Anyone not have anyone present for DC?/How to prepare an anxious 4 yr old for the birth?

[jennica]

I'm due at the end of July and planning a homebirth. I had a very traumatic birth with Ds, 4 and half years ago, and so am very particular about what happens at this birth. I have hired a midwife who I hope will be hands-off (in her interview she said she was comfortable with being in another room and periodic monitoring). She has an assistant that will be present at the birth, but I intend to discuss with them that I only want her assistant present in case of an emergency and otherwise would rather not even be aware that she is there.

My biggest issue right now is trying to plan for Ds. He is 4 and a half and has some anxiety issues (generalized anxiety disorder/ OCD/ possible Tourettes). His issues sound worse than they are though, he is doing really well lately and just has some minor quirks that we work around quite easily. I really, really want him present at the birth. Not just because I want him there to see his sibling being born, but because his birth was so traumatic for us, I want him to witness a normal birth and hopefully benefit from an experience that he missed out on as a newborn. And it's probably more for me than for him truthfully, but it's what I want.

I can show him birth videos if I turn the sound down, but he does not like the sounds of the mom moaning or vocalizing. This is a problem because with my labor with him I was very, very loud. He has said that he will be at the birth but will stay under a blanket. He has also said that he will be at the birth if Grammy (my Mom) is there with him. Everyone recommends that I have someone there for him. The problem is, I really don't want anyone there! I just want our little family and no one else. It's hard to even invite the midwife and her assistant. I really don't want a doula or a relative or a friend, even if it would make Ds more comfortable.

I'm not sure what to do about this. I labored really fast with Ds (6 hrs from first contraction to birth), and expect to labor even faster this time with no one interfering. I didn't particularly care for Dh's support during my labor with Ds. He was not helpful in any way (though he tried), and most of the time he just stood there staring at me which made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. I had to tell him specifically what to do because he is not good at deciphering non-verbal cues, and if it was the middle of a contraction I couldn't talk, and he would not realize that I no longer wanted him rubbing my back or whatever, so it was really annoying. I guess I just want Dh to take care of Ds and be there for him and if I need assistance of any kind, I will ask the midwife since she has to be there anyway. Is that a bad plan though? It seems like it is very unusual and not really what people do. The only thing I can think of that would make this a bad plan is if there was an emergency transfer, because it would take at least 40 minutes before a relative could get to our house, so Dh would not be able to transfer with me if we had no one there for Ds.

Any ideas or opinions?

[MsBlack]

I think you are going to have separate some 'this from that' in order to reach a decision: separate your needs/wishes for DS, from HIS needs/wishes, with respect to this birth. Separate DS's birth from THIS birth. Separate what you believe you'll need for yourself in labor, from all other concerns. Does this make sense?

I agree that witnessing a normal birth could potentially have a healing effect on your son. However--he really does not sound ready, particularly if you are not willing to allow him the support he has clearly stated he needs. Any 4yr old may be a bit anxious about seeing mom in pain (or just hearing her vocalize what *sounds like* pain to them); your 4yr old seems to be especially prone to such anxiety. If it is that important to you to be alone in labor-no extra people to help DS-then it may be kindest to your son, and wisest for your own labor, to excuse DS from this birth.

For best chances of a peaceful birth, ds's needs for himself must be given your respect. Must be separated from what you need *for* him....maybe you're right and he'll benefit, but maybe you're wrong and he won't benefit (and possibly could become even more anxious/traumatized). This is not a crisis situation where he must be pushed in a direction he does not feel ready for. Sometimes those crises do occur, sometimes life forces us to grow, cope, meet a challenge that we feel unready for. And certainly, sometimes parents, as part of responsible childrearing, must ask our children to meet a new challenge that the child may not believe s/he is ready for. But I would not treat this challenge, at your DS's age and with his personality, as one that he MUST meet 'for his own good'. He sounds only marginally ready for this, at best....

Also, you never know what this labor will be like--maybe your dh will be more helpful this time than before. Maybe you will be more open to his support, or better able to guide his support. But even if not, even if you still prefer to labor on your own, as a mom and mw both I don't believe that leaving dh entirely in charge of ds is wise. There may be moments, at least, when you need dh--and he needs to be immediately available and 100% attentive, not trying to figure out how to care for you and ds at the same time. Besides, even if birth goes perfectly well according to the majority of your intentions, if dh is in charge of ds then dh may not be very able/available to greet your new one with you. Maybe so--maybe ds will handle all just fine, maybe all 3 of you will instantly cozy up to new baby. But maybe ds will be over-excited, needy at that time, leaving dh to miss out on first greetings because of having to tend to ds.

Anyway...just my 2cents. I firmly believe that it is wisest for all concerned (including mw and her helpers) if there is someone available to care for young children during labor. They don't even have to be in the house, as long as they are no more than a few minutes away. Young kids may or may not handle mom's laboring very well. Labor may be short or long--meaning that youngsters will need to be fed, entertained, tucked in, taken outside to play--and these needs could arise at 'inopportune times'. Families can relax more, knowing that their other kids *can be* present for birth if it works out well for mom and kids, but don't *have to be* present if either kids, mom or both just aren't so happy about the kids being there. Kids relax more, when they know they have support and someone always available to meet their needs as those needs arise, and when they know they can witness the birth if they feel like it but don't have to witness it if at that moment they just don't want to.

And what we all need at birth is for everyone present to be as relaxed and happy as possible

[mwherbs]

could work, but msblack has made some important points, there are no way to know what your child will need but you have heard his preference- perhaps not having him present or having your mom there is a good idea- I see many women who labor alone, or off to themselves but there seems to always be something that needs to be to hand that is in the other room or a pillow that could be adjusted or even remembering to drink or go to the bathroom and dh is in labor with you too, I very often see the concern on a dad's face and he doesn't always think clearly because his mind is on the labor and if his wife and baby are well - I would also tell dh now prepare him for labor- specifically mention to him to not ask questions/talk to you during a contraction- what I usually say to dads is imagine you are carrying a refrigerator into the house- when would you answer a question if someone asked and when would you rather someone talked to you? lifting something like that is about the same muscle pressure/action as a uterine contraction- they usually get it and understand.
the other comment has to do with the assistant, if you have a longer labor rather than shorter , one of the things an assistant does is spell off the midwife- so heart tones and checking in to be sure everything is fine and nothing is needed is getting done but the mw is taking a nap an exhausted midwife is not the best helper- and even if you have a normal length labor and she is coming from another birth- she many need to nap in the early part of the labor- but the things still need to be done- some set up and prep as well as monitoring and if the assistant is fresher than she may be the better one to do that work

[etsdtm99]

your plan sounded fine to me up to the transport part.. i, too, am not interested in DH's 'support' in labor and i don't want him staring at me, so it wouldn't be that bad for him to be watching our other kids.. but in the event of transfer i would want him to come with me.. could you have support for DS that stayed out of the room where you are laboring? maybe hung out with the midwife's assistant 'in case of emergency' .. that way if DS wanted to check on your, your DH could accompany him but the back up person would still be around.. do you have a neighbor or nearby friend's house where your mom could hang out 'just in case' so she would be closer? would she be willing to do that?

[xixstar]

I have to agree with lots of what MsBlack has commented on, about being very cognizant of your sons needs and expressed desires. Personally, if he's not willing or comfortable hearing the sounds of labor, that would throw up a red flag for me. I wouldn't want to put him and dh in a stressful situation where my labor (and I was loud last time too) is causing him more stress than needed just because of natural noises. We can tell our little ones that mom is just making sounds that help her and that she's okay, but they'll still internalize what they're hearing in their own way and it could be scary for him.

Even if you don't want dh's support during labor and are comfortable being completely alone the whole time, it might still be putting lots of stress on both of them. I agree that some partners really get in their heads during labor worrying about things, whether they show or express it, and for my family, I'd worry that situation would mean ds wouldn't be getting the care/attention he needs because dh would be off in his own world a bit.

How big is your house? Is it possible to have your mom there for ds but to where you're oblivious to her presence? Do you tend to stay in one area for birth, say bedroom and bathroom, and therefore don't really need to even acknowledge someone else is in another area other than knowing that someone is helping ds out as needed or able to take him for a walk outside if things get too intense for him?

And this is just in response to the situation you've described with your dh. Not a blanket assessment of all children at birth. It just sounds like he might find it really stressful for him, but then again, he may be oblivious to it all as well -- i's impossible for us to know ahead of time.

[jennica]

Well, one of the problems is that we live in a two bedroom apartment. I plan to labor in the living room and have a water birth, but I really have no idea where I will end up. My last labor was in the hospital and I was being told what to do at every moment, so I really don't know how I will labor on my own. I think my bedroom should stay clear in case I end up in there, and that means there has to room somewhere for everyone else. That leaves Ds's room and a den that is off the living room (probably where the midwife and her assistant will hang out - not totally out of my view, but I think good enough). So I guess someone extra could hang out in Ds's room with him, but we have no one close where they could stay outside of the house unless we called.

My last labor was 6 hours from first contraction to birth, but I strongly feel that the labor was actually slowed down both by the providers constant checking on me and by myself being frightened of such a fast labor and fighting it (no one really prepares first time mom's for this possibility so I was expecting a really long labor). Anyway, my point is that I am actually expecting a really short labor - I would be surprised if it lasted 4 hours. And it's not that I am not preparing for the possibility of a longer labor, but based on my last labor I think this one has the potential to go really fast and I want to be prepared for that this time. But, that leaves less time for us to get someone here for Ds, and for Ds to get used to what is happening, and for me to get comfortable with more people showing up, etc.

I agree that I need to take Ds's feelings into account, but I also feel like he could deal with it if we spent some time preparing. I will talk to my midwife and see what her opinions are on the situation to.

[sarahtdubb]

nak...

i'm sorry that your first birth was traumatic, mama!

this was my experience-- I have a 2.5 yo ds, and I REALLY wanted him at the birth. We prepped by watching videos---unlike your DS, my son enjoyed the crazy sounds the mamas made, so that made it easier for me to decide to have him there. But I did want a back up plan for 2 reasons--

1- if he decided he wanted to be elsewhere, i wanted to be able to respect that, and

2- i was worried about myself, too. i was worried that if DS as there and got upset, i would worry too much about him. i feared a scenario in which my son got scared, and i then held back for his benefit.

It made perfect sense for my mom to be his caregiver during birth, but I had the same problem you do-- I didn't want her to be there! In my case it wasnt so much that I wanted to be alone as that I was worried she would freak seeing me in labor, since I'm her baby!

But it was great. I didn't even really know she was there, and she brought my son in at the perfect time and he rubbed my back while I pushed and was there to shout "baby!" when his sister's head emerged. It was incredible.

So I think a lot depends on the relationship you have your mom-- can you tell her honestly to butt out? Can you ask her to be there and be invisible unless she needs to take your son somewhere or be there if you transfer? Can she wait nearby--like a coffee shop or something--so that if you need her she is closer than 45 minutes?

Given your son's hesitations, I would want some back up plan for him should he get scared and want to leave. EVen if your DH will be mostly available for him, I wouldn't want to rely on it-- you may end up needing something from him, even if it's just helping you walk to the bathroom or holding your drink for you.

Good luck!!!

[Peony]

I'll have to echo the other wise posters. I prefer to labor alone, I don't like being watched, my DD1 also is very anxious child but I wanted her there so I have had a similar experience. While I adore my mom I did not want someone else in my house. DD1 was just shy of 4 years of age when DD2 was born, I spent hours preparing her, my plan was that I could my mom if I needed to but that DH was going to watch DD1. It did not work out and DH called my mom to come over. She has a close bond with my mom and while Dh was there with her, he was distracted by worrying about me and it was definitely affecting DD1. That house was small, the birth pool was in the living room with no place for others to be away from me that much. And yes it did mean that I spent the majority of the labor in my bedroom hiding from everyone. I only emerged to get n the pool right before pushing because I didn't want others around. That wasn't ideal but DD1 needed her grandmother so I just had to deal with it.



For the next birth I had the same plan, I didn't want to call my mom yet again unless I had to, and yet again DH had to make the call. DS's labor very short and very intense, I was sobbing and in so much pain. DD1 and DD2 were freaking out, DH was freaking out trying to check on me and then deal with them. This time the birth was in a different house and I had the pool set up in the master bedroom so I didn't have to have anyone watching me. My mom swooped in and took over keeping the girls busy, they could hear me upstairs so my mom made up a game with jumping and clapping that covered up some of the noise. They made a cake, it was just the little things that kept them busy and not worrying about me so much, and DH just was not able to keep himself involved fully with the girls to help decrease their anxiety.

[tessie]

I can't see how having your son there would be a good thing if he's so anxious about it. I think you're projecting too much onto him your feelings about his birth, particularly this need for him to witness a 'normal' birth. He's going to be stressed, you'll get stressed - I'm not seeing how this is conducive to a good birthing environment?

Could you have your mom or a friend care for him elsewhere? he could come back as soon as the baby is born so he can meet the new sibling asap.

[jennica]

Originally Posted by tessie

I can't see how having your son there would be a good thing if he's so anxious about it. I think you're projecting too much onto him your feelings about his birth, particularly this need for him to witness a 'normal' birth. He's going to be stressed, you'll get stressed - I'm not seeing how this is conducive to a good birthing environment?

Could you have your mom or a friend care for him elsewhere? he could come back as soon as the baby is born so he can meet the new sibling asap.

I don't really think it will stress him out too much if I spend some time preparing him. His psychologist thought that him being at the birth would work out fine, though she did suggest that someone be there with him and he have the freedom to decide if he wants to be present or not. It's not really a question of if I should have him there or not, it's more a question of how I can prepare him so he can be there because I do feel he can handle it and he does say he wants to be there, he just has stipulations to that which I need to figure out to work into my plan and comfort zone. Also, I didn't mean to give the impression that I was going to force him to stay there if he didn't want to. He is free to go in his room and get away from us if he doesn't feel comfortable. I was really hoping and wanting him to be there, but if it doesn't work out it doesn't work, and it's not the end of the world.

[~Katie~]

This was my experience with DD's birth. I had planned for a doula to be there to take care of DS and make sure he was okay so that he could be present, but things ended up happening quickly and I spent all but 30 minutes of my labor with just him and I. I ended up putting him to bed about 30 minutes before she was born. I couldn't give birth to her while I knew he was still awake. Instinctively I did not want him there, I couldn't relax feeling the need to comfort him and explain what was going on. He was a trooper though and liked bringing me toys and rubbing my arm, trying to comfort me the best way a 20 month old knows how. It was very exciting for him but he was scared to see me hurting.

He definitely remembered the experience and seeing me do things like bend over to pick something up off the floor will trigger the memory of seeing me leaning over in pain during labor, he'll come over and try to push me back up and says "okay, mama, okay?" So you really never know how they'll react, I think it's difficult to prepare them for something that you really can't experience until you actually do it. You can show videos and explain it but it's not the same as seeing their own mother in labor pain. If you can, I would try to have someone there for him that you can call at the start, like a doula. As MsBlack said, try to consider his feelings as well as your own. You won't know how you'll feel in the heat of it either.

[MJB]

I plan to have my boys at my birth, they'll be 4.5 and 7.5. They're both pretty laid-back about birth though, and don't have any other issues. I'll make sure they have foods they can prepare, books to read, and obviously they can go play with their toys, but they won't have a babysitter or anything.
My oldest was a few weeks shy of 3 at my last birth and I needed him to go. He was not capable of giving me silence when I needed it, or going in another room and entertaining himself. There's a huge difference between a toddler and a 4.5 yr. old though and I'm sure my boys will be great at the birth. My oldest is going to cut the cord, and my little wants to put the baby's diaper on.

[lesliesara63]

I think that if it upsets your son to hear the noises of other women in a video, then he is probably not ready to hear his mommy in pain either. My dd was close to five when dd2 was born and even with only a few hours of active labour she still needed entertaining. My dh was busy setting things up for the birth and definitely would not have been able to be her care person. I hope that the birth is healing for you and you can figure out a plan to take care of everyone's needs.

[McMandy]

When you have a homebirth, people tend to invite themselves over. I got through this by just nodding and smiling and not calling them (or mentioning it on any networking sites like FB) when I went into labor.

My husband was the ONLY person there when we had our third child- and it was perfect.

We didn't know whether we would have our other two children there- we said we'd just play it by ear. But, when labor came on, it was pretty obvious, so we just called my MIL and asked if she would take the kids. (This is when she found out we were having an unassisted birth and she was NOT happy about it.)

If it had happened early in the morning or in the middle of the night, we probably wouldn't have worried about someone carrying for them. And, my plan had been, if they were there, we'd just put on some movies for them or something.

I think, this time, I'm going to make them special "birth bags"- stuff that is new and exciting for them.. so they will be fully entertained during my labor and birth (including easy art projects for them to do without supervision, a couple movies they've never seen, yummy but healthy snacks that wont make them hyper, and various other fun games and such). I am not sure whether they will be present or not for this birth either- but it helps to be prepared, just in case.

[amandabarugh]

Originally Posted by McMandy

I think, this time, I'm going to make them special "birth bags"- stuff that is new and exciting for them.. so they will be fully entertained during my labor and birth (including easy art projects for them to do without supervision, a couple movies they've never seen, yummy but healthy snacks that wont make them hyper, and various other fun games and such). I am not sure whether they will be present or not for this birth either- but it helps to be prepared, just in case.

I think this last bit is a great idea!

We moved last November away from both of our families, and we don't know many people, especially none we could trust our children with. I've been getting anxious about how to handle our birth with no one specifically designated to watch them while I was laboring, as I tend to have fairly intense labors. This is my first homebirth, and last time, I had someone to watch my daughter while I was at the hospital.