Advice on how to deal with my toddler wanting to nurse all the time after birth of new baby......

[sarahtdubb]

Hi!

I have a 2.5 yo son and a 2 week old daughter, and we're tandem nursing. My son was only nursing a couple times a day before his lil sis was born, but now that she is here and nursing all the time, he wants to nurse all the time, too. And he is starting to freak when I say no-- crying, thrashing around, yelling, crawling all over me. Overall he has been AMAZING in this transition--he has stopped nursing to sleep at night, loves to kiss and hug his sister, and enjoys sharing mama milk with her. But the truth is, I need to be able to say no to him when he wants to nurse-- sometimes i don't want to deal with having them both nurse at the same time; other times I just need a break. Last night it became a bigger problem because I feel like he's regressing and is starting to insist on nursing at night again (he nightweaned about 2 months ago).

I hate saying no to him and making him sad, but I also need to be able to say no and have him not completely freak. Even mild freaking would be fine!!!

Any advice on good ways to say no to him? I'm going to get Playful Parenting this week--do you think that will give me ideas? Anyone with experience with this scenario? I know Adventures in Tandem Nursing suggests having a special nursing box for the toddler to play with while baby nurses-- any success with that? But it's not only when she nurses that he wants milk--- he's now back to asking for milk every time he is tired/bored/hungry.

This is making me feel terrible--- I'm doubting whether continuing to nurse him was the right thing to do, feeling like I've set him up for disappointment, like I'm destining our family life to constant chaos. My MIL suggested just offering him milk all the time so he has the chance to say "no" to me and doesn't always end up begging--- but mamas, I don't WANT him to nurse all the time.

Ideas? BTDT?

[LaughingHyena]

I found nursing at the kitchen table was helpful in distracting my older one. She loved playdough, stickers, crayons and anything like that but still needed plenty of supervision.

I used to keep a box of pictures and paper shapes along with a glue stick so we could get it out quickly.

I can't say it was the most comfortable place to nurse but it did work.

Another thing I made sure to do was when make sure I told DS that I was playing with DD now. I did feel a bit daft explaing to a baby only a couple of weeks old that I was putting him in his bouncy chair to play with his sister but it did seem to help. After all I spent a lot of time explaining to her she would have to wait while I attended to him.

Would it help to decide a few times when you are happy to nurse your DS, then you can explain he gets to nurse at naptime or whenever. It worked for us when I was wanting to wean.

[mom2grrls]

Do you have a sling you can nurse the baby in so you can stand instead of sit to nurse? That may deter him. Also I would try to eliminate "no" when you're answering his request to nurse. Like another poster suggested let him pick say 3 times of the day he wants to nurse or let him nurse as much as he wants but put a time limit on it, like by the time we count to 15(or whatever) it's time to stop. Good luck

[khaoskat]

What I ended up doing is explain to DS2 that DD needed to nurse first, because she needed my milk more than he does right now. That if after Sissy nursed mama was feeling up to it he could nurse.

I would also do things like put him charge of getting the Boppy or burp cloth, etc. That helped a lot.

There is going to be a bit of jealousy right now, as the baby is intruding upon his space/special time.

I am not looking forward to it in a few months, because I am currently pregnant and tandem nursing my almost 5 and 2 1/2 year olds.

[lil_miss_understood]

Originally Posted by khaoskat

What I ended up doing is explain to DS2 that DD needed to nurse first, because she needed my milk more than he does right now. That if after Sissy nursed mama was feeling up to it he could nurse.

I did this as well. I also started giving him time limits rather than saying no. The time doesn't have to be the same every time, but it helps if it is. I decided on 5 minutes. If I still feel like there's a lot of milk in "his" side (DS3 nurses from one side and DS2 from the other), I will do something for 10 minutes and then he gets another 5 minutes, just so he doesn't expect it to be longer.
I also give him a 1 minute warning and then a 10 count. With all of this, he will sometimes choose to unlatch at his 1 minute warning, sometimes when I start the countdown or before I'm finished and very rarely, he will just stay latched on and look at me with sad eyes (which breaks my heart). The last one is usually if he's still getting milk.
I have 3 exceptions to my 5 minute rule: nursing to sleep at night (but he still gets a countdown if DS3 needs attention from me for some reason while he's trying to nurse to sleep), night time nursings and his first nursing session of the day.
This has helped to control the meltdowns considerably. We very rarely have middle of the night meltdowns- usually only if DS3 wakes up for his middle of the night nursing session at EXACTLY the same time DS2 does. Otherwise, I nurse DS2 before I go to bed and then not again until morning. He does come and crawl into bed with us if he wakes up before morning though, waiting for "his turn". It makes me so sad and so proud at the same time.

[my_baby_love]

I went through the same thing with my DS1 when DS2 was born. They were the same ages as yours.

After much struggle with what worked best, I decided to let him nurse four times a day - after breakfast, after lunch, after dinner and before bed. I sat him down and made it very clear to him when his nursing times would be and told him that if he asked at other times of the day he would be told no. He did ask at other times of the day for a couple days, but I told him no, reminded him when his next nursing time would be, and promptly offered a distraction (food, toy, game, drink, etc.). He didn't like to be told no, but he didn't freak out or cry or anything after the first couple of requests and he handled it all really well.

I think he just needed the reassurance he could still nurse sometimes and needed to know when it was coming. Putting some clear limits on it really helped us both. I think that being told no at random times (when I just couldn't do it for whatever reason) and for no reason he could comprehend was making him more desperate to nurse so he was asking all the time. I also nursed the baby in the sling a lot so that he wouldn't see him nursing and ask to nurse.

It was really hard to tandem nurse in those early days and I applaud your effort! Just be honest with yourself about your limits and be honest with your child as well. It is a relationship after all and it needs to be working for both of you.