At a loss of what to do

[Peacemamalove]

My daughter has become destructive lately. I have no reason why nothing has really changed in our daily routine or lives.

Today she cut a big hole in my new crocheted dress that Dh got for me for Valentine's Day. I am so upset

I don't even know what to say or do . I feel like if I start talking I am just going to scream and yell and belittle her.

What would you do?

[skueppers]

How old is she?

Why do you think she is doing things like this? Do you feel that she's angry with you and wants to destroy something of yours? That she's curious about how you'll react? Or that she's simply curious about what it would be like to cut that fascinating fabric?

It seems to me that how you handle it depends a lot on how old the child is, and on what their motivation is.

[Peacemamalove]

Sorry I should have included more details this just happened so my thoughts weren't really all there!

My dd is 5 years old. She seems to want to destroy everything of mine lately. Anything new that I get she either breaks it,cuts it up etc.

I do not know whay she would be angry with me and I have asked her before if there was something Mommy did to upset you and she just looks at me and says "No mama, I love you. "

This time I haven't said anything to her. I am just so upset and so afriad that I will just yell and scream and through my own temper tantrum so to speak.

[mom2grrls]

Perhaps she is just bored or perhaps there is something that is bothering her that she can't put into words. I would just more closely supervise and if there is something that you think may catch her eye or you don't want destroyed lock it up or put it up out of reach. Maybe find some new games to play or activities to do

[sgmom]

I also agree with keeping a closer eye to see if you can get a clue to what's up, and also maybe giving her an outlet of destruction (give her things she CAN destroy). Cutting things that aren't paper, things she can rip apart, etc. Does she have any messy games? Finger painting might be fun for her. She'll get to make a big mess, and it might give her something (the painting) to be proud of afterwards.

[Lolagirl]

Originally Posted by Peacemamalove

Sorry I should have included more details this just happened so my thoughts weren't really all there!

My dd is 5 years old. She seems to want to destroy everything of mine lately. Anything new that I get she either breaks it,cuts it up etc.

I do not know whay she would be angry with me and I have asked her before if there was something Mommy did to upset you and she just looks at me and says "No mama, I love you. "

This time I haven't said anything to her. I am just so upset and so afriad that I will just yell and scream and through my own temper tantrum so to speak.

My two kiddos are a little younger than yours (4 1/2 instead of 5) but I have noticed that one of them has suddenly become really destructive lately as well. Honestly, it seems to me like a boundary testing thing for him, you know, how far can I push with Mom until she finally says enough/ flips out/ etc? Do you think that this might be the case for your DD?

Honestly, the first thing I do when he starts up with the destructiveness is take away whatever he is using to be destructive in the first place. So, scissors get put away where he can't get at them, the big wooden car he was throwing at the lamp (or his brother) gets put away, and so on. I would really suggest that you start with a practical solution like this, especially if she has made a pattern of cutting up your belongings. In my mind, there is simply no good reason for her to continually have access to something she is using only for negative purposes.

In the alternative could she be doing these destructive things in an attempt to get additional attention from you, and if so have you noticed a specific pattern of when she engages in this sort of behavior? At 5 years old she is probably old enough to discuss with her why her conduct is something that needs to stop and to brainstorm some solutions with her to try and prevent her from continuing with her destructive behavior.

Hope that helps.

[hakeber]

I think I would have cried. DS (who will be five in a few weeks) broke my favorite antique christmas ball this year, when we were moving. He knew he wasn't meant to touch it (it had been my grandma's) but he took it out of the box after I had packed it away so he could "see the light sparkle on it" as he rolled it...off the table

When he fessed up (just as I was unpacking it's special keepsake box in which he had stored the shards.) i just was so sad.

I didn't scream or yell, I just cried. It was like the fifth thing in a month that he had searched out and "accidentally" broken or drawn on...I was just so sad. Since seeing me that sad, he has stopped completely. Maybe he wanted to know for sure whether breaking my stuff, even if he broke my heart, would change my love for him, and the answer he found was no, but he might make me really sad in trying. I don't know, but being honest and open with him about how I don't care about things, it's just stuff, but some stuff holds memories of people you love and as we move around a lot, I don't get to have a lot of those things, just really seemed to touch something in him.

I went through a phase of cutting holes out of the favorite clothing and things of my family right around when my parents started fighting (I was 6), either just before or just after they separated, I can't remember. Anyway, I had it in my head, maybe from Sunday school, that when you died you couldn't take anything with you to heaven, but I figured, they wouldn't make you empty your pockets, right? So I rationalized that anything you could carry in your pocket you could take in...so I went around the house and cut holes out of all my family's favorite outfits, just small swatches to remind me of them, in case I died (presumably until we met up again, or maybe I wasn't sure of the destiny of my loved ones, who knows? I was six!).

My sister was NOT impressed with my sentimentality, at all.

I think a good calm talk about why is a good idea, though the answer might be, I dunno.

[my_baby_love]

I don't think you should scream or belittle her, but I do think she might need to see how upset you are. As another poster said, when her son saw her cry from being so sad the behavior stopped. She may just be looking for your reaction and wants to know how far she can push. I also agree that the scissors or whatever should be put away.

She may be feeding off some tension in your house, so it could help to look at what is going on in your home. Maybe nothing, but it couldn't hurt to take a good look at where she might be getting some negative feelings.

That sounds so hard. I wish you the best in figuring it out!

[claddaghmom]

Hmm I remember seeing this stage several times in my siblings. We still talk about one sister who took scissors and cut her clothes all over while wearing them.

If it's not boundary testing then I would say it's just boredom or a desire to see what happens. I would provide lots of messy and crafty projects.

[bnhmama]

I agree that she absolutely needs to know that yes, you noticed and yes, you are very, very hurt and upset.

I kind of wonder if she's not pushing to see where her boundaries, are, too. I firmly believe that there's a fair amount of security that lies in finding boundaries. No, they don't agree with all of them but yes, mom/dad is still aware of what I'm doing and they mean what they say when they set limits. Ykwim? I have a hard time articulating this thought but I really believe that when they push, it's sometimes just a strong need to feel that boundary and security.

Ds seems to cycle through phases where I seem to have to tighten up every boundary we have. It sucks a lot, especially at first but then he just RELAXES and the challenging behavior of that phase suddenly gets SO much better.

If I'd have been in your shoes, I probably would have told ds, I am feeling so, so angry and sad (hurt, whatever your emotion is.) This dress was very important to me and not something I can fix or have another of. Cutting a hole in it means I can't use it anymore (maybe you can, I just know in my situation, since I can't sew a stitch...) Cutting holes in our clothes is not okay.

I would also, absolutely, put away ANYTHING she's using to cause destruction. I've done this before. I always let him know that if he was using it inappropriately, then that shows me he's not ready for the responsibility of having it.

I also have spent a fair amount of time helping him to learn that simply saying sorry doesn't eradicate the feelings a bad choice caused.

I'm sorry, Mama. I felt a little sick when I read about your dress. I know what a bummer that can be.

[heartmama]

I got a chill reading about your dress because I can imagine what a big deal a new dress would be for me, and I would have been bawling all day.

If you are in the habit, up to now, of keeping your emotional reactions under the control you described in this post, it may very well be that your daughter is trying to find the 'real you' by pushing you into situations where your reaction will be spontaneous and authentic.

If you are unsure of the line between berating her and being legitimately upset, ask yourself what your reaction would be if a generic person accidentally ruined the new dress. Now what would you feel? Can you connect with those general feelings of sadness, and let them out?

It is tough to give specific advice here because her motivation may have nothing to do with your reaction. It may be a 'cry for help' kind of misbehavior. Or she may be copying something she saw elsewhere. Further, she might just be generally experimenting with boundaries, and feels safest testing out her curiosity on your stuff, because she trusts you not to hurt her.

However, when/if you can assess why she is doing this, whatever the reason, she will have to find constructive ways of communicating her needs. Cutting up your dress is not acceptable in any event, and at a minimum, until you get a sense of why she is acting out, I would limit her access to scissors, markers, glue, or whatever are the typical tools implicated in the damage.