Complaint-free mama support group - Page 2

[sweetpeppers]

Originally Posted by Fuamami

So you have to eliminate all complaints? Are no complaints valid or healthy?

Interesting concept! I'll have to read it.

I was thinking today about how many people complain about their children in order to brag about them, ykwim? My in-laws do this all the time, they tell some super-cute story about their kids, but the way they tell it implies that the child set the school on fire or something. It's kind of weird.

That's one of the things he talks about in the book. Complaining is bragging. I think a lot of the complaining about our kids falls into that category. "Well, my kid is so high needs, I didn't sleep for 6 years after he was born! [and therefore I am a better AP mother than you.]" Or we use it to make excuses. If I complain that I'm a single mother, and I just don't have time to exercise, I'm making excuses for the fact that I feel out of shape. Rather than channel that energy into doing what exercise that I can do with my son.

[sweetpeppers]

Originally Posted by Katielady

I definitely feel I need to read the book and learn more. My mom was raised to bottle up all her feelings, especially any negative ones, and I want to be careful not to go down that path. I imagine there is a fine line between thinking positive and negating one's feelings. But I have a feeling that the idea isn't to avoid ever expressing negative feelings, but to stop the cycle of pointless venting that many of us tend to go through.

Not complaining doesn't mean that you don't try to change things. Complaining actually does nothing to improve my life. There is a big difference between saying to a friend, "My son never sleeps, he throws food on the floor, and my daughter refuses to use the potty anymore." And her saying, "I know, my daughter hates all vegetables, and my older daughter is saying nasty words." And you know how the conversation goes from there... And saying to a friend whose parenting style you respect, "My son has been throwing food on the floor, how do/did you handle this?" The first is destructive, and encourages the other person to start picking out all the flaws in their children too. The second is constructive: applying your combined experience to a problem.

In the book, he has this example where he says, telling the waiter your soup is cold and asking for it to be warmed up is not complaining. Berating the waiter or whining to your dinner companion after he leaves--that is complaining.

[aprons_and_acorns]

Originally Posted by blackbird2

Great challenge! I think this has a lot in common with the power of 'storytelling'. If the story you are telling yourself and others all day is the whining kids, the awful boss, the bone-deep exhaustion, the jerks at the ___, etc, then that's what your life is about. But all those aspects can still be present in an entirely different (positive) life story of a person that chooses to focus on the other moments, has confidence in the possibility of change, etc etc (I'm not there yet, so I don't know how to make it happen, but you get the idea, I hope )

I LOVE this. It's so true!

Great thread

[Anglyn]

Ok, I get it. Complaining = whining (which I hate) as opposed to actually fixing the problem! Years ago I remember saying that if I ever put on weight I would either a. do something to fix it or b. live with and be happy with who I was but that I would never do c. just bitch about it all the time while doing nothing to change it.

I feel like my mom does this. Everything in her life is horrible and none of it is her fault and she will do nothing to change the things she dislikes.

Also, I never thought about complaining as bragging til now but I get that too. I was telling my dh about my brother complaining about how much money his wife spends, that she spend 150 dollars getting her hair done and dh said, that's his way of bragging about how much money he makes. I didn't agree, but reading all these posts, I think I do now.

I use to be very positive and I don't know why, but since moving back "home" around my family, I have picked up their habits, complaining about everyone behind their backs, etc. I also bitch a lot about the kids not going to bed at a reasonable hour but I haven't exactly done anything to fix that.

So I'm in totally! I use to say I don't believe in new years resolutions because you don't make major changes just because it's January. If you need to change something, just do it!

[sweetpeppers]

Instead of...try...

I was just re-reading the book, and came across this chart.

Instead of... Try.....
Problem Opportunity
Have to Get to
Setback Challenge
Enemy Friend
Tormentor Teacher
Pain Signal
I demand I would appreciate
Complaint Request
Struggle journey
You did this I created this.


I was reading this when I was feeling somewhat down about my circumstances. And I decided to go through the positive word list and reframe my situation. This is what I wrote:

I have the opportunity to experience life without having to rely on money. I get to live by my own creativity rather than using money as the answer for every discomfort. It is an exciting challenge to be hungry, out of gas, without electricity, etc, a challenge few of us in the United States ever get to experience. I am blessed to be facing this with my friend (my son) who teaches me every day about trust, joy, patience, and simplicity. My discomfort is a signal that I need to be taking more care with what I eat and exercising. I would really appreciate a shower in a way I never did before. I request that my son speak to me kindly. I created this journey to grow as a person, mother, and woman, to get in touch with my inner power.

After I finished writing this I was infused with new energy. I was excited about the very things that I had been stressing about. And in that energy I came up with some great ideas to improve our daily life. It was a life changing experience. And I just had to share it.

[LionTigerBear]

Wow, this is really cool. I am so in! I have to admit, I am a horrible complainer and now my children are modeling the same behavior! I know I need to set a better example.

I just put an old bracelet on and it will stay on for 21 days-- possibly switching sides, though! I'm not sure when I will buy the book but it looks so intriguing.

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by Katielady

I definitely feel I need to read the book and learn more. My mom was raised to bottle up all her feelings, especially any negative ones, and I want to be careful not to go down that path. I imagine there is a fine line between thinking positive and negating one's feelings. But I have a feeling that the idea isn't to avoid ever expressing negative feelings, but to stop the cycle of pointless venting that many of us tend to go through.

Once I was driving to the grocery store on Thanksgiving Eve, which is apparently the biggest road rage day of the year. NPR was doing a story on that, and a shrink said that studies have shown that when you tell a story about something that made you angry, that it doesn't actually make you feel better but instead makes you relive the experience all over again. So say someone cuts you off and almost makes you crash, and you get mad. When you get home and tell everyone about it, you experience the same feelings and physical reactions as when the initial event happened- your heart races, your blood boils, you're furious all over again. He said that we're taught that venting is healthy and lets off steam, where in fact it tends to make the steam build up even more. It makes sense to me. Since then I've tried (not with a lot of success) to let go of those types of experiences, and just move on.

I am curious to see whether if I try this, it will rub off on my spouse and others around me, or whether they'll just think I'm acting weird. I would love it if the people close to me complained less as well.

You know the advice to go scream into a pillow or slug your pillow? Never, ever worked for me. Just made me feel worse.

And I totally see what the shrink means about venting about a super angry experience. Yes, you are just re-living it.

But the difference is that if you are re-telling it to loved ones the outcome of the experience the second time is different. At the end of the re-telling your loved ones are there to commiserate and tell you, yeah, that was totally unfair!

I guess that can be good and bad.

[bri276]

In A Complaint Free World, he talks about how our lives our created by our thoughts, and our words manifest our thoughts. So by changing our words and thoughts, we can change how we experience our lives.

I have absolutely noticed the complaining mom syndrome before, and have been guilty of it myself. I do think it's a good idea to quit mindless complaining (especially stuff that isn't really even true, when you think about it). But this part bothers me a little- is this sort of like the LOA stuff, where if something bad happens to you, it's your fault because you manifested it? I personally don't read books like that because I think it's a slippery slope to "people with diseases/disabilities brought them on themselves by not being positive enough" and I have a huge problem with that mindset. Otherwise, I would really like to read the book...

[JessicaS]

Hello!

I am moving this to Personal Growth which is a Support Board and it seems to fit in there better.

Thanks!

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by blackbird2

confidence in the possibility of change...

I kinda like that.