Thank you for sharing this sbgrace. As for counseling I have to wait. The Air Force will not see me at the base here in San Antonio becuase they don't see spouses. They told me I could go off base but thats not realistic right now. I have no car, I don't know this town, we will likely only be here another three weeks. Plus I have two children now that are fully dependent on me which doesn't leave me a lot of time. My dh is going back to Italy in the next few days to pack up all of our stuff so I will be alone. As soon as we get to our next base, wherever that will be, I will for sure get into counseling. Thank you all for you kind words.
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Originally Posted by sbgrace
  I'm so very sorry you are in such pain. I agree with others suggestions about counseling. Kids brains are so amazing--much better than adults at making new connections and healing. I've carried guilt for various things w/ my kids. It serves no one good but it is often something that is part of the grief process that we go through whether the losses are huge or more manageable. You're grieving and I know it will do no good for me to tell you that it isn't your fault. (It isn't )This is nothing like witnessing your child being struck by a vehicle but I wanted to share anyway in hopes it might give you some hope. My brother in law had a car accident and lived in trauma ICU for almost a week w/severe head trauma though he never regained consciousness. For a long time I could not think of him except for the hospital visions in my head. Every day it hovered over me like a dark cloud. He didn't look like himself there yet it seemed it was all my brain could remember. I struggled with questions about God and his role in our lives and answering prayers and the like. We were facing some serious stuff with my son health wise too and I was watching him suffer and grieving the loss of the future I had expected for him as well. Of course God never left me just like he never left Tom or my son. He loved me through it all. Yet it was a very dark time for a long time. I did take an antidepressant which helped. I should have sought therapy. But I'm telling you that in time things changed. I could close my eyes without the hospital visions haunting me. I could see guardrail without picturing him there. I remembered, instead, the Tom I knew before. That's what I remember now. I'm not saying that the other is gone or that I don't still cry over it. But there are far more sunny days and memories than the dark ones. I've had some intense grief for my son as well. But I don't think of his disease every time I see him now either though it's in my face every day. I just see Andrew and we live our new and unexpected life. It's not what I had hoped or would choose for him but I don't grieve like I did for so long. You are going to get there too. But you very likely need some help to deal with the memories and pain. I will pray for you and your daughter and family. |
