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Bothered by DH's overly-touchy/close uncle. - Page 2

post #21 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by churndash View Post
People in this thread are accusing him.

It's a very serious thing, to call someone a child molester or a potential child molester. "Mama bear instinct" isn't an excuse for making unsupported, potentially devastating accusations.

We can protect our children without calling every male who likes children a child molester.
Here's the thing... I don't kiss my own children on the lips. I kiss their faces, like a cheek or forehead. Lip kissing is for lovers.

And not handing a baby back when asked? That totally violates my sense of propriety.

Maybe he's not a child molester... but I don't think any of that is okay. I would be scheming hard to change the living situation.
post #22 of 106
Here's the thing... I don't kiss my own children on the lips. I kiss their faces, like a cheek or forehead. Lip kissing is for lovers.



Um, I kiss my DD on the lips and all my family does?
post #23 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by churndash View Post
People in this thread are accusing him.

It's a very serious thing, to call someone a child molester or a potential child molester. "Mama bear instinct" isn't an excuse for making unsupported, potentially devastating accusations.

We can protect our children without calling every male who likes children a child molester.
I get your point, and it is a very serious thing. I just don't think that agreeing the behavior sounds predatory is in the same realm as knowing this man personally and calling him a molester to someone who knows him. Her original post is basically asking "does this sound like predatory behavior that I'm right to be wary of" and we're answering with our opinions "yes." I haven't yet seen anyone say "that man is for sure a molester."
post #24 of 106
Eh, you overreact, you piss off DH's uncle. Big deal. Do it.
post #25 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post
Here's the thing... I don't kiss my own children on the lips. I kiss their faces, like a cheek or forehead. Lip kissing is for lovers.
Maybe in your house. I kiss my babies/children on the lips all the time.

Quote:
And not handing a baby back when asked? That totally violates my sense of propriety.
Where in the OP's post did she say he didn't hand the baby back when asked to do so?

Quote:
Maybe he's not a child molester... but I don't think any of that is okay. I would be scheming hard to change the living situation.
I think the OP should trust her gut. From her post, I didn't get "child molester", though. I got "boundary issues" and "lonely". Since I'm not there, I have no idea what the vibe he's giving off is like, and I, personally, pay more attention to that than to descriptions of behaviour. She should totally go with her gut feeling. It's important to teach her kids some guidelines, in any case.
post #26 of 106
None of them scream out "dangerous" to me, but put together they are building a story. He could have problems, he could perhaps be wishing he was a daddy, he could be sincerely just bonding with her. It could be cultural, it could be that he has poor skills, it could be that he has no respect for the mom. Or it could be that he is grooming them and her daughter is the next victim.

One thing is definite here: mama has some instincts screaming at her. I say, no matter what the situation is, go with those instincts.

I have felt nothing when so and so held DD or wanted to play with her or give her presents. But then I have felt every bone in my body scream out just when another person ruffled her hair. I trust those instincts. C'mon, we have a biological imperative. Our primal parts are only interested in protecting our offspring. You need to put aside all the other static such as social etiquette and culture. Pay attention to your instincts. Don't let someone else walk over your mother/child bond. That's a test, even if he isn't a molester.

I also second and third reading "protecting the gift"
post #27 of 106
In my opinion, as their mother, if you are feeling uncomfortable you have EVERY right to pick your kid up, and out of his arms and say " Okay, time for mommy time!" " Time to change your diaper!" or whatever you need to say.

His behavior raises big red flags for me. Be assertive, mama. ((hugs))


ETA: I think in one of the above posts the OP said he would inch away from her, when she got closer to look at him holding the baby......I mean...........whoa....that means give me my baby back, to me...
post #28 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mountaingirl79 View Post
ETA: I think in one of the above posts the OP said he would inch away from her, when she got closer to look at him holding the baby......I mean...........whoa....that means give me my baby back, to me...
I'm not sure what I'd think, honestly. I'd find it very strange if a mom was "inching" closer to me while I was holding her baby. If she wanted the baby back, I'd expect her to ask, and I'd probably be wondering what on earth was going on.
post #29 of 106
I honestly wouldn't mind as much about the person inching away from me if it was a mother I knew, and was friends with or if there weren't any other weird things going on....

I have an uncle with who "sitting on his lap" was a normal thing for everyone else involved, except for him. ...if you know what I mean.... So, maybe that is why this raises a flag for me. Plus the other stuff OP mentioned....it just gets me motivated to say something, ykwim?

( I wanted to add that I was not a victim of my uncle's "come sit in my lap" scheme because my mom wouldn't let it happen. She always made up an excuse, I was very attached to my mom. It came out when I was a teen that some of my cousins had been molested by him. So... I just felt motivated to tell that story, for whatever reason. Stay firm in your convictions!)

**HUGS****
post #30 of 106
Thread Starter 
Thank you all so much! I'm proud of myself, when he got home from work, DD and I were in MILs living room. He marched right over to her "HI BEAUTIFUL!!" and I jumped in between them two (she was at her easel) and began coloring with her. Situation deterred.
post #31 of 106
Do you talk to him much? I think that might help. For example, if he is trying to talk to your dd you could ask him about his day or something to get him talking to you instead. Or when he is holding the baby, if you want to see if the baby is sleeping, maybe just ask instead of trying to see her, so he can't try to hide it from you. Does that make sense? I guess what I am trying to describe is a way to get yourself more involved in your daughter's interactions with him, in a way that he can't ignore.
post #32 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by weliveintheforest View Post
Do you talk to him much? I think that might help. For example, if he is trying to talk to your dd you could ask him about his day or something to get him talking to you instead. Or when he is holding the baby, if you want to see if the baby is sleeping, maybe just ask instead of trying to see her, so he can't try to hide it from you. Does that make sense? I guess what I am trying to describe is a way to get yourself more involved in your daughter's interactions with him, in a way that he can't ignore.
This is a very good idea. If he is just clueless, you'll be guiding him towards proper behavior. If he is up to something else, you are putting him on notice that you SEE him and what he is doing.



Quote:
Originally Posted by mommariffic View Post
Here's the thing... I don't kiss my own children on the lips. I kiss their faces, like a cheek or forehead. Lip kissing is for lovers.

Um, I kiss my DD on the lips and all my family does?
Really? We kiss on the lips too. Oh my gosh...sometimes we kiss friends on the lips too in greeting! AAACK!
post #33 of 106
I would probably say something to him. "I know you mean well and you love my daughter but I'm feeling kind of uncomfortable. If my daughter learns to be overly familiar with adult men she will be at risk to predators outside the family as well. I would really appreciate it if you toned down the physical affection." It's the kind of thing where you can try to get him 'on your side' to protect your daughter. It's manipulative, but maybe effective.

Often if you label behavior loudly and clearly folks stop just because they feel put on the spot. You don't have to call him a child molester to say that if your daughter is made vulnerable to adult men she could be a victim and you want to protect her.

I don't think all adult men are molesters. I do think that every child should be a little overprotected rather than a little underprotected.
post #34 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by rightkindofme View Post
I would probably say something to him. "I know you mean well and you love my daughter but I'm feeling kind of uncomfortable. If my daughter learns to be overly familiar with adult men she will be at risk to predators outside the family as well. I would really appreciate it if you toned down the physical affection."

Honestly that seems to be a bit over the top and also worded that way it would include her dad as well as he is most certainly an adult man.
post #35 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by TCMoulton View Post
Honestly that seems to be a bit over the top and also worded that way it would include her dad as well as he is most certainly an adult man.
That is an attitude that is really common and understood by most people. You can think it is over the top but in my family of origin adult men are *never* left alone with female children. Not even the fathers. It's a cultural thing and one that many people agree with.

I don't ascribe to it, but that doesn't mean I won't exploit it for my daughters benefit.
post #36 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by rightkindofme View Post
That is an attitude that is really common and understood by most people. You can think it is over the top but in my family of origin adult men are *never* left alone with female children. Not even the fathers. It's a cultural thing and one that many people agree with.

I don't ascribe to it, but that doesn't mean I won't exploit it for my daughters benefit.
I cannot imagine never leaving my husband alone with his daughters. How is that an attitude that is healthy for young girls to learn, that even their fathers cannot be trusted.
post #37 of 106
It's great that you deterred the situation by stepping in between him and your daughter but how about having an explicit talk with him and telling him exactly what you want and don't want. do this with your husband present. If there is a language problem have someone interpret. This is your child and you get to say what happens to her. He seems a bit off to me. He got pleasure out of making your daughter cry. That is cruel and sadistic.
Please keep him away from her and also keep an eye on his interactions with the other 2 year old since her mother seems oblivious.
post #38 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
I think the OP should trust her gut. From her post, I didn't get "child molester", though. I got "boundary issues" and "lonely". Since I'm not there, I have no idea what the vibe he's giving off is like, and I, personally, pay more attention to that than to descriptions of behaviour. She should totally go with her gut feeling. It's important to teach her kids some guidelines, in any case.
I agree.
post #39 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by TCMoulton View Post
I cannot imagine never leaving my husband alone with his daughters. How is that an attitude that is healthy for young girls to learn, that even their fathers cannot be trusted.
Well, given that I was assaulted by my father and it happened to a number of other girls in my family it's just kind of life. You think it isn't fair to be suspicious of all men. Ok. From where my family is sitting it isn't fair to little girls to put them at risk because even men you trust do awful things sometimes. I can't really say either side is wrong.

That said--I trust my husband. Partially because my husband knows I am very serious when I say I would rather our kid go live with her godmother because I am in prison for killing him if he ever touched our daughter. Dead.Serious. It's not an attitude most people condone, but most people didn't have my childhood and my husband understands why I am so fierce on this topic. I don't think he would have married me if he had even borderline questionable intentions.
post #40 of 106
Reading this thread is reminding me why I put Protecting the Gift down, finding it a sensationalistic piece of paranoid trash. Typical modern-day dramatization of pain and crime, ala Oprah and Law and Order SVU. Sick.

It is terrible that men are all seen as potential rapists/molesters until repeatedly proven otherwise.

I totally understand the desperate need we have to protect our children, I get it. DH and I don't let DD (2yrs) out of our sight, and I can't yet imagine when we will. I just find the tone of some of these threads to be very anti-male. Not leaving children with their OWN father? If you are worried about that happening - then you should not be married to this man.

OP: Based on this one post, I think your brother-in-law sounds like he is mentally slow. Not aware of boundaries. An Oddball. This in and of itself could be a problem, but, it could just be that it makes him childish in his need for attention from your daughter. He likes her, he loves her, he wants to be around her and be special to her. Like an eight year old.

All this being said - taking an infant to the corner store in the evening without telling the Mom is odd to me. THAT bugged me. I agree with your sense that you should monitor them at all times. Don't leave them alone together... not because he is a child molester, but because he's odd, unpredictable and that could lead to all kinds of potential problems, including the worst. Redirect his constant physical affection.


MOST IMPORTANTLY:

What is your plan?

You are 19, married with two children?
When are you moving out on you own?
Does your husband work?
Do you both have your high school diplomas?
Are you taking post secondary training? Trades?
Where will you be in two years? Four years? Ten years? Retirement?

The key here is for your family to end the dependency on extended family and to be on your own. This will give you privacy and security. You can write your own ticket and have some freedom.

If you have your own home, you don't need to constantly fret about your relatives. This solves the problem, long term.

Trin.
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