Originally Posted by newbymom05
I don't mean to get all personal, but, TiN, I think your husband is the problem, not your work. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and I felt exhausted, slow mentally, unable to make simple decisions, let alone complex ones. Once I left, that all went away. I still had challenges but I could deal with them. I think if you could shed the weight of his HORRIBLE and unreasonable attitude and treatment, you'd feel and function a lot better. I remember reading your posts in the FL forum--are you any closer to that being a possibility? Because it seems to me you have HAD a forgiving attitude for a pretty long time. Seriously, you and everyone else have brought up so many excellent points, but as long as he's dragging you down emotionally, really sabotaging you IMHO, what can you do?
Thank you. Yes, I know this is very true, and I know how many of my posts sound. I know. I can't really believe myself that I'm stuck in this situation.
Of course, to be fair, you've only heard my side of the story. I'm sure DH has his own opinions, right? As I said, there are different perspectives at play here, and different expectations, and different values, and different goals in life, in general. Just as an example, I think DH doesn't see a major problem with his language and swearing, and he either can't remember (or is in denial) about some of the things he has said. The other day he was telling me he's never called me white trash and there is nothing "white trash" about my life so it wouldn't even make sense. I said, well, there's nothing "white trash" about anyone's life because people aren't trash, and it's a stereotype. And then he said, come on, your family? They're white trash. But you're not, and I never called you that.
It sort of bothers me that he reinvents what has happened. He's called me white trash, not once, but multiple times. And it's neither here nor there, really.
I don't really understand my husband. He makes lists. He makes lists of many things, always has. He compiles lists of things he's interested in, like music, or football, and then keeps detailed stat lists of how many times a band has played a song live and how long it was, or how many touchdowns a player has had, etc. He keeps them in binders, and they grow and grow.
He's making lists now, he tells me, of me. Of anytime I do something that pisses him off, or that he feels is bad parenting. He's not helping me, he's keeping track and making lists. If laundry isn't done and our child has to go to day care that day, he adds it to his list. It's crazy, isn't it? This list compiling?
It makes me think, along with some other characteristics, that he really does have Asperger's or something on that spectrum.
The other thing is DH is really strange about money and who earns it and how that relates to goals.
As I've said many, many times he's made it very clear he never signed up to support a SAHP, he is dismissive of other SAHMs we know in real life, and he's been very harsh to me about this choice, questioning my work ethic, saying he's not a sugar daddy, saying I am just like my parents who never worked, and on and on.
So, lately, I've been looking for ways to improve things (obviously - from my posts!) and many of you have been saying part time is harder to navigate than full time because you stay keyed into the game, can afford more daycare, can afford maybe some other services.
I've been looking for jobs. Full time jobs. In cities where my field pays really well. And I've found a few listings in my field, at my experience level, that I probably have a significant shot at, although they might be pretty competitive in this economy.
Anyway, a couple of them pay about the same as DH makes now, and a few pay more. I could support the whole family if we moved together until DH found work, or, alternatively, if DH stayed behind or the house didn't sell, I could easily afford my half of the mortgage and rent for a new place.
DH just yelled at me, hard core. How it's hair brained. How money must be the only thing important to me. Isn't that just so ironic?
And he said, and DS would have to go to full time day care and wouldn't you have meetings and travel? Say what???!!!!???!!!???!!!! Seriously? You will use this arguement against my working full time at a job that pays well where I could afford to buy the services I need? But you will fight this argument when it comes to being a SAHP, and you will be dismissive of me and my work ethic and my contributions as a primary parent when I work part time as I do now?
I can't take DH anymore. I can't. He's just so hard to deal with, resists any sort of change at all, even if it's an improvement.
I think DH is just anti-me. I really do.
I could get that good paying job with excellent benefits, and I could earn more than DH, and he wouldn't support me any more than the dismal support I do now. And he for sure would not be a SAHP, and he would probably still make cracks about my childhood, my parents, and my family.
Seriously? How am I going to ditch him in a responsible way that won't scar my child and ruin my finacial legs in life, which already seem really shaky?