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Why do I find being a mom so hard?? - Page 3

post #41 of 53
You know I hope this doesn't sound bad but I totally understand where you are coming from and posts like this make me feel better! Being a mother is such a hard job. My girls are 20 months apart and I have had some really really rough days. I finally got to the point where I couldn't take waking up each day just dreading the chaos, the sibling fights, the messes, the dog, etc. So I just decided that I am going to be as calm as I can but try to not be too hard on myself. We do the best that we can. If our children are well fed, bathed, loved, and have social and physical outlets I think we are doing a pretty darn good job! We don't have to be perfect and we can't! Some of us have kiddos that are quiet and easy and some (like myself) have two little wild girls that go go go until they drop. Each circumstance is different. I don't think that just being a calm Mom neccessarily makes someone a great Mom.

I think that the more we can talk openly like this about Motherhood the better. When all I hear is about how blissfully happy and zen SAHM's are and how they do arts and crafts all day in their sparkling clean home and then at night when the LO's are asleep they crochet a blanket and read a whole novel I feel like a failure. I feel like why is this so hard and stressful for me?! I think that more often than not all Mom's have stressful days but don't like to talk about it for fear of being singled out as a bad mom or not being a "natural" mom. The thing is that all we can do is our best. Think about your own childhood. Was your Mom perfect? Probably not. I know my own Mom worked very hard and she still was far from perfect and had patience and anger issues.



We are all in this together.
post #42 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by kdescalzi View Post
I have a 3yr ds and a 9mo dd and everyday is so hard for me. DD is always in arms and nursing day and night and ds is just so active and trying. I try so hard to be patient and loving but I fail everyday. I wake in the morning with a mantra Patience/Peace/Presence....I have great intentions on being patient with the ongoing whining from both of them and the constant "Mommy mommy mommy" but by 8am I am already gritting my teeth and getting angry. I want to be that zen mom but I can't and everynight I go to bed feeling like such a failure. How can I be so bad at mothering when I love them with all my soul??? I don't know how to be more patient and peaceful...what can I do??
Haven't read the whole thread yet - but I had to say... this is me. Most days I think I should have forgone having children, and stuck to dogs. Don't get me wrong, I feel blessed to have them (and love them desperately) but I question my ability to parent them well. It's tough and sad, and I'm in counseling trying to work it out, but it's not easy.
post #43 of 53
^I feel that way often. I just feel sometimes that parenting does not come as easily to me as it did for my Mom or some other people. I try hard not to compare myself but it is tough.

post #44 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beautiful~Life View Post

When all I hear is about how blissfully happy and zen SAHM's are and how they do arts and crafts all day in their sparkling clean home and then at night when the LO's are asleep they crochet a blanket and read a whole novel I feel like a failure. I feel like why is this so hard and stressful for me?!
I agree so much with this! I'm "friends" with a mom on Facebook whose updates are constantly things like "Painted the kitchen today!" "Finished boys' quilts today; will start two more tomorrow!" And I'm not making these up.

But I think for most of us, the reality is SOOOO much different. I have found this thread to be really honest and liberating...I'm glad that I am not the only one who honestly has questioned whether I am even cut out for this.

To add to all the great replies, something I've found helpful is to read books/blogs that highlight trying to find the beauty in the everyday. Motherhood can be insanely tedious and mundane, but in the words of one of my close mother friends, I try to make my home a "mommy monastery"...simple surroundings, chants on CD, copious amounts of coffee/tea, lots of mindfulness and a slowed down life.

Hugs, Mama...there are so many of us thinking the same thoughts!
post #45 of 53
Breathe. That is my only advice.

I came into parenthood with a really short fuse. When my first child was colicky and screamy, and I felt my blood begin to boil, I breathed. When he whines because he doesn't want to put on his jacket, I breathe. When he screams at me because he isn't getting what he wants, I breathe. You get the picture.

That's the only thing that helps me when I'm in the moment. It is hard, hard, hard and you don't have to do it perfectly or even gracefully. You just do the best you can.
post #46 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beautiful~Life View Post
You know I hope this doesn't sound bad but I totally understand where you are coming from and posts like this make me feel better! Being a mother is such a hard job.
post #47 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carolyn R View Post
I agree so much with this! I'm "friends" with a mom on Facebook whose updates are constantly things like "Painted the kitchen today!" "Finished boys' quilts today; will start two more tomorrow!" And I'm not making these up.

But I think for most of us, the reality is SOOOO much different. I have found this thread to be really honest and liberating...I'm glad that I am not the only one who honestly has questioned whether I am even cut out for this.

To add to all the great replies, something I've found helpful is to read books/blogs that highlight trying to find the beauty in the everyday. Motherhood can be insanely tedious and mundane, but in the words of one of my close mother friends, I try to make my home a "mommy monastery"...simple surroundings, chants on CD, copious amounts of coffee/tea, lots of mindfulness and a slowed down life.

Hugs, Mama...there are so many of us thinking the same thoughts!

This. I have a mama on my facebook that is always cooking all these elaborate meals from scratch, canning tomatoes, knitting things, etc. And she has three kids, while I'm sitting over here with two feeling like

to the OP, and to all you mamas going through a rough time! I know I am...my ds is going to be 4 in May and my dd is almost 7 months. I FEEL your pain! I was ok (and I mean just ok, not great) at handling things when ds was two and it was just the two of us. As grateful as I am for our precious DD, I can honestly say that I have NOT handled this transition well. I have been so...unlike me in the past few months, especially towards ds, who is extremely spirited and has been LOVING finding my every button and pushing it several times. Sigh....I feel like it's getting better though, incrementally. I'm just taking it one day at a time, trying really hard to not get overwhelmed with the house, and trying to be gentle with myself. I really like becoming's advice of giving up on being patient and calm, but just focusing on not being mean. We can only do so much you know? And I think that's a good start.

Not much advice, I guess, just wanted you to know there is another mama out there going through something very similar.
post #48 of 53
post #49 of 53
to OP: I have no words of wisdom, but my friends and I laugh at this little saying of mine:

"Every day I wake up, determined to be the perfect mother, and every night I go to bed, sure I'm going to hell for being such a bad mom."

Being a mom is really, really, REALLY hard. Did I mention how hard it is? DANG it's hard. s
post #50 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beautiful~Life View Post
We do the best that we can. If our children are well fed, bathed, loved, and have social and physical outlets I think we are doing a pretty darn good job! We don't have to be perfect and we can't! Some of us have kiddos that are quiet and easy and some (like myself) have two little wild girls that go go go until they drop. Each circumstance is different. I don't think that just being a calm Mom neccessarily makes someone a great Mom.

I think that the more we can talk openly like this about Motherhood the better. When all I hear is about how blissfully happy and zen SAHM's are and how they do arts and crafts all day in their sparkling clean home and then at night when the LO's are asleep they crochet a blanket and read a whole novel I feel like a failure. I feel like why is this so hard and stressful for me?! I think that more often than not all Mom's have stressful days but don't like to talk about it for fear of being singled out as a bad mom or not being a "natural" mom. The thing is that all we can do is our best. Think about your own childhood. Was your Mom perfect? Probably not. I know my own Mom worked very hard and she still was far from perfect and had patience and anger issues.



We are all in this together.
This. This. This!
post #51 of 53
I feel the same way. I feel like a failure as a mother much of the time...especially with my *almost* 8 year old. She is such a difficult child, having behavioral issues that I have NO idea how to handle.
post #52 of 53
I'm new here, so I hope I'm not breaking any rules, but I want to just throw out the option of anti-depressants. It's TOTALLY normal for mom's to be sad, angry, frustrated, guilty, at their wits end, etc. It's an incredibly difficult job. I just don't want to invalidate any bad feelings you're having because I know how it can make you want to pull your hair out. The other posters here have offered excellent suggestions. If I were in your shoes I would probably try them all out before going the medical route. But please don't sacrifice yourself for some ideal.

I speak from personal experience. I know what it's like to KNOW that you're not crazy! You have good reasons for feeling this way! If people really knew how bad things/I am they would understand why I feel this way. I don't want to put chemicals in body. Everybody else can do it but I can't. What do they know that I don't? What do they have that I don't? Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough.

I also know what it's like to get to the place where doing it this way just isn't working anymore.

PPD is common and can start anytime within the first year after a baby's birth. If everything else doesn't work, then I suggest visiting your doctor. If you take an anti-depressant and it works I can tell you the first thing that will pop in your head: What the #@%* was I waiting for??? If you try it and you don't need it after all then you just stop taking it. No harm, no foul. If it works for you it doesn't mean you'll have to be on them forever. And it doesn't mean you weren't cut out to be a mom. The natural way to raise children is in a group setting. I guarantee there was more than one native woman who had PPD and dealt with it by shuffling her kids off to the closest woman around. We don't have that luxury today. You don't have to cry yourself to sleep every night. You don't have to dread each day.

Like I said, your feelings are normal, even for someone without PPD. I just want to throw that out there because I wasted so much of my time being miserable when I didn't have to be; I could have been happy old me. I don't want anyone else to lose that precious time. HTH!
post #53 of 53
I read the whole thread and it sounds more like this is a sleep issue. OP and the baby aren't getting the sleep they need to revitalize themselves. I think the boob as a paci needs to be addressed. Take a weekend and just focus on that...like potty training. Have you checked out the sleeping thread?

I bet the minute you sleep 6 hrs straight, you will feel so differently. Literally, all the whining will roll off you, for the most part

The 3 yr old...well that is normal.
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