Name change?

[Freedom~Mama]

I am in a qaundary. I am used to my married name and like it better than my maiden name and most important it is my childrens last name. -- But my marriage was abusive and having this name does not bring back good memories. Should I keep my married name or go back to my Maiden name?!

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by Beautiful~Life

I am in a qaundary. I am used to my married name and like it better than my maiden name and most important it is my childrens last name. -- But my marriage was abusive and having this name does not bring back good memories. Should I keep my married name or go back to my Maiden name?!

The other option people don't usually mention---pick a new one. Look at your family history and see if there's something that resonates with you.

When getting married or divorced, you get a free name change. They don't limit your choices!

As for being your children's last name...if your remarried in the future, would you plan to take your new partner's name? It's entirely possible that even if you keep your married name for the sake of your children, you would change it in the future.

Ultimately, there's NO wrong answer. You can make your married name YOUR name. You can create new, strong memories with it (if you choose to keep it). You have a lifetime to create positive memories if that's what you choose to do.

Good luck with your decision! It took me a few months to decide what to do about a name---I'm glad I took the time to think through all of the options because I feel very comfortable that I've made the decision that is right for me. (I'm going back to my maiden name...but it really could have gone either way.)

[justmama]

i don't know. i know that i am keeping my married name. i didn't have an abusive marriage with bad memories but keeping this name makes me a little sad because it represents my married life and my husband and I don't have those things anymore. BUT I don't like my maiden name and 2 out of my 3 daughters have my married name. So I'm keeping it. My oldest has my maiden name and I feel bad that she gets left out with a different last name but she is quite close to my sister who also has that same last name so that's something.
It's a hard decision. I think you can create new positive memories and it's always good for children to have that last name association with you. And in a situation where the children were part of or witness to abuse of any form, they might need those new positive memories associated with the last name you all have together.
On the other hand, a brand new fresh start might help and they and you might want to avoid that last name.



Well I'm super helpful today, yes? Sorry. Maybe hearing me type it out will help you. Because I thought I had an answer and it turns out I just basically expounded on how you are already feeling I'm sure. NOT helpful. Sorry.

[incorrigible]

Another vote for picking a new one, here.

Personally, I like my maiden name. XH even liked it so much, he insisted on being the one to change HIS name when we married. lol (I was a little disappointed, to be honest, but I'm sure glad we did it that way now!) Post marriage, I was very glad he went back to his "maiden" though.

My sister picked her own last name after divorce though. She's had too many last names. She was born under my mom's maiden name, and had to take a new one both times my mom got married. Before she married, her last name was the same as mine (as my father's)...and she couldn't stand my father! When she married, she took her dh's name. When they divorced...well, none of the last names she'd ever had in her life really felt like they were HER name...so she researched (a lot) and found a word with a culture and meaning that she felt really captured her sense of self. That's been her last name for over a decade now, and that really IS her name, you know?

If I were in your place, I would go through a similar proccess to my sister...only, including the kids. Decide all together who you are as a family, and choose together the name that truly belongs to you all...and all "change" to that name...or if you decide your married name is it, all keep that.

[meemee]

do you have to decide now?

can you wait a little bit on the situation till you have a clearer picture.

can you also look at your last name differently. your children have that name. can you focus on them.

however know that if you are newly separated/divorced - the rawness does affect your decision.

my ex was emotionally abusive. still is. however his last name which i still carry is also dd
s last name as well as the rest of his family who still consider me part of the family. even after 6 years they are there for me. so to me my last name involves so much more than just my ex. and these many years later where i carry no anger towards ex, the name does not matter. a name is a name is a name.