10 year old with new sibling acting out

[ktmeyer]

So...my 10 year old and I and his stepfather are all driving each other crazy. Lately my son, who was an only child until this month, has a need to argue with EVERYTHING. I'm fairly sure I could tell him to eat a slice of cake and he would argue. Its everything. And he get this smirk and says "I don't care" if you ground him or send him to his room. He is so obviously insecure, and looking for attention the wrong way (negative attention). But I don't know how to give him more attention, as he spends most of his free time outside playing with friends around the neighborhood. Or in the evenings he is doing homework, etc. Plus the evenings are the time the baby is fussy, so its the worst time for me to try to do things with him. I am at a loss. He is currently grounded, and says he wishes he had never been born, that he wishes i didnt exist, etc. We had to leave a cubscout banquet because he refused to take his hat off. (non uniform hat and it was a uniform only event). I'm so exhausted by this...

[CarrieMF]

He does NOT sound insecure & asking for more attention by acting out.

He DOES sound like a hormonal pre-teen boy whose entire life as he knew it has been turned inside out. Even without the baby the arguing about everything is normal for a pre-teen. If he argues with stuff that you know you're right about & he isn't learn to let it go. Give him the moment in the small stuff & save the arguments for the big stuff that will actually matter later.

If you want to spend more time with him, set up some stuff he likes to do for the weekends. Make sure that someone else can take care of the baby while you're doing stuff with him.

[ktmeyer]

I guess the reason I say he seems to be asking for more attention is he seems to use the arguing to keep us focused on him. So instead of a 2 minute conversation it turns into a 20 minute argument that keeps everyone in the house focused on him. I've learned in the past day or so to just say "it's not open for discussion" over and over. And I don't mean he's arguing about random topics. It's about the house rules. For instance, he showers every night, because he plays outside in the heat (we live in florida) and is sweaty and filthy and gross by the end of the day. But at least 2 times a week I tell him to go shower and it turns into an argument...."why do I have to shower", "Why can't I shower tomorrow", Why do I have to shower right now, why not later". I even typed up a schedule of his day, with what time he needs to shower in order to have time for his snack, bedtime, etc. But it's still an argument. Today with the hat was another example. He was told he wasn't allowed to wear the hat (which was verified by the pack leader). He refused to take it off, first wanting to know "why". When told it wasn't part of the uniform and this was a formal event and he was required to wear the uniform he then switched the argument to his hair was messed up. His hair was fine and I told him so. He continued to say it was too messed up to go without a hat. So he was told he could go in the bathroom and fix his hair (he has very short hair, just needs to wet it a bit and smooth it down at most ,but it really was FINE). He refused. We told him he had two options, sit in the car with the hat on while we attended the banquet, or take the hat off and go "fix" his hair. He just stood there doing neither. Finally he edged a bit towards the bathroom, then started whining about his hair again....it got ridiculous, he was now late for the event and so was my husband, the assistant pack leader. My husband went in, and I told michael he had been given choices, he didn't choose, now we were leaving. He proceeded to berate me the whole way home. My husband is furious that he had to waste his evening at a cubscout event sitting there by himself, without a scout, when he had plenty of other things he needed to do. He's tired of doing so much for ds and him acting ungrateful. So and I. He's grounded for the week, we will spend time together doing projects around the house, cleaning up, etc. He's allowed to read and draw but not watch TV or play xbox. He has continued to vascilate between kissing up and then when that doesn't get the punishment reversed he starts yelling about how he hates me all over again. Oh, and he isn't grounded because of the hat issue...he was already grounded beforehand. He earlier today was told VERY clearly to do something. He didn't do it, just stood there. So I told him to look at me, made sure I had his attention, then told him that if he didn't do what the grownups in the house told him to do then he would be grounded for a week, with no tv or xbox. He looked at me and continued to stand there, and did not do what he was told. (it was to go clean his room). So I took him by the arm and escorted him to his room and told him he was now grounded, as previously warned.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by ktmeyer

So...my 10 year old and I and his stepfather are all driving each other crazy. Lately my son, who was an only child until this month, has a need to argue with EVERYTHING...

IHMO, you need to cut your son some SERIOUS slack and spend some quality time with him.

Tell him you love him, no matter what. Find a way to do something together that he'll enjoy.

[CarrieMF]

He still sounds like a hormonal pre-teen to me. My 11yo dd(without any new changes in her life) is exactly the same way. Will argue to the death over something just for the sake of arguing. They're trying to enforce more control & independance in their lives.

If she doesn't want to shower she doesn't have to but I warn her she'll stink & kids at school will say something to her.

Did he WANT to go to the scouting event? Was it just you/dh trying to get him to take his hat off or was it the leaders(not dh as a leader) telling him the rules too?

Is dh your son's dad or a stepdad?

[ktmeyer]

DH is his stepfather. He did want to go to the event, but not that badly. And another leader said no hat, but I don't think Michael heard her, as he was off pouting. We did tell him that she said no hat.

He was a lot better yesterday, I think just spending some time together helped. And we are going to start going on a mini date once a week, leaving the baby with my husband, to make sure he knows he gets special time with me.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by ktmeyer

DH is his stepfather. He did want to go to the event, but not that badly.

Could your son feel like Dh isn't going to like him so much now that he has a 'real' child of his own? I can see why your son would feel very odd about his place in your new family and wonder where exactly he fits in.