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Bothered by DH's overly-touchy/close uncle. - Page 5

post #81 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom View Post
Hm... I'd be really interested to see where you pulled this stat from. The only think I can find on their website says that OF PEOPLE WHO WERE RAPED, 24% were originally raped as children. That doesn't mean that 24% of children were abused, but that of those who were, 24% were younger than 12. Very different base number.
This is what I'm referencing--something completely different from what you're talking about above.

http://www.cdc.gov/nccdphp/ace/prevalence.htm
post #82 of 106
i work with people who run this website, and you need to look at it. it gives a LOT of information- warning signs, what to watch out for, talking to you kid about sexual issues, everything. check it out!

www.stopitnow.com
post #83 of 106
stopitnow.com is a very helpful site. From that site, they mention this study:

Quote:
88% of cases of sexual abuse are never reported to the authorities.

(Hanson, R.F., Resnick, H.S., Saunders, B.E., Kilpatrick. D. G., and Best, C. Factors related to the reporting of childhood sexual assault. Child Abuse and Neglect, 1999, 23,559-569).
And also this study:

Quote:
As many as one in three girls and one in seven boys will be sexually abused at some point in their childhood.

Briere, J., Eliot, D.M. Prevalence and Psychological Sequence of Self-Reported Childhood Physical and Sexual Abuse in General Population: Child Abuse and Neglect, 2003, 27 10.
post #84 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trinitty View Post
But, for our peace of mind, we must also remember that this does not happen to the majority of children.
As one of the children that it did happen to, I think that having too much peace of mind is foolish.

When I was in group therapy for women who had been molested as children, most of us as memories of "pre-molestation" events with the perp., such as being asked to wash his back or getting back rubs. Things that weren't molestation but broke down boundaries about what is appropriate and inappropriate.

I wouldn't want my child near the uncle -- not in his room, not on his lap, etc.

Windy City Mom, both you and your husband sound hard working and strong. I'm sorry that so many things have gone wrong, but I really believe that you will get past all this stuff. Good luck with everything!!! You are a great mom, you will set up appropriate boundaries and keep your little one safe, and some day you'll look back on this phase of your life with deep pride for all that you guys have over come together!
post #85 of 106
honor your instincts.
my knee jerk easy solution?
anonymous phone call to INS.
good luck mama, sounds like a really bad situation to be in. good luck to you, and hugs.
post #86 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by rayo de sol View Post
Marsupialmom, I never said boys aren't sexually abused. They are. According to the CDC, 16% of boys are sexually abused.

The large majority of people who sexually abuse boys are men.

There are, of course, female sexual offenders too. But most sex offenders are male.
But not as nearly as many as you stated. HOW many women abusers out their is unknown. It hasn't been talked about. This automatic assumtion isn't firmly based in reality. It is a false since of security. "I am going to put up my guard aganist becuse most abusers are men." You wouldn't say becuase 75% of the population isn't abuse I don't have to worry. But you aren't worring much because newer statistics are showing 25% of abusers in Canada/US are women.

I think I am guilty of posting wrong link for newer statistic...I am sorry. I will find the proper link I had earlier. It might be after work, I work until 10 pm
post #87 of 106
If so many people have child molester thoughts about the Uncle why is so many people's advice to just avoid the Uncle? Redirect, talk to him, make excuses?

I do think you should follow your instinct and if you feel like he could harm your daughter you need to move out. You aren't going to be able to watch her every second.

There really isn't a lot you can do while living there. Your MIL probably isn't going to throw him out. If he is making you uncomfortable but you don't feel he is threat then have your DH sit down and have a man to man. More than one if need be.

If DH's Aunt has an apartment building why don't you go live there? I hear you when you say money is really tight but if you really think uncle is dangerous you need to leave because you can't protect your daughter fully while living there.
post #88 of 106
Well, I know you've already gotten a ton of responses on your OP, but I just wanted to say that you have mama instincts for a reason, and when it comes to creepy uncles or anyone else who simply gives you a "weird vibe" concerning your children, you should definitely not ignore your inner voice.

It sounds like he is never going to move out of the house. You and your hubs will have to find another place---I know that sounds simple and can be very difficult. Can you qualify for Section 8 housing? At least get on a list? Would a move to a lower cost of living area be possible? Since you are both so young, it's not like you're stuck in your careers or something. Maybe co-housing with another young family? Splitting rent on a two bedroom apartment?

My point is that this guy is not going away, and your extended family seems to have no issues at all with his behavior. If there's even the slightest chance that he might at some time cross the line into "inappropriate touching" with your daughter, then this is basically a life or death situation and you need to get out ASAP. I don't think that talking to your MIL or even the uncle is going to change anything. Honestly, if you feel your child may be in danger, then even staying in a shelter is better than living with someone who you feel may be a potential predator.

Once that line is crossed, there is no going back, and your child will carry the scars of even one single event for the rest of her life. Free/cheap rent isn't worth taking a chance that he could "fondle" her.

If you wouldn't trust him bathing her or otherwise being exposed to her genitals (ie a diaper change), then he should not even be in the same room with her, much less holding her on his lap or taking her for "private" walks.

I think your instincts are solid on this. You have listed a lot of red flags, and I'm sure there are other weird events that you didn't even post. I would take extreme measures ASAP, and in the meantime do not let her out of your sight and minimize contact with him as much as possible--like if he's around, you and the LOs are not; you are in your room or outside or whatever.

I hope this situation resolves itself for your family very soon!
post #89 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom View Post
Hm... I'd be really interested to see where you pulled this stat from. The only think I can find on their website says that OF PEOPLE WHO WERE RAPED, 24% were originally raped as children. That doesn't mean that 24% of children were abused, but that of those who were, 24% were younger than 12. Very different base number.
In my Ped's office there is a huge poster on the door that says 1 in 5 children will be sexually abused at some point in their life and that it generally is a family member doing it...This is pretty common knowledge although the numbers may vary from study to study.
post #90 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marsupialmom View Post
But not as nearly as many as you stated.
Uh, yes, as many as I stated. We can never know for sure exactly what percentage of child molesters are male vs. female because it's such an under-reported crime. 88% of sexual abuse is never reported to the authorities.

Until it's reported more, we'll have to go with the Bureau of Justice statistics, which state that 96% of sex offenders are male--in the United States. Perhaps Canada has a different situation, I don't really know.
post #91 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by rayo de sol View Post
That is such a good point!

Let's have a sub-forum for discussing how to prevent child sexual abuse!
post #92 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
I'm not sure what I'd think, honestly. I'd find it very strange if a mom was "inching" closer to me while I was holding her baby. If she wanted the baby back, I'd expect her to ask, and I'd probably be wondering what on earth was going on.
I have to agree with Storm Bride. Also, I find the "no kissing on the lips" thing pretty weird.

And frankly, I think Protecting The Gift is extremely overrated on MDC.

Just be honest and tell BIL when any of his behaviour makes you uncomfortable, and explain why. Multi-generational households have their own unique difficulties that are best handled by honest communication. None of us are mind readers, so I assume BIL is not either. Don't jump to conclusions when you haven't even tried to discuss an issue.
post #93 of 106
WindyCityMom, your instincts are very good because a lot of what you described seems to be in line with what the stopitnow.com site calls Signs That an Adult May Be At-Risk to Harm a Child:

Quote:
* Misses or ignores social cues about others’ personal or sexual limits and boundariesi?
* Often has a "special" child friend, maybe a different one from year to year?
* Spends most of his/her spare time with children and shows little interest in spending time with someone their own age?
* Encourages silence and secrets in children?
More signs to watch for:

Quote:
* Makes others uncomfortable by ignoring social, emotional or physical boundariesi or limits?
* Refuses to let a child set any of his or her own limits? Uses teasing or belittling language to keep a child from setting a limit?
* Insists on hugging, touching, kissing, tickling, wrestling with or holding a child even when the child does not want this physical contact or attention?
* Frequently walks in on children/teens in the bathroom?
post #94 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
Maybe in your house. I kiss my babies/children on the lips all the time....

I think the OP should trust her gut. From her post, I didn't get "child molester", though. I got "boundary issues" and "lonely". Since I'm not there, I have no idea what the vibe he's giving off is like, and I, personally, pay more attention to that than to descriptions of behaviour. She should totally go with her gut feeling. It's important to teach her kids some guidelines, in any case.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
I'm not sure what I'd think, honestly. I'd find it very strange if a mom was "inching" closer to me while I was holding her baby. If she wanted the baby back, I'd expect her to ask, and I'd probably be wondering what on earth was going on.
I completely agree.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TCMoulton View Post
I cannot imagine never leaving my husband alone with his daughters. How is that an attitude that is healthy for young girls to learn, that even their fathers cannot be trusted.
It isn't healthy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WindyCityMom View Post
...When I mentioned this to my DH, he told me "My uncle just likes kids. He was the same way when so and so was born. It is just how he is. He's not going to have kids of his own, he's single and probably past his prime". Still makes me uncomfortable....
This really sounds to be the case from what you've written. If you feel uncomfortable, then you really need to make a plan to leave. I don't know how to say this, but if this person is a predator, just avoiding him is probably not going to be enough.
post #95 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by rayo de sol View Post
Uh, yes, as many as I stated. We can never know for sure exactly what percentage of child molesters are male vs. female because it's such an under-reported crime. 88% of sexual abuse is never reported to the authorities.

Until it's reported more, we'll have to go with the Bureau of Justice statistics, which state that 96% of sex offenders are male--in the United States. Perhaps Canada has a different situation, I don't really know.
There is a big difference between saying that most (reported) abuse is perpetrated by men and saying most men are abusers. Given that most abusers will abuse more than one person, even if you accept the 20% of children are abused statistic, it doesn't follow that for each abused child there is an abusive man.
post #96 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom View Post
There is a big difference between saying that most (reported) abuse is perpetrated by men and saying most men are abusers. Given that most abusers will abuse more than one person, even if you accept the 20% of children are abused statistic, it doesn't follow that for each abused child there is an abusive man.
I think we agree. When did I or anyone on this thread say that "most men are abusers"???
post #97 of 106
This does not say child molester to me. Many of the things you listed are things that my parents do with my kids - they kiss on the lips, they hold them in their laps, they have their picture as the screensaver on their computers, if they are watching TV in their room the kids will usually crawl up and lay with them, etc. And my family is NOT an overly touchy family. But they love my kids immensely and truly love to spend time and be with them.

And I agree with another poster that if they were holding my baby and I inched closer, they would wonder what was wrong with me.
post #98 of 106
The statistics really don't matter here. The numbers don't matter. The debate about how many men exactly are predators compared with women doesn't matter either.

What matters is that the mama's gut says something is wrong. Period. That's all that matters. Listen to your gut!

Get out of there, fast. Move in with the auntie you mentioned in pp. If that's not possible, then I'm sorry, but I'd have to agree w/ pp who mentioned anonymous call to INS. And YES check out what pics he has on his computer! This is your child's safety! Wouldn't you rather be "paranoid" now than to later wish that you had just been a little more protective and regret if for the rest of your life?

Avoiding the uncle is a temporary consideration that will not work in the long run. Do you really want to never be able to leave your house without your children because you will never be sure if MIL or other adult is going to unintentionally give him a chance?

He's not leaving; if you want to feel like your children are safe in their home, then you have to find a new home for them.

So sorry you're going through this!

But please, trust your instincts. When it comes to the lecherous vibe, moms are usually right on.
post #99 of 106
OP- I would also be uncomfortable with Uncle. Even with cultural differences and whether it were a male or female family member I would be uncomfortable. Taking my child away alone without my permission would have ended pretty much any concern I had over sparing feelings. No, a hundred times, no. Also having a picture of my child I did not recognize I would definitely check the pics on the computer. It definitely doesn't have to mean anything. But I would check all the same. He did entrust the computer to your dh so one would think that alone would declare there was nothing worrisome on there. I would definitely do everything I could to establish boundaries with him for the time you have to share a living space. You need to feel comfortable in your parenting in this matter.
post #100 of 106
Thread Starter 
Thanks again, everyone.

My DH is now on board with me. He actually told me that awhile back, his cousin was living upstairs with his grandma, and his sister, then 10, reported excessive hugging that wouldn't stop- and no one tried to stop it either. He said that he knows things can happen.

I also shared with him a story of mine.. when I was 4yo, I was possibly sexually abused by my mother's fiance (NOT my current stepdad ). I don't remember it, I remember telling my mom but I remember thinking that I was lying to them and the police and being scared of the policeman. Not sure if it is post traumatic denial or what, but I still shared that with him (there was a restraining order filed and he served jail time).

This freaked out my husband quite a bit, and he agreed that DD goes where we go.. MIL won't watch her unless we absolutely need her to. So the situation is partially under control for now I discussed with him many of the things discussed in this thread and it really helped him understand where I'm coming from. Thanks again!
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