Easing anxiety over school (kindy) visit

[bartleby]

Here's the situation: We are looking at a school for our daughter for Kindergarten next year. I've attended the open house and the parent-only tour, and there are aspects of it I really like--small, play-based, lots of individual attention, in-depth exploration of topics/projects, crossover with kids ages K-2.

Now the issue: The school requires a child visit on a Saturday morning. Kids only. No parents allowed. This would be with the other kids whose families are interested in the school, too. My impression is that it is a chance for the teachers to get to know your kid, and see if she would be a good fit for the school--not in an academic way--but rather: Does your child have any particular needs that the school feels it could not appropriately meet?

I have never, in my child's 5 years, dropped her off somewhere she doesn't know, with people she has never met. I trust the teachers enough to make this a pleasant experience, but I am dreading explaining this to my daughter, who, as it happens, is going to have to miss a Saturday morning class she enjoys in order to do this visit. I am not sure how to explain best what this visit is about, especially since it is not necessarily the school she will be attending. (It's highly likely, but not for sure.) I am expecting her to say she doesn't want to go, and I'm expecting tears, etc., on that morning as well.

I know, I know, I shouldn't project my anxiety on to her. But, regardless, I am feeling anxiety about all of this, and I'd like some feedback. Has anyone had a hard-to-separate child who had to do something like this? For the record, she is excited about Kindergarten in general, but I just don't know how she'll take this.

Thanks!

[serenbat]

I would look more into the school before I would agree to that!

What other "funny" rules do they have? Are you allowed to "drop-in" unannounced and watch a class?


What kinds of "problems" or what exactly are they looking to see in the Saturday visit? sounds very odd, if you could look thru a window, that would be one thing but what you stated sounds really weird

Have you talked to other parents that did this?

I would asks tons of questions and make up your mind prior to the Saturday visit.

Why put your child and yourself thru this is you don't know?

[LuckyMommaToo]

This is extremely common for private schools here, so I wouldn't see as weird at all. The parents I know who've done it frame it as, "The school is hosting a playdate so you can meet the teachers and some other friends while the parents have a meeting."

Any chance any little friends she knows will be there, too? I would try to calm your anxiety, because she's def going to pick up on it.

good luck,
-e

[ollyoxenfree]

I would do as much as you can to prepare her.

Discuss the purpose of the visit - it's so she and the teacher and the other prospective students can all meet and get to know each other a little better. You could let her know that this may not be her school, but it's nice to visit different schools and find out about them.

Explain that you cannot come into the class, but you will be near by.

Some parents use various techniques to help separation anxiety - keeping a small comfort object in a pocket etc. Possibly you are already familiar with some of them, since you are expecting a problem - it sounds like there has been some separation anxiety in the past.

Discuss your concerns with the school and the teacher, so that they are prepared to help her adjust. Most kindergartens have a fair amount of experience with separation anxiety issues. Talk to them about what methods they will use to help her if she has a problem.

Is there any possibility that she can make a brief visit to the school and meet the teacher before the Saturday visit? I imagine that might help a little, even if it's just for a few minutes.

[K1329]

Some great replies, here. I want to add that before dropping my kids off at school, we made several visits ahead of time to the campus, usually after-hours. We peeked in the classroom window and played on the playground. I think it helped; it wasn't a totally unfamiliar place when they went for the first time.

I also agree with the pp - try to make sure your anxiety doesn't transfer to your dd. This is a big step for you, too! I anticipated tears with both of my kids. I was wrong. It wasn't them crying... it was me when I got back to the car!!!

Good luck!

[One_Girl]

I think you should really talk it up so she will be comfortable. Tell her about how exciting it will be to get to meet her new teachers and explore the classroom with other kids her age and talk about how much she is growing up. Even if she doesn't wind up in this school it will be good to talk up going to school so she sees it as a fun thing rather than a scary thing.

Being sad about your child going off to kindergarten is really normal. I cried when my dd entered kindergarten even though she had been in daycare for years before that. It isn't uncommon for parents to cry while their kids tell them to leave on the first day.

The school may do this to make sure that they aren't going to get into a situation where a parent stays with her kindergarten child for several weeks after school has started. As a private school, they may not want to take on a family that doesn't appear to be well adjusted. They can pick up a lot about a family by interacting with a child in the classroom and as a private school they want to pick kids who are going to do well from day one so they can have a better reputation.

[bartleby]

So, I talked to the head teacher today, by phone. She said that my anxiety is very common, and that she has been teaching for 30 years and has handled sad kids a zillion times. She said I can stay up until a point (not sure how long) at which time she'll say, "Okay. It's time for parents to leave now." She said that she's never had a kid who is still unhappy when the playdate is over.

Good advice to talk it up. I was thinking of pitching it as "practice kindergarten day." As I said, she is really excited about going to K in the fall, so maybe the idea of "practice" will appeal to her.

I'm sure my daughter will be fine. Thank you all for the thoughtful replies. If I'm this nervous over just a 1.5 hour playdate/visit, I may really be in for it on her first day!

[Mama Shifra]

For a cynical view of the "whys" of the child visit, you may want to read (or maybe you don't want to read--it may make you more nervous than you already are) The Kindergarten Wars: The Battle to Get into America's Best Private Schools by Alan Eisenstock. In this book, it explains that the child visit is the best way the school can evaluate your child. In the cynical view, it's the best way the school can eliminate your child from the competition.

If you ask me, the child visit is the best way for you to see if your child will be comfortable in the school you are looking into. If your daughter will not be comfortable, then the school is not for her. In my 18+ years of parenting, I have learned that your's and your child's intuition is the best indicator of possible success. I have learned to go with your gut reaction--it's most likely right. So if you feel uncomfortable, you are probably telling yourself that this is not the school for your daughter.

But I do agree with LuckyMomToo that if you are feeling anxiety, your daughter may pick up on it so try to project confidence.

[MJB]

My son had to go for an evaluation at the kindergarten we applied to for the fall. They have potential kindergarteners come in groups, they take them to a kindergarten room to play and be observed. They take each kid into a separate room individually for an interview/testing. It was nerve-racking to be sure, but he enjoyed it a lot and thankfully, was accepted, so it was definitely worth it. As soon as they brought the kids back, he was asking why he couldn't start any sooner than the fall!

[bartleby]

Mama Shifra, thanks for the book recommendation. I may check it out.

I am reluctant to cast this particular school as a typical, elite private school. It is not, at least from what I can see. It is very small (maybe 40 kids total, from K-5), and the director herself at the open house said that they are not the kind of school that you have to jump through hoops to get into. If you want to go, you will likely be able to. The only kids they may say no to are those who have particular needs that the school, in its smallness, can not adequately address (e.g., autism spectrum, significant behavioral issues).

Still, I suppose I wish we didn't have to do this playdate thing, but I do feel more confident that she'll come through it fine. It helps to know that really her difficulty comes in saying goodbye. Once that moment passes, even if there are tears, she ultimately always emerges happy. So, I have hopes this will go well. Thanks again for the replies.

[bartleby]

Daughter's school visit--update

Well, my daughter had her school visit--"playdate" this morning. Out of the 8 kids who were there, my daughter was the only one who cried intensely at the prospect of me leaving, even if I just stayed in the building. Fortunately, the head teacher came up to us as I was trying to soothe my daughter, and said I could sit in a chair in the corner and stay the whole time, that she (the teacher) just wanted to see what kinds of activities she was interested in, etc. Within about two minutes, my daughter was playing at the sensory table, hanging out at the playdough table, and talking to the teachers. In somewhat subdued fashion, but still she definitely warmed up.

So, that's great. But, I admit I ask myself--"What have I done?"--that all the other kids wave bye to their parents and settle in easily, while mine has so much difficulty separating. Is it normal for a 5 year-old to just easily get dropped off at a new place with strangers and be fine with it? I have trouble believing that is true, yet from what I saw today, my daughter and I are not quite of the norm.

[LuckyMommaToo]

For where I live, you're a little outside the norm. All five-year-olds we know have either gone to preschool, or some kind of class (ballet, art, martial arts, gymnastics) that's drop-off. Not to say there's anything wrong with your DD, though. If it's not in her realm of experience, then she'd definitely need more warm-up time.

I think it's a good sign that the teachers were okay with you staying, though, and that she did warm up!
-e

[bartleby]

She has been going to preschool--a co-op--and she does great now. But we did have a process last year of gradually increasing the time I was gone. Eventually, she did great. Her issue is more with going to a new place for the first time, as was the case with this school. It usually takes her a few times before she feels totally comfortable. I can't imagine that that's really way outside the norm, but maybe it is.
Thanks for the reply.

[ollyoxenfree]

Originally Posted by bartleby

Is it normal for a 5 year-old to just easily get dropped off at a new place with strangers and be fine with it? I have trouble believing that is true, yet from what I saw today, my daughter and I are not quite of the norm.

Perhaps, you should replace "normal" with "common". Normal refers to average - I wouldn't concern myself with what an "average" child is doing. The range of comfort/separation anxiety is wide and a child could fall anywhere on it.

It is common for 5 y.o.'s to go into a new environment like a classroom without separation anxiety. Parents have prepared them and reassured them about it, the children may have older siblings who have gone to school so it isn't unfamiliar, and they may be looking forward to a new experience.

It's not uncommon, however, for a 5 y.o. to have some separation anxiety. I'm sure if you posted an inquiry about "Separation anxiety in a 5 y.o. at kindergarten", you would get at least a few sympathetic BTDT responses.

It's a good sign that the teacher responded so sympathetically and that your dd settled in and was willing to try some activities.

By any chance, did she connect with any children there? It might help if she had a friend in the classroom when she starts attending regularly.

[Peony]

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree

By any chance, did she connect with any children there? It might help if she had a friend in the classroom when she starts attending regularly.

I agree. My DD1 was very anxious about attending 1st grade this year, she had been hsed up until then. The teacher was understanding and gave me the number of a student that would also be in the class, the mom and I got the girls together several times over the summer and it helped to ease DD1's fears.

[ollyoxenfree]

Originally Posted by Peony

The teacher was understanding and gave me the number of a student that would also be in the class......

OP - For privacy reasons, the teacher may not be allowed to give out someone else's phone number unless they have consented. That's a fairly common rule in a lot of schools these days. (Or not - I find it really varies.)

You may want to give your number and a note to the teacher and ask her to pass it along, if you have someone in mind for playdates.

[bartleby]

If she had actually had a friend also going to this visit, it would have helped. As it was, she knew one boy there from another activity she does, but she does not know him well, so that was no help. She did say, on the way home, "I want to go to a school where I have a friend." Of course, we told her that she will make friends wherever she ends up going, and she did agree with that.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by bartleby

I can't imagine that that's really way outside the norm, but maybe it is.

i dont care what the norm is. at 5 my dd would definitely not want to be left alone in such a situation. even though she was in full day dc and ps.

at 5 though she had to go for an entrance exam done one on one with a kind teacher. her dad couldnt be in teh room with her. they all talked and dd let her dad sit outside the classroom while she did the test. it wasnt long.

[beanma]

I'm glad they let you stay! My kids go to a kinda crunchy private school and there was never anything like this. My kids, especially my dd1, had an enormous struggle with separation anxiety. I would be cautiously optimistic since the teacher let you stay and your dd seemed to settle in quickly.

I knew we would have a big struggle with it because we had had a huge struggle in preschool as well. Dd1 has some out of the ordinary issues, though. Dd2 also had some sep anxiety, but not off the charts like dd1.

I have seen many many K kids with sep anxiety and I don't think your dd sounds out of the realm of normal at all. Some kids, maybe even many kids, do great with drop-offs. "See ya later Mom!", but there are always several who are reluctant to say good bye. Often, with these reluctant kids, if mom or dad leaves they will recover and get happy w/in 5 minutes or so. This is why the teachers tell you to go ahead and go because if you have this kind of get-happy-in-five-minutes kid dragging it out and making it a long good bye can make it worse.

However, there are some kids, like my dd1, who have really severe cases of sep anxiety and really don't even begin to recover after 5 minutes. They need a different, slower approach. We worked through it all, though, and now at age 9 dd1 is fine with me saying good-bye. She's still not quite as easy to let go as some of her third grade peers. She prefers me to walk her into the classroom (which about 2/3rd of parents do) and would not feel comfortable at all if I just let her out of the car in a kiss-and-go lane approach like some of the kids do.

Anyway, if you're seriously considering this school, I would talk/email with the teacher before hand and let her know you're concerned about separation anxiety and easing the transistion for your daughter. Evaluate her response. If you really, really want to make it easier for your dd you might consider organizing a before school starts playdate for the class. If you could have a one-on-one playdate with a classmate that would be ideal. If the teacher doesn't want to give out other parents contact info you could ask her to give your contact info to a parent of a student she thinks would be a good friend match with your daughter.

hth