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Mental sharpness and doing well in the work place - Page 3

post #41 of 127
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by lolar2 View Post
Your husband thinks it's admirable of his colleagues to skip out on their leave, because that meant less inconvenience for him. Anything that inconveniences your husband=bad and anything that improves his convenience=admirable, from what you've described.
Thank you. But also, I think it's the institutional culture at work, in an indirect way.

I think others at work have made comments or jokes if a man takes paternity leave that adds up to more than a week or two.

My DH is not one to rock the boat, and would feel very uncomfortable asking for more (or the perception of more) paternity leave than anyone else generally takes.

That would be outside his comfort zone, and he would never do it, and would react angrily at the request, and would never think of requesting it on his own.
post #42 of 127
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by simcon View Post
I also find toddlers incredibly intellectually and emotionally challenging--much more than infants or preschoolers/elementary schoolers. To me, the mental agility required by their developing sense of agency coupled with inherent irrationality is just exhausting (though I adore the age too for all the obviously wonderful things about it!).
Yes. Me, too. I'm exhausted by the movement of toddlers. I've been told by many people that I have an active (overly active/hyperactive) child. My child runs circles around other children.

I fantasize what it would be like to have one of my friends kids who aren't spastically running here and there constantly and showing signs of ADHD every day.
post #43 of 127
Thread Starter 
I realized today while talking to a co-worker about a totally non-work related topic that it's my memory and mental sharpness in general, not just about technical stuff at work.

I am having trouble completing a full, well composed thought. I can't come up with words I mean. My brain is so foggy...it's there I just have to reach in and try to pull it out. Today I was trying to come up with the name of a park we've been to hundreds of time and I just couldn't. I forget things too easily and then I struggle to come up with the words during conversations. My mind draws blanks more than it used to, and while I'm trying to run a meeting with work related things, that is a major problem.

I think I need a job that is mostly writing, which would give me more time to think and compose full thoughts.

I think the main problem is mental acuity while talking in meetings in front of people or while presenting things. I basically suck after having a kid, and it's a major challenge that leaves me in tears most of the time because I'm no where near as good as I used to be, and, frankly, it's just embarrassing to stumble and stammer in front of people, especially in a work setting. I feel stupid almost on a daily basis.

I used to like working, and learning new things, but it is a lot harder these days. I'm just so darn tired and I don't think as quickly or retain facts the way I used to.

It doesn't help that this is the hardest job I've ever had, surrounded by the smartest people I've ever worked with, and I'm the least equipped to deal with this all than I've ever been since college.

I think I'm out of my league in this job, and I've stretched my competence too much. It's a good experience for my resume, sure, but it's so stressful and I feel bad most of the time at work because I'm just not on their level and I'm not in the place in life to really focus that much on work right now.

Literally every morning for the past year, I've felt exhausted enough to justify taking a sick day. I mean, obviously, I can't do that and I haven't, but that is how it has been the last year. Nearly every day I feel exhausted, stretched thin, frazzled, and stressed enough that it is like the rare day that I would have taken a sick day at work before having a child. I feel that way so much more frequently than I ever used to, and I've been keeping it going for so long now that it just seems to compound and get worse. OK, I am totally whining right now, so I will stop.
post #44 of 127
Do you have an assistant at work? One of the things that helped me when I returned to my old job was really leaning on my assistant. I delegated a lot of work to him and also just spent a lot of time talking to him about what needed to happen, what outcome we were looking for, almost like he was a sounding board before I had to go in front of people, like you describe in your last post.

As far as staying on track when speaking, it won't always work, but I would make bullet points for any meeting I was going into. Anything I needed to say would go on a notepad that I brought with me. It sounds too basic, but I didn't used to need to do that, but once I returned from maternity leave I was really vulnerable to feeling hazy all the time.
post #45 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by madskye View Post
As far as staying on track when speaking, it won't always work, but I would make bullet points for any meeting I was going into. Anything I needed to say would go on a notepad that I brought with me. It sounds too basic, but I didn't used to need to do that, but once I returned from maternity leave I was really vulnerable to feeling hazy all the time.
I had a professor who did this-- she had three children and an unreliable husband, so probably was in a fairly analogous mental state to yours. It worked quite well.
post #46 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by That Is Nice View Post

He thought I was career oriented. Past tense.

OK, look, things change when you have a baby, right? Especially in my personal, anecdotal world where I have absolutely no family to help out and where my husband works long hours (either because it's required, or he's goofing off with is pod casts, or because he wants a break from me or our child - it's a combination). But the thing is he's always worked late and long hours and he has never taken time off and it never used to be a big deal because as a childless woman I could handle everything myself, and basically did.

So, having a child changed the entire dynamic of our relationship, and the way our household runs.

It's basically chaos now. My DH helps out LESS than most husbands of SAHMs I know! It's so shameful, I think. I've grown so resentful of him. Yeah, that doesn't help, but this is years into it, and I've approached him many times, and he is just not going to change. I've tried what I can try. It's not going to change. So, I'm just treading water.
My DH is a lot like yours- works long hours, doesn't help with the housework or childcare. He also has a very technical/ mentally straining job.
We both graduated with degrees and student loans, we both worked before having babies- Dh was very happy with my career as a teacher. (He is an elect. engineer) So after our first dd was born, he wanted me to go back to work, we needed my income. So I went back at 7 weeks post part um. Big mistake. I was exhausted being up at night with a colicky baby, feeding every few hours, changing diapers, tired all day in class, barely able to keep up my responsibilities and not getting any help. I felt like I couldn't continue being a good teacher AND a good mom. Something was going to have to give.

I was fighting with DH all the time because he still was not helping out. On a good week he would drag the garbage to the curb and that was it.
So I gave him an ultimatum, either he would help me more with the baby and with the house or I would quit my job for a while. He wasn't going to change, so I quit. It didn't make sense on paper but I did it. I quit. I cut back on all my spending and we ate a lot of spaghetti, cut out cable, I sold some things, I babysat, and we made it work. He did not respect me for it at all, he was very disappointed in me. (I became the loser to him but I didn't care). I decided he couldn't have his cake and eat it too. He couldn't expect me to be an equally working parent and then not help out in any way with the house and kids. I told him our home was not a hotel for him to only come home to sleep. I don't know how anyone can have a happy home with 2 full time working parents and not have one parent's job take a back burner in some way with babies/toddlers at home- at least for a while.

So I stayed home and surprisingly it was the best thing for our marriage.
I was happier and he was happier that I wasn't complaining. I fell into the home-maker roll and I was happy there. We worked on our marriage and we ended up having another baby. I homeschooled this last year. Now its been 5 years since I left my job and I don't regret it.

And now I'm looking to re-enter the work force. My girls are a bit older now- 4 and 6 and it is SOOOOO much easier than when they were babies/toddlers! Although we can afford for me to stay home, (barely) I want them to go to school. I'm DONE with homeschooling. I'm tired of living on a shoestring budget. They will be FINE going to school.
For me, its worth it to go back to work- We will be able to afford a housekeeper and private school for the girls. DH is excited for me to go back to work. He should be done with his Masters soon and says that if I go back to work he will help out more. He had to realize that things change when you have babies and that for a season I had to put my career on hold. I am lucky that I can pick it back up and I know it won't be easy, but I look forward to it.

I think the best thing I did for my marriage was/is to choose to be happy in the situation I was in. I chose to speak highly of him to others and to the kids. I would tell the girls that Daddy works very hard so that we can have a home and food to eat. I make the best of the time we have with him. I stopped complaining to my friends/ my mom about my marriage because it just made them mad at him and didn't change my situation.
I'm just telling you what worked for me to stay in my marriage.

Other SAHM's I know also have husbands who do a lot more than my DH, but it helps to know that there are other wives that deal with the same issues you do.

It seems that a lot of men, once they have kids, focus much of their time on working and providing for their family and thats how they show their love. Men are so goal oriented- Wife (check), kids (check), career (check) okay on to the next goal of promotion - and they work work work. I had to realize that this was just the nature of my DH and I had to make peace with it. I know that other seasons will come and I'm committed to making my marriage work. I hope you find what situation works out for you.

I hope this has helped. Sorry it got so long!!
post #47 of 127
I understand how draining it is to work a demanding position with a family too. When I did not have so many responsibilities it was easy for me to meet the challenges of my field. Now I feel like I have been even gotten less intelligent or something.....I even resent having to be as sharp, etc. I have picked up the pace a little but it is very difficult and I would like to return to just working for myself and biding my own time instead of being at the mercy of a 9-5.
post #48 of 127
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by kindergirl77 View Post
My DH is a lot like yours- works long hours, doesn't help with the housework or childcare. He also has a very technical/ mentally straining job.
We both graduated with degrees and student loans, we both worked before having babies- Dh was very happy with my career as a teacher. (He is an elect. engineer) So after our first dd was born, he wanted me to go back to work, we needed my income. So I went back at 7 weeks post part um. Big mistake. I was exhausted being up at night with a colicky baby, feeding every few hours, changing diapers, tired all day in class, barely able to keep up my responsibilities and not getting any help. I felt like I couldn't continue being a good teacher AND a good mom. Something was going to have to give.

I was fighting with DH all the time because he still was not helping out. On a good week he would drag the garbage to the curb and that was it.
So I gave him an ultimatum, either he would help me more with the baby and with the house or I would quit my job for a while. He wasn't going to change, so I quit. It didn't make sense on paper but I did it. I quit. I cut back on all my spending and we ate a lot of spaghetti, cut out cable, I sold some things, I babysat, and we made it work. He did not respect me for it at all, he was very disappointed in me. (I became the loser to him but I didn't care). I decided he couldn't have his cake and eat it too. He couldn't expect me to be an equally working parent and then not help out in any way with the house and kids. I told him our home was not a hotel for him to only come home to sleep. I don't know how anyone can have a happy home with 2 full time working parents and not have one parent's job take a back burner in some way with babies/toddlers at home- at least for a while.

So I stayed home and surprisingly it was the best thing for our marriage.
I was happier and he was happier that I wasn't complaining. I fell into the home-maker roll and I was happy there. We worked on our marriage and we ended up having another baby. I homeschooled this last year. Now its been 5 years since I left my job and I don't regret it.

And now I'm looking to re-enter the work force. My girls are a bit older now- 4 and 6 and it is SOOOOO much easier than when they were babies/toddlers! Although we can afford for me to stay home, (barely) I want them to go to school. I'm DONE with homeschooling. I'm tired of living on a shoestring budget. They will be FINE going to school.
For me, its worth it to go back to work- We will be able to afford a housekeeper and private school for the girls. DH is excited for me to go back to work. He should be done with his Masters soon and says that if I go back to work he will help out more. He had to realize that things change when you have babies and that for a season I had to put my career on hold. I am lucky that I can pick it back up and I know it won't be easy, but I look forward to it.

I think the best thing I did for my marriage was/is to choose to be happy in the situation I was in. I chose to speak highly of him to others and to the kids. I would tell the girls that Daddy works very hard so that we can have a home and food to eat. I make the best of the time we have with him. I stopped complaining to my friends/ my mom about my marriage because it just made them mad at him and didn't change my situation.
I'm just telling you what worked for me to stay in my marriage.

Other SAHM's I know also have husbands who do a lot more than my DH, but it helps to know that there are other wives that deal with the same issues you do.

It seems that a lot of men, once they have kids, focus much of their time on working and providing for their family and thats how they show their love. Men are so goal oriented- Wife (check), kids (check), career (check) okay on to the next goal of promotion - and they work work work. I had to realize that this was just the nature of my DH and I had to make peace with it. I know that other seasons will come and I'm committed to making my marriage work. I hope you find what situation works out for you.

I hope this has helped. Sorry it got so long!!
You had me nodding my head and commiserating all through your post until the end (second to last paragraph).

I'll break the post apart and respond to each part separately in a minute.
post #49 of 127
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by kindergirl77 View Post
My DH is a lot like yours- works long hours, doesn't help with the housework or childcare. He also has a very technical/ mentally straining job.
We both graduated with degrees and student loans, we both worked before having babies- Dh was very happy with my career as a teacher. (He is an elect. engineer) So after our first dd was born, he wanted me to go back to work, we needed my income. So I went back at 7 weeks post part um. Big mistake. I was exhausted being up at night with a colicky baby, feeding every few hours, changing diapers, tired all day in class, barely able to keep up my responsibilities and not getting any help. I felt like I couldn't continue being a good teacher AND a good mom. Something was going to have to give.

I was fighting with DH all the time because he still was not helping out. On a good week he would drag the garbage to the curb and that was it.
So I gave him an ultimatum, either he would help me more with the baby and with the house or I would quit my job for a while. He wasn't going to change, so I quit. It didn't make sense on paper but I did it. I quit. I cut back on all my spending and we ate a lot of spaghetti, cut out cable, I sold some things, I babysat, and we made it work. He did not respect me for it at all, he was very disappointed in me. (I became the loser to him but I didn't care). I decided he couldn't have his cake and eat it too. He couldn't expect me to be an equally working parent and then not help out in any way with the house and kids. I told him our home was not a hotel for him to only come home to sleep. I don't know how anyone can have a happy home with 2 full time working parents and not have one parent's job take a back burner in some way with babies/toddlers at home- at least for a while.

So I stayed home and surprisingly it was the best thing for our marriage.
I was happier and he was happier that I wasn't complaining. I fell into the home-maker roll and I was happy there. We worked on our marriage and we ended up having another baby. I homeschooled this last year. Now its been 5 years since I left my job and I don't regret it.

And now I'm looking to re-enter the work force. My girls are a bit older now- 4 and 6 and it is SOOOOO much easier than when they were babies/toddlers! Although we can afford for me to stay home, (barely) I want them to go to school. I'm DONE with homeschooling. I'm tired of living on a shoestring budget. They will be FINE going to school.
For me, its worth it to go back to work- We will be able to afford a housekeeper and private school for the girls. DH is excited for me to go back to work. He should be done with his Masters soon and says that if I go back to work he will help out more. He had to realize that things change when you have babies and that for a season I had to put my career on hold. I am lucky that I can pick it back up and I know it won't be easy, but I look forward to it.

I think the best thing I did for my marriage was/is to choose to be happy in the situation I was in. I chose to speak highly of him to others and to the kids. I would tell the girls that Daddy works very hard so that we can have a home and food to eat. I make the best of the time we have with him. I stopped complaining to my friends/ my mom about my marriage because it just made them mad at him and didn't change my situation.
I'm just telling you what worked for me to stay in my marriage.

Other SAHM's I know also have husbands who do a lot more than my DH, but it helps to know that there are other wives that deal with the same issues you do.

Yes, yes, yes, and yes! Every point you made here, I find the same things in my life.

You are describing almost exactly my experience pre-baby and post-baby in my marriage.

OK, here is an example from today. DH and I both got up early, and he went to work. I dropped our child off at school. I had a long day...a couple of meetings where I had to present and I am now tapped, zapped, and barely cooking dinner. I heated up some food for my child and that is not what I wanted to do. I felt like ordering pizza on the way home only because I'm so tired and feel like I'm going to fall asleep any minute.

I called DH at 5 p.m. to see what time he'd be getting home from work. "I don't know." That was his reply. I asked him a couple more times to pin him down on when we could expect him. 5:30? 6:00? 7:00? Later. "I don't know. We'll see. I have things to do here."

I don't know - sometimes he actually does have things to do for work. Sometimes I know he stays at work late to surf the web and listen to his iPod and chill. Sometimes he goes out to dinner by himself. Yeah.

The thing is, I'm beat. I had a hard day at work today too. I am now at home watching our kid and making dinner, and running a load of laundry. And who knows what DH is up to, or when he'll be home.

post #50 of 127
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by kindergirl77 View Post
It seems that a lot of men, once they have kids, focus much of their time on working and providing for their family and thats how they show their love. Men are so goal oriented- Wife (check), kids (check), career (check) okay on to the next goal of promotion - and they work work work. I had to realize that this was just the nature of my DH and I had to make peace with it. I know that other seasons will come and I'm committed to making my marriage work. I hope you find what situation works out for you.

I hope this has helped. Sorry it got so long!!
Thank you so much for your post! It was really great! I felt like the first part you described is exactly my life (see posts below). But here is the difference, and the real kicker.

My husband is not one of those goal oriented men. I know what you mean, though. I've seen many men I know really work hard to provide for their families, especially once they have kids. They work, work, work. Heck, I've seen men who work with my husband and in his same field/skill set/degree/experience level really excel and devote themselves to work and be awesome husbands, fathers, and providers for their families (how it appears from the outside, anyway, I know you can never really know for sure unless you are living the life). I know many men who are in my husband's same field who work their butts off to provide for their families and they seem to have very happy wives (busy, yes, but happy) who are SAHMs. We know several couples like this.

It's aggravating for me because this is not the type of man my husband is. Not at all. He is not goal oriented. He has a decent enough career and he does work hard, some of the time, but I really think he's a slow worker by choice and he takes his time during the day. And that is why he works late. I also think (see below) that he stays at work deliberately to get me time. He listens to his iPod. He surfs the web. He goes out to dinner by himself. He meets friends. And all this while he says he is working late.

Sometimes he works late. Sometimes he uses it as an alibi.

DH is not a go-getter, rock the career type guy who will provide for us. Even his own father told me my husband/his son is as lazy as the day is long. It's true. He's smart, but he's unmotivated and he's soooooo slow about everything. He drove his parents batty with his reluctance to get out of chores growing up. And they did a lot of things for him, for which his mother once, just once in a moment of clarity and honesty, apologized to me for and said she felt bad about the way he can sometimes be. Most of the time she turns a blind eye, but one time she seemed to see my perspective.

DH is a good employee, and devoted, and almost never takes time off from work, but it's more about his personality and his comfort zone found in routine. He doesn't want to rock the boat socially at work. That makes him uncomfortable.

But DH is not going to step up and do well enough in a career to support us. I know that. He has made that very, very clear in actions and words. I swear he might have the record in some of his jobs for most years without raises. He's a status quo sort of job. He's not going to go out and find a great paying job or look for promotional opportunities. DH is going to coast, coast, coast and the easier the job is for him, the better.

He's made it very clear he does not want to be a provider, nor a sole provider. He would rebel.

The only reason I was able to stay at home for a couple of years is because I deliberately saved hard core for years ahead of time (more than 5 years before having a baby). We used the savings for me to SAH. When they dropped to an uncomfortable level, and when I felt my resume was starting to stale, I went back to work.

DH was ecstatic. He was unusually cruel and condescending to me when I was a SAHM. He said the most awful things and seemed to overlook that I had worked a great career for nearly 10 years before becoming a SAHM. I had a track record and that didn't stop him from saying terrible, untrue things to my face. I still get physically upset thinking about them.

Sorry, I just have a lot of really unresolved issues with DH on this topic. And I just can't test him the way you tested your husband, by quitting my job, especially in this economy. I'm too scared. DH just isn't someone to be relied on, I feel. He's not a bum, and he's always been employed, and he has a good enough job, and a good degree, but he's not going to magically become reliable, trustworthy, or protective of his family's well being. And that is a really sad statement about his character I feel.
post #51 of 127
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by madskye View Post
Do you have an assistant at work? One of the things that helped me when I returned to my old job was really leaning on my assistant. I delegated a lot of work to him and also just spent a lot of time talking to him about what needed to happen, what outcome we were looking for, almost like he was a sounding board before I had to go in front of people, like you describe in your last post.

As far as staying on track when speaking, it won't always work, but I would make bullet points for any meeting I was going into. Anything I needed to say would go on a notepad that I brought with me. It sounds too basic, but I didn't used to need to do that, but once I returned from maternity leave I was really vulnerable to feeling hazy all the time.
Hi. Thank you. I'm not that high on the totem ladder to have an assistant. Only the directors, and the office as a whole, has an assistant (one in the same person).

I do make bullet points and try to think out and write out what I'm going to say. I don't have any trouble with prepared statements during the presentations. It's during the discussion and question and answer parts where I'm leading a discussion of highly technical and legal issues with people who are far more well versed and, let's face it, better educated. The people I work with are basically all PhD scientists, lawyers, and other PhDs. So, it's really tough for me to answer their questions on their level, you know? This job is only indirectly related to my field and quite different level and field than the jobs I held for 10 years prior to taking maternity leave. So, even if I didn't have the mothering/parenting responsibilities dividing my attention, this job would be hard.

This job leaves me in tears and sweat most of the time. I feel like I'm in the hot seat constantly and it just wears at a person after a while. But then it was really the only part time, flexible professional position I could find with good pay and good benefits, that I was somewhat qualified for (on paper for) and that was somewhat related to my field. And it's awesome experience and I'm learning so much, so that's a plus, and it really is a good resume builder.
post #52 of 127
Just chiming in that I find it extremely difficult to be creative at work and have energy left over at home...and my kids are older (7 and 17)! Asap I want to transfer into a department where I don't need to be creative and "on" most of the day. I love to be challenged and can handle deadlines and such, but not the whole creative thing...ugh. And parts of my job that involve working with the public are so incredibly draining...I have very little left when I get home.

So, I get it. For me, once a more technical and less creative job comes up, I am taking it!
post #53 of 127
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by grisandole View Post
Just chiming in that I find it extremely difficult to be creative at work and have energy left over at home...and my kids are older (7 and 17)! Asap I want to transfer into a department where I don't need to be creative and "on" most of the day. I love to be challenged and can handle deadlines and such, but not the whole creative thing...ugh. And parts of my job that involve working with the public are so incredibly draining...I have very little left when I get home.

So, I get it. For me, once a more technical and less creative job comes up, I am taking it!
Thank you. Yes, this is exactly what I mean. It's the meetings where I have to really think on my feet, answer the questions and keep a dialogue going among people who are, let's face it, way more educated than I am formally, and also way more experienced in their particular technical fields. So, I always come across as inexperienced and naiive, and heavy handed when facilitating their discussions because I'm stretched so much in this field. It is only indirectly related to what I trained for and worked in for 10 years. So I feel everyday like my capacity is stretched at a time when I can't even give it my full attention and my full energy.

I need a desk or cube job. Not to diminish those jobs...but that is what I need at this point, I think, to be able to function in a way where I'm not sweating it out so much mentally and physically at work.

I detest meetings where I have to facilitate serious discussion of technical and legal issues, and provide information and guidance. It's so out of my league at this point. And that is most of the job. Does anyone else have to do a lot of public speaking and a lot of facilitating on fairly complex topics? How do you cope / handle it? Even the added preparation is hard for me right now...the dressing up, the crunch before meetings to prepare. I mean, I used to always work late and at home in the crunch leading up to meetings and I can't really do that anymore with a child to care for and little help from DH.

When DH doesn't get home until 7 p.m. there's not much time to prep for a meeting the next day.
post #54 of 127
What exactly is your set-up at work-- office? cubicle? And, roughly, what is your child's daycare schedule and your work schedule? Finally, am I remembering correctly that you have to drive in one direction to drop your child off at daycare and then double back to get to work? I might have some ideas that could ease things at the margins.

ETA-- are you working on a campus where there is a gym?
post #55 of 127
I'm a professor up for tenure this year, 1/2 research and 1/2 teaching. I am satisfied with being a good mom and an average worker (at least for now). I learned not to compare myself to others and just do what I can do.
post #56 of 127
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by namaste_mom View Post
I'm a professor up for tenure this year, 1/2 research and 1/2 teaching. I am satisfied with being a good mom and an average worker (at least for now). I learned not to compare myself to others and just do what I can do.
Thank you very much! I think your post sums up what my goal is going to be, and what would put to rest the topic of this thread.

I'm just going to have to accept my position in life right now, and for the near future.

And good luck with getting tenure! Good for you!
post #57 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by That Is Nice View Post
Yes, yes, yes, and yes! Every point you made here, I find the same things in my life.

You are describing almost exactly my experience pre-baby and post-baby in my marriage.

OK, here is an example from today. DH and I both got up early, and he went to work. I dropped our child off at school. I had a long day...a couple of meetings where I had to present and I am now tapped, zapped, and barely cooking dinner. I heated up some food for my child and that is not what I wanted to do. I felt like ordering pizza on the way home only because I'm so tired and feel like I'm going to fall asleep any minute.

I called DH at 5 p.m. to see what time he'd be getting home from work. "I don't know." That was his reply. I asked him a couple more times to pin him down on when we could expect him. 5:30? 6:00? 7:00? Later. "I don't know. We'll see. I have things to do here."

I don't know - sometimes he actually does have things to do for work. Sometimes I know he stays at work late to surf the web and listen to his iPod and chill. Sometimes he goes out to dinner by himself. Yeah.

The thing is, I'm beat. I had a hard day at work today too. I am now at home watching our kid and making dinner, and running a load of laundry. And who knows what DH is up to, or when he'll be home.

The whole thing about pinning down a time that he will be home is the same with my husband. His office is open 24 hours a day so he almost always sleeps in in the morning and then rushes off without spending any time with the kids and then he works late or goes to school and I put the kids to bed without him every night. Its tiring. And sad for the kids. They only see him on the weekends and even then he has homework/ work to do and barely spends any time with them. And when I point this out he only gets angry with me...
I haven't made dinner for him in ages. He goes out to eat every night and then goes back to work some more, if he doesn't go to school. As far as if he is working or not, I have no idea, but his job is highly technical and he wears many hats so I don't ever doubt that he's NOT working, ya know? He's the kind of guy that never says no.

My hope is that when he is done with school (which is his excuse for why he doesn't spend time with us) that he will be around more. And I think that he will respect me more once I start working again and I will put a lot of pressure on him to carry more weight around here with me working as well.
I almost want to go back to work so he can stop using my SAHM status as an excuse to not lift a finger... so we will see what happens when he finishes his Masters. I expect him to spend more time with the kids. But I am not holding my breath about the housework.

I also get up with the kids on the weekend and he sleeps in. I've just come to conclusion that this is my life and I just need to be thankful for a home and a husband. I am basically a single parent within my marriage at this point, and I am waiting to see if things will change when I go back to work.
post #58 of 127
I do public speaking and presentations (often with short noftice) and also do a lot of networking and such. It is fun, but it all requires creative mental energy. I am soooo with you. I want to think in black and white...follow policies and such, that's why I got my degree in public admin, I am good with red tape and policy implementation and helping people navigate government programs! I am in my field but at the creative end, ironic.
post #59 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by That Is Nice View Post
I am having trouble completing a full, well composed thought. ...

Literally every morning for the past year, I've felt exhausted enough to justify taking a sick day. I mean, obviously, I can't do that and I haven't, but that is how it has been the last year. Nearly every day I feel exhausted, stretched thin, frazzled, and stressed enough that it is like the rare day that I would have taken a sick day at work before having a child. .
That Is Nice, you have written so many well-composed thoughts here that I am certain you have more ability than you give yourself credit for. I'm wondering whether the issue isn't partially fatigue. I know that there are days when I can see through tangled argument and other days when I can't even remember whether I am supposed to pick my daughter up after work.

I want to mention something that I experienced after I had my first baby - maybe it is not at all relevant to you, but the description you give of feeling stretched thin and frazzled reminds me of how I felt then. I had been a vegetarian for about 16 years before having my first baby, and during my pregnancy I had cut out soy, cheese and eggs, primarily because they made me want to vomit, so there was not a lot of protein in my diet. I put these back into my diet after the baby was born, but I felt so weak and almost like my blood had been watered down somehow, that I decided I would try to increase the protein in my diet without overdoing it on the soy. So I started eating organic grass-fed meat and I started to feel much better. I still eat meat, although not in large quantities and have never had that feeling again even though, with three children now, you can bet that I certainly do experience fatigue.

But if it is just the stress of your position that is making you feel this way, I really hope you can find a way to make it easier for you. Is there someone who can help mentor you at all, or who could at least listen to your concerns?
post #60 of 127
[QUOTE=kindergirl77;15165418]
It seems that a lot of men, once they have kids, focus much of their time on working and providing for their family and thats how they show their love. /QUOTE]

My dh, who doesn't regularly take out the garbage, recently told me with a tone of shock in his voice that he read that women interpret their husband's taking out the garbage as a sign of affection. Apparently he didn't think of it that way!

And it sounds silly, but I wonder to what extent biological differences influence house-keeping desire. I'm going to mess this up, I know, but I recall reading a few years ago something to the effect that men do not react physiologically to the sound of babies "fussing" (women do); when babies are in distress men and women react equally. Could it be a similar mechanism with mess? Although I know there are many men who are very orderly, my husband not being one of them. We had a fight once because he was doing almost no housework at all, and I could not keep up - the fight ended when I had the revelation that he simply did not SEE the mess that so tortured me every day - I think if we ran completely out of clean dishes and laundry he might start to think that something should be done about the house, but anything less than that and he's happy as a clam. (There must be a grubbier analogy but I can't think of it at the moment.)
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