Giving 2 wk notice to mom that I babysit for..need advice(long)

[larksongs]

I am a homeschooling mother of one boy (9). I babysit and give homework help to mothers/children I know locally. I am not professional so the mothers know this. The things we do here are very in line with homeschooling philosophy and gentle discipline. If I work with a child on homework or artistically I work with them in a respectful and kind of organic way. It works. I am deeply against ageism and I have a pretty good deal of patience. I enjoy working with kids and I think I'm good at it. I put forth a lot of conscious effort to practice what I preach as far as respecting children and giving them attention.

I began regularly babysitting a girl (8) at the beginning of the school year and I have to quit.

One of the reasons is I cannot work with her academically, I am not a good fit with her or the amount of homework she has and what her mother asks of me I am not willing to do. On and off mom has told me to NOT allow her to play AT ALL and only study for the hours that she is here. NO.

Second of all I feel that the child has deep issues that I cannot help her with. I haven't gotten through to mom on the homework issue. Hours of it a night and I haven't gotten through on other levels.

I will list a few major points.

-Lost her father two years ago. Has never received grief counsel or real acknowledgment.

-Her daughter is RUDE. Rolls her eyes and says Ugh when I ask her how her day was and says "Don't ask me it's annoying"(Not her day me talking to her.)

-endangers herself for example "Please don't run on the ice on the sidewalk" "But it's fun" does it anyway.

-Breaks things , too rough for her age with toys and respecting property.

-Fails to communicate. This is hard for me to explain, but she communicates almost in an observational fashion , more in line with a 5 yr old i.e"The room is pink, the cat is so cute, I like this, I don't like that"

-My son loathes her but is consistently nice to her. It is not fair to him

-I have made no progress with her academically.


Please don't flame me, but I do not like being around her. I find her grating to be around . I mean this with no malice but she speaks and acts a bit like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka. It is very difficult to handle. I really don't think this is her fault and I am really concerned for her. What really upsets me is that other adults , other parents and even her mother's boss that I met once have expressed a real dislike for her.Everyone has a deep intolerance for her rudeness but I believe a fear of saying anything because of the loss of her father. I think the rudeness will be crippling to her socially.

I have to quit because I think it is wrong for me to watch a child that I don't like being around. It is also unfair to her academically because I can't make progress and I would like her mom to find someone who can.

I'm feeling pretty bad right now about it. But I decided that I must quit. Today I took her to her class in the city and she was nothing but rude and miserable . She had a pink satin ballet bag when we were waiting for the bus home and she put it on the dirty floor.A nice old woman said "What a pretty bag oops it's getting dirty" I asked her if she would let me hold it.She shook her head then She looked at me and the woman and started rubbing her muddy shoe all over the bag. She was unpleasant and rude the rest of the way home.

This is typical and constant.

She is not a bad girl. She is quite innocent and I think pretty angry and confused and just mixed up emotionally. She will go from the morose to manic.

I am so worried about her. I don't know if mom really gets that , or is willing to face that her daughter needs something more than a baby sitter or homework help.

I have tried talking to mom gently about the school issue and about her anger/sadness issues but mom's answer is always She just needs to study and she dumps 'stuff' on the girl, like gifts and material things to buy off her sadness.

The mother is a good woman who was dealt double loss ...the loss of a baby before this child then the loss of her husband . I feel very badly for her and I know she is in a lot of pain.

I feel like I really haven't been clear on this girl's need for intervention. I am just very concerned for the disdain that other people have for her, not just a lot of her classmates(she is starting to get picked on because the kids think she is annoying) but because adults don't have patience for her .

If it was just a kid I couldn't handle or whatever I might make up a lame excuse as to why I couldn't watch the child anymore but the mother has been willing to listen to some suggestion and I don't want to quit without addressing my concerns in a more blunt but gentle way.

One of the major milestones I have made was for mom to see that her daughter is trying HER best academically. I suggested more mother daughter book trips and less shame about what she was or was not reading.

I feel a lot of guilt right now . I feel a lot of concern for this kid. I want to be clear to mom though about her daughter's issues because her mom hired me without getting any references or knowing me at all. I think that she saw me with other kids and got a gut feeling about me. I want to gently suggest to her not to be careless like that though and be honest in a gentle way that her daughter really requires special attention.

I am around kids a lot. I have watched a couple of kids that were the so-called 'come- from- a -bad -home -kids', and 'almost' always found a way to 'get in touch ' with them where they would settle down and be respectful and communicative. They were kids with maybe bad outside influences but with an ability to engage once you knew how they needed to be heard. But I am failing this girl.

What's worse is to mom I'm working out great. She knows that her daughter is safe with me, she knows I bend over backwards to make her happy. She knows I give her extra attention, that I do crafts with her, buy her holiday presents, I even knitted her a blanket in her fave colour I want her to find someone like that but who can give her the help she needs.

How can I talk to mom in a nice way but in which I can be heard. If you were in her shoes what would you want to hear and how would you want to hear it?

Help!

[csekywithlove]

Wow. That's a tough one. First of all, are you sure you cannot it no way, absolutely help this kid? I mean it sounds like you really care and feel for what she and mother have gone through.

Have you discussed the behavior with her mother at all? Does she act this way at home and how does the mother deal with it?

Also I would recommend a sort of conference and tell her your concerns and see if maybe the mother would be interested in the little girl going to therapy to see if that helps...

Honestly I don't think there is anyway to quit and get your concerns across without perhaps offending the mother... I just don't know... I would try every avenue before quitting. And the mother may take this one of two ways, she may be okay with it and give it a shot and then she may not want you to work with her... so. Maybe you, her mother, and teacher at school could collaborate and get the child into a structured setting that will allow her to express and cope with her feelings, grow emotionally, and learn all at the same time. Wow that is a tall order.... But I implore you not to give up just yet.

Hang in there.

[Ann-Marita]

Have your considered getting in touch with her teacher or school counselor? Having another adult to back you up may give you the strength to get through to her mom.

Poor kid.

[Equuskia]

First off, I commend you for understanding this poor girl and seeing that she is a good kid with a LOT of baggage. I mean, goodness, she lost her dad when she was 6. It doesn't sound like she's processing his death in a very healthy way, and mom isn't helping or getting help herself. You said so yourself, you are not a professional, and she definitely needs professional help. Getting the help of a teacher or counselor sounds like a great idea, because mom seems to be...out of touch with reality.

[Aubergine68]

I have done home child care for several years, including working with our local children's services to provide care for children with special learning and emotional needs.

First of all, thank-you for loving and caring so much for the children in your program. They are very lucky to have your thoughtful and creative time and attention.

I can understand totally what you are saying, that you not have the resources to work with this girl. I also understand you not wanting to be another adult who fails this little girl.

I think you should tell the mom exactly what you have told us, without sugarcoating it.

Is it possible that you can make a list of what would have to change in order for you to continue working with this child, even on a probationary basis?

---she'd have to have less homework to do and time to play

--she (and her mom? ) would have to be in counseling for her behavior, which you believe to be grief-related.

-- she'd have to be working on respectful, safe and kind behavior to you and others.

Anything else? I'd make the biggest pie-in-the-sky list I could and research options in advance, so I could hand phone numbers for counsellors and grief support programs to the mom right there.

I think such a conversation could be the wake-up call that this mom seems to need.

[crunchy_mommy]

You know, I think what you've written here shows how much you care about this little girl. It sounds like her mom is struggling so much with her own grief that she isn't fully recognizing what her daughter is going through. I would suggest writing the mother a long, heartfelt letter. You can include a lot of what you wrote here. I would also take the time to look up a few local resources she might turn to (for counseling, academic help, etc.) and list those at the end of the letter along with the names & numbers of specific people that may be able to help her. It's totally not your job to go to these extra lengths but I sense that you really want to help & the mother is just unable to make this effort herself. Maybe you could even offer to make a few calls & set up something for her -- I have a feeling she may be just too overwhelmed to be able to do this herself, but since she trusts you, maybe she'd be willing to follow your recommendations.

[LynnS6]

Assuming that getting mom to change doesn't work, I'd be direct, but kind

"I'm sorry, I cannot meet your daughter's needs right now. She needs someone who is better trained to deal with learning issues and behavior issues related to grief. I can care for her until _____________, and then you'll need to find new care for her."

You don't want to beat around the bush, especially since it sounds (from things you posted earlier) like there are cultural/language issues.

I would also gather together information, if you can, on area resources for her child. Is there anyone who specializes in tutoring children with learning difficulties? What resources are there for children who've lost a parent? (Many local hospitals have programs, for example.) You can give her those resources and hope that she takes you up on them.

[BetsyNY]

I agree with Lynn. Keep it short and to the point. I would also mention to her that her behavior is a social liability--she needs to get that worked out. I think you could also make counseling a condition of her staying in your care.

I also think the other posters have good points, but if it's not working for your family, it's not working for your family. I also don't think it's fair to make you take on the role of homework heavy, especially because this sounds like a point of conflict and she's totally abdicated that role to you--which isn't your responsibility.

From what you've described it sounds like she's very immature. That thing you described with the bag and rubbing her shoe on it sounds *exactly* like something my four-year-old would do.

[kcstar]

Originally Posted by larksongs

-Lost her father two years ago. Has never received grief counsel or real acknowledgment.

-Her daughter is RUDE. Rolls her eyes and says Ugh when I ask her how her day was and says "Don't ask me it's annoying"(Not her day me talking to her.)

I'm sorry I don't have a whole lot of advice, but I do have a very little bit of insight into these two bullets, that may or may not be useful.

My mom died at the end of January. My littlest brothers are 17 and 18 years old, still in high school. The 17-year-old also has Asperger's. They missed/skipped school on Monday (the day after), but went back on Tuesday and Wednesday, then missed Thursday for the viewing and Friday for the funeral.

One of the evenings after they had returned to school, we asked them how they were doing. The 17-year-old was forthright "I wish people would quit asking me that question." Apparently he heard it way too much that day.

I have to admit, in that first week I tended to default to "fine", because the emotions are SO complex, and we had a lot of work to do that first week. Sorting through her things and setting up pictures, etc for Mom's memorial. I didn't feel like I could really sort through any of my feelings until I got back home and back into my own routine.

I'm sure things are / will be different two years later.

[r&mmommy]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

Assuming that getting mom to change doesn't work, I'd be direct, but kind

"I'm sorry, I cannot meet your daughter's needs right now. She needs someone who is better trained to deal with learning issues and behavior issues related to grief. I can care for her until _____________, and then you'll need to find new care for her."

You don't want to beat around the bush, especially since it sounds (from things you posted earlier) like there are cultural/language issues.

I would also gather together information, if you can, on area resources for her child. Is there anyone who specializes in tutoring children with learning difficulties? What resources are there for children who've lost a parent? (Many local hospitals have programs, for example.) You can give her those resources and hope that she takes you up on them.

As a provider, this is how I would handle a child I just couldn't help. I hate having to do it, and I feel like a failure, BUT me keeping a child I don't have the resources to care for would be failing that child. And my bottom line is that as much as I love the children in my care, this is my job and my own family needs to come first.
Good Luck.