dd rejecting me

[sarahr]

I guess I'm looking for commiseration/advice.

My dd is 3.5. Until last fall, I was her main go-to person. She liked playing w dh, but I was preferred when she needed something. Then, in October, my mom got very sick and was in the hospital for 3 months. DH did most bedtimes then and even when I was w dd, I was often distracted. I was also pregnant w less patience than I should. After that, dd chooses dh for bedtime almost every night.

Then, we had a new baby 2 wks ago. Since then, dd has rejected me for everything. Even when I deliberately put baby down or give him to dh, dd insists that daddy do it. This morning, I brought dd into school crying hysterically that she wanted daddy to bring her.

How can I rebuild our relationship? I feel v guilty that I somehow drove her away.

[OTMomma]

First off- you are all adjusting to having a new baby and that is a huge deal. Its actually good that your dd is happy to let daddy help take care of her- it would be very hard to do everything for her and the newborn right now.

I would respect dd's requests for daddy to do things for her as much as possible, it gives her a bit of control at a time when adding this new baby to the family has shaken things up a lot. I would invite her to do things with you that she would enjoy, either with baby in a sling, or while daddy watches the baby- things like making cookies together, going for a little walk, reading a story, or an outting to somewhere she likes. Don't feel like you have to take back bedtime from daddy, just try to make some special times for her with you. She'll come around, just be patient.

[hopefulfaith]

FWIW, I've really found that this is cyclical for us. My kids were both deeply attached to me and you know, mostly liked my dh for what seemed like the first few years of their lives. I think it had something to do with bf'ing and sleeping in my armpits.

Then, once they hit three....they were all over the place. One day, I was their bff --and then, for the next ten days, dh was the Best Evah! --- and then, they bounced "back to me" and lived in my hip pockets for a few days --- and then, back to dh, where they cried if I tried to help them with their toothpaste instead of him! -- and so on and so forth.

Honestly, the first few times I took it personally. Now I smile and go with it.

I think my situation is different from yours since it didn't involve a new baby, so I hope you get some good advice from moms whose kids were a little more spaced than mine & went through a more similar situation. However, both of mine still do this and it's just plain cyclical for us.

HTH. Take care of yourself, mama!

[lach]

Aw, it's totally normal. My DD also went through a period of not trusting me after DS was born. She was very clingy to DH. It really hurt my feelings, because I felt like I was trying so hard to prove to her that she was just as important.

But it also makes sense that she's clinging to something that hasn't changed. Kids that age don't like change much. And you've changed. You just have. You went away for a little while, and now you're back with this... well, baby... that gets lots of cuddles and hugs and feedings and, well, that was her rightful place in the world. And everyone's making such a big deal over the baby, but whenever she gets close to him everyone gets kind of on edge and says things like "that's close enough" and "you can look, but please don't touch her right now." All of this is a whole lot to accept and deal with, even if she is accepting it and dealing with it relatively well. So it makes sense that she's giving you a little bit of space while she kind of processes what's going on.

I will say that it does get better, she will start trusting you again sooner rather than later. She's going to figure out that the baby's not going anywhere, and that you're still her same old wonderful Mom. Just hang in there, keep up what you're doing with her, but also respect that right now it's normal for her to be a little wary of the situation.

[Erinz]

You've already received some good responses so I'm just adding in "same with my 3.something year old"

In fact tonight my husband came in and said our older son was asking for me from his bed (daddy always does bedtime with him in the kid bedroom since I'm getting the baby down in our bed). I was pretty shocked and sprang right up and ran in there. He just wanted me to lay next to him and rub his back while he fell asleep. It was really nice. Everything will fall back into place, it just takes time to discover the new normal.

[Curlyfry7]

(minor hijack) ...I am in the same boat in a way...my almost 3.5 yo DS rejects me for daddy all the time. He tells me quite regularly that "I like daddy much better then you" and if I go somewhere, when I come back he hides and tells me to leave again, and runs away from me/won't talk to me otherwise.

He also has a little sister-but she is 14 months old! So this isn't something new to him. I will state that she IS a very high needs baby (as was he, he just doesn't remember it, and he still is high needs) and I try to believe that is part of it, but it sure does hurt when he tells me that daily.

How long will this last??

[Hey Mama!]

My youngest dd (4) has pretty much preferred dh over me since she was born. I was popular when nursing, but beyond that she wanted daddy. She doesn't actively dislike me, but she'll want daddy over me 99% of the time when he is home. I try not to take it personally but sometimes it does get to me.

[MusicianDad]

Young children do this. They cycle between "favourites". I know it's hard, but you really shouldn't take it personally. It's a natural part of growing. I agree with the PP who suggested that you try and have daddy take over as much as you can. Eventually she will outgrow this.