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Originally Posted by kindergirl77  It seems that a lot of men, once they have kids, focus much of their time on working and providing for their family and thats how they show their love. Men are so goal oriented- Wife (check), kids (check), career (check) okay on to the next goal of promotion - and they work work work. I had to realize that this was just the nature of my DH and I had to make peace with it. I know that other seasons will come and I'm committed to making my marriage work. I hope you find what situation works out for you.
I hope this has helped. Sorry it got so long!!
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Thank you so much for your post! It was really great! I felt like the first part you described is exactly my life (see posts below). But here is the difference, and the real kicker.
My husband is not one of those goal oriented men. I know what you mean, though. I've seen many men I know really work hard to provide for their families, especially once they have kids. They work, work, work. Heck, I've seen men who work with my husband and in his same field/skill set/degree/experience level really excel and devote themselves to work and be awesome husbands, fathers, and providers for their families (how it appears from the outside, anyway, I know you can never really know for sure unless you are living the life). I know many men who are in my husband's same field who work their butts off to provide for their families and they seem to have very happy wives (busy, yes, but happy) who are SAHMs. We know several couples like this.
It's aggravating for me because this is not the type of man my husband is. Not at all. He is not goal oriented. He has a decent enough career and he does work hard, some of the time, but I really think he's a slow worker by choice and he takes his time during the day. And that is why he works late. I also think (see below) that he stays at work deliberately to get me time. He listens to his iPod. He surfs the web. He goes out to dinner by himself. He meets friends. And all this while he says he is working late.
Sometimes he works late. Sometimes he uses it as an alibi.
DH is not a go-getter, rock the career type guy who will provide for us. Even his own father told me my husband/his son is as lazy as the day is long. It's true. He's smart, but he's unmotivated and he's soooooo slow about everything. He drove his parents batty with his reluctance to get out of chores growing up. And they did a lot of things for him, for which his mother once, just once in a moment of clarity and honesty, apologized to me for and said she felt bad about the way he can sometimes be. Most of the time she turns a blind eye, but one time she seemed to see my perspective.
DH is a good employee, and devoted, and almost never takes time off from work, but it's more about his personality and his comfort zone found in routine. He doesn't want to rock the boat socially at work. That makes him uncomfortable.
But DH is not going to step up and do well enough in a career to support us. I know that. He has made that very, very clear in actions and words. I swear he might have the record in some of his jobs for most years without raises. He's a status quo sort of job. He's not going to go out and find a great paying job or look for promotional opportunities. DH is going to coast, coast, coast and the easier the job is for him, the better.
He's made it very clear he does not want to be a provider, nor a sole provider. He would rebel.
The only reason I was able to stay at home for a couple of years is because I deliberately saved hard core for years ahead of time (more than 5 years before having a baby). We used the savings for me to SAH. When they dropped to an uncomfortable level, and when I felt my resume was starting to stale, I went back to work.
DH was ecstatic. He was unusually cruel and condescending to me when I was a SAHM. He said the most awful things and seemed to overlook that I had worked a great career for nearly 10 years before becoming a SAHM. I had a track record and that didn't stop him from saying terrible, untrue things to my face. I still get physically upset thinking about them.
Sorry, I just have a lot of really unresolved issues with DH on this topic. And I just can't test him the way you tested your husband, by quitting my job, especially in this economy. I'm too scared. DH just isn't someone to be relied on, I feel. He's not a bum, and he's always been employed, and he has a good enough job, and a good degree, but he's not going to magically become reliable, trustworthy, or protective of his family's well being. And that is a really sad statement about his character I feel.
Good for you!
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