And yet, I can't seem to open up my trap and say something.
We are in a tough living situation, we are too broke to move elsewhere. My husband and I are 19, approaching 20. We live in the basement of MILs house. She lives on the first floor with her DH, 15yo DD, and DH's Uncle (FILs brother). MIL's father and mother live upstairs from her, and MILs cousin and his wife and three children live in the attic apartment. Yes, very less than ideal.
We pay little to nothing for rent, have many amenities, have food availible to us almost every day (though not my ideal choice of food, but that's a story for another post).
As I said, DH's uncle lives upstairs. Background on him.. He's in his late 30s. He is an illegal immigrant, and I think that is one of the main reasons he lives with us (he has a small room next to the kitchen). Aside from that.. it is strange. He used to be an alcoholic and nearly died and has been sober for at least 5 years, probably more. He has only had one girlfriend that my DH knows of, and they split some years ago. Recently he has been really moody- just figured I'd add that. My MIL told me that "he needs a woman". We're not sure what's with his crankiness... if MIL doesn't put food on the table, if there is no hot water for a shower (which is often, what with 15 of us living in this house).. anything just gets him in a horribly bad mood and he'll outright ignore you or slam a door in your face- it is strange.
SO. DH's MIL's cousins (family in the attic) have three kids... 7yoDD, 4yoDS, 2yoDD. Said uncle is the 4yo's godfather but not close to him at all and appears to be really annoyed by him. He is very close to the 2yo girl AND my 2yo DD.
When DD was a baby (we moved in with them when she was 6mos old) he always wanted to hold her, etc. I thought it was okay, I felt that DHs family was deprived of my daughter (long story). Some things that strike me as odd..
-For awhile he would state that "He would be the godfather for both of our daughters and he would pay for their big 3yo birthday party, and it would be in a banquet hall and DD would have a beautiful dress and do a waltz and blah blah blah" until DH & I clued them in on the fact that we weren't baptizing and we don't like huge crazy parties for children, and that it wouldn't be happening.
-On one occasion he took DD, then 18mos, (without permission!) on a walk, at 8pm at night, down the street to 7-11. I had NO CLUE where she was, and ran around asking everyone. It was a family barbeque and I had stepped inside to the bathroom for a moment- learned my lesson the hard way, shame on me for being irresponsible.
-At DDs first birthday party, while she was opening up a special gift from DH & I, he ran to the table and plopped this bright pink and purple glittery trike down. Totally interrupting DD and frightening her a bit- kind of pushed us aside like "look at MY gift!"
-From the time DD was little, he'd always take her into his room, like I said, next to the kitchen. Door open, very small room (7x7 at the biggest, I'd think) and would sit with her at his computer desk and play with random trinkets and things). I always sat at the kitchen table, honestly a foot from the door, chatting with them and watching everything. I find it inappropriate and should really have asked that they sit at the kitchen table with me.
-DD has for a very long time been his wallpaper on his computer screen.
-He's really touchy feely with DD and above mentioned 2yo girl- not sure how much is too much, I grew up with just my mother and grandmother and we were very fond of kisses and hugs, so I have trouble seeing the "norm" but it does make me a bit uncomfy, and I try to deter DD from the situation when I see it happening. Example.. He'll whisk DD onto his lap and give a loud "smooch smooch smooch on her cheeks or in her hair" and say "how you doing mama, how are you, etc." Not even sure if this is cultural.. but no one else does it in the family. He does it to above mentioned 2yo as well but her mom doesn't bat an eye.
-Something that really freaked me out- he held my 2mo old in his arms for about an hour, she was sleeping. I was sitting next to him on the couch and I would inch closer or lean my head in to see the baby and he would inch away.
-Just today, I was playing with said 2yo and DD with wooden board puzzles on the floor. He comes out of his room, walks over to us and plops down on his knees, kind of sliding in front of me (between DD & I) and does the smooching thing. I didnt see it coming so I couldn't whisk her away.
-He is strangely amused by DD. One night, after dinner, DD was sitting across the table and in the middle of MIL and FIL having a conversation, uncle randomly firmly says "NO!" to DD, a few times. (All of us know that when someone says "no", she gets VERY sentimental and cries as if heartbroken). DD got sentimental and began crying and he starts laughing! I took DD downstairs and we cuddled for a bit. Poor thing. I discussed this with MIL but she seemed nonchalant about it.
SO.. you all probably get my point. I know I need to step up and stop this- I feel uncomfortable, they're MY children, and I have 100% say in what happens. We rely so much on MIL and have to and thank goodness she is here.. any helpful advice on how to discuss this situation with her? She loves her grandchildren and I hope that I can make a point to help her see where I'm coming from, it is just that they think we are strange. Our parenting is the exact opposite of theirs- we're crunchy, they're mainstream, we're not religious and they are VERY. We're just "weird" to them. How the heck can I discuss this with MIL and help her understand? Better yet, how can I put a stop to this without disrupting DHs family?
I feel like an idiot for having posted this-especially because I have been so irresponsible. Tomorrow MIL and I will be alone and I hope to discuss some things with her.. but I really need some guidance.
Thanks.
We are in a tough living situation, we are too broke to move elsewhere. My husband and I are 19, approaching 20. We live in the basement of MILs house. She lives on the first floor with her DH, 15yo DD, and DH's Uncle (FILs brother). MIL's father and mother live upstairs from her, and MILs cousin and his wife and three children live in the attic apartment. Yes, very less than ideal.
We pay little to nothing for rent, have many amenities, have food availible to us almost every day (though not my ideal choice of food, but that's a story for another post).
As I said, DH's uncle lives upstairs. Background on him.. He's in his late 30s. He is an illegal immigrant, and I think that is one of the main reasons he lives with us (he has a small room next to the kitchen). Aside from that.. it is strange. He used to be an alcoholic and nearly died and has been sober for at least 5 years, probably more. He has only had one girlfriend that my DH knows of, and they split some years ago. Recently he has been really moody- just figured I'd add that. My MIL told me that "he needs a woman". We're not sure what's with his crankiness... if MIL doesn't put food on the table, if there is no hot water for a shower (which is often, what with 15 of us living in this house).. anything just gets him in a horribly bad mood and he'll outright ignore you or slam a door in your face- it is strange.
SO. DH's MIL's cousins (family in the attic) have three kids... 7yoDD, 4yoDS, 2yoDD. Said uncle is the 4yo's godfather but not close to him at all and appears to be really annoyed by him. He is very close to the 2yo girl AND my 2yo DD.
When DD was a baby (we moved in with them when she was 6mos old) he always wanted to hold her, etc. I thought it was okay, I felt that DHs family was deprived of my daughter (long story). Some things that strike me as odd..
-For awhile he would state that "He would be the godfather for both of our daughters and he would pay for their big 3yo birthday party, and it would be in a banquet hall and DD would have a beautiful dress and do a waltz and blah blah blah" until DH & I clued them in on the fact that we weren't baptizing and we don't like huge crazy parties for children, and that it wouldn't be happening.
-On one occasion he took DD, then 18mos, (without permission!) on a walk, at 8pm at night, down the street to 7-11. I had NO CLUE where she was, and ran around asking everyone. It was a family barbeque and I had stepped inside to the bathroom for a moment- learned my lesson the hard way, shame on me for being irresponsible.
-At DDs first birthday party, while she was opening up a special gift from DH & I, he ran to the table and plopped this bright pink and purple glittery trike down. Totally interrupting DD and frightening her a bit- kind of pushed us aside like "look at MY gift!"
-From the time DD was little, he'd always take her into his room, like I said, next to the kitchen. Door open, very small room (7x7 at the biggest, I'd think) and would sit with her at his computer desk and play with random trinkets and things). I always sat at the kitchen table, honestly a foot from the door, chatting with them and watching everything. I find it inappropriate and should really have asked that they sit at the kitchen table with me.
-DD has for a very long time been his wallpaper on his computer screen.
-He's really touchy feely with DD and above mentioned 2yo girl- not sure how much is too much, I grew up with just my mother and grandmother and we were very fond of kisses and hugs, so I have trouble seeing the "norm" but it does make me a bit uncomfy, and I try to deter DD from the situation when I see it happening. Example.. He'll whisk DD onto his lap and give a loud "smooch smooch smooch on her cheeks or in her hair" and say "how you doing mama, how are you, etc." Not even sure if this is cultural.. but no one else does it in the family. He does it to above mentioned 2yo as well but her mom doesn't bat an eye.
-Something that really freaked me out- he held my 2mo old in his arms for about an hour, she was sleeping. I was sitting next to him on the couch and I would inch closer or lean my head in to see the baby and he would inch away.
-Just today, I was playing with said 2yo and DD with wooden board puzzles on the floor. He comes out of his room, walks over to us and plops down on his knees, kind of sliding in front of me (between DD & I) and does the smooching thing. I didnt see it coming so I couldn't whisk her away.
-He is strangely amused by DD. One night, after dinner, DD was sitting across the table and in the middle of MIL and FIL having a conversation, uncle randomly firmly says "NO!" to DD, a few times. (All of us know that when someone says "no", she gets VERY sentimental and cries as if heartbroken). DD got sentimental and began crying and he starts laughing! I took DD downstairs and we cuddled for a bit. Poor thing. I discussed this with MIL but she seemed nonchalant about it.
SO.. you all probably get my point. I know I need to step up and stop this- I feel uncomfortable, they're MY children, and I have 100% say in what happens. We rely so much on MIL and have to and thank goodness she is here.. any helpful advice on how to discuss this situation with her? She loves her grandchildren and I hope that I can make a point to help her see where I'm coming from, it is just that they think we are strange. Our parenting is the exact opposite of theirs- we're crunchy, they're mainstream, we're not religious and they are VERY. We're just "weird" to them. How the heck can I discuss this with MIL and help her understand? Better yet, how can I put a stop to this without disrupting DHs family?
I feel like an idiot for having posted this-especially because I have been so irresponsible. Tomorrow MIL and I will be alone and I hope to discuss some things with her.. but I really need some guidance.
Thanks.
s to you, mama!
I would be creeped out too. Is it possible he has some mental issues?
It's fun, it's funny, but it's not appropriate in most situations, including a multifamily home.
