Soooo . . . when exactly do I get a secure, confident kid?

[RoseDuperre]

I'm getting very frustrated, so please forgive me if this sounds venty or whiny at times. Let me just say that I TOTALLY DO believe in AP, and I'm not really wavering in my beliefs, even if what follows sounds like I am.

My almost two year old is nowhere near becoming the confident, secure, independent child I thought was supposed to come out of AP. I do NOT expect her to be fully independent, mind you; I mean, she's only two. But I know, firsthand through other kids and through reading, that all two year olds are not like this.

Background: 22.5 months, breastfed and still going strong, cosleeping, I still wear her regularly but not constantly. I've stayed at home with her from day one. Her dad and I live together - he works a LOT but tries to get home by dinnertime a few nights a week, and can watch her for a few hours at a time on weekends if he doesn't have to work.

The clinginess is making me seriously so frustrated and resentful. At home, she freaks out if I leave the room. I cannot cook dinner, clean or get client work done (I am primarily a SAHM at the moment, working towards becoming a postpartum doula) because she won't play nearby with her toys. I have tried wearing her to get things done, but unless we're walking around somewhere in public, she rarely wants to be in the sling anymore. She is VERY strong-willed. She also tantrums out of frustration sometimes. I threw them as a kid too, and I'm compassionate about it, but on top of everything else it really has me at my last nerve. She cries if she's left with anyone else (which I rarely do, period, and it is hardly ever for more than 2 or maybe 3 hours). Sometime she calms down a little bit - but sometimes she's unhappy the entire time.

This includes her own father. She used to be better with him, but lately she won't even hang out with him if we're both in the house. And I thought things were looking up with the Childwatch at the Y; we eased into that environment so slowly I think they thought I was being a little ridiculous - we started with 5 minutes, then 10, then 15, over MONTHS, starting when she was about 14 months old. In the last 3 months there was a lot of improvement, to the point where I could even take an hour-long class a few times a week. Suddenly, she started freaking out about it again. The last time I was there, she would not let me put her down - the whole cling-to-me-like-a-koala thing, hiking her feet up so they won't touch the ground, wailing the whole time.

We have tried a drop-off daycare place that seemed OK at first (part of its appeal was the flexibility, which I am going to need for some doula clients), but Lily HATED IT and was never ever happy there - we tried 2x a week an hour or so at a time, over a couple months. It was just miserable. And a waste of money (money that we really don't have) ultimately. She has been a little better with a teenaged babysitter that we found (daughter of a friend), which is helpful in some instances but it's less practical for any sort of regular work.

At home, just to get some cooking, bathroom, work time, I am a bit ashamed to admit that I resorted to Sesame Street videos as of a few months ago, and we now have a full-blown Elmo addict. She wakes up asking for Ummo. (Okay, first nursie, then 'Um-mo', but it's a close second.) This AT LEAST used to buy me some time, but now? She freaks out if I leave her on the couch to watch, where she used to be FINE.

Now I not only have a TV addict, and worry about her developing ADD and being uninterested in reading as a result, NOW I CAN'T EVEN LEAVE THE ROOM WHILE SHE WATCHES! She comes to wherever I am and tries to drag me to the couch with her, and flips out if I refuse. I think this would be understandable if I had been away from her all day, and then came home and just plopped her in front of the TV, but we have been together, and I mean glued to each other, ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY by the time I finally relent and put on the Red Devil, as he's come to be known around here.

I feel like such a major momfail. Sorry for the novel, this has just been building for a while. I love her SO MUCH, but the clinginess and tantrums are really becoming demoralizing.

This is not an indictment of AP. At all. Ethically and developmentally, it all makes perfect sense to me. But I am starting to worry that I've done AP all wrong somehow. Please tell me this is a phase, please tell me other cling-ons snap out of it - and hopefully SOON.

[JessicaTX]

I had a velcro baby like that. It passed. She's seven now, and the most confident secure kid I know. But she was very clingy until about 4 and a half honestly.

[weliveintheforest]

I'm sure this is a phase! She sounds normal, and I think that allowing her to get what she needs from you now will have benefits down the road.

I was wondering though, as I was reading, how much sleep she gets? My kids get super clingy and demand tv when they haven't had enough. I also have a hard time when they don't go to bed early enough for me to have some 'me' time.

[InMediasRes]

DS has had severe separation anxiety issues since birth, but that time period from 21mo-24ish mo was the WORST! It got better and better until about 2.5yo and then it seemed like he was handling me leaving just fine. He still gets nervous if he loses sight of me in a store or if I leave without his necessary amount of warning, but he isn't stuck to me like glue quite so much anymore.

And for all my belief in AP, sometimes you just don't get a secure kid. Wish it was that easy.

[stormborn]

It's not you Mama! Just a combo of the temperment she was born with and being 2. That sounds a lot like my 8 yo at that age and while I don't remember at what age she unstuck herself from my legs...she did eventually.

[Litcrit]

That sounds SO frustrating!

My daughter went through a really clingy phase around the time she turned two. I couldn't leave her with her dad who was there with her 24/7 (we were both sort-of-SAHPs - long story) for 5 mins to go to the store. Now, at three, she spoke to me words that were music to my ears: "Go away!" (she was playing with a friend of mine and they were having fun in the other room and I peeped in to see what they were doing and apparently it disrupted them )

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 1/11/11 at 10:14am

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by InMediasRes

And for all my belief in AP, sometimes you just don't get a secure kid. Wish it was that easy.

I think it's that you get a secure adult child out of it, lol. And that's really the goal of parenting, to raise a child to be the best adult they can be.

Much of non-AP parenting focuses on the short term "how to get my child to fit into my lifestyle" type stuff. AP is about meeting the child's needs at 2 and 3 and 4 so when they are adults they have emotional security that enables them to love and give to their little ones like we did to them. AP isn't a trick to get 2 yos to not want their mommies.

Anyway, my ds would only watch tv with me next to him when he was 3. Sesame St can be quite scary for some kids. Kids develop more fears at age 3 and 4 because they become more aware of how big the world is, how mommy and daddy can't fix everything, etc. Sometimes the things they were fine with at age 2 stop being fine at age 3 and 4. I think it generally starts easing up after that for most kids. Mine needed more time than most but I won't scare you with tales of my cosleeping 8 yo.

[jenfl]

Oh, man, that sounds rough!

I also have a more-dependent daughter. It's not an AP, non-AP thing -- it's just a personality thing. And remember -- she's still SO YOUNG!

Right around 2 was particularly rough for us, too. Lots of clinginess to me, rejecting of my DH, and refusal to let us out of her sight.

But slowly things changed -- by about 2.5, she was happily playing independently for an hour or so at a time. It's all cyclical, though -- now, at nearly 3, she's back to needing us around more. But it's not NEARLY as bad as 2 was!

I don't have any advice about daycare or TV. Something that helped us with the DH situation was to set up Daddy-Daughter Days each week, when the two of them would go out and do... something. If we couldn't get a DDD in that week, he took over primary care when all 3 of us were together. That meant he got her food, changed her diaper, etc. For a while, she would protest and cry for me. But then she would get used to it and their relationship would be much better for a few days.

Hugs. It can be rough to be EVERYTHING to a person.

[LuxPerpetua]

I agree about how AP is about raising a secure adult, not necessarily a child (who is still learning and changing).

My dd was very much like that at that age. She's always been high needs and strong-willed, so it was her personality. At 4 she's going through another clingy phase but it's less severe. I've just come to accept it. We did do a few Max and Ruby DVDs and a nature DVD at age 2 just so I could have a break (I'm an introvert) and to help take dd's mind off of eating (we would watch them during meals when she had gaggy sensory issues with eating). I'm not ashamed of this, and it hasn't hurt her in the least. We did this for about a year and then weaned her off of them at age 3--started sitting at the table at meals, and started reading with dinner. We also took out our TV and put in an aquarium, which we adore. Perhaps you might consider something similar in the future if you're worried. Also, perhaps you could get some Elmo books so when she asks for Elmo you could pull out a book and an Elmo stuffed toy or something instead. I loved the Max and Ruby DVDs because they were very slow paced, interesting, and short (each episode is only 7 mins), so if you need to keep doing DVDs you might want to consider something like this. You can also get the Max and Ruby books by Rosemary Wells that are well-done and upon which the show was based (not the other way around), which will be good for transitioning away from the TV (this is what we did). Dd also never had an issue with being characer-obsessed, but I don't know if that's just because Elmo has this weird effect upon kids or if it was just her personality. Hang in there--the clinginess got a lot better at age 3.

[mtiger]

I have to agree that the 5-10-15 minute thing with a caregiver (daycare or other) is counter-productive. It might make more sense to see if you can spend a few times there, with you staying, so she can get familiar with the routine, caregivers, and other kids. It will give her a certain comfort level for when you do leave her for a bit on her own. I would talk to the lead teacher to see what would work best from their experience. Your daughter is not the first to be in this spot, nor will she be the last.

[InMediasRes]

Originally Posted by 4evermom

I think it's that you get a secure adult child out of it, lol. And that's really the goal of parenting, to raise a child to be the best adult they can be.

Oh, this is what I meant. Focusing on the needs of the child, rather than getting them to do what you want or what is convenient, is my goal as a parent, and recognizing that your child has more difficulty in this area does not make you a bad parent or bad at AP (whatever that means).

Here's some info from Dr. Green on separation anxiety in the last half of the second year:

At this time, toddlers have emerging language skills and a strong desire to communicate. They have developed a rich, multimedia array of ways to communicate with you that strangers just don’t understand. The second peak of separation anxiety usually fades as language skills improve.

In some children, the two peaks run together, resulting in separation anxiety for up to 8 months or so at a stretch.

Separation is usually a dominant issue from about 6 months until language is understood by strangers

Read more: http://www.drgreene.com/azguide/sepa...#ixzz0gqvTFnDc

I had my son in child care with a friend for 4 hours 2 days a week from 18 mo until 2 years, and he did great at the start, got really used to my friend, had a great time with her DD, etc. Then one day he was suddenly not okay with it. Since I was in school, I couldn't just pull him out. I respected his need to have more transition time, but ultimately, I knew he was comfortable with my friend and just needed more time letting go. He always whined a bit when I left, and I waved through the window, and then my friend would call and say that he was fine as soon as I drove away. When I came to pick him up, he never wanted to leave! I think you will need to put a lot of initial work into making a care situation work, but I think you can do it. I agree that 5 minutes is definitely not enough.

[claddaghmom]

I just wanted to say....my mom did "AP" on all her kids and it was a toss up. Some kids were really outgoing, others were really wary and clingy. It's just an expression of their temperament and nothing to worry about. And IMO, for those kids who do have that added anxiety, I think AP is especially helpful to them, as opposed to either breaking their spirit/trust or freaking them out even more.

I wonder if some of what you describe (are we the same person? hehe only it's Barney the dino over here) is more due to being at home alone? DD won't even let me go to the bathroom alone! But if we go somewhere, anywhere, with other people, she drops the clingies instantly. For example, if we go to the park on a busy day, she just runs off and plays. And will scream when it's time to go. Maybe they are a bit scared of the quiet in the house...???


At any rate, for the siblings who were clingy, they grew out of it by 4-5 years of age.

[LynnS6]

It sounds to me like you need a break. A regularly scheduled break. Can her dad take her on an outing one morning a week? I suggest an outing because my kids are always happier to go somewhere and leave me behind than they are for me to leave.

As hard as it is, I'm also going to suggest some 'tough love' when it comes to the tantrums about you staying there to watch TV. Give her the choice of coming with you or watching - so you're not forcing her to be alone, but you are letting her know that you have other things to do.

Remember that your job is different from when she was an infant. Now your job is to teach her to manage her very strong emotions. At 22 months (I really like to be accurate about ages, because "2" is different from 22 months), she's got very few resources to deal with those emotions. That's OK. What you want to do is show her that her emotions are not too scary. They're not so scary that mom will drop everything to prevent her crying. Mom will be there when she needs comfort, but sometimes, a girl just has to get that tantrum out. (Yep, I've got a tantrumer too, and I was one as a child. Really, prevention only goes so far.)

Finally, I'd recommend:
Raising Your Spirited Child
The Active Alert Child

[orangefoot]

I read the title and thought that you must have a much older child! I have kids from 16 to 3yo and two year olds look very small to all of us even to my youngest!

Really a two year old is still a very small person and is still unable to fend for themselves in many ways so being attached to you is what they need to keep them going. This can be wearing - I've got four children and I really know what you mean when you say you can't get away from them!

Also at this age they are learning all sorts of things about life by being with you and seeing what you do every minute of the day. it doesn't seem positive to you right now but her knowing where you are and that you re there for her is very reassuring to her at this stage.

Put your worries over her having ADD, being addicted to tv and never reading to one side. My boys were avid tv/video watchers who turned into avid readers and avid gamers. They aren't bad people - honest. There was a time when we watched Pingu or Tom and Jerry on a loop.

Hang on in there, it will change.

[limabean]

I think most of it is her age. I would describe my 22-month-old DD as secure and confident in general, but boy is she a clingy little thing lately! She does the exact same stuff you described -- whining if we're sitting on the couch together and I get up to do something, even something as quick as getting a book for us to read! She has to come with us everywhere in the house, and trying to cook with her whining at our feet is so frustrating (I really need to learn how to get her in the Beco on my back by myself). I think it's just a phase, and I know all my AP efforts are still beneficial and are just brewing within her and creating solid building blocks for the future.

Almost-2 is a tough age.

[alegna]

Dd was like that at that age. At playgroups (where she knew all the people present, and the location) she wouldn't leave my lap for more than an hour.

Now? She's 5.5 and doesn't care if I'm anywhere near lol At our homeschool co-op she often tells me to go away

I didn't even leave her with dh until she was 18 months (b/c she nursed ALL the time and wanted me close)

Hang in there!

-Angela

[bandgeek]

I started noticing a big difference around age 4 I think.

[phoebemommy]

Mine at 2 was like that to the extreme. Now, at 3.5 he can amuse himself for a couple hours at a time, doesn't require much supervision, plays outside wisely by himself (I keep watch from the window), is mostly cool with me leaving him, loves talking to other adults and kids.

The only thing I can suggest is nurture the independence wherever you find it! But I think it'll come with a little more time.

[meemee]

yup i too agree. you need a break.

snot only to give you breathing room, but also have the time to introspect and see the whole picture.

first let me say your dd is bang on target. this is total normal behaviour. she is going thru her second phase of what is it called - stranger anxiety, separation anxiety.

you are asking for understanding when she is going thru possibly the worst time of her life. yes. she is trying to figure out how to control her emotions and express them 'properly'. she is trying to figure out what social norms are.

the only true medicine is - a break for yourself. one biggest wrong thing we have formed an idea of AP is taking such good care of our children that we forget ourselves. that is v. v. wrong. AP is taking care of both parent and child.

instead of CIOing your child, you have CIOed yourself.

and as your situation shows, that hasnt been successful either.

temperament plays a huge deal in how our children work out at what age.

my friend and i are both AP with 7 year olds.

her son is the geeky 7 year old who STILL wont part with mom (not room, but wont do for playdate without mom). there is my dd whom i called a leech baby. she has been super independent since she was 4 and yet even today she still needs me a great deal emotionally, which sometimes means she is ON me for a while.

you know i remember myself at 2 coming to the point of enough is enough. i used to joke at work that i came to work because it was a vacation. it is a hump that most of us parents reach. its a wakeup call to start taking care of ourselves.

so do whatever it takes to take care of yourself. snatch bits and pieces of time to yourself. leave dd with someone else and see what she does. does she scream and cry for 5 mins and then is ok? with my dd i remember she used to get really angry and work herself into a huge tantrum. that lasted for about 5 mins and then she would be fine.

i specifically took breaks when she was at her best. which was in the morning after bfast. if i tried in the evening forget it. there is no way she would put up with anyone but me.

however i have found - that the more i take care of her the faster she got out of her neediness phase. the more she wanted the more i gave and got the reassurance she needed. later i discovered she has anxiety so me being there was a huge benefit to her - which i didnt realise till much later.

there were two points of time in my dd's lfie that i was happy to give her away. and i seriously mean it.