Anyone wanna clear some fear?

[Crispie]

I just thought it's about that time, at least for me. I want to open the door to anyone who wants to participate, past trauma/loss moms, first timers, no difference, if you have a fear, let's take the power out of it by letting it go here!

I've been really sick the last few days. They diagnosed me with "mild pneumonia/severe bronchitis" they couldn't be specific because I declined a chest x-ray due to the fact that the treatment would have been the same. Since I'm not running fever, they didn't want to hospitalize me. I got sent home on antibiotics and was told to take OTC cough syrup. I'm glad they didn't give me a bunch of narcotics or push the hospital.

I'm feeling alot better, relatively quickly, but nothing like illness make the brain buzz...I've been really morbid lately, and there are some "things" I want to just turn around and look at straight in the face if you know what I mean? so here goes:

~I've been really sick and desperate. I'm not really happy that I took some of the cough syrup I took. It's class C stuff, just simple Robotussin and such, but I still worry

~Our 20 week u/s, I was going to skip but had a nagging voice that said to check her heart. Her heart looked awesome, but they didn't view feet-or they said in the report "feet not visualized." I am sure that we saw feet when we did the quicky "for fun" gender u/s with our midwife, and pretty sure the tech saw feet during this u/s but baby was moving so much I think she didn't get what she wanted enough to put in the report. So, it's lurking. I'm knitting booties and I keep thinking about her precious feet...or lack there of I am NOT going to subject her or me to another u/s, and there are so many other things that could be worse that were fine in the viewing so I'm trying to let it go.

~My last son was our first homebirth, and he was born as a near fatal cord accident. His cord was triple wrapped around his neck and apgars were 2 and then 3. We transferred immediately after birth and spent 3 weeks in NICU. He's almost two now, and the last of the "follow ups" done, he is (finally) considered "normal." We had to wait for walking, talking etc before they would "clear him" I was assured the cord issue was not due to any failure on anyones part to catch any signs, that even an OB/Gyn would have missed it, thus my confidence in another home birth with the same awesome midwifes who sprung into immediate action. All this hidden equipment materialized in my own home so fast and it really hit me how much midwifes truly are "medical professionals" when need be!
Anyway, I'm trying to condense here, but it's so intense...I visualize this new baby. I'm trying to give her her own story and put nothing on it. It is hard to let go of past experience and allow today to be today. But I picture that birth tub in my room, and him on my chest so new and so very silent and still...that little dark blue arm rolling down into the water with no muscle tone and I just feel every cell in my body dig it's heels in and turn against me. I already talked to the midwives about doing something different...as far as a different room to birth in, or somehow changing things up. I'm not sure how to go about that part of it (for many reasons-my room has bathroom attached, other kids to think about etc) but I do know that I can not repeat the same scene, even if I seem to come to terms with it.
At the same time, after peer reviewing our case with other midwives and looking back on and scrutinizing my chart the only things we can think of that were indicators that he was in trouble were less movement than other pregnancies of mine and a really intense claustrophobia the last two weeks prior to his birth. Well, so now I'm all about movement and want this little girl to kick. all. the. time. Then I feel guilty for putting demands on her even if they are just mental. I keep asking myself if I feel claustrophobic and I don't want to make myself feel that way be being neurotic! I'm having trouble letting it all go and letting it be what it is!

And of course I pick up stories that bite me in the butt later when I am obsessing: the surprise downs baby in another ddc, someone in this ddc is struggling with cord issues again after losing a child, etc...I so want to just hug those mamas and give them comfort, and at the same time it scares the crap out of me thinking about my own pregnancy and what's going on.

In my heart, she is who she is and I know I am totally powerless over how this story comes to be. But the lack of knowing, the lack of control, the questions for infinity are just so deafening loud sometimes. Like a mama TTC with no luck I keep asking is it really so awful to just want a normal baby and a normal birth? God I miss the innocence of my first pregnancies, the days of bliss, before miscarriages, before losing a fallopian tube, before our birth trauma, before we snagged some of the statistics and made them our own.

I will find my zen. It is there somewhere. I just have to muddle through this craziness, honor it for what it is and move on. Looking it in the face always makes me cry. I have to give it a time limit, let it all out and then put it away and move on. Per a suggestion I picked up somewhere, I am going to light a candle for all these reasons during my birthing and that will be my place to move this energy to during that time.

Of course there are other thoughts, but nothing as lurking as this stuff.

SO! Anyone else need to just let it out? What's lurking? Spill it here so you can put it away later! I KNOW I'm not the only one who needed this thread-jump in-

[organicpapayamama]

I hear ya mama. Its good to get it out of your system. I have a few worries of my own:

~So I find that this pregnancy Im always wet down there (sorry tmi). I guess more cm or something. I always worry that my water has broken so I check ALL. THE. TIME.

~I had slight bleeding with ds around 20ish weeks and although it was nothing major any sight of blood in pregnancy freaks me the heck out. So I analyze the tp every time I used the bathroom (which is a lot) to see if there is any blood

~Im still worried in the back of my mind about the nuchal fold measurement being on the large side. I know statistically its less than .1% that DD2 will have downs, its still a worry and I wont know till she is born

~Anytime baby girl is still I worry something happened. I have heard to many stories and have had too many close friends lose their baby late in pregnancy. I always panic and have to bust out my doppler

~DS had the cord wrapped around his neck twice, it wasnt an issue at all. But I worry it could happen again but this time with a worse outcome.

~last but not least I worry about breastfeeding. It was pretty much a failure with ds so I am obsessed about making it work this time. I can visualize everything I will do right now and I see myself succeeding but there is that tiny voice of doubt in the back of my mind.

I hate thinking about all these horrible things that "could" happen but those worries are there. Ive already lost one child I dont think I could live through it again. I just cant wait till I have her in my arms safe and sound.

[emnic77]

The surprise downs syndrome in that other ddc has been on my mind a lot the last couple days. I did no screening, and I'm fine with that - obviously, the screening sometimes doesn't matter. I'm terrified of what my reaction would be and how we would cope if this baby has DS.

A close friend of mine had a homebirth after an emergency c-section with her son, who was born just a few days after my DD. They were like siblings, until the moved out of state a few years ago. I was at her homebirth for her DD, watching her DS. Her dd was born brain dead after 4 hours of pushing. I watched an EMT carry her tiny body out to the ambulance, I will never forget that. She was taken off life support 8 days later.

The midwife was somewhat at fault, there were decels during those 4 hours that indicated something was amiss, but she assured my friend it was nothing to worry about. This is why I didn't have a homebirth with DS, I just emotionally couldn't get past this (though logically, I could). It took 8 years for me to put this behind me enough to be confident in homebirth, but as the birth day gets closer I have to keep letting go of that fear over and over again, I feel it creeping in. I spent so much time with my friend afterwards, just sitting with her and being with her, and I was in awe of how strong she was. I don't know that I could be that strong in those circumstances.

I also chose a midwife that I knew was not practicing in this area at the time my friend's DD was born, because I don't remember her name and I was afraid that it would be the same midwife. I think that the midwife I canceled my first appointment with was her.

[Crispie]

OPM: Isn't it nuts how no matter how tiny the percentages your brain can go hog wild? I KNOW I saw feet. I have pictures that I'm pretty sure SHOW feet...and yet. *sigh*

emnic: Thank you for sharing that story. That must have been so hard! I am one of those mama's that goes straight into detachment mode. I cried and everything and was sad at what was happening to our home birth and of course with worry over my baby. But I never processed it all til much later. Still am I guess you could say! I think you are so brave to come back to home birth and hope that we both can have a very healing happy birth this go round!

I know in my head that we just happen to be on the front line when the tiniest of statistics roared...it's just getting the heart to grasp it that's hard!

[Jelinifer]

I'm still scared that this baby is going to be breech at birth and I'm going to be sectioned because of it.... no amount of Webster-Technique Chiro visits, daily inversions ala Spinningbabies, or obnoxious amounts of pelvic tilt exercises are helping with the worry.

When we were dealing with the infertility crap, I used to watch the same movies over and over, listen to the same music over and over, etc. to cope when things got really bad. The other day I heard one of "those songs" on the radio and flipped out- had a panic attack out of nowhere.... and it scared the crap out of me- I know you don't forget traumatic things, but I had somewhat hoped I would be able to handle the past now that we're finally pregnant and almost parents. This is our first baby and *know* I should be focused on this experience and worry about the future when it comes, but I'm really worried already after what happened the other day that I won't emotionally be able to handle TTC again because TTCing for this baby was so very emotionally hard on DH and I....... even though DH and I have wanted more kids after this baby if possible.

[Fly Girl]

I am worried about another shoulder dystocia. DD was born at home Oct. 08 with my wonderful team of midwives, my doula, and DH. My labor was perfect, pushing went well, but when her head came out her shoulders got stuck. I was in the water, was instructed to get out of the water, squatted and pushed and no baby. Onto hands and knees. No baby. My midwife made the decision to reach in and was able to pull DD's arm up which released her shoulder and she came right out. And she was absolutely perfect, cried right away. Apgars of 7 and 9. My midwife, doula and I were very calm through the whole thing but DH was freaking out. She was bigger than we expected but at 8lbs not huge by any means.
I know in my heart that both of us faired better because we were at home. I imagine in a hospital that I would have been cut, DD might have experienced trauma, there would have been more panic, and she probably would been taken away from me as she was checked. But I'm scared that it is going to happen again.
I have assembled the same awesome team of women to be with me for another homebirth. We have talked through my last birth and I've processed it as much as I can. But there is still this nagging fear. I worry that the dystocia happened because of the shape of my body and not because of DD's size or position during birth. I have been told my whole life from all the people in my family that I have narrow hips and childbirth is going to be hard for me. What if they are right? I hope and I pray that things will be different this time and that I can let go of the fear.

[namaste_mom]

I live in fear that this baby will die. No other fear exists in my head because the overwhelming fear that this one won't make it is always present. I lost my little one at 40 weeks exactly for no apparent reason. I dealt with the fear last pregnancy.

[Crispie]

I wish I could kick the box of tissues around the circle and give hugs to all us mamas! This is deep stuff! I feel a lot better after posting this today. I know it's not "over" by any means, but it feels good to give it a good hard look once in a while and stop trying to stuff it. It doesn't feel AS big, at least for today.

My other fear that tends to crop up later is the whole labor fear as far as pain, handling it, having it be right etc. I know that's a big one sometimes too Just want to encourage anyone with big or little fears, if they are there then lets face em together!

[Starfish11]

Crispie, the story part of your post really resonated with me. I constantly talk to the sea monkey about what his story will be. I think of life's moments as stories and am gripped by panic sometimes that I don't know outcomes...that I have to wait through scary emotions and events sometimes.

[mamaspirit]

I'm really glad you started this thread as this has been something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I agree that it would be awesome if we could sit in a circle and share our fears, pass the tissue and offer hugs and reassuring touches.

For some reason, I am extra afraid of a premature birth with this baby. Like the closer I get to 28 weeks the easier I breathe. I don't know why it's so strong. DS#2 was born at 34+ weeks, but that was due to unneeded interventions and incompetent doctors and nurses. My last pregnancy went to 38.5 weeks no problems whatsoever, so I know my body can do it.

The other thing that I am the most afraid of is having to transfer to the hospital... not because I fear another c-section, but I really fear them taking my baby out of my site and doing things to her that I don't know about and have no involvement with. My DS#2 was circumcized in the NICU without our consent... the doctor said he got the wrong chart and though he was another baby. I think he said that as an excuse, that he just wanted the practice because he was a resident. How can you get the wrong chart when the chart is always attatched to the bottom of the isolette? It was aweful to come and see my baby two hours later and wonder why he was so withdrawn and to go and change his diaper and find blood and a mutilated penis and I wasn't even there to comfort him!!! And he was without comfort for 2 hours after it happened! And they told us that even if we had wanted him to be circumcized they couldn't do it in the hospital because he didn't weigh enough! I still shake with rage when I talk about it. Dh can't even talk about it at all he is so angry.

I am afraid of having my baby in the hospital and having to fight to take home my placenta, having to fight to not have my baby vaxed, given eye ointment, poked and prodded, etc. Of being interupted at every moment from bonding, breastfeeding, etc.

And I am afraid that if I can't let go of my fears of another hospital birth that my homebirth won't happen, that it will be jinxed and I will have to transfer just because I can't let go of my fear!

I am also super afraid of being left alone... at home or at the hospital. With DS#2 Dh left the OR to go with our son, and I was left alone as they stitched me up and they left me alone in recovery... even the nurse stood behind this divider thingy. Even when they took me to the post partum unit they wouldn't let my mom in. She finally snuck past a nurse to get to my room. And than my last birth, I labored at home until DD turned sideways and we had to transfer. When they discovered that she had turned sideways and decided to transfer me, I was again left alone while everyone went off to get things together. I sat in terror at the thought of having to go to the hospital again for 15 minutes before my doula came back (she had actually left the house to get to the hospital ahead of us to prepare for us) because she wanted to be sure that I had someone with me at all times (bless her). I do not want to be alone!!!

And I am afraid that I will be judged for choosing a homebirth after having 2 c-sections.

[Kontessa]

I hope I am up to doing this soon with all you brave mothers!

[emnic77]

Originally Posted by mamaspirit

My DS#2 was circumcized in the NICU without our consent... the doctor said he got the wrong chart and though he was another baby. I think he said that as an excuse, that he just wanted the practice because he was a resident. How can you get the wrong chart when the chart is always attatched to the bottom of the isolette? It was aweful to come and see my baby two hours later and wonder why he was so withdrawn and to go and change his diaper and find blood and a mutilated penis and I wasn't even there to comfort him!!! And he was without comfort for 2 hours after it happened! And they told us that even if we had wanted him to be circumcized they couldn't do it in the hospital because he didn't weigh enough! I still shake with rage when I talk about it. Dh can't even talk about it at all he is so angry.

Oh holy crap. I can't imagine how furious and enraged and sad I would be if this happened. I am so, so SO sorry this happened. I really hope you pursued legal action with the hospital. That is unacceptable.

[mamaspirit]

We didn't have a lot of energy after his birth... we mentioned to our doctor that we thought about pursuing legal action, soon after our $90,000 bill (that's what was left over after insurance) disapeared and we owed nothing, so we let it go. Of course now I wish we had pursued something, as there were several wrongs that happened. This was at a state of the art university hospital!

[emnic77]

Originally Posted by mamaspirit

We didn't have a lot of energy after his birth... we mentioned to our doctor that we thought about pursuing legal action, soon after our $90,000 bill (that's what was left over after insurance) disapeared and we owed nothing, so we let it go. Of course now I wish we had pursued something, as there were several wrongs that happened. This was at a state of the art university hospital!

I can understand that.

I still probably would've punched the doctor in the face and dealt with the assault charge afterwards, and I'm 100% serious.
Ugh, that just infuriates me. I feel sick for you, I can't even imagine.

For you mamas that are dealing with past losses, my heart goes out to you. It's beyond the realm of my comprehension to be able to imagine what that feels like, and I wish none of you ever had to know it.

[DeChRi]

Good thread. I feel pretty blessed and very gracious after reading some of the things you ladies have been through.

I have a fear that I have had two wonderfully healthy girls and that I am due for some tramatic upset. Like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

With my first (I was barely 20) I knew I wanted a natural birth. I was strong armed the whole way by a male OB that eventually lost his license, years later. It took me half a day to get to 4cm. OB checked me and borke my water without consent. 30 min later I was in horrid pain, throwing up, and I asked the nurse to check me. She said I was only 30 min since last check and that I should expect several more hours of labor. I remember thinking....if I am this much of a weenie at 4cm, I will never make it. The nurse encouraged a epidural. I said okay. He got as far as getting the catheter in my back and I told him to stop because I had to push. The anesthesioloigst stopped and the nuse came in and said I was 4cm less than an hour ago and that it is just the baby moving down, told the anesthesiologist to go ahead, and left. He started the meds and left for a min. A minute later DH walked around the edge of the bed and hollered "I SEE HER HEAD COMING OUT!!". The nurse came in, shut down the epidural which luckily had not kicked in at all yet, and told me not to push. Dr came in, and although DD was coming right out, he cut an episiotomy without asking and I pushed once and out she came. She nursed great, had great apgars, we went home the next day and it was just fine. I made it through with not pain relief. BUT....I am pissed that my water was broke and I was given an episiotomy without consent. I feel like I was trusting my body and was strong-armed into the epidural because they didn't listen to me.

The second time (8yrs later), new OB, my water broke and a day later no contrax. My OB was very natural birth friendly. We tried every natural means to get it going. I was also GBS+. After a day we consented to pit. OB thought that we could just get a tiny bit to help things move along then cut it so I could have the birth I wanted. It took 10hr and the max dose they could give. They did respect every things I asked for....while I had to be on constant monitoring the put a birth ball and other things at bedside and the nurse and DH helped me move all over within that area to labor with no pain meds. They checked me and said I was barely 4cm. I was frustrated. Then within 30 min I was really buried in contrx. SOOOO much worse than ever with DD1. (Thank you max dose of pit). Less than an hour I was fully dialated and DD2 came out with a few pushes and a super tiny tear (2 stitches). This time I felt cheated out of being able to sue the tub, of the fact that I had a great OB that really respected my choices and things still didn't go that way.

This time I so much want to have a birth that starts normal, progresses normal, and finishes normal. I feel like I have missed the birth experience I want by an inch each time.

I have a nagging feeling this time that there will be an unexpected twist of some kind. Not sure what that is but it makes me nervous.

[OrchideZ]

I am scared I won't find a good and experienced doula I click with in time.

I am scared to fall between the cracks again and be fully dilated for hours and left hanging, being told to wait and hold on when I really should be pushing.

I am scared my baby will have distress again and I will need another emergency c after 30 hours of labor when the baby is already in the birth canal.

I am scared if I have a another c that my stitches will come open again. They took 12 weeks to heal last time and I had daily home health nurse visits.

I am scared of the baby having problems and the doc not catching them b/c I have two friends who's babies died in labor (one was a home birth and baby needed more oxygen...the other had the cord around the neck and then the shoulder twice but the midwife- her own mother- didn't realize that until it was too late...they transferred and baby couldn't be saved).

I just would love a good and strong experience with no fear.
I want to be like a warrior woman.

[organicpapayamama]

Originally Posted by DeChRi

I have a fear that I have had two wonderfully healthy girls and that I am due for some tramatic upset. Like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

omg yes to this. I look at my son and think of how blessed I am to have a healthy, smart and gorgeous (if I do say so ) son and is it too much to ask for another sibling that is just as well off? I feel like Im pushing my luck at times.