Mental sharpness and doing well in the work place - Page 6

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by CatsCradle

It's all really subjective. I don't have to travel and frankly, I don't think I would handle it very well if I had to do that. So, don't underestimate your personal stressors!

Thanks. Yes, travel is my nemesis. So is a sick child. I always take the day off when our child is sick. It's always me. Always.

So, yeah, quite honestly, I would say my main stressors at work are 1) travel 2) being prepared for presentations and meetings 3) having a sick child and having to take off work unexpectedly, then catch up at work 4) my period. I've had the combination of at least three of those things simultaneously, and that is usually when I start thinking I'm stupid for not quitting and calculating how little I really make after all expenses, etc. But I keep going for some reason, mainly because I really do need to.

[mambera]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

So, help me. How do you react if your H flubs things - either deliberately to speed things up so he doesn't have to be sweeping or cleaning for that long of a time, or unintentionally because he really doesn't know how to sweep and hasn't listened to you or learned in over 10 years of marriage? It's so frustrating...

Do I just say, thanks for sweeping, honey? And nicely overlook how he does everything? I truly think it might be that he is so lazy he find the quickest and easiest way to do anything he doesn't give a care about, and sweeping is one of them.

Gosh, every time I read your posts I just feel sad for you, and as someone who hasn't been in your shoes I kind of doubt I can give you constructive advice.

My way of dealing with chores like this is:
If I want X done and he doesn't care about X, I do it.
If he wants Y done and I don't care about Y, he does it.
If I am doing Z and he doesn't like my method, well then he can do Z and make sure Z gets done the way he likes it. I can do it or he can do it, but he can't stand there and tell me I'm doing it wrong. And vice versa.

So yeah, if it were me in the sweeping situation I'd probably either say 'thanks honey' or 'never mind, I'll do it myself.' But this works OK for us bc my DH is pretty good about domestic stuff generally. He has a higher threshold for clutter than I do but it's not a huge issue. And we have cleaning ladies once a month, which has been huge. I don't know how I'd feel if DH were less of a domestic contributor or if he balked at hiring the cleaning ladies.

At first, I said something like please don't sweep that way, it spreads the dirt and particles across longer distances and into the air so it's not really cleaning it's just spreading it around. Sweep in smaller brushes and direct it toward the dust pan or a pile, then pick it up with the dust pan. And DH says, it doesn't matter how you sweep as long as you do it. Sweeping is sweeping, and continued to argue about the angles and efficiencies of his sweeping and why the trajectory was this or that. I get so frustrated. This is so classic of how he operates and our exchanges. I can't tell. Is he not listening and doing these things because of his linear thinking very techocratic brain, or because he really does have Asperger's as I've continued to suspect as a possibility all these years, or because he really just wants to bug me and be a jerk, or because he really thinks his way to do it is the best way even if it's counter to how I've seen anyone else sweep, how a housekeeper would sweep upon hire, or how they demonstrate sweeping in broom/mop commercials.

From what you say, I would guess that he felt he was genuinely helping you and deserved gratitude, but instead found himself criticized. (Perhaps it didn't occur to him that his method as inefficient, or he didn't see the quality of the job as important.) He then felt defensive and started to talk about angles and trajectories as a defense against criticism.

Not saying it's right. Just that that's how your scene reads to me.

Again,

[lolar2]

TIN, do you know many adults who have Asperger's? Or have you watched interviews with people who have it, on video or live? Because I know a bunch of adults with Asperger's and they are all a lot nicer than you describe your husband. My cousin's husband has Asperger's and their marriage happens to be quite rocky, but he never calls her names. Another man I know memorized Emily Post so that he could relate to people better. It's obviously possible to have Asperger's and be a UAV, but at least in my anecdotal experience, I've never known one to cause the other.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by mambera

From what you say, I would guess that he felt he was genuinely helping you and deserved gratitude, but instead found himself criticized. (Perhaps it didn't occur to him that his method as inefficient, or he didn't see the quality of the job as important.) He then felt defensive and started to talk about angles and trajectories as a defense against criticism.

Thank you.

I have two theories. The first is what you said above. DH thought he was doing a good enough job and felt criticized and defensive.

The second is that he does sweeping, or whatever the chore/task/errand is, the way he does it to irritate me (because we've talked about this before) and to get out of doing the job so I won't ask him again.

I would be inclined to believe the first if we were still newlyweds or young householders still. We're not. We've been married coming up on 15 years! We've been over this again and again and again.

Also, it's not that DH is sweeping just in his own way. He was actually lofting the dirt, pieces of food, and dust particles into the air with long brush strokes to avoid having to sweep with more strokes. He thinks this is efficient because it takes less time and he has to touch less floor space with the broom. To me, it just seems like another extension of his laziness, his idea that anything that he does he is doing for me as a favor (because then I don't have to do it), and that housework is generally a pain in the a@@ to him and he'd rather move on as quickly as possible to something he really wants to do. He finished the sweeping quickly, turned on the tv, and sat (his favorite thing to do - relax in front of the tv).

Also, I've never seen anyone in a Swiffer or other commercial sweep in this way. I once sat my husband down in front of a Martha Stewart show that was going over laundry. This is a different topic, but the same theme. DH is terrible with laundry. Doesn't sort it, doesn't clean out pockets, forgets where pockets are and overlooks things in them, over loads the washer all the time. And he thinks it's me being picky. So I sat him down and made him watch Martha describe how laundry should be sorted, zippered, unfolded, and loaded into the washing machine without overloading. At least it showed him that other people do it "my way." And his response was, of course Martha Stewart would do it that way, that doesn't mean there aren't other ways to do it (this is the Asperger's kind of response I always get - of course most people do it this way, but you could do it this way too).

His mother never made him do any chores, and his father confided in me that he felt this had been a mistake in the way they raised DH. I think DH uses the tactics he used with his parents on me. He whines, reasons, or does sloppy work to get out of doing it again or doing more.

Whatever the reason, I hate that I can't ask him to pick up the broom and sweep the darn kitchen / eating area in 10 minutes and not make a bigger mess than when he started. He's in his mid-30s! He is opposed to hiring a housekeeper because we can do it and because, really, it would be an expense we really couldn't afford.

DH thinks I'm too picky. He doesn't do things like lawn mowing / weeding very well and our yard consistently is the worst looking one in the neighborhood. His dad has come to our house and looked at the yard and said "DH, you missed a spot, here and here and here." So, it's not just me.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by lolar2

TIN, do you know many adults who have Asperger's? Or have you watched interviews with people who have it, on video or live? Because I know a bunch of adults with Asperger's and they are all a lot nicer than you describe your husband. My cousin's husband has Asperger's and their marriage happens to be quite rocky, but he never calls her names. Another man I know memorized Emily Post so that he could relate to people better. It's obviously possible to have Asperger's and be a UAV, but at least in my anecdotal experience, I've never known one to cause the other.

I know two adults who are diagnosed - one male, one female. They have some things in common with DH and some things not. I wouldn't be able to draw any correlation by comparing them to DH because it's a spectrum.

I have done a lot of reading on the subject, and DH has multiple signs and symptoms. And I've described DH to two different therapists, each of whom thought he might, emphasize might, have Asperger's or have ADHD and hoarding tendancies.

[_ktg_]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

So, so true. Thank you for posting. I've worked and left enough jobs (not a lot but enough) to know they don't love you back. I've put in a lot of hard work and gotten no love back, I've put in a lot of hard work and gotten a raise or a resume builder out of it, but no love, that's for sure.

Then again, on the other side of the coin, my kid isn't going to pay my bills.

Your last point is so true! Though I secretly wish they could ... or pay their own bills already! playmobil - its like the male equivlent of shoes

I've thought more about the point I raised as many of us I think early in our careers (or at least I did) equated praise, added responsibilities, raises, acknowledgement of our achievements with "love" I use the quotes as its not love. I get it - its emotional sustsance at a level I get from my marriage, but not as often, so to receive it at work is ... addictive.

Its funny as I consider leaving a position which I will never get additional responsbility or self-ownership of a project (my boss who is .. well shoots himself in the foot a lot, is a horrid micro-manager, and doesn't delegate to save his life), I flucuate (sp?) between leaving & staying because I do get that praise on occasion, support from co-workers, but then again I just got "fired" from leading a project I was specifically brought onto do.

sorry for the ramble and the misspellings... I am only on my first cup of coffee today

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by _ktg_

Your last point is so true! Though I secretly wish they could ... or pay their own bills already! playmobil - its like the male equivlent of shoes

I've thought more about the point I raised as many of us I think early in our careers (or at least I did) equated praise, added responsibilities, raises, acknowledgement of our achievements with "love" I use the quotes as its not love. I get it - its emotional sustsance at a level I get from my marriage, but not as often, so to receive it at work is ... addictive.

Its funny as I consider leaving a position which I will never get additional responsbility or self-ownership of a project (my boss who is .. well shoots himself in the foot a lot, is a horrid micro-manager, and doesn't delegate to save his life), I flucuate (sp?) between leaving & staying because I do get that praise on occasion, support from co-workers, but then again I just got "fired" from leading a project I was specifically brought onto do.

sorry for the ramble and the misspellings... I am only on my first cup of coffee today

I certainly agree that the "love" (however defined - your definitions above of praise, raises, etc) at work is never going to measure the love of a child or for a child.

I'm not sure if I was seeking "love" in my career, either early on or at any point, or if I was seeking something more related to self. I liked knowing things. I liked learning things. I liked getting paid for knowing and learning things! How awesome is that, really? I mean, I used to go to school and study hard because I liked knowing things and learning things, but now, through work, I got paid on top of it! Awesome!

I think, for me, it was less about "love" and more about self-improvement, self-awareness, self-discovery, self-reinvention, and, to a very large extent, giving back. I have always worked in non-profit, government, public policy, research areas. I could have earned more in the private sector, and I did get a couple of job offers with higher salaries, but I stayed in the public sector because I really did feel it was important to give back and improve the public good. So, for me, working was a passion based on my beliefs and on my hope to improve the world. And I loved that. I still do.

But now the game has changed. I'm pulled in so many directions, and I just find it really stressful and really logistically challenging to balance that career (even on a "part time basis") and my role as a parent. And it's not like I'm choosing to be super parent. I'm talking about the most basic things. It's darn hard to balance career and family, even when you pare both down to the basics, and then there's the whole emotional side of paring down, you know?

[newbymom05]

I'm another SAHM who couldn't stay away from this thread. RE: BetsyS and her SAHM experience, mine is sort of the same. All my SAHMs have degrees, but their careers (if they had one) was teaching, and I think they went into teaching for the family-friendly nature of it, as I did.

OTOH, I know some SAHPs who have/tried to have careers. A colleague of mine's DH was the SAHP, and it pretty much derailed his professional career. He's a PhD's prof and was trying to get on a tenure track, but watching their children left him unable to research or publish so he's stuck in community college. He's the SAHP because he's better suited for it (according to my friend, his DW) and because they need her benefits/insurance.

My brother's DW has a PhD and over 70K of debt and she's the SAHP. She doesn't seem bitter--she's pregnant with #3--but she's complained that even 3 yrs out of her field has rendered her obsolete and she'll need a career change if/when she goes back to work. My DB works for the gov't and so has a very stable job w/ great benefits and it seems very family-friendly in terms of leave--he got 6 weeks off for paternity leave, for instance.

My BIL has his MA and is the SAHP. SIL has a demanding job w/ lots of travel. Even though their child is in school, he's still a F/T SAHP so SIL can focus on her job.

Another SIL works a P/T job that is really F/T. Her sister is just now trying to get a job after 20 yrs of SAHMing and can't even get an interview. WOHM SIL really hates her job stress-wise b/c of childcare responsibilities, but is so freaked out by her sister's job prospects she's afraid to quit. Oh, and her husband just got laid off, so it's a good thing she didn't.

One of DH's female bosses has a SAHH, all their kids are over 5, and he was a practicing atty pre-kids. She had the better career trajectory so he's the SAHP.

Sorry to ramble, I guess my point is people have all kinds of reasons to W/SAHP, but when young children are involved, it seems to boil down to income. I mean, who wouldn't take a guaranteed paid maternity year off if they could? And support. A SAHP to take control of household/child responsibilities helps the other's career, no doubt about it IMO. The families we know w/ dual high-powered careers also have nannies AND housekeepers AND babysitters--they're not sitting at work worried about who's picking up a sick child.

Personally, I could work and it would pay off re: childcare. So could most of my middle-class friends. For me, it's not worth the stress. And my DH is in full agreement--he has dual-income coworkers for whom a sick child or travel is a major negotiation with their spouse, whose work is more important, etc. Also, and speaking to the thread title, there is no way I"m a sharp as I was. I don't know how my DH does it (we have a nursing toddler and a preschooler), I'm not even on top of my game just sitting here at home on MDC. I find toddlerhood and/or nursing to be exhausting.

Sorry to ramble, this is a very interesting thread. And TiN, I've also followed your posts--I hope you get some resolution to your problems. You seem like such a nice person who's trying her best and your husband seems like a real UAV--you deserve better.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by newbymom05

I'm another SAHM who couldn't stay away from this thread. RE: BetsyS and her SAHM experience, mine is sort of the same. All my SAHMs have degrees, but their careers (if they had one) was teaching, and I think they went into teaching for the family-friendly nature of it, as I did.

OTOH, I know some SAHPs who have/tried to have careers. A colleague of mine's DH was the SAHP, and it pretty much derailed his professional career. He's a PhD's prof and was trying to get on a tenure track, but watching their children left him unable to research or publish so he's stuck in community college. He's the SAHP because he's better suited for it (according to my friend, his DW) and because they need her benefits/insurance.

My brother's DW has a PhD and over 70K of debt and she's the SAHP. She doesn't seem bitter--she's pregnant with #3--but she's complained that even 3 yrs out of her field has rendered her obsolete and she'll need a career change if/when she goes back to work. My DB works for the gov't and so has a very stable job w/ great benefits and it seems very family-friendly in terms of leave--he got 6 weeks off for paternity leave, for instance.

My BIL has his MA and is the SAHP. SIL has a demanding job w/ lots of travel. Even though their child is in school, he's still a F/T SAHP so SIL can focus on her job.

Another SIL works a P/T job that is really F/T. Her sister is just now trying to get a job after 20 yrs of SAHMing and can't even get an interview. WOHM SIL really hates her job stress-wise b/c of childcare responsibilities, but is so freaked out by her sister's job prospects she's afraid to quit. Oh, and her husband just got laid off, so it's a good thing she didn't.

One of DH's female bosses has a SAHH, all their kids are over 5, and he was a practicing atty pre-kids. She had the better career trajectory so he's the SAHP.

Sorry to ramble, I guess my point is people have all kinds of reasons to W/SAHP, but when young children are involved, it seems to boil down to income. I mean, who wouldn't take a guaranteed paid maternity year off if they could? And support. A SAHP to take control of household/child responsibilities helps the other's career, no doubt about it IMO. The families we know w/ dual high-powered careers also have nannies AND housekeepers AND babysitters--they're not sitting at work worried about who's picking up a sick child.

Personally, I could work and it would pay off re: childcare. So could most of my middle-class friends. For me, it's not worth the stress. And my DH is in full agreement--he has dual-income coworkers for whom a sick child or travel is a major negotiation with their spouse, whose work is more important, etc. Also, and speaking to the thread title, there is no way I"m a sharp as I was. I don't know how my DH does it (we have a nursing toddler and a preschooler), I'm not even on top of my game just sitting here at home on MDC. I find toddlerhood and/or nursing to be exhausting.

Sorry to ramble, this is a very interesting thread. And TiN, I've also followed your posts--I hope you get some resolution to your problems. You seem like such a nice person who's trying her best and your husband seems like a real UAV--you deserve better.

Thank you for posting. This was really interesting to read, especially because you provided real life examples of many scenarios. It broadens and opens our perspective.

Thanks! I really appreciate that you shared this.

[newbymom05]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

Thank you for posting. This was really interesting to read, especially because you provided real life examples of many scenarios. It broadens and opens our perspective.

Thanks! I really appreciate that you shared this.

Thanks for reading it--sorry it was so long! I was afraid I was the thread killer.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by newbymom05

WOHM SIL really hates her job stress-wise b/c of childcare responsibilities, but is so freaked out by her sister's job prospects she's afraid to quit. Oh, and her husband just got laid off, so it's a good thing she didn't.

A SAHP to take control of household/child responsibilities helps the other's career, no doubt about it IMO. The families we know w/ dual high-powered careers also have nannies AND housekeepers AND babysitters--they're not sitting at work worried about who's picking up a sick child.

Personally, I could work and it would pay off re: childcare. So could most of my middle-class friends. For me, it's not worth the stress. And my DH is in full agreement--he has dual-income coworkers for whom a sick child or travel is a major negotiation with their spouse, whose work is more important, etc.

Thanks for writing this, especially. I feel like I'm walking in the shoes of your SIL, although I don't really hate work, and in fact if I wasn't a mother, I think I'd find it to be the most wonderful job I've ever had, or at least as good as my other favorite jobs.

As for the second paragraph, I'm a bit sad to think about this because it certainly doesn't apply to our family and maybe even envious of those for whom this is the case. DH does not consider a SAHP to be an asset, either to a child or to his career. No way. I do work part time, and I don't think DH even sees my part time status and the fact that I do 99.9 percent of the child care management, and the sick days, and the doctors appts, and the laundry and everything else. I really get the feeling, perhaps wrongly so, that he takes all that for granted and doesn't see that it perhaps allows him to be a go-getter at work not worrying about who will pick up a sick child.

And maybe that is the real problem here with us - lack of appreciation, mutually. I don't appreciate DH because well, really, I just don't appreciate how he acts and his attitude and what he does for the family. I never fathomed being with anyone who would make remarks about how he never signed up to be a sugar daddy (when I work part time!). Ugh. I'm rolling my eyes now at his language choice and his inference.

Someday, in the future, maybe DH will wake up and see himself for how he has acted. Probably not, though.

Based on your last paragraph I quoted, I have to say, you are sooooooo fortunate to have a DH who believes that. It really is a deal breaker to me that my husband doesn't believe that. But that is getting to be an old line for me.

I'm moving on to more positive ways to deal with the stress and keep my career going because like your sister-in-law, I could have a husband with a lay-off, or who knows what, and I'm going to need to be in a career rather than having no luck with resumes. It's like walking a tight rope. I have so many things related to family and child rearing that are pulling me in either direction that it's easy to fall off the rope or choose to jump off, but I have to keep balancing on the tight rope for the unknown, the future, and the "what-ifs."

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by newbymom05

Thanks for reading it--sorry it was so long! I was afraid I was the thread killer.

No, not at all, in my opinion. I loved how you illustrated just how nuanced this issue is and what the recurring themes are among different couples, and what the variations can be.

I really detest when conversations like these get turned into the black and white, rigid SAHM versus working-for-a-paycheck mother. It's such a disservice to all mothers to oversimplify and attack, criticize, or question each other's choices at the moment.

It's better to share information and discuss and help each other navigate a flawed system.

[newbymom05]

I don't mean to get all personal, but, TiN, I think your husband is the problem, not your work. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and I felt exhausted, slow mentally, unable to make simple decisions, let alone complex ones. Once I left, that all went away. I still had challenges but I could deal with them. I think if you could shed the weight of his HORRIBLE and unreasonable attitude and treatment, you'd feel and function a lot better. I remember reading your posts in the FL forum--are you any closer to that being a possibility? Because it seems to me you have HAD a forgiving attitude for a pretty long time. Seriously, you and everyone else have brought up so many excellent points, but as long as he's dragging you down emotionally, really sabotaging you IMHO, what can you do?

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by newbymom05

I don't mean to get all personal, but, TiN, I think your husband is the problem, not your work. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and I felt exhausted, slow mentally, unable to make simple decisions, let alone complex ones. Once I left, that all went away. I still had challenges but I could deal with them. I think if you could shed the weight of his HORRIBLE and unreasonable attitude and treatment, you'd feel and function a lot better. I remember reading your posts in the FL forum--are you any closer to that being a possibility? Because it seems to me you have HAD a forgiving attitude for a pretty long time. Seriously, you and everyone else have brought up so many excellent points, but as long as he's dragging you down emotionally, really sabotaging you IMHO, what can you do?

Thank you. Yes, I know this is very true, and I know how many of my posts sound. I know. I can't really believe myself that I'm stuck in this situation.

Of course, to be fair, you've only heard my side of the story. I'm sure DH has his own opinions, right? As I said, there are different perspectives at play here, and different expectations, and different values, and different goals in life, in general. Just as an example, I think DH doesn't see a major problem with his language and swearing, and he either can't remember (or is in denial) about some of the things he has said. The other day he was telling me he's never called me white trash and there is nothing "white trash" about my life so it wouldn't even make sense. I said, well, there's nothing "white trash" about anyone's life because people aren't trash, and it's a stereotype. And then he said, come on, your family? They're white trash. But you're not, and I never called you that.

It sort of bothers me that he reinvents what has happened. He's called me white trash, not once, but multiple times. And it's neither here nor there, really.

I don't really understand my husband. He makes lists. He makes lists of many things, always has. He compiles lists of things he's interested in, like music, or football, and then keeps detailed stat lists of how many times a band has played a song live and how long it was, or how many touchdowns a player has had, etc. He keeps them in binders, and they grow and grow.

He's making lists now, he tells me, of me. Of anytime I do something that pisses him off, or that he feels is bad parenting. He's not helping me, he's keeping track and making lists. If laundry isn't done and our child has to go to day care that day, he adds it to his list. It's crazy, isn't it? This list compiling?

It makes me think, along with some other characteristics, that he really does have Asperger's or something on that spectrum.

The other thing is DH is really strange about money and who earns it and how that relates to goals.

As I've said many, many times he's made it very clear he never signed up to support a SAHP, he is dismissive of other SAHMs we know in real life, and he's been very harsh to me about this choice, questioning my work ethic, saying he's not a sugar daddy, saying I am just like my parents who never worked, and on and on.

So, lately, I've been looking for ways to improve things (obviously - from my posts!) and many of you have been saying part time is harder to navigate than full time because you stay keyed into the game, can afford more daycare, can afford maybe some other services.

I've been looking for jobs. Full time jobs. In cities where my field pays really well. And I've found a few listings in my field, at my experience level, that I probably have a significant shot at, although they might be pretty competitive in this economy.

Anyway, a couple of them pay about the same as DH makes now, and a few pay more. I could support the whole family if we moved together until DH found work, or, alternatively, if DH stayed behind or the house didn't sell, I could easily afford my half of the mortgage and rent for a new place.

DH just yelled at me, hard core. How it's hair brained. How money must be the only thing important to me. Isn't that just so ironic?

And he said, and DS would have to go to full time day care and wouldn't you have meetings and travel? Say what???!!!!???!!!???!!!! Seriously? You will use this arguement against my working full time at a job that pays well where I could afford to buy the services I need? But you will fight this argument when it comes to being a SAHP, and you will be dismissive of me and my work ethic and my contributions as a primary parent when I work part time as I do now?

I can't take DH anymore. I can't. He's just so hard to deal with, resists any sort of change at all, even if it's an improvement.

I think DH is just anti-me. I really do.

I could get that good paying job with excellent benefits, and I could earn more than DH, and he wouldn't support me any more than the dismal support I do now. And he for sure would not be a SAHP, and he would probably still make cracks about my childhood, my parents, and my family.

Seriously? How am I going to ditch him in a responsible way that won't scar my child and ruin my finacial legs in life, which already seem really shaky?

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

Seriously? How am I going to ditch him in a responsible way that won't scar my child and ruin my finacial legs in life, which already seem really shaky?

Sometimes you just have to settle for good enough - by which I mean you might have to leave him in a way that involves a small amount of hardship for your child (although I don't think staying means no hardship, if you see what I mean) and some financial struggle. But staying involves its own set of struggles. If my husband called me white trash and was keeping a list on me, well, I'd prefer to deal with a bad FICO score or whatever personally. At least there the rules are clear and impersonal.

[major_mama11]

I haven't read the whole thread yet, but I can certainly empathize with a lot of what others have said here. I too feel like my mental sharpness is just not what it once was. I feel like it's mainly sleep deprivation that makes my brain so fuzzy. I went back to college when DD was a toddler, and balanced that with working part-time, and did quite well with both. I should note that this was *after* she had stopped most of her night-wakings. DH does not work long hours, and is pretty helpful at home, so that helped me maintain my sanity while in school and when I worked FT.

But now, with two kids, even though I only work PT, I feel like I'm burning the candle at both ends. With their poor sleep habits, I am rarely in bed before midnight, and that just doesn't fly when I often have to get up at 4 am for work. I get frustrated with myself for my inability to easily form a coherent thought at work, but then I have to remind myself that, before I had my 2nd child, I was getting 7-8 hours of sleep per night. I truly think that a lot of it is just plain old sleep deprivation.

I have been a SAHM, WOH full-time, and worked part-time. Currently, I am working full-time hours in order to train in a different department. Although I love my usual PT schedule, I just felt that I was not keeping up with my FT coworkers AT ALL as a part-timer. I hate that feeling of not being up to snuff. I am hoping that working FT for a few weeks will help me to jump-start my brain, and get more up to date.

This is my first week orienting to the new department, and yesterday there was a fast-paced situation in which I know if my mind were sharper, I could have impressed my new coworkers. Instead I hung back and ended up looking below average, and that drives me nuts, because I know that I'm capable of performing much better than I did. But maybe I expect too much of myself too soon, I don't know...

If we could afford it, I would definitely SAH for a few years until my kids are older, and then go back FT when I could devote the necessary mental and physical energy. But we can't afford it, and DH is not willing to look for a different job that pays a higher wage. He has the skills to make enough for us to live on, but that would mean working 50-60 hrs a week rather than his current 35 hrs, and he would rather have a more equal share in parenting than have a SAHM. I'm OK with that, since I like my work. If I didn't like my work, I would probably push him harder to look for another job, so that I could devote myself fully to SAHM-hood, rather than feeling stuck between the two worlds of work and home, and not fully measuring up in either world....

[Carita]

Originally Posted by lolar2

TIN, do you know many adults who have Asperger's? Or have you watched interviews with people who have it, on video or live? Because I know a bunch of adults with Asperger's and they are all a lot nicer than you describe your husband. My cousin's husband has Asperger's and their marriage happens to be quite rocky, but he never calls her names. Another man I know memorized Emily Post so that he could relate to people better. It's obviously possible to have Asperger's and be a UAV, but at least in my anecdotal experience, I've never known one to cause the other.

I haven't read all the posts. I'll only chime in to say that my sister's son was diagnosed with asperger's and the more she learned about him, the more she saw symptoms and signs in her own husband, who was a UAV. It took a long separation and counseling for them to compatibly live together, and now he has a job in which he is traveling often, and it rather works out for them. The biggest change was in my sister, not him. She finally realized that she didn't have to just take it. She didn't divorce for religious reasons and also probably for religious reasons was rather submissive to him, but after the separation, she proved to herself that she could do it on her own with good success. After the separation, he finally realizes that marriages mean listening in both directions, (which due to the possible Asp, he doesn't do all the time, but at least with a bit more frequency) and that she wasn't always going to back down. The biggest problem is that he just doesn't get social cues, but also that he didn't ever feel repercussions for his actions. After the separation, he realized there were repercussions and no amount of manipulating was going to fix it.

Honestly - IDK how she could have gotten through those years as a WOHM in a science field, mom to 3 within 4 years including the one with Asperger's, separated near divorce, and back again (and a million other things), if my mom hadn't been there for her as a solid reliable rock and helper and because she works for the state, she had amazing leave and other benefits and a union behind her.

To me a marriage is about partnership - and if you are not getting partnership on all levels, then you need to find a way to change that dynamic, not just for you, but for your kids, because they learn what is acceptable in a relationship from your partnership. If you can't do that - if you have reached a point in your relationship that you feel you cannot stand up for yourself or communicate and change the dynamic yourself - then I always recommend counseling, individual and/or joint and a bit of counselor shopping because not all are created equal.

Personal issues at home can always affect work performance, so while some of it may be kids - there is a huge difference in recovery time IMO between a mom who is expected to do it all and a mom who has equal partnership support.

[Louisep]

Hi everyone, I've just spent 30 minutes reading as much of the thread as I can! So interesting and apt as I prepare to start a new job after 14 months off.

I'm TERRIFIED! My ds is a terrible sleeper and high needs. It's been the hardest 14 months of my life. But, staying at home for me has resulted in me losing my sense of self. Sure, all mothers (correction, many) mothers probably lose themselves but I know for me it is in direct relation to not working. If my son were not high needs and a better sleeper, I would have returned long ago.

I return not for the money, but because I spent years trying to establish myself and I'm about to lose my career if I don't get back into it. I LOVE my profession (also in the research field). However, will I love it when I find myself stressed out because I can't process on the same level I used to?

I'm kind of scared after reading PPs! Because I'm starting a new job, I have to be on my A game. I don't know if the fact that the firm President (woman) has a 5 month old will go in my favor or not! Unless her child is high needs and doesn't sleep, probably not!

I have a wonderful, supportive dh (well, 90% of the time!) and hoped part-time hours might ease the burden.

I must say, i've been engaging my brain more over the last couple of months and was pleasantly surprised that my sharpness in general seems to be returning. I feel for me though, sleep is the key and that's in short supply.

So many other points to comment on, but I'll close for now.

[major_mama11]

That is Nice, I know a couple of Aspies quite well, and the list-making behavior does sound very much like something that one of them would do. Although not keeping a list of his wife's "wrongdoings", more like random trivia!

I am sorry that your husband is being so unsupportive- I hope that you can find a solution that works.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Louisep

Hi everyone, I've just spent 30 minutes reading as much of the thread as I can! So interesting and apt as I prepare to start a new job after 14 months off.

I'm TERRIFIED! My ds is a terrible sleeper and high needs. It's been the hardest 14 months of my life. But, staying at home for me has resulted in me losing my sense of self. Sure, all mothers (correction, many) mothers probably lose themselves but I know for me it is in direct relation to not working. If my son were not high needs and a better sleeper, I would have returned long ago.

I return not for the money, but because I spent years trying to establish myself and I'm about to lose my career if I don't get back into it. I LOVE my profession (also in the research field). However, will I love it when I find myself stressed out because I can't process on the same level I used to?

I'm kind of scared after reading PPs! Because I'm starting a new job, I have to be on my A game. I don't know if the fact that the firm President (woman) has a 5 month old will go in my favor or not! Unless her child is high needs and doesn't sleep, probably not!

I have a wonderful, supportive dh (well, 90% of the time!) and hoped part-time hours might ease the burden.

I must say, i've been engaging my brain more over the last couple of months and was pleasantly surprised that my sharpness in general seems to be returning. I feel for me though, sleep is the key and that's in short supply.

So many other points to comment on, but I'll close for now.

Hi! I just want to say good luck and I wish you the best! It sounds like you are really self-aware, motivated, and ready to work hard, and those qualities will really help. The transition may be easier than you think (let's hope) but be prepared to be prepared, and that will probably go a long way. And don't be too hard on yourself when things get tough. It's all a work in progress. (I need to take my own advice).

I also wanted to say that your personal story resonated with me because, like you, I don't know if I really lost myself being out of my career or lost myself because I was so drained and sleepless becoming a mother and caring for a high needs child. I really tend to think it was more the latter. But I really don't know for sure. I can't isolate it to one change. I totally get what you are saying.

And, like you, I didn't really want to lose what I'd spent years building, but it is stressful keeping it going.

Thanks so much for posting! And best of luck to you! I hope you can come back and post about your experience and offer more insight. Thanks so much!