not telling people about hb?

[Honey693]

DH and I have made the decision to have a home birth with this kid (our second). However, we don't want to tell anyone until after we pop out a healthy baby in the living room. Both our parents would be completely unsupportive and would flip out even if I said it wasn't up for discussion and the same would happen with our friends. Our parents won't ask any questions beyond how my prenatal visits went so that's fine, but we have a couple sets of friends that are really interested in random stuff like where we're delivering (they're gearing up to have kids in the next year or two so they ask a lot of questions). So far when they ask what hospital we're using and things like that I just say I don't know, but I have no idea how long I can keep saying that. Is there anyone else who had a home birth and didn't tell anyone until after?

[MegBoz]

Not even TTC yet, but I plan on not telling my Mom & MIL. for others who ask, obviously you can only say "i don't know" for so long! I'd just say the hospital where I had DS (which is also where I'd transfer if necessary.)

It's just not worth the the hassle & stress of hearing the nagging, worrying, and then after the fact if I do transfer. Because I can tell you this... AS I was transferring, I would totally be thinking of how I'm gonna hear it! & that would make me more reluctant to go transfer. I just don't need that. Transferring would be stressful enough.

I can practically guarantee my MIL would say, "THANK GOD you transferred! Oh what would have happened if you didn't transfer?! I can't believe you even tried to stay home in the first place." & I really just might SMACK her & that's just not good. Best to avoid it all around!

[Beccasteve03]

Originally Posted by MegBoz

It's just not worth the the hassle & stress of hearing the nagging, worrying, and then after the fact if I do transfer. Because I can tell you this... AS I was transferring, I would totally be thinking of how I'm gonna hear it! & that would make me more reluctant to go transfer. I just don't need that. Transferring would be stressful enough.

I haven't told too many people for this exact reason. I told my family and I really wish that dh had not told his family. I would be fine telling the inlaws AFTER baby comes, but I really dislike that they know for some reason... probably because if I have to transfer they (MIL & SIL's) will always remember that and constantly remind me of my "failure." I also wish they didn't know because I'm going for an HBAC and they keep saying "it's so great that I'm trying" They don't have much confidence in me! Okay enough of my inlaw rant!

[Paige, CPM]

I would say turn it around, the thoughts about transfer...I mean really, this is why you hire a midwife to make sure all is well and if there is something off and it is appropriate to transfer, this is what makes the homebirth choice a smart one. I don't think I am explaining it well... Like people freak out about homebirth because they think it is unsafe, right? But if they are willing to listen a bit...maybe see the Business of Being Born...they will understand your hiring someone well trained to recognize if and when transport is the best decision...having the option to transport, which we are lucky to have in this country...this is a positive about your intelligent and well thought out decision to safely bring your baby into this world...make it work for you...your smart you have thought about different scenarios and how to handle it...this makes you smart in your families eyes... Just a suggestion for turning around some angst about transport...

[Loralz]

I actually pre-registered at the hospital I would choose to be transferred to if the need arises. Then, when people ask, we say, "Oh, we're pre-registered at X hospital."

[thefreckledmama]

We haven't been specifically not telling anyone, but we haven't been volunteering the info to anyone who we question being supportive. If/when anyone asks about the hospital we're using, if they're not someone we care to share that we're planning a homebirth with, we just mention the hospital we would transfer to "if" that were to become necessary.

With others who aren't anyone to be negative or really say much against a HB, we like to share that we're planning a HB, and WHY,...especially with those who we stand a chance of being convinced to research the ins and outs of pregnancy and birth beyond the standard medical model of care for themselves.

[chelle.ra]

i have told our immediate family and some extended, a few friends and most are supportive, a few don't say anything. most of them know i had planned to be a CNM, but switched my major, and that i have researched the options. i have just started telling people when they ask directly, because i came to a point where i don't want to feel like i'm doing something "wrong" and frankly no one's rant will change my mind. i would rather just not tell someone than have to deal with their ignorance on a regular basis, too!
i just realized how excited dh is about it last night when i overheard him telling some friends - male friends - about how great the option to home birth is. this was at a bar we were at for a friend's birthday, so it was an interesting setting for four guys sitting around talking about cascading interventions and womens rights a proud moment for me!

[TSomm]

I started out my homebirth by not telling anyone. Then after few friends suggested "it would be totally cool" if we did a homebirth so I confided in them that we were indeed planning one. Over time, perhaps late in my second trimester, the idea of not telling was really getting to me. I started telling more and more people, including close family members, and was truly surprised by the response I got. Only 1 person tried to talk us out of it - my own mother. Everyone either just smiled and nodded (with a "they are crazy" look on their face) or gave us their support. It was really nice late in my third trimester to have the support of our friends and family...

I honestly thought my in-laws would flip out on us, but we showed them a movie portraying different types of birthing and then mentioned our plans for a homebirth. They weren't uber-supportive, but didn't try to talk us out of it either. After the fact, they're telling everyone about it and how great it was...

[Runnerbean]

We are planning a hb, second birth, first homebirth. Not telling a soul, I want this time and the birth just for me. I don't want to expend any energy discussing or justifying my choices. I love the fact that it is our little secret and that dh, dd and I will get to spend some real quality time together with baby before anyone knows baby has arrived
That's the plan anyway so

[elus0814]

We're planning our fifth birth, first homebirth. I've told neighbors (I tend to make some noise and I don't want them calling the police!) but I have not told either of our families. We don't plan to either but they all live many states away and likely will not ask what hospital. They likely will ask if I have another midwife or if I could only find an ob and I will tell them that I have a midwife, which I do. With doctors in the family I don't want to have to defend my choice to not go with the medical model, I feel like I would be putting down what they do by not wanting to go to the hospital. A few family members also feel very strongly that no one should have to endure physical pain when it can be helped with medication. I guess I just don't feel like defending myself. After the baby is born I will tell them.

[triony]

Originally Posted by TSomm

I started out my homebirth by not telling anyone. Then after few friends suggested "it would be totally cool" if we did a homebirth so I confided in them that we were indeed planning one. Over time, perhaps late in my second trimester, the idea of not telling was really getting to me. I started telling more and more people, including close family members, and was truly surprised by the response I got. Only 1 person tried to talk us out of it - my own mother. Everyone either just smiled and nodded (with a "they are crazy" look on their face) or gave us their support. It was really nice late in my third trimester to have the support of our friends and family...

This is what we did. In fact, I SWORE I'd never tell my coworkers (don't get me started on the close-mindedness around here) but I refuse to outright lie. I got backed into a corner ("what hospital are you going to?" etc, etc. I find it amazing the people that ask that. They've never had a kid, nor are planning to. I think they're just trying to be conversational) the other day and admitted it. No one flipped out, all I got was "Oh, I don't know anyone else who's used a midwife around here".
I had 1 person try to tell me he was worried it wasn't safe, because of things that had happened to so-and-so, etc. I asked him for more details, and told him what would happen in our situation and he actually said "ok" and shut up...
Wonders never cease

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by Paige, CPM

I would say turn it around, the thoughts about transfer...<snip>
...they will understand your hiring someone well trained to recognize if and when transport is the best decision...having the option to transport, which we are lucky to have in this country...this is a positive about your intelligent and well thought out decision to safely bring your baby into this world...

Yeah, true. We in the NCB community understand that an HB transfer is not necessarily a "disaster" and a "train wreck." It's how medical care is supposed to work! Just like if your general practitioner transfers you to a specialist such as an oncologist or cardiologist, the specialist doesn't think you were NUTS for seeing the GP in the first place and doesn't look down on the GP as dangerous & incompetent for having to transfer care to the specialist.

But the fact of the matter is, that's how most Americans view it. Transferring = PROOF that HB is dangerous

Transferring = "Failed" HB.
Transferring = evidence that you were nuts to have even attempted HB in the first place.
(hence my fictional MIL statements "I can't believe you even tried to stay home in the first place! Oh what would have happened if you did chose to stay home & didn't go to the hospital?!"

Of course, now that I think about it, with some time & education, I could see my MIL changing her tune. So I guess the question is, "Do I want to face the knee-jerk negative reaction & work to enlighten her (because if I do NOT enlighten her, I'll deal with the stress & that is not an option.) or simply hide it?" I had thought I'd hide it, but maybe I'll change my mind when the time comes.

[ShwarmaQueen]

I only told close friends (who I knew would be supportive or interested but not negative) and family. Others I told if they specifically asked, but I think that most people just assume you're going to give birth in the hospital so the question didn't come up that often.