12 mo. old hurting mama and daddy...

[justKate]

Let me start by saying I'm not sure if this is a GD issue or a Family Bed issue, so mods, please move if appropriate.

DD turned 1 on Valentine's Day and has been a sleep fighter since birth. These days, she will only sleep if nursed lying down in our bed with one of us holding down her arms tightly. I had another post here a while back about how un-gentle it feels, but it really is the only thing that works for her. So fast forward a little: She still kicks, hits, scratches, bites, pushes, arches her back, flails her arms, and screams. bloody. murder. every. night. Its getting to the point where she draws blood. This morning I had two bloody scratches on my neck and chin from her clawing me (and I do keep her nails short). We eliminated dairy and that helped some with night waking, but not sleep fighting. We've r/o other GI and ENT-type issues like reflux and ear infections.

Weird aspects: She is not a bully at daycare and is gentle with other babies. Her daycare doesn't CIO. Usually when she bites/scratches/pulls hair, we put her down and explain that this hurts and we don't feel like holding her when she hurts us. Of course this doesn't work at night, because this is what she wants (anything but sleep). If we put her down at night she tantrums on the floor to be picked up, then trantrums in our arms to be put down....

The last few nights she's been fighting it so hard that I'm afraid she's going to dislocate something if I don't let her go. When I do she crawls up and tries to scratch my face or crawls to daddy and bites his back. How do I help her stop?! She seems to understand that she's hurting us.

[Maluhia]

For my DD when she had tantrums that intense (rare) I'd wrap her in a bath towel arms at the sides and face her body away from her and lop one leg over her to keep the arching/etc. down. It was the only way for one person (me) to control her body when she was going to hurt both of us without holding her arms individually and possibly having her hurt both of us.

It sounds like you are looking into medical sides of things and I will second that, although DD has had these tantrums on and off it's so beyond regualr to have that every night Mama.

So I lay the towel on the bed and burrito roll her in it and hold her, she falls asleep in about 20 minutes then I can unwrap her for the night, unless pressure/weighted blanket is the kind of thing your DD needs to stay asleep? Does she wake up in the night and do this too?

[justKate]

That is exactly how I get her to sleep every night. Its awful. Once she's really asleep I can let her go, and she doesn't seem to need the pressure any more. To get her back to sleep through the night we nurse and the weight of my forearm on her side is usually enough to comfort her back to sleep, unless there is a teething or poopy diaper type issue that needs to be addressed.

ETA: So as not to overheat her, I do a sort of spooning bear hug type hold, with my forearm over her arms flat at her sides, if that makes any sense.

[cyclamen]

s: mama

I read your other thread, it sounds like you have tried everything. Thinking... have you tried using some kind of wrap/sling instead of ergo? It sounds like, though she protests, your daughter needs some sort of confinement, and any three yard piece of cloth can probably provide that sensation. I wouldnt spend a bunch of money on it, maybe even just try a simple "rebozo carry" (front or back) with a bed sheet to see if it might be useful?

Personally, I don't like to carry my baby to sleep because she tends to wake up in the transfer, unless I do something like this (which she often fights getting into but loves ones it's all set up, and taking her down doesn't wake her): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3EopXo76NIA

*


I have often commented to my boyfriend that "it's time to go wrestle the baby to sleep" and she is only 8mo! We also say, "Who's gonna 'cry the baby' tonight?" Meaning, either boyfriend walks her while she cries, or I lay beside her in bed while she groans and whimpers. Then I nurse her and she sleeps.

If we neglect the "cry the baby" step, she often claws and head butts me for what seems like hours. For a while, my chest was covered in scratches and pinch marks. Last week, my bf was not home, I was exhausted, so when she scratched me, I set her on the floor next to the bed - bed is on the floor too. She crawled around for 15-20 minutes in the dark. It's completely childproof and boring in the bedroom, so then she came back on the bed to nurse and go to sleep. I didn't play with her because I have noticed, when we are putting her to bed, that if bf and I chat with each other, or talk, she doesn't get that it's "bed time." So I figured this was a good way to let her get her last bit of energy out and wind down, just crawling in the dark and getting bored.

If she is crying but writhes in my arms, then I just cover myself with the blanket so she can't claw/kick/headbutt me. Sounds mean, but then she usually snuggles up next to me within a few minutes and whimpers to sleep, if not I offer her to nurse again.

Are naps also difficult for her?


edit: our sleep problems seemed to start when DD got too big to be swaddled anymore. We've since discovered how to swaddle her using two blankets but because things are improving, I'm reluctant to go back to swaddling since we'll only have to wean her from it eventually. But on really difficult nights, especially if she is teething, the swaddling really helps her. If she's tired, she has almost ALWAYS cried going into the swaddle, but then quickly settled into a deep sleep as long as it is tight enough and she's being nursed at the same time.

eta 2: we call it crying the baby because she will be chipper until she realizes we are doing our bedtime routine, and then she just starts to holler. I have a sneaking suspicion that she is not so much protesting the routine as she is adding her own flavor to it.

[justKate]

Originally Posted by cyclamen

If we neglect the "cry the baby" step, she often claws and head butts me for what seems like hours. For a while, my chest was covered in scratches and pinch marks. Last week, my bf was not home, I was exhausted, so when she scratched me, I set her on the floor next to the bed - bed is on the floor too. She crawled around for 15-20 minutes in the dark. It's completely childproof and boring in the bedroom, so then she came back on the bed to nurse and go to sleep. I didn't play with her because I have noticed, when we are putting her to bed, that if bf and I chat with each other, or talk, she doesn't get that it's "bed time." So I figured this was a good way to let her get her last bit of energy out and wind down, just crawling in the dark and getting bored.

If she is crying but writhes in my arms, then I just cover myself with the blanket so she can't claw/kick/headbutt me. Sounds mean, but then she usually snuggles up next to me within a few minutes and whimpers to sleep, if not I offer her to nurse again.

Are naps also difficult for her?

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I don't think it sounds mean at all. Naps are about 80% as bad as nighttime. She goes to daycare, where they nap her when she feels like it--usually 2x daily for 45 min+/-. I think she knows the difference between naps and bedtime, and doesn't put up as much fight. We tried swaddling again for a while, but these days it just seems to enrage her. I am honestly afraid that she's going to dislocate a shoulder or elbow, or give herself a heart attack from being so worked up. She drips sweat during this part of the bedtime routine, even if not covered with any sort of blanket, and will scream until she coughs and chokes. Usually no tears though. If I see tears we take a break and start again in a few minutes. It can go on anywhere from 20 minutes to 2 hours.

Just brainstorming...

[ecoleman]

This is just a thought, no clue if it'd even help or be related, but hearing about the need for your daughter to scream every night made me think of the Crying in Arms approach by Aletha Solter. Have you looked into that at all? Brief synopsis: http://www.awareparenting.com/comfort.htm.

Personally, my daughter has never been the type to just cry and cry so when we've done this it's been for a very short time period, but I have heard other parents say that sometimes, when so much stress is built up that it will take quite a few crying sessions for it all to be released or at least get your baby to a calmer place

What Solter does though about the more physical outbursts, I'm not sure, but it was just a thought I had that perhaps something in this approach might be helpful.

Good luck!!

[justKate]

Originally Posted by ecoleman

This is just a thought, no clue if it'd even help or be related, but hearing about the need for your daughter to scream every night made me think of the Crying in Arms approach by Aletha Solter. Have you looked into that at all? Brief synopsis: http://www.awareparenting.com/comfort.htm.

Thank you! I'm ordering it now. A couple things she mentioned about overstimulation, high sensitivity, and birth trauma struck a cord with me.