Mental sharpness and doing well in the work place - Page 5

[lolar2]

I was reading a book yesterday called Getting to 50/50, which asserted that mothers, at least professional mothers, are sometimes given more-difficult work or more-difficult workloads, because employers feel that mothers should prove their loyalty to the job. The assertion was based on some kind of study though I hadn't looked at the study, and I don't know how rigorous it was-- also it was from 2004, and who knows if it is still valid. It's at http://www.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyT...405130482.html but I don't want to pay the $30! But anyway, if you returned to the same job after maternity leave and it seems harder now-- or if you are at a different job but you seem to be getting more-difficult assignments than you should or than the non-mothers in your workplace-- it's worth considering if maybe it's not "mommy brain" to blame.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by lolar2

I was reading a book yesterday called Getting to 50/50, which asserted that mothers, at least professional mothers, are sometimes given more-difficult work or more-difficult workloads, because employers feel that mothers should prove their loyalty to the job. The assertion was based on some kind of study though I hadn't looked at the study, and I don't know how rigorous it was-- also it was from 2004, and who knows if it is still valid. It's at http://www.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyT...405130482.html but I don't want to pay the $30! But anyway, if you returned to the same job after maternity leave and it seems harder now-- or if you are at a different job but you seem to be getting more-difficult assignments than you should or than the non-mothers in your workplace-- it's worth considering if maybe it's not "mommy brain" to blame.

Interesting! I would be so interested to hear if other women have encountered this.

How terrible for an employer to do this, even if unintentionally.

In my case, this is not happening. My employer(s) are actually fantastic about things, but obviously they can't change work load or deliverables. And I wouldn't want them to. They have goals and needs as an organization/system/business, right? And they mapped them out long before I arrived. If I can't do the work, then they shouldn't pay me. And if stay on staff, I need to do the work because otherwise I'm taking a spot and a line item in the overall budget that could go, theoretically, to a new employee who could meet the needs and goals of the organization/system/business.

That's not saying they don't have the responsibility to treat me fairly, ethically, and, hopefully, with work place compassion. And they do for the most part.

Also, for me, it's not so much "mommy brain" as it is fatigue and simply lack of time. Time to travel for work, time to prepare for presentations, time to read and do research before and between meetings.

And time for me in all that to care for my child. I can't take unpaid time or vacation for the school activities and still do my job. There simply aren't enough hours.

The mental sharpness is a function of the distractions of parenting, and the lack of time, and the lack of sleep (I think). That's my theory. It could just be that I'm aging or maybe I'm developing Alzheimers. Did I spell that correctly? I can't remember. Seriously. Five years ago I would not have spelled so many words incorrectly.

Like I said, it's not even just work related. I can't come up with the names of parks or other things that we've been to when talking to people in normal conversation.

[mambera]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

Do others have thoughts? I'm really interested in hearing what other people think.

Honestly I barely know any SAHMs IRL. Just a few women I've met at the park and I'm not sure what they did before kids or how long they are planning to stay home.

The women I know with small kids are mostly people I met through school or work and they all have professional jobs (one college professor, four doctors, a dentist, several computer/engineering people) and they all went back to work full time (except the dentist, her baby is 3 mo and she is still on mat leave right now but will go back part time soon, not sure if/when she will return to f/t).

We are in a very high COL area.

[lolar2]

Yeah, you know, I'm a student so I work from home a lot-- so I'm in the MOMS Club locally, and at least half of us work or go to school at least part-time. And that's technically a SAHM club. SAH just isn't common among people I know.

[Prairiemother]

Originally Posted by Punchy Kaby

I am a mom with 2 small kids (4 and 10 months) .... Right now, every minute away from my nursling is agonizing. I just got told this week that I would be going away for 9 days in June. (I am also going away for 5 days in a couple weeks and for 3 weeks in September, so a lot of traveling.) These trips are announced in front of a group of people (the 20 or so people that I work with day to day), so there is no privacy to process my emotions away from people. After the announcement 2 other mothers and I were discussing the situation, we were all in shock. I made a comment on how all this travel is really hard on our families. Then another [childless] woman (I used to consider this woman a friend) enters the conversation and proceeds to get snarky with me and lectured me about my 'bad' attitude and how I should be thankful for my job and how so many of her friends don't even have enough money to have a child. I was really hurt and angry about the situation. It made me feel more down about work.

I am angry, too, on your behalf. It bothers me that people are not more compassionate. It's symbolic of a lack of respect for children in our society, I think. It's shameful that we ostensibly treasure children - we spoil them with material goods and make statements about how special childhood is - and yet we think it is perfectly alright, even laudable, to deprive a child who, according to a book I read by Dr. Sears, is not even old enough to have object permanence, of her nursing mother for 9 days. What hypocrisy.

(For the benefit of That is Nice, I'm not sure I spelled that work correctly )

[Prairiemother]

Originally Posted by lolar2

I was reading a book yesterday called Getting to 50/50, which asserted that mothers, at least professional mothers, are sometimes given more-difficult work or more-difficult workloads, because employers feel that mothers should prove their loyalty to the job. The assertion was based on some kind of study though I hadn't looked at the study, and I don't know how rigorous it was-- also it was from 2004, and who knows if it is still valid. It's at http://www.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyT...405130482.html but I don't want to pay the $30! But anyway, if you returned to the same job after maternity leave and it seems harder now-- or if you are at a different job but you seem to be getting more-difficult assignments than you should or than the non-mothers in your workplace-- it's worth considering if maybe it's not "mommy brain" to blame.

I have placed a hold on this book at my library. Thank you for this post.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by mambera

Honestly I barely know any SAHMs IRL. Just a few women I've met at the park and I'm not sure what they did before kids or how long they are planning to stay home.

The women I know with small kids are mostly people I met through school or work and they all have professional jobs (one college professor, four doctors, a dentist, several computer/engineering people) and they all went back to work full time (except the dentist, her baby is 3 mo and she is still on mat leave right now but will go back part time soon, not sure if/when she will return to f/t).

We are in a very high COL area.

This is my experience too. But, then again, I know these people because I met them mainly through work, and they have careers like mine. Or I met them through professional contacts. You get the picture.

When I was a stay-at-home mom for two years, I did join some clubs and I knew other stay-at-home moms who were married to men that my DH worked with. My DH works with many men who have stay at home mothers as wives. To my knowledge, none of these women had worked very long before having kids and/or they didn't make enough to cover the cost of day care or if they did, it wasn't much beyond that. I met them all when my newborn was an infant and they are still staying at home now when the kids are school age with no plans to go back to work in the near future from what they have said. They've all had another baby, or two.

It is interesting that the professional women I know who kept going in their careers after a maternity leave have one, maybe two children. Most have only one child and are in their 30s going on 40s. I can't think of any who have 3 or more children.

But all the SAHMs I know have 2 to 3 kids, some even more than that.

[mambera]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

It is interesting that the professional women I know who kept going in their careers after a maternity leave have one, maybe two children. Most have only one child and are in their 30s going on 40s. I can't think of any who have 3 or more children.

My mom has a successful career and raised 3 children. I guess I saw that as the norm and therefore didn't realize quite how tough it is. I've always had a lot of respect for my mom but I have even more now that I'm navigating this road myself.

[kindergirl77]

I think whether an educated woman chooses to SAH depends on a lot of things. Her husband or partner's income, their debt, student loans, quality of life they are used to living, mortgage, and mainly their child-raising philosophies. Some women would rather go bankrupt, lose their home, and move in with family than go back to work. They are THAT committed to SAH because of their beliefs.

I agree that it is easier for non-professional women to SAH. I think the women who DO have an education are under a lot more pressure to USE their degrees, especially so if they have student debt. (That is my situation). And knowing that they could help provide a 'better' life for their families using their education is a big reason women choose to work. The question is what constitutes a better life- that is debatable.
And many women don't have a choice. They HAVE to work to make ends meet. And that is what makes me very upset about our society. We live in a 2-income society that (as a pp said) doesn't value children and sees them as burdens. We get very little Maternity leave in the US. And most women CANT have the choice to SAH anymore. There is little choice. Not with the housing costs, not in this economy.

It is only because my DH makes 100K that I was able to stay home for 5 years- and that wasn't even enough- I had to take on babysitting jobs and watched a neighbor's baby full time in order for me to stay at home (we also live in Southern CA). Now my kids are school age and I want to go back.
My cousin, who lives in Germany, is a very educated lawyer and she gets 1 year off and her employer must still hold her job for her if she decides to come back. 1 YEAR! And she did go back to work after 1 year (She gets to work part time.) She gets nursing breaks at work too where her nanny brings the baby to work and she nurses her. How awesome is that!

[Punchy Kaby]

The mother/child maternity leave situation is so much better in every nation as wealthy as ours. It is pitiful in the US. Now that I am in the work force, 'own' a home, pay taxes and have mostly gotten over the continual need to buy things I realize that the big motivator in our economy is to BUY THINGS. The reason most of us have to work (2 incomes households) is because housing costs are driven up by other 2 income families. People, me included, want THINGS. I think back in the 50's-60's life was more simple, people did not have perfect homes that they remodeled to their desires, 4 TVs, 2 cars, computers, costly extra curricular activities for the kids, vacations, the list goes on and on.

I am starting to meet more SAHM now that DS has activities. A lot of these moms had careers before they had kids and quit. DH and I both work varying hours, but I consider his job 3/4 time. He usually has the summer off and several weeks here and there throughout the year. It has been wonderful having him home for the kids, they love it, we love it and I know the kids have a special bond with him. We feel extremely lucky to have this. DH does have plans to get another part time job when the baby is a little older so we can put away more money. Right now we are barely eeking by with our mortgage(we live in a high COL city as well) and day care costs, we have very little saved for retirement.

I love my career, but dislike my job. I feel cornered, like I have no choices.

That is Nice-have you considered taking nutritional supplements? If you are vegetarian you could be severely sufficient in amino acids, B 12, iron, all things that meat provides. Also, fish oil (DHA) is needed for brain development (and use ). I take fish oil everyday, it definitely helps my brain concentrate.

It sounds like you have some serious issues to consider in your personal life-your DH sounds like he wanted a room mate to share life expenses with, not have a life partner to love unconditionally. Will you ever feel safe and loved (and will your child) in this kind of environment?

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by mambera

My mom has a successful career and raised 3 children. I guess I saw that as the norm and therefore didn't realize quite how tough it is. I've always had a lot of respect for my mom but I have even more now that I'm navigating this road myself.

It sounds like your mom is really deserving of your respect. Some women do make it look easy, but I am willing to bet it's not easy for them. What a great resource you have to draw on your mom's experience and knowledge and advice. And what a great role model/mentor. That is really lucky.

My mother never worked. She was not educated. She was also a single mom, with no money. And yet that never motivated her to work. We were very impoverished and it was a really dreadful childhood with access to almost nothing and many times we didn't have enough food and heat. I really, really wanted her to work. Everyone in her family wanted her to work because they felt she needed to be self-sufficient. So, I'm certain that colors my world a bit, right, but probably not to the extent that my husband thinks. He thinks I don't want to work because of my mother and what she has been her whole life. And I've only not wanted to work two times in my life - immediately following the birth of my child and when I was breastfeeding, and then, from time to time now as I try to figure out how to live with DH's long hours and his - cluelessness? turning the other cheek? I don't know what it is, exactly - when it comes to helping me out with work and child. It's always when I have travel or a really exhausting series of meetings or something or I start missing a lot of child related events because of work.

The rest of my life I always worked my butt off - in college I put myself through school and worked the entire time, I really worked hard to build a career after college, and I'm working really hard now trying to balance everything so I'm really just, well, fed up with my husband and the things he says about my work ethic. I'm not my mother and a woman who wants to stay at home with a newborn shouldn't have her work ethic questioned. Like these other posters below, what should be questioned is the sorry shape of maternity leave in this country where a woman has to make such heart wrenching "choices."

Originally Posted by kindergirl77

I think whether an educated woman chooses to SAH depends on a lot of things. Her husband or partner's income, their debt, student loans, quality of life they are used to living, mortgage, and mainly their child-raising philosophies. Some women would rather go bankrupt, lose their home, and move in with family than go back to work. They are THAT committed to SAH because of their beliefs.

I agree that it is easier for non-professional women to SAH. I think the women who DO have an education are under a lot more pressure to USE their degrees, especially so if they have student debt. (That is my situation). And knowing that they could help provide a 'better' life for their families using their education is a big reason women choose to work. The question is what constitutes a better life- that is debatable.
And many women don't have a choice. They HAVE to work to make ends meet. And that is what makes me very upset about our society. We live in a 2-income society that (as a pp said) doesn't value children and sees them as burdens. We get very little Maternity leave in the US. And most women CANT have the choice to SAH anymore. There is little choice. Not with the housing costs, not in this economy.

It is only because my DH makes 100K that I was able to stay home for 5 years- and that wasn't even enough- I had to take on babysitting jobs and watched a neighbor's baby full time in order for me to stay at home (we also live in Southern CA). Now my kids are school age and I want to go back.
My cousin, who lives in Germany, is a very educated lawyer and she gets 1 year off and her employer must still hold her job for her if she decides to come back. 1 YEAR! And she did go back to work after 1 year (She gets to work part time.) She gets nursing breaks at work too where her nanny brings the baby to work and she nurses her. How awesome is that!

This is such a good post. It really, really gets at the issue here. THIS, above, is exactly what I'm talking about. The example of the lawyer and her options in Germany should be standard! A woman who takes a year to be with her baby should not have to jeopardize her career...ever! Seriously, if you go to college for 4 years, then law school for 3, then practice for a while, then take one year off, why should your work ethic be questioned, your career jeopardized, or your motives at work be any different than they were before?

Originally Posted by Punchy Kaby

The mother/child maternity leave situation is so much better in every nation as wealthy as ours. It is pitiful in the US. Now that I am in the work force, 'own' a home, pay taxes and have mostly gotten over the continual need to buy things I realize that the big motivator in our economy is to BUY THINGS. The reason most of us have to work (2 incomes households) is because housing costs are driven up by other 2 income families. People, me included, want THINGS. I think back in the 50's-60's life was more simple, people did not have perfect homes that they remodeled to their desires, 4 TVs, 2 cars, computers, costly extra curricular activities for the kids, vacations, the list goes on and on.

I am starting to meet more SAHM now that DS has activities. A lot of these moms had careers before they had kids and quit. DH and I both work varying hours, but I consider his job 3/4 time. He usually has the summer off and several weeks here and there throughout the year. It has been wonderful having him home for the kids, they love it, we love it and I know the kids have a special bond with him. We feel extremely lucky to have this. DH does have plans to get another part time job when the baby is a little older so we can put away more money. Right now we are barely eeking by with our mortgage(we live in a high COL city as well) and day care costs, we have very little saved for retirement.

I love my career, but dislike my job. I feel cornered, like I have no choices.

That is Nice-have you considered taking nutritional supplements? If you are vegetarian you could be severely sufficient in amino acids, B 12, iron, all things that meat provides. Also, fish oil (DHA) is needed for brain development (and use ). I take fish oil everyday, it definitely helps my brain concentrate.

It sounds like you have some serious issues to consider in your personal life-your DH sounds like he wanted a room mate to share life expenses with, not have a life partner to love unconditionally. Will you ever feel safe and loved (and will your child) in this kind of environment?

Thank you for this post. I thank you for really understanding my own personal situation, which is part political as we have all been discussing and part DH-attitude.

I take good supplements and try to eat really well...I don't know what is going on...I just don't feel good anymore at all and I haven't for quite some time. I think it might be the enormous stress and sadness I feel with basically every word and action towards me coming from H. As I said before, Mondays are my worst days at work and it's because, I think, I'm coming off a weekend where I'm sure DH called me a B at some point for some thing EVERY single weekend. It is so hard living with him, so incredibly draining. I am so tired of his circular, indignant arguements about everything. Tonight, just a small, small example, I asked him to sweep the floor, which really needed it, and he did, but he was taking the broom and sweeping it with broad, long strokes like he had no idea how to really sweep, and maybe he doesn't, and he was lofting the dirt and particles into the air and across the floor, spreading most of it around even more. He was doing this, probably, because in his mind it's more efficient and sweeps everything faster if you go longer distances, and he could be done in double time.

It was a totally wrong, and child-like way to sweep, really, and I know I might actually sound like the B he thinks I am. So, help me. How do you react if your H flubs things - either deliberately to speed things up so he doesn't have to be sweeping or cleaning for that long of a time, or unintentionally because he really doesn't know how to sweep and hasn't listened to you or learned in over 10 years of marriage? It's so frustrating. At first, I said something like please don't sweep that way, it spreads the dirt and particles across longer distances and into the air so it's not really cleaning it's just spreading it around. Sweep in smaller brushes and direct it toward the dust pan or a pile, then pick it up with the dust pan. And DH says, it doesn't matter how you sweep as long as you do it. Sweeping is sweeping, and continued to argue about the angles and efficiencies of his sweeping and why the trajectory was this or that. I get so frustrated. This is so classic of how he operates and our exchanges. I can't tell. Is he not listening and doing these things because of his linear thinking very techocratic brain, or because he really does have Asperger's as I've continued to suspect as a possibility all these years, or because he really just wants to bug me and be a jerk, or because he really thinks his way to do it is the best way even if it's counter to how I've seen anyone else sweep, how a housekeeper would sweep upon hire, or how they demonstrate sweeping in broom/mop commercials. Seriously. DH's sweeping just made the room messier. It would have been easier, in the long run, to do it myself, and it's this way with everything!

Do I just say, thanks for sweeping, honey? And nicely overlook how he does everything? I truly think it might be that he is so lazy he find the quickest and easiest way to do anything he doesn't give a care about, and sweeping is one of them.

[Peepsqueak]

Originally Posted by Punchy Kaby

The mother/child maternity leave situation is so much better in every nation as wealthy as ours. It is pitiful in the US. Now that I am in the work force, 'own' a home, pay taxes and have mostly gotten over the continual need to buy things I realize that the big motivator in our economy is to BUY THINGS. The reason most of us have to work (2 incomes households) is because housing costs are driven up by other 2 income families. People, me included, want THINGS. I think back in the 50's-60's life was more simple, people did not have perfect homes that they remodeled to their desires, 4 TVs, 2 cars, computers, costly extra curricular activities for the kids, vacations, the list goes on and on.

I am starting to meet more SAHM now that DS has activities. A lot of these moms had careers before they had kids and quit. DH and I both work varying hours, but I consider his job 3/4 time. He usually has the summer off and several weeks here and there throughout the year. It has been wonderful having him home for the kids, they love it, we love it and I know the kids have a special bond with him. We feel extremely lucky to have this. DH does have plans to get another part time job when the baby is a little older so we can put away more money. Right now we are barely eeking by with our mortgage(we live in a high COL city as well) and day care costs, we have very little saved for retirement.

I love my career, but dislike my job. I feel cornered, like I have no choices.

That is Nice-have you considered taking nutritional supplements? If you are vegetarian you could be severely sufficient in amino acids, B 12, iron, all things that meat provides. Also, fish oil (DHA) is needed for brain development (and use ). I take fish oil everyday, it definitely helps my brain concentrate.

It sounds like you have some serious issues to consider in your personal life-your DH sounds like he wanted a room mate to share life expenses with, not have a life partner to love unconditionally. Will you ever feel safe and loved (and will your child) in this kind of environment?

You have hit this nail right on the head. Many husbands expect wives to work and it is no longer a choice. Just like when it was no longer a choice to stay at home in the older generations of (middle class) women.

I think many of the European countries have figured this family/work life thing out a lot better than America because they value the family as well as the careers of both genders. America is just too greedy.

[CatsCradle]

Hi TIN, I haven't had time to read all the posts in your thread, so please forgive me if I what I say is repetitive.

My own work is very mentally taxing. In preparing to write a brief, I will spend days reading and researching, and then spend a good portion of time just thinking and analyzing. It requires chunks of time with no distractions. For this reason, I have difficulty working at home with family underfoot because I really need to be able to focus. Consequently, I really have to get a lot of work done in my office in very short amounts of time, which tends to stress me out.

My brain has been muddy for about 3.5 years (same age as DD!). Recently, I have felt like I'm starting to gain some mental clarity. The biggest culprit for me was stress. I tended to internalize a lot and wouldn't do anything about my situation until I was on the verge of explosion. My DH is a great parenting and household partner, but for me, the stress of always being "on" for everyone in my life (firm included) can really take its toll.

One thing that helped me was to downsize my expectations. Pre-child, I did a lot of pro bono work and writing for the sake of writing and getting published. These things, while not required, are highly encouraged in my field and are important in my development as a professional. Post-child, I had to let these things go. In my personal life, I had to let a lot go too. I used to run a lot and participate in marathons. Not for now. At first these things bothered me, but now I realize that DD is young for such a short while, and she is my priority at the moment. I figure I have another 40 years to do what I need to do as far as professional development. Letting go of stuff during this short window is best for me and my family.

That being said, I see a lot of inequities in the field in which I practice. I work for a large firm. In my particular practice group, I am the only female. Every single colleague of mine (save the one unmarried male colleague) all have stay-at-home parents. Although my firm is family-friendly, I do think it is difficult for those who don't have major parenting and household responsibilities to understand the stress of colleagues that do. Maybe the inequities are self-imposed, I don't know. I don't see any of my male colleagues rushing about to achieve the same level of work. They can stay until 8 pm if they need to. They can go out to lunch and they can chat casually with each other. I've noticed, however, that the moms who work in my firm are very particular about how they spend their time and they are rarely seen in a social context. I mean, I didn't understand pre-child how difficult it could be to achieve some kind of balance. I could focus for as long as I wanted at the task at hand. Not trying to single out men here, but in my experience and from what I've observed, moms really are the ones who end up doing the balancing.

For me, however, it has gotten easier as DD gets older. I don't know if its her age or if I'm just getting better at handling things. Maybe I'm mellowing, and maybe that's why my brain is starting to return. Stress can be toxic.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by CatsCradle

Hi TIN, I haven't had time to read all the posts in your thread, so please forgive me if I what I say is repetitive.

My own work is very mentally taxing. In preparing to write a brief, I will spend days reading and researching, and then spend a good portion of time just thinking and analyzing. It requires chunks of time with no distractions. For this reason, I have difficulty working at home with family underfoot because I really need to be able to focus. Consequently, I really have to get a lot of work done in my office in very short amounts of time, which tends to stress me out.

My brain has been muddy for about 3.5 years (same age as DD!). Recently, I have felt like I'm starting to gain some mental clarity. The biggest culprit for me was stress. I tended to internalize a lot and wouldn't do anything about my situation until I was on the verge of explosion. My DH is a great parenting and household partner, but for me, the stress of always being "on" for everyone in my life (firm included) can really take its toll.

One thing that helped me was to downsize my expectations. Pre-child, I did a lot of pro bono work and writing for the sake of writing and getting published. These things, while not required, are highly encouraged in my field and are important in my development as a professional. Post-child, I had to let these things go. In my personal life, I had to let a lot go too. I used to run a lot and participate in marathons. Not for now. At first these things bothered me, but now I realize that DD is young for such a short while, and she is my priority at the moment. I figure I have another 40 years to do what I need to do as far as professional development. Letting go of stuff during this short window is best for me and my family.

That being said, I see a lot of inequities in the field in which I practice. I work for a large firm. In my particular practice group, I am the only female. Every single colleague of mine (save the one unmarried male colleague) all have stay-at-home parents. Although my firm is family-friendly, I do think it is difficult for those who don't have major parenting and household responsibilities to understand the stress of colleagues that do. I mean, I didn't understand pre-child how difficult it could be to achieve some kind of balance. I could focus for as long as I wanted at the task at hand.

For me, however, it has gotten easier as DD gets older. I don't know if its her age or if I'm just getting better at handling things. Maybe I'm mellowing, and maybe that's why my brain is starting to return. Stress can be toxic.

Thank you so much. And good luck with juggling everything. It sounds like you've got a good plan and you know that this level of difficulty won't last forever.

I think it's often very difficult for women in the field of law when they have children, probably moreso than most fields, and moreso than mine. Presentations and travel are what gives me the most stress at work, so I can imagine writing briefs and defending them would be even harder. I know what you mean about finding the time to concentrate to write and think where there are no distractions.

I do a lot of analysis and writing in my work, and some days I work at home, with my child in the background. It's more challenging than I can express so I hear you.

[CatsCradle]

I think it's often very difficult for women in the field of law when they have children, probably moreso than most fields, and moreso than mine. Presentations and travel are what gives me the most stress at work, so I can imagine writing briefs and defending them would be even harder.

It's all really subjective. I don't have to travel and frankly, I don't think I would handle it very well if I had to do that. So, don't underestimate your personal stressors!

[Teenytoona]

Originally Posted by lolar2

I was reading a book yesterday called Getting to 50/50, which asserted that mothers, at least professional mothers, are sometimes given more-difficult work or more-difficult workloads, because employers feel that mothers should prove their loyalty to the job. The assertion was based on some kind of study though I hadn't looked at the study, and I don't know how rigorous it was-- also it was from 2004, and who knows if it is still valid. It's at http://www.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyT...405130482.html but I don't want to pay the $30! But anyway, if you returned to the same job after maternity leave and it seems harder now-- or if you are at a different job but you seem to be getting more-difficult assignments than you should or than the non-mothers in your workplace-- it's worth considering if maybe it's not "mommy brain" to blame.

My work has continued to be about the same post baby as pre baby.

[Hannah32]

It is kind of fascinating to think about how the US as a society reached this point, where parental leave is so pitiful and these problems so common. A huge part of it is our government's housing policies. The most common way to build wealth in a middle class household is to buy a home. The government subsidizes/creates this reality by exempting mortgage interest from taxable income, thereby effectly subsidizes homeownership. Thus, prices go up because it's one of the few paths towards financial security. Hence, now two partners need to work.

It's easy to say: Just don't buy a house. We're not buying one here. But that's because we don't have the OPTION of two incomes. Hubby can't find work. Honestly, I would work and be willing to do the day care option if my hubby could find a good paying job. It's not that I want granite countertops and a huge yard. But without a home, what will be my nest egg? We save aggressively, but the same numbers aren't going to materialize, particularly when we pay a lot in rent.

It's quite a conundrum. Much history and social policy has gotten us to this point. And it will take major shifts in attitude to change things. Sadly, I don't think that will happen. People will just work more (even if they are zombies from trying to care for children) and we'll continue to work more and live less than all others in industrialized nations.

[_ktg_]

TIN - this has been such a great thread, and its brought out so many good ideas and discussion points.

One item has stuck with me from a PP and it was that the job will never love you back. It has taken me 8 years to figure that little gem out. 8 YEARS...

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Hannah32

It is kind of fascinating to think about how the US as a society reached this point, where parental leave is so pitiful and these problems so common. A huge part of it is our government's housing policies. The most common way to build wealth in a middle class household is to buy a home. The government subsidizes/creates this reality by exempting mortgage interest from taxable income, thereby effectly subsidizes homeownership. Thus, prices go up because it's one of the few paths towards financial security. Hence, now two partners need to work.

It's quite a conundrum. Much history and social policy has gotten us to this point. And it will take major shifts in attitude to change things. Sadly, I don't think that will happen. People will just work more (even if they are zombies from trying to care for children) and we'll continue to work more and live less than all others in industrialized nations.

This is a really good post. Really good. Thanks for adding to the discussion with such good food for thought.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by _ktg_

TIN - this has been such a great thread, and its brought out so many good ideas and discussion points.

One item has stuck with me from a PP and it was that the job will never love you back. It has taken me 8 years to figure that little gem out. 8 YEARS...

So, so true. Thank you for posting. I've worked and left enough jobs (not a lot but enough) to know they don't love you back. I've put in a lot of hard work and gotten no love back, I've put in a lot of hard work and gotten a raise or a resume builder out of it, but no love, that's for sure.

Then again, on the other side of the coin, my kid isn't going to pay my bills.