how to set boundries in amicable split? argg...

[zadlersberg]

hi all,

hoping for some help from some of you ladies who have been through this before me...

husband had affair. husband decided that wasn't happy in marriage. told me he wanted to separate in sept. since then we've been seeing an AMAZING therapist who was really made life easier. she advocates for the child and basically told us to go slow. so he's in europe 3 weeks and comes back to our city 7-10 days a month. he's also with his lover in europe. during the home week he's sleeping at a hotel but comes to our house before DD wakes (she's 2.5) and usually leaves after she's asleep. we plan to move him to an apartment and start introducing the idea of separation in about 6 months to a year. DD is very used to him traveling for work, so to her it's no big deal. it also buys us time to try and figure out the details and sort of come to terms about the separation and perhaps or likely divorce. we are getting along much better, I really enjoy his company now and he's stepping up to his role as papa. he's a pretty good one too.

where I'm getting caught is here....when he's gone I sort of feel myself saying "I'm glad this is over. I was unhappy. I'm scared of the future..ie dating...but I'd rather that than be unhappy all my life. I'm sure there is a better fit out there for me." but then...

when he's home, I try to keep an emotional distance...but it's so hard...feel so lonely...so hungry for physical attention (hugs and stuff like that) that I slip into false hope that he wants to come home. it's heart breaking. on one hand it's great we can spend time together as a family (we don't over do it, just some lunches or dinners) - it's great for DD. but at times it really is confusing to me and I start the thoughts of "what if he's the right one..." even though he's made it clear he wants to move on, he's not happy and he doesn't want to be with me..and yes, he's back with her. but how many of us can stop the thoughts "maybe....." and then I think "no!!! I don't want that!" but it just feels so comfortable right now when he's around. nice to see our friends and do stuff as a family. if only I could sort of disconnect emotionally...but I'm either a cold bitch (bad for the family) or I let my boundries down and let him hug/comfort me and get confused about what I want. and I think I start feeling sort of weak and mad at myself (ie I'm supposed to be this strong independent person who is taking care of my needs and I'm not doing such a great job...sort of like "I know better than to do this...")

help...I'd love advice from other amicable splits. did you try to keep more distance from your ex? set more physical boundries? think differently? does this just get easier with time?

thanks so much for any help/advice. this forum has been invaluable to me.

[justmama]

wow, i could have written this. and i hate to tell you this but we are 2 1/2 years into our separation. it's done. we are getting the divorce. i just signed the retainer for legal aid. but still my emotional self can't separate. and i know it's bad for me but like you said, i can be the stone-cold bitch and protect myself and the whole family suffers or i can be kind and accomodating and friendly and everyone enjoys life better but it hurts me deeply. i haven't found that happy medium. our children know we are getting divorced. my youngest has never known her daddy to live with us as he moved out during the pregnancy. So even now, it's still hard. I think the biggest change for us was regular visitations and NOT doing things as a family. He tries really hard to get me to come out to breakfast with him and the kids or go shopping with them or go to the zoo with them and as much as i'm dying inside saying "no no, you go. it's your special time with the girls. i have enough to do here to keep me busy all day." I make myself stay away. I lie. I don't have crap to do and I WANT to spend time with my family but emotionally i cannot let myself get sucked into that. It hurts too much. I love my husband and I was proud to be married to him and doing family activities is too hard. Our girls call him every night before bed and we chat for a moment or two firming up plans for the next visit or overnight or discussing an issue with the girls or sometimes we just say, "okay see you tomorrow or talk to you tomorrow night." But I just try to keep my business to myself and not ask him about his. And obviously it has to be a hands-off relationship. That's hard, truly. We are still working at it. But the less time we spend together, the easier it is. I make excuses to not be in the same room with him and he does his best tnot to stay too long picking up or dropping off. It's not perfect and it's awkward and it hurts but it's all I can manage just about now.

[ExOfficia]

I'm sorta there with you, so I'm not sure how much advice I can give. My stbx and I split up back in November, but he only moved out a couple of weeks ago because of money and business travel issues. He also had an affair (and is still with her) with someone who lives in another city.

We are, all things considered, amicable. Mind you, I'm not sure what amicable means. I am angry and hurt and overwhelmed, he is trying to move on with his life. He is guilt-ridden, and has been ostracized by pretty much all of our friends. He has none of his own really, so he's isolated.

We talk pretty frequently. When I manage to put the anger on a shelf, we get along really well. I almost forget what is happening. When I'm in a good head space, I will, for example, see something funny and want to call him to tell him (we have always shared a great sense of humour and love of the absurd). Then I think, wait, this is the guy who has hurt me beyond belief, who I am furious with.

In short, I struggle with emotional intimacy. He wants to support me and help, but it's hard when I'm spewing venom at him. He shuts down, won't tell me his feelings because he expects me to shoot them down (which, I do I have to admit), and then I am upset because while he feels he can ask me how *I'm* doing, he won't share anything about himself. And of course, like a moth to a flame, I ask him questions that aren't good for me to ask, mostly about him and his lover. Ugh.

Right now my best way to cope seems to be to withdraw a bit. It is not good for me to connect at an emotional level right now. Maybe some day it will be safe, but it isn't right now. So, I try to interact with him in a "business-friendly" sort of way. Friendly, but not too intimate. And that IS hard, but I don't hate myself afterwards, kwim?

It is hard to know where to draw those boundaries. Tonight my kids are having their first sleepover at his place. I was really wracked up about it earlier this afternoon when I was talking to him about the logistics, and he suggested that I join them for dinner at his place. I declined. I just thought that it would be better to not be part of the kids' first sleepover. They went very happily and willingly, in fact they have been super-excited about it. Plus I didn't want them to see how hard a time I was having, they don't need to see that.

Again, ugh. I really hope this gets easier over time for all of us!

[zadlersberg]

thank you guys for these posts. I so feel you both. I know the anger and the affair place. I was there. I found out in april about the affair - we tried to make it work but I just couldn't get over the anger. then he said he was leaving in september b/c he "wasn't happy" with our marriage. but he's back with her. I am angry but not the "throw a pot at you" angry I was before. a GREAT book is "Infidelity A Survival Guide" by Lusterman. Quick read and very informative to all the stages we go through coping and why affairs happen. Very well regarded psychologist who wrote it. Worth getting to help you through that first 6 months or so.

and I also realize what this pit in my stomach has been for the past couple weeks. I've been slipping into the "pretending" we're a family and going to lunch and dinner with them almost every day. "hanging out" with them. it's bad. it's not healthy. it's like giving in to an addiction and then realizing it's not what's going to help you move forward in life. I feel the same - I have nothing to do when they do something, but need to say "no, you guys go" even though I'm DYING to go with them. I think I can handle a couple of outings, but every day is too much. UGH...drat these emotions. to hel with being the "bigger person" there are so many days I want to say FUCK YOU...but as a child of divorce I know if we can stay friends it's better for our little one. I guess I just need to remember to keep some distance and do the "business associate" sort of stance. even friend. but not husband. ugh. this is SO HARD!

keep em coming...it helps to hear others dealing....

[kittygrrl523]

My ex and I had an amicable split for a while. Feeling friendly and like a fake family distracted me from what I really needed to do, which was be proactive as a single mom. I don't judge myself, or others, who still need that time...but I'd be lying if I didn't say that I think it's a mistake. It makes it harder on yourself and it distracts you from taking care of important things.

I think occasional lunches together aren't a bad thing...but not all the time and not hanging out together at your house and things like that. Your heart is tender and will likely get more hurt.

If someone would have told me this two years ago I probably wouldn't have been ready to listen. So take your time, digest the reality of your situation and give your spirit time to heal.

I'm just now becoming proactive about the legalities of our split. I feel so good about it, but that's because I'm ready for it now.

Good luck mama. Be compassionate to yourself, but don't let your stbx jerk you around either!!

[MamasBoys]

You're not going to get entirely over this with one foot in, one foot out. We lived together in separate bedrooms for 6 months after deciding to divorce. I thought we were separated. However, it's a completely different world now that we only see each other during kid swaps. In the beginning, the more time you spend with each other, the more you will get sucked back in. It was better for my kids to make things quick and painless than to drag on a confusing relationship.