle of the night, i assume it is the breastfeeding he wants immediately. sometimes he will cry very hard at DH greeting him in the middle of the night.
Again, developmental. He sees you as his primary care giver - all his. Both of my kids did this with dh and my youngest does this with her brother. She doesn't like him to touch me at all. But it isn't her choice! Her brother needs my physical attention too. Sometimes it makes her mad. Oh well!

can i at least cut out the 6:30 AM one by putting him to bed later (and shfting all the feedings up, so i would do the 12:00 at 1 and the 4:00 at 5:00)????
I think it is a great idea to try this! It sounds like you want to work towards night weaning and there are alot of good threads on here about that. It may involve some crying but that in itself does not mean you are not being gentle. Sometimes kids cry. It is hard for moms. Crying can be a way of coping. You will be there with him and you will both make it through.

I want to go away overnight someday soon...I want to have fun and just play the role of YOUNG WOMAN instead MOM for one night out.

As long as you have someone you trust to care for your baby do it! You have my permission! Go, have fun and don't stress about the baby. I recommend a few non-overnight trials before to help baby and caregiver get the idea of what will happen and different distractions that may help.

so how can I get nursing to be less of a "must do" and more of a "we like to do it"? can this be done without pumping/formula/cow's milk? also my son is not OK with taking a bottle but would do a sippy cup, and i think that would help so i don't have to physically be there with him, but wouldn't he miss the mommy's touch that helps him sleep and go back to sleep?

It will happen naturally with time. You can encourage it by don't offer/don't refuse or other methods like distraction. Yes, it can be done with out milk substitutes. You may choose to offer water or another drink. He doesn't need a bottle or sippy, you could use an open cup or straw, whatever he drinks out of now. I assume you have introduced some sort of drink a meal times so you can use that at other times too. He may miss your touch but if you do it gradually he will learn.

Good luck mama!

[OTMomma]

It sounds like you have a wonderful son who is normal and happy and healthy, and its taking a lot out of you. Motherhood is exhausting. Remember that your son is growing up every day, and he may actually need to nurse as much as he does, even though you feel like he doesn't , he may. I really do know how you feel, I felt that way with my first. I ended up putting limits on nursing that we could both live with, limiting where and in front of whom we would nurse, even if it meant I took her to the car. We nursed a long time, because I made it something I could do, and just said no if it was what I needed to say.

He will get older and you will get through all of this.

[MountainMamaGC]

When my DD was about 18 months I started to dread most nursing sessions. I just didnt want to do it. So I took a stand. I picked 4 of her most important nursing sessions and said no every other time she asked. Her 4 were in the morning, before nap, after supper, and before bed. We were night weaned by this point. When she asked before it was time, i would say "Not until ____ time" I would distract her and sometimes I would just hold her while she expressed her discontent. For me it was either that or quit all together and 4 times a day is certainly better than none. After this I gradually cut one feeding at a time and she barely seemed to noticed. When I got down to twice a day she cut out one of the feedings on her own. We just have her bedtime feeding left. She asks for it, but she sucks for like 10 seconds and then doesnt want it anymore. She will be 2 on Saturday. I think I am going to cut the last feeding out after her birthday. My goal was 2 years and I made it. Its a bittersweet feeling to know we will be done, but for us it is time.

Your marriage is very important to your child. If you need to get away and reconnect for a night, there is nothing wrong with that. Dont let people make you feel guilty. I have left my child over night 3 times since she turned one and it was worth it. She was in good hands and she had a good time so what is the problem?

[Laur318]

SO much great advice, I have to thank you all

My son is coming up on 11 months.

Your marriage is very important to your child. If you need to get away and reconnect for a night, there is nothing wrong with that. Dont let people make you feel guilty. I have left my child over night 3 times since she turned one and it was worth it. She was in good hands and she had a good time so what is the problem?

I can't wait to do this! But how about when he wakes at night to nurse? He hates bottles.
Now we are down to one nursing session at night. so he goes 8-1 then 1:15-7.
one night, actually the day we moved into our new place, i simply did not go to baby when we woke, my husband did. normally ds would panic and scream till dh brought baby to me to nurse, but this night ds didnt put up a fight. my dh rocked him back to sleep and that was the end of the 4AM nursing, going on 5 nights now.
i can't believe that worked.
if i had gone to him i bet we'd still be nursing.