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Bothered by DH's overly-touchy/close uncle. - Page 4

post #61 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by claddaghmom View Post
. I've "caught" some grooming behavior before when the sitaution had nothing to do with molestation or children. It's just socially sneaky method to get another person to do what you want.
yeah, like my mom saying "hug your uncle for the gift." Uh, no, we don't trade hugs for gifts unless we want to. No one should demand that of us. Pissed my mom off, but oh well.
post #62 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by WindyCityMom View Post
uncle randomly firmly says "NO!" to DD, a few times. (All of us know that when someone says "no", she gets VERY sentimental and cries as if heartbroken). DD got sentimental and began crying and he starts laughing!
That's horrible and cruel!

And it's inappropriate that he takes her into his room.

He sounds creepy. Trust your instincts. Don't ever leave your daughter alone with him.

I wouldn't let him touch your daughter so much either. It is very easy for molesters to surreptitiously gain sexual gratification from a child while other adults are right there in the same room.

I think you should tell him straight out all the things he does that you don't like. She's your child, and you have a right to put a stop to ways he treats her that make you uncomfortable.
post #63 of 106
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trinitty View Post
MOST IMPORTANTLY:

What is your plan?

You are 19, married with two children?
When are you moving out on you own?
Does your husband work?
Do you both have your high school diplomas?
Are you taking post secondary training? Trades?
Where will you be in two years? Four years? Ten years? Retirement?

This is going hugely OT but... My husband does work, we both have our high school diplomas and I have a bit of college under my belt. We currently have some amount of debt as well. I was working after my first pregnancy, was put on bedrest at the beginning of my second, went back to work during my second pregnancy and left when I got into my third trimester. When DD was home with great grandma (only person available to babysit) I worried a great deal. Just the other day, the other 2yr old mentioned in this post almost burned the house down while under her care. She's in her mid 50s and it isn't age, just pure irresponsiblity. We need to take things in stride. Clear our debt. Keep ourselves healthy. Earn to support our family. Schooling, and eventually moving on up in this world. It is honestly very, very difficult. My husband was in a very major car accident last fall and we took a major financial hit. MIL also got laid off that same month. We're waiting for our taxes to pay off most of our bills... we are in so much debt. When we moved into the basement apartment here, we had to buy a refrigerator and a bed (tried to work around it but we ended up having to do this). DH works for a company that sells appliances, so we got a huge discount, but still, it took its toll. When he was in his accident, he wasn't working, and though he wasn't the driver at fault, he wasn't immediately compensated. Actually, we're still waiting on that. DH also recently had to purchase a car (very old car, very cheap, but still took a toll) to get himself to and from work. Our old one was a total loss. So.. it seems as if it is a never ending cycle. We have each cut down our spending. If I want something, I sell something else and use that money to get it. We don't make a ton of money.. it's hard. Once our bills are paid, we can start saving for school. My husband would like to become a police officer, which, here in chicago, requires schooling. We would greatly like for me to homeschool our children, which is our plan.

Eclipse- yes, he is from Mexico, so perhaps that is something to do with it (the cultural difference that you describe).

Limabean- If MIL were unable to take us in, we do have other family members (DHs family) that would be able to house us (for example, his aunt rents apartments in two buildings). I have no family (mother passed away when I was 16, vindictive father kicked me out when I was 18, on my birthday, after he had finished collecting my mother's death benifits) except for a stepfather who smokes heavily and lives with his mother and older brother in another tiny basement apartment.


When I mentioned this to my DH, he told me "My uncle just likes kids. He was the same way when so and so was born. It is just how he is. He's not going to have kids of his own, he's single and probably past his prime". Still makes me uncomfortable.

Right now DH is fixing uncle's laptop, which has a virus (DH is very good with computers, and this is also a side job for him ). Uncle's background wallpaper is a photo of DD. I am resisting the temptation of crossing the privacy line and seeing what other photos of DD he has on there (I've never seen this picture before). I know it is wrong and I probably won't do it. Still... I feel uneasy about it. Is it overstepping our boundaries to ask him to change the wallpaper? I think so.. I don't know. It just strikes me as strange.
post #64 of 106
I've been following this thread, and thought I'd finally post.

It bothers me a little that these threads always turn into "I think it's unfair that all men are considered child molesters!" It's not really about "all other men," it's about this one guy, and IMO, his behavior sounds inappropriate. That may be because of poor boundaries, cultural issues, mental health issues, or perversion; maybe it's a mixture of those issues.

If it were my daughter, I would feel VERY uncomfortable, and I try to make it a point to honor my instincts even when I don't totally understand their root cause. I had an great-uncle who, as far as I know, never molested or even thought about molesting anyone, but he had some mental health issues from PTSD. I found it disturbing to be around him (tickling, "getting my toes," etc-- I just hated it all). I was a young child (like, 3-5, I guess?), and I don't think it's a child's job to "help" adults feel better about themselves. MY parents were definitely not as vigilent as I now think they should have been.

Maybe your uncle really is just an awkward guy who likes kids more than the average person The way he shows that affection/interest is creepy to me, and your DD should not be made to feel uncomfortable for the sake of his gratification (even if that gratification is totally above-board).

My parents and in-laws adore my daughter, and I have never once had a negative thought/concern about any of them. However, if they were behaving in the way your describe, I would put a stop to it if only for my own comfort. It makes me very uncomfortable to see people positively fawning over infants and children-- they're people, not puppies or toys, and the fact that they cannot truly consent or resist being smothered with kisses and hugs or whatever makes me very careful about respecting their boundaries.

Here's what I would do:

I would not let him hold DD at all. When my DD was 2, she would occasionally ask to snuggle with me or her grandmothers, but other than that, she did not like to be "held" like an infant would. If he picked her up (or my infant!) I would just go take her out of his arms. I don't like it when other people hold my babies . They're not toys.

I would continue avoiding any sort of situation in which DD could be alone with him.

I would talk to MIL and express my concerns-- NOT "I think Uncle X is a pervert," but 'I think Uncle X is not respecting DD's boundaries, and I want her to feel that other people respect her boundaries..." or whatever language your MIL would appreciate/understand. I would do this because you need to know where she stands in order to know whether you're wishes will be honored if your leave your child with her in the uncle's presence. Honestly, I think her "he needs a woman" comment sounds a little iffy. That's no excuse for any sort of behavior, IMO, whatever she was talking about at the time.

Here's one which I am sure will be unpopular, but it's the first thing I would do: I would be checking his computer-- the pictures he has of your DD and his internet browsing history-- while you have that computer in your possession. IMO, if you know he has pictures of your DD that you did not give him, it's your business to know what they are.
post #65 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by WindyCityMom View Post
Limabean- If MIL were unable to take us in, we do have other family members (DHs family) that would be able to house us (for example, his aunt rents apartments in two buildings). I have no family (mother passed away when I was 16, vindictive father kicked me out when I was 18, on my birthday, after he had finished collecting my mother's death benifits) except for a stepfather who smokes heavily and lives with his mother and older brother in another tiny basement apartment.
That must have been really hard -- I can't even imagine. It sounds like you love your DD dearly and will do whatever it takes to protect her.
post #66 of 106
Quote:
Here's one which I am sure will be unpopular, but it's the first thing I would do: I would be checking his computer-- the pictures he has of your DD and his internet browsing history-- while you have that computer in your possession. IMO, if you know he has pictures of your DD that you did not give him, it's your business to know what they are.
That is not a bad idea. Make sure you don't delve into personal correspondence, but, a look at his photo file and browsing history could do some good. The sites he has visited could have given his computer the virus in the first place, so, I think that is legit.

Trin.

PS:

Windy: My goodness. What a steep grade you are climbing. It sounds like you are focussing on your goals, and your DH's idea of becoming a police officer is very admirable. Keep with it.

I am sure you are already doing all you can, but, have you ever read The Complete Tightwad Gazette? It has some excellent every day ways of saving every penny. It has really helped me manage money.

And, it's not off topic. Getting out and on your own would be a great release for you, I am sure. You would not need to worry about odd people at close quarters.

Trin.
post #67 of 106
Op, you have gotten some good advice here. If you came here looking for an okay to trust your instincts, you have definately gotten it from the majority.

Sometimes we already know the answer inside but need some reassureance from others in order to trust ourselves.


I feel that child sexual abuse has been so persistent over the course of human history bc it can only function in secrecy and w/doubt. I KNOW that there are family members/friends/members of the community who suspect, feel, or just know what is going on w/these children and let other things get in the way of protecting those children.

Dh's brother is a really nice guy and has never done anything that screams innapropriate w/my boys but I just get this feeling that I can't describe when I'm around him and I heed that warning. I do not ever let him be alone w/my boys and we have limited contact w/him in general. I don't have any reason to suspect anything but my instincts are enough. That doesn't mean I have to accuse him of anything, and no one is suggesting that the op do that either.

The men get a bad rap argument is an interesting point, but the facts are that men are much more likely (just look at the stats) to be sexual abusers of any kind. Those are just the facts. I feel like knowing the most information makes me better able to make decisions so that I don't live in fear.

Good luck, op!
post #68 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by WindyCityMom View Post
When I mentioned this to my DH, he told me "My uncle just likes kids. He was the same way when so and so was born. It is just how he is. He's not going to have kids of his own, he's single and probably past his prime". Still makes me uncomfortable.
So, it sounds like your DH is not taking your concerns about his uncle very seriously? Am I understanding this correctly?

Has your DH seen how his uncle acts around DD?

It seems like he should be taking your concerns more seriously. Why would he want to brush aside a possible threat to his daughter's safety so casually?

Can you get your DH to read Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane)?
post #69 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by WindyCityMom View Post
When I mentioned this to my DH, he told me "My uncle just likes kids. He was the same way when so and so was born. It is just how he is. He's not going to have kids of his own, he's single and probably past his prime". Still makes me uncomfortable.
If this is true, why does he not seem as preoccupied with the other children in the house? You mention that he seems "annoyed" with his own godson and you don't mention the 7yo girl at all. Was he equally fascinated by those two when they were younger?

I've been following the thread too, and I think you are right to be suspicious. I know you are dealing with many financial difficulties, but I would get DD away from this guy. You can try to protect her, but can you really be on guard in your own living space 24-7? And if you could, what an exhausting way to live!
post #70 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trinitty View Post
I do know that horrible things happen to children every day and that some parents do not provide a safe and happy home.... I also know that this, thankfully, is not typical and that cases like yours are not in the majority.

I am almost always speaking generally. Generally, I find many folk are over the top with thinking that men are dangerous and potentially evil.

I know that exceptional situations do exist and will do my best to help those who are in them... but when I am commenting generally, I do not have the terrible exceptions in mind.
Actually, sexual assault of children is typical. The majority of children are not sexually assaulted, but a significant portion are. The sexual assault of children is terrible, but it's not an "exception."

Quote:
Children

15% of sexual assault and rape victims are under age 12.3

* 29% are age 12-17.
* 44% are under age 18.3
* 80% are under age 30.3
* 12-34 are the highest risk years.
* Girls ages 16-19 are 4 times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault.

93% of juvenile sexual assault victims know their attacker.6

* 34.2% of attackers were family members.
* 58.7% were acquaintances.
* Only 7% of the perpetrators were strangers to the victim.
http://www.rainn.org/statistics

Sexual assault in general is an everyday occurence:

Quote:
Every 2 minutes, someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted.

Here's the math. According to the U.S. Department of Justice's National Crime Victimization Survey -- the country's largest and most reliable crime study -- there were 248,300 sexual assaults in 2007 (the most recent data available). (These figures do not include victims 12 years old or younger.)

There are 525,600 minutes in a non-leap year. That makes 31,536,000 seconds/year. So, 31,536,000 divided by 248,300 comes out to 1 sexual assault every 127 seconds, or about 1 every 2 minutes.
post #71 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by churndash View Post
It's a very serious thing, to call someone a child molester or a potential child molester. "Mama bear instinct" isn't an excuse for making unsupported, potentially devastating accusations.

We can protect our children without calling every male who likes children a child molester.
How is the discussion in this thread (trying to help a Mama protect her daughter), going to "devastate" the uncle being discussed???? Please, I would really like to know.

Also, who is calling "every male" a child molester? Not anyone on this thread that I've seen.
post #72 of 106
The majority of children are not sexually assaulted.

Therefore:

Sexual assault of children is not typical and it is an exception to the rule... the rule being the majority of children who are not sexually assaulted.

It is not typical and it is exceptional.

That does not mean that it does not happen, or that we should not be constantly vigilant. However, it is important to remember that it is not typical.

I have dealt with a sexual predator as a teenager, I know how dangerous these situations can be, and I know that adults in charge can be myopic. We must fight against this with all that we have.

But, for our peace of mind, we must also remember that this does not happen to the majority of children.

Trin.
post #73 of 106
Trinitty, your previous post made it sounds like child sexual abuse is some rare event that is very unusual. My point is that child sexual abuse happens all the time to many children.

According the the Centers for Disease Control, 24% of women and 16% of men were victims of sexual abuse when they were children.

And keep in mind that child sexual abuse is one of the most under-reported crimes. Many children never tell anyone what happened to them--or if they do tell they aren't believed or nothing is done about it.
post #74 of 106
"Exceptional" means unusual, by the way. And child sexual abuse is NOT unusual at all.
post #75 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trinitty View Post
The majority of children are not sexually assaulted.

Therefore:

Sexual assault of children is not typical and it is an exception to the rule... the rule being the majority of children who are not sexually assaulted.

It is not typical and it is exceptional.
I think this is an interesting point in light of these forums:

Our children are far, far, far more likely to be sexually abused than they are to sustain an injury of any sort from vaccinations. However, there is an entire forum dedicated to vaccinations (and not vaccinating), but not even a sub-forum dedicated to preventing and discussing childhood sexual abuse. I'm not coming down on this forum in any way, I'm just saying it's an interesting aspect of our culture that we are so much less likely to discuss what is perhaps the biggest external threat to our childrens' safety (and one that can many times be prevented easily).
post #76 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trinitty View Post
It is terrible that men are all seen as potential rapists/molesters until repeatedly proven otherwise.
Where have you seen this on this thread?

Obviously not all men are sexual predators, but since 96% of sex offenders are male (according to the Bureau of Justice), it's only logical that men would be suspected more often than women. And in the case being discussed in this thread, I think this uncle warrants the OP's suspicion.
post #77 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Sarah~ View Post
Our children are far, far, far more likely to be sexually abused than they are to sustain an injury of any sort from vaccinations. However, there is an entire forum dedicated to vaccinations (and not vaccinating), but not even a sub-forum dedicated to preventing and discussing childhood sexual abuse
That is such a good point!

Let's have a sub-forum for discussing how to prevent child sexual abuse!
post #78 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by rayo de sol View Post
Where have you seen this on this thread?

Obviously not all men are sexual predators, but since 96% of sex offenders are male (according to the Bureau of Justice), it's only logical that men would be suspected more often than women. And in the case being discussed in this thread, I think this uncle warrants the OP's suspicion.
We also know this statistic isn't accurate because people do not talk about sex abuse by women.

Many of the abuse boys suffer gets unreported because it makes them a "man" or doesn't hurt them more. Girls that are abused by women, suffer in silences. If helped they still have issues "relating".

That statistic is mostly 10 years old. It has been only in the past 10 years they were not collecting data on women abusers. http://www.canadiancrc.com/Female_Se...awareness.aspx (I can't find current data in the US)

You need to remember how boys are taught to be hyper sexual and "appriciate" any sexual teaching they get. We also need to remember that 2/3's of the prission population was abused sexually. Many of them if you asked if they were abused, they say no. If you ask more specific question the story is different.

I do worry that we are creating a generation of men (people) afraid to help out and be involved -- and allowing to much room for other types of preditor.

I do believe the OP should trust her instincts, but also question them. Are they off because of cultural difference. If it is his gender, how would you respond if it was a female relative? How would you handle it?

I think it is foolish to use an old statistic, build a fear and only protect your child part way.

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-st...o-1767688.html
post #79 of 106
Marsupialmom, I never said boys aren't sexually abused. They are. According to the CDC, 16% of boys are sexually abused.

The large majority of people who sexually abuse boys are men.

There are, of course, female sexual offenders too. But most sex offenders are male.
post #80 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by rayo de sol View Post
According the the Centers for Disease Control, 24% of women and 16% of men were victims of sexual abuse when they were children.
Hm... I'd be really interested to see where you pulled this stat from. The only think I can find on their website says that OF PEOPLE WHO WERE RAPED, 24% were originally raped as children. That doesn't mean that 24% of children were abused, but that of those who were, 24% were younger than 12. Very different base number.
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