What would you do?

[seattlemamma]

I am pregnant with my fifth child and am planning on UC'ing again. I had my MIL at all my births. (We are good friends!) 1 hospital, 2 midwife attended, and 1 UC. I UC'd last time for lack of options in my current State. I really enjoyed my last birth experience..the only downer was my MIL. She completely disagreed with my decision to UC and made her opinions well known immediately after the birth..all the what if's and the fact we didn't take the baby in right away. It was a week later. Thankfully, my mom and DH were there to counter her remarks. But it really made me doubt my choice and worry about the well being of my baby. I knew everything was fine, but had brand new baby syndrome....

My question is: "How do I tell her I do not want her at this birth, because of her opinions about my birthing decision." I was just not going invite her or say anything. I know she is waiting for me to invite her.

[claddaghmom]

I would probably try to frame it as a personal situation. "MIL I'm happy that you were at the previous births, but we really want to try this together as a couple. This is a really important thing to us."

The problem I see....if you tell her that she was rude or unhelpful, she is either 1) going to get defensive and argue that she wasn't or argue that it was your fault for an UC or 2) she is going to say it will be different and she won't do it, she promises.

Neither of those put the power of your birth in your hands. Even if she does #2, it doesn't guarantee anything. If she was already at the point where she couldn't be quiet and helpful during/after birth, it's doubtful that she could commit to changing.

[chirp]

i would not invite her...and not say anything about it.

in my opinion she ruined it for herself. and when she asks you (if her asking is inevitable...) then you can say something along the lines of "Well given the last time I UC'd you seemed so nervous and against it, I didn't think you WANTED to be there."

Then if she insists that she does want to be there, then you can state your terms very clearly and succinctly and if she can't agree to them, well then that's her decision and it means she can't be there. period.

seems pretty cut and dry...without being too snarky and without making it seem like you don't WANT her there. it's not her you don't want there, it's her anxiety er whatever, right??

[amberskyfire]

If it was me, I would not simply tell her that she wasn't invited. I really hate confrontation and I hate hurting others' feelings, especially if we are friends.

Instead, I would have a long talk with her about the last birth and how she made me feel. I think I would say something like "I really love you and I would really like to have you at this birth, but you hurt me last time and I was feeling very vulnerable when you said the negative things about my birth that you did. I really don't want to miss having you there, but I can't take that again. It was just too painful. I hope that I can convey to you the depth of hurting that it caused me. I really need positive attitudes at this birth. I love and respect you, but I don't want that to happen again."

Then her response would let me decide how to go from there. If she seemed very sorry and really wanted to be at the birth and understood what I meant and promised that she would be nothing but supportive, then I would let her be at the birth. If she said something along the lines of "I'm sorry, but it just really scared me and I just don't think it's safe" then I would continue the conversation with not allowing her to be there. Something kind like "I know you feel that way and that you only feel that way because you care so much. I understand that I can't change your feelings. I hope you understand why I would rather you were not there. I don't want this to change our relationship or your relationship with your grandchild. I just really need my birth to be a positive and supportive situation."

[ladyelms]

as far as her not being at your birth, i would probably call her after rthe baby's born and say the birth was just way too fast and intense to have time to call anybody. easy-peasy. :b

[accountclosed3]

i would just be direct.

largely because i am just really direct.

which is to say "due to your statements after my last birth, i do not feel comfortable having you attend this birth. as soon as the baby is born, DH will call you and tell you the good news."

I didn't have anyone at my birth (save my husband), and i told everyone that we would call them after the birth. when i went into labor, my father happened to call, then ten minutes later call back, adn then ten minutes later call back. i decided to simply disconnect the phone. we'd told him first that i was indisposed, then that i was unable to come to the phone, then that i was in labor and tht we would be turning off the ringer and answering machines and not answering the phone. we reiterated that we would call him after the birth.

i birthed at 12:30 am, and we finally fell asleep around 2-3 am. we decided not to call in the middle of the night. we called at around 9 am, and my parents came around 11 am to see the baby. my ILs decided to come the next day.

i am usually very direct about these things.

[seattlemamma]

Thanks guys. You all gave great advice. I will ponder and let you know how it goes.