Complaint-free mama support group

[sweetpeppers]

I have always been a complainer, and several years ago, I tried to cut back. Just recently, I read the book A Complaint Free World, and realized how much further I have to go. The book encourages you to go 21 days (the amount of time to make a new habit) without complaining. Basically you switch a bracelet from one wrist to the other every time you complain. I would definitely encourage you to read the book.

But I've noticed that whenever I get around other mothers, all we do is complain, about kids (especially), husbands, etc. As someone just mentioned in another thread, complaining is an easy way to connect with other mothers. Mothering (and life) always provides us with something to complain about, but can you imagine if we all stopped complaining?? How much more would we enjoy each others company? How much more would we be uplifted in each others company?

In A Complaint Free World, he talks about how our lives our created by our thoughts, and our words manifest our thoughts. So by changing our words and thoughts, we can change how we experience our lives. So in that spirit, I'd like to invite everyone at MDC to help change the world. Let's support each other to stop complaining!

[scottishmommy]

I was JUST about to start a complaint free thread. I love A Complaint Free World. Have you noticed that the world seems so much more beautiful since you started your complaint free journey? I feel like a tremendous burden has been lifted off my shoulders!
It is hard to relate when other people complain. I just try to listen. I also try to talk about parenting "problems" in a very neutral way, and I only bring them up if I want to change something. To me complaining is griping about something you have no intention of changing. Discussing a parenting issue is different if you're talking about it with open ears. For instance saying "ugh, I need to vent about my dd's sleep habits" is very different than " my dd has developed some unusual sleep habits that I would like to correct".
One of the things I really need to work on is not reacting when I drop something or whatever. I can control well thought out complaining but I have a tendency to curse if I drop my keys or step in a hairball or something. Those little frustrations can really add up!
I never realized how destructive complaining is until now. I mean it truly doesn't solve any problems. It's just noise pollution.

[intrepidmother]

Wow- that's quite the challenge. I don't think I realize how much I complain... I'm going to try it!!

I find it easier to relate to people through complaining. When people complain to me- I like to relate to them and will complain as well. But I also agree that we create our world through our words and our words influence how we perceive what's around us.

Hmmmm.... I think it's going to be hard- but I'm up for the challenge!!! Complain-free for 21 days! Yikes

[staceychev]

Wow... that's quite a challenge! I need to pick up a copy of that book.

Hey Sweetpeppers... I grew up in Medford!

[Katielady]

Wow, I was just thinking recently that I complain too much on Facebook, and that I'd like to try to make March a complaint-free month there. Maybe I could try it everywhere along with y'all! I know that when I'm around positive people, I tend to view life in a more positive way.

Put the audio CD on hold from the library so I can listen to it in the car etc.

yay!

[Ornery]

This sounds awesome. I'm putting that book on reserve at the Library.

I have tried really hard in the last few months to reframe my thinking in a positive manner. It changes my outlook immensely. Words are important to me and I try to use them in a positive manner. When I am consciously choosing to talk, I tend not to complain much anymore. At mommy groups I have to frame my words and watch my thoughts very carefully so that I don't fall into that complaining/life is so hard mode. And it isn't that complaints aren't valid, it is just that I am trying to choose to look at things differently. I've asked my DH and my oldest DS to help me realize when I am approaching things in a negative manner, as I don't always catch myself. I tend to automatically see things negatively so my goal is to approach what might seem negative to me as a positive challenge.

But I tend to complain about the weather and government occasionally..... gotta work on that!

[St. Margaret]

This is something I've been thinking about for probably half my life! And lately I've been revisiting it. I'll have to check out the book. But yes, I'm trying to choose positivity and peace and counting my blessings instead of griping and self-pity. And I am so with you regarding the droppping things! I think as a perfectionist it's hard to just let those things go, but what goes does beating myself up do? And I'm sure it bums out my family and is a poor example for DD. So hooray for this thread!

[PPK]

I'm in!

When I was younger I was super positive all the time but now tend to complain a ton, particularly to/at DH. I know this just snowballs into us sitting around being unpleasant around each other.

I will definatley go for 21 days!!!

This is awesome

[Fuamami]

So you have to eliminate all complaints? Are no complaints valid or healthy?

Interesting concept! I'll have to read it.

I was thinking today about how many people complain about their children in order to brag about them, ykwim? My in-laws do this all the time, they tell some super-cute story about their kids, but the way they tell it implies that the child set the school on fire or something. It's kind of weird.

[karika]

a good thread and a good re- minder. I believe that our thoughts create our reality and am so happy you wrote this to re mind me to speak positively. thank you wonderful person and people!

[momtoS]

Wow...I will have to look for that at the library. I think that complaining to other mothers is a way to get it out and vent some steam. I can't imagine holding in all my complaints but I am interested in learning more!

[acupuncturemomma]

Originally Posted by momtoS

Wow...I will have to look for that at the library. I think that complaining to other mothers is a way to get it out and vent some steam. I can't imagine holding in all my complaints but I am interested in learning more!

[Katielady]

Originally Posted by momtoS

Wow...I will have to look for that at the library. I think that complaining to other mothers is a way to get it out and vent some steam. I can't imagine holding in all my complaints but I am interested in learning more!

I definitely feel I need to read the book and learn more. My mom was raised to bottle up all her feelings, especially any negative ones, and I want to be careful not to go down that path. I imagine there is a fine line between thinking positive and negating one's feelings. But I have a feeling that the idea isn't to avoid ever expressing negative feelings, but to stop the cycle of pointless venting that many of us tend to go through.

Once I was driving to the grocery store on Thanksgiving Eve, which is apparently the biggest road rage day of the year. NPR was doing a story on that, and a shrink said that studies have shown that when you tell a story about something that made you angry, that it doesn't actually make you feel better but instead makes you relive the experience all over again. So say someone cuts you off and almost makes you crash, and you get mad. When you get home and tell everyone about it, you experience the same feelings and physical reactions as when the initial event happened- your heart races, your blood boils, you're furious all over again. He said that we're taught that venting is healthy and lets off steam, where in fact it tends to make the steam build up even more. It makes sense to me. Since then I've tried (not with a lot of success) to let go of those types of experiences, and just move on.

I am curious to see whether if I try this, it will rub off on my spouse and others around me, or whether they'll just think I'm acting weird. I would love it if the people close to me complained less as well.

[Rowansmama]

Originally Posted by Fuamami

So you have to eliminate all complaints? Are no complaints valid or healthy?

No, not exactly. You have to eliminate mindless, pointless complaining.

For instance, it's not okay to say "My life sucks, I'm so busy, I hate my job."

It IS okay to say "Lately I've been unhappy with my life, and here's what I'm going to do about it."

[DaughterOfKali]

I definitely need to stop mindless complaining. I'm in!

[Katielady]

OMG. I just complained (in my head, to myself) that my library hold of the audio CD hasn't come in yet. And then I was like,

well, awareness is the first step, right?

[starling&diesel]

Very interesting ... we mamas do tend to commiserate! I'll get the book from the library and see what I think about it.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by Katielady

I definitely feel I need to read the book and learn more. My mom was raised to bottle up all her feelings, especially any negative ones, and I want to be careful not to go down that path. I imagine there is a fine line between thinking positive and negating one's feelings. But I have a feeling that the idea isn't to avoid ever expressing negative feelings, but to stop the cycle of pointless venting that many of us tend to go through.

Once I was driving to the grocery store on Thanksgiving Eve, which is apparently the biggest road rage day of the year. NPR was doing a story on that, and a shrink said that studies have shown that when you tell a story about something that made you angry, that it doesn't actually make you feel better but instead makes you relive the experience all over again. So say someone cuts you off and almost makes you crash, and you get mad. When you get home and tell everyone about it, you experience the same feelings and physical reactions as when the initial event happened- your heart races, your blood boils, you're furious all over again. He said that we're taught that venting is healthy and lets off steam, where in fact it tends to make the steam build up even more. It makes sense to me. Since then I've tried (not with a lot of success) to let go of those types of experiences, and just move on.

I am curious to see whether if I try this, it will rub off on my spouse and others around me, or whether they'll just think I'm acting weird. I would love it if the people close to me complained less as well.

I've heard this, too, but had the opposite experience in my life. I LOVE to vent to my dh, it always helps me laugh at the experience and he puts in perspective and normalizes it for me. Otherwise, I feel like I just walk around thinking about it for days and it is blown out of proportion.

Originally Posted by Rowansmama

No, not exactly. You have to eliminate mindless, pointless complaining.

For instance, it's not okay to say "My life sucks, I'm so busy, I hate my job."

It IS okay to say "Lately I've been unhappy with my life, and here's what I'm going to do about it."

Now THIS, I could use some help with. I'm off to put it on hold!

[blackbird2]

Originally Posted by Katielady

Once I was driving to the grocery store on Thanksgiving Eve, which is apparently the biggest road rage day of the year. NPR was doing a story on that, and a shrink said that studies have shown that when you tell a story about something that made you angry, that it doesn't actually make you feel better but instead makes you relive the experience all over again. So say someone cuts you off and almost makes you crash, and you get mad. When you get home and tell everyone about it, you experience the same feelings and physical reactions as when the initial event happened- your heart races, your blood boils, you're furious all over again. He said that we're taught that venting is healthy and lets off steam, where in fact it tends to make the steam build up even more. It makes sense to me. Since then I've tried (not with a lot of success) to let go of those types of experiences, and just move on.

Great challenge! I think this has a lot in common with the power of 'storytelling'. If the story you are telling yourself and others all day is the whining kids, the awful boss, the bone-deep exhaustion, the jerks at the ___, etc, then that's what your life is about. But all those aspects can still be present in an entirely different (positive) life story of a person that chooses to focus on the other moments, has confidence in the possibility of change, etc etc (I'm not there yet, so I don't know how to make it happen, but you get the idea, I hope )

[DaughterOfKali]

I've already failed.