PLEASE get my back here...

[mommy amber]

long story short,
ds (13m) has been a crappy sleeper since birth...we're talking waking an average of 6-9x/night with one waking lasting an average of 1-3 hours.
he co-sleeps. he breastfeeds.
we've tried:
food elimination (he has dairy issues...we've screened for others but found nothing thus far)
chiropractor
cranial sacral therapy
homeopathy (for gas and teething)
flower remedies
baby zantac (for suspected reflux at one point)

I am really struggling. I've been in therapy for about a month now b/c things have gotten so bad. I cannot function during the day. I resent him at night. I think awful things...
My therapist (and so so so many others) want us to CIO.
I understand that at this point, I'm not a nurturing mama at night even when I am responding to him and that this is literally harming my health...but I cannot get myself past the thought of him alone and scared and cried his bloody brains out.
I want to try letting dh take 100% of the night over for a week and see if that gets us anywhere.

Right now, dh sleeps with dd (4) in another room and he and I switch during the night when I reach my breaking point with ds.
Dh is willing (mostly) to give this a whirl...but is worried it won't work and it'll be a waste of time and unnecessarily hard on him for a week (he's already under a lot of stress right now).

I'm thinking, CIO absolutely has to be our last resort but something NEEDS to change...we are falling apart here.

So, is my plan a reasonable alternative? Think it'll work?

fyi, dh does get him back to sleep quite often and ds is perfectly capable of going back to sleep w/o the boob...and he also eats tons of solids through the day so I am confident he doesn't need milk for a nutritional/hunger pov at night.

[kgreenemama]

My DS is a frequent-waker, too. Our routine was better than yours by 1yr, but still presents challenges. At 22 mo he's been waking hourly lately. Brief wake-ups, but enough to make me feel narcoleptic at work. I don't have any clue why some babes are this way, but I do know it will end. Eventually. I know a light at the end of a very long tunnel is not much to hold on to when you are as resentful and tired as you are.

Do you think your therapist is doing a good job helping you find ways to relax? I've heard, and I think at least part of this was true in my case - that babies can sense confusion/frustration/tension/anger and have trouble relaxing themselves. We tried some similar solutions as you, but ultimately, DS's sleep got (a little bit) better when I finally accepted that he was just going to be tough to deal with for a while.

I hope you find an answer that works for you and your family. I wish I had more solid advice for you. Best wishes.

[Carhootel]

if it were me i would try it. many moms nightwean at that age succesfully and let dh take over... i'd try it

[sapphire_chan]

meanwhile, since you two are alone in bed, when you get him off the breast after nursing, try moving as far away as possible. Just a quick thing to try out to see if it reduces how often he needs to latch on.

[prescottchels]

What about the No Cry Sleep Solution (book)? I've heard great things about it from others here...
Good Luck!!

[Maluhia]

It sounds like you need a break, but CIO will obviously not do that.

I think you need to switch with DH for the FIRST part of the night, for a 5-6 hour stretch so that YOU can get that one big chuck then maybe be willing to nurse at 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. and 6 a.m. if that is what the little one needs. Rather than set up for FIRST being exhausted THEN handing off, try switching that and have DH take the first half of the night (even if it means cuddling a crying little one) and you go to bed EARLY. NO computers, no caffene past noon, just calm and quiet in your room for YOU alone from 8 p.m. on. Then be willing to be a nighttime parent after midnight or 2 a.m. so you start out your night with a chuck of time that makes you sane.

That is what I would do, even if only for a few nights or a week until caught up. Make sure to pump in the day so DH can feed your baby of course, and make sure to feed lots of non-allergy foods to your baby. Also, try to remember once you are rested that this little person is not doing this TO anyone, it's just how this person's body is and you needed time to regroup so you could be the best nighttime parent you could be

[Super~Single~Mama]

I'm with Maluhia - that sounds like it might work! And, if it works better for your son to be with your DH at night, then your DH can take over night wakings. Especially since your DS goes back to sleep for your DH.

Give it a try.

[cristeen]

co-sleeping and CIO are not the only two options. Have you tried putting him in his own space in your room? I know many mamas have found that baby sleeps better with their own space (I'm one of them). We technically co-sleep in that babe is in the bed with me, but he has his half of the bed and I have my half. I don't infringe on his and he only sometimes infringes on mine (when he turns sideways and starts kicking me). We actually spent over a month with him sleeping completely separately from me before I moved him back into the bed with me. But I notice that if I get up in the middle of the night, he'll start stirring, just from the small movements of the bed. This is why we each have our own side of the bed now. Some babies need to be on their own entire mattress - whether that's a crib or a floor mattress or a side-carred anything - so that there's no transfer of movement when you roll over or get up to pee. If you haven't tried that, that would be the first thing I tried. Just give him his own sleep space still in the room with you, and see if he sleeps better. If that doesn't work, then move on to the next thing.

[justKate]

Have you thought about Dr. Jay Gordon's night weaning?

http://www.drjaygordon.com/development/ap/sleep.asp

[bodhitree]

The strategy that Maluhia suggested is what we started doing a few months back, and it has worked very well for us. My DD used to wake 5-10 times a night, and like you, I ended up in therapy because I was so miserable. We got the No-Cry Sleep Solution and used many of the techniques in it, but what helped the most was putting a mattress on the floor in DD's room and having DH do the nighttime duties for the first part of the night. He gets DD back to sleep by snuggling her on his chest, and then whenever she seems to really need me, he comes and gets me and we trade places.

It has taken three months, and we've had plenty of setbacks during that time, but overall there has been gradual improvement. Last night she went to sleep around 8pm and didn't wake up until after 3am! And best of all, there has been hardly any crying. On a couple of nights DD cried in DH's arms for maybe 20 minutes because I was at the end of my rope, but other than that, it has been a very gentle process.

Good luck!

[MujerMamaMismo]

I too am where you are...my DS's sleep is getting worse and worse. We're back to every 40mins-1.5hrs with a long wake somewhere in the middle there.

A couple of weeks ago, I couldn't cope anymore and checked myself into a hotel for the night to sleep. It certainly wasn't ideal but the interesting thing is that DS only woke twice and went back to sleep with ease (self settled in a couple of minutes once, had a sip of water the other.) What that says to me is that the great majority of his wakings are habit/boob related. Previously, we'd tried having DP sleep with him and me in a different room but he knew I was still in the house and it didn't work.

What else this says to me is that he will probably be ok with Jay GOrdon's nightweaning method when we try it in a few weeks time. I wonder if your babe would too?

Good luck.

[ssh]

If your DH is willing to try taking over at night you could have expressed breastmilk for your DS. Also when your DS is getting in teeth, have you tried ibuprofen? When our DD was getting her canines and molars giving her one dose a night was the only way we could sleep. Also if your DS is about to walk, he may sleep better after he starts walking.

Any therapist or doctor that recommends CIO isn't aware that the latest research shows it does permanent neurological damage. Here are two articles http://www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/...enNeedTou.html , http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/li...n_palmer2.html .

[mommy amber]

thanks everyone for the replies...we tried it last night and ds only woke 4 times for dh...we switched places around 4:30, so I got a huge chunk (it felt like a glorious forever after what the past year has been!) and I felt like a new mama today. I had patience...I felt joy, I was happy to be mama
we'll see if tonight goes the same way.
ps. dh gets to sleep in after handing ds off to me so he's not totally sleep deprived and resentful of both of us...
I hope this plan keeps working for us!

[bodhitree]

I'm so glad you got some good sleep! And if your experience is anything like mine, your lo may start out waking 4 times for your DH but will soon start waking fewer times. Now on many nights my DD doesn't wake up at all for DH until it's time for us to switch anyway. Most of our bad nights now are caused by teething. And yes, we do ibuprofen for teething now, and it helps a lot.

[mommy amber]

we do ibuprofen/actemetaphine for teething when it's bad...but I get worried about giving it to him too much...he's so affected by teething pain, I feel like the possibility of over-use is definitely there...he does often sleep much better when I give him something though...

[bodhitree]

I asked our ped for her opinion on how much ibuprofen was too much. She said that as long as we're only giving it once a day, doing it every night for even a few weeks would not be a problem. I don't like giving DD a lot of medicine, but I really trust our ped's opinion, so I don't feel too bad about giving ibuprofen when needed.

[ssh]

We just gave DD one dose of ibuprofen before bed when her teething was really bad. The correct dose is based on weight. During the day I'd let her suck on shaved ice. I make it in a magic bullet and it had the consistency of snow.

[To-Fu]

OP, how'd it go the last couple nights?

[hakeber]

I wanna know too! I can't imagine the kind of crazy beast I would turn into after a year of sleep deprivation torture.

When dd (7 weeks) wakes the first time I feed her lovingly, a second time I feed her sleepily but happily, if she wakes a third or fourth time I start to cry and DH makes me go sleep in ds' room and grabs a bottle of EBM from the freezer. Luckily for my freezer supply that has happened...TWICE since coming home from hospital.

Mommy Amber, One thing we have done during rough patches with sleep with ds was to have dh sleep between us, so that he didn't wake up "smelling coffee" ya know? I could be sound alseep but if I get a waft of coffee I pop up in an instant. I think for some kids, BM is their coffee. If they smell it all night, they want it. Having dh as a barrier for your LO's olfactory senses might help...plus you get to sleep with dh, which is nice, right?

Seriously, though, I give you HUGE kudos for not snapping and being comitted by this point. you are such a brave, loving mama.

[mommy amber]

Originally Posted by To-Fu

OP, how'd it go the last couple nights?

omg.
I feel like a super hero.

a full nights sleep (three nights in a row now!) feel amazing...though, full disclosure- I started zoloft at the same time as this sleep experiemnt so that could be a contributing factor too

ds is sleeping better without me too...he's waking less frequently, napping better during the day...

dh is managing. they had a rough patch last night where he could not get him back to sleep for awhile...but overall, he says it hasn't ben bad.
basically we're switching off b/w 4 and 5 am and I let dh sleep in then so we're each getting a solid chunk of uninterrupted sleep.

Mommy Amber, One thing we have done during rough patches with sleep with ds was to have dh sleep between us, so that he didn't wake up "smelling coffee" ya know? I could be sound alseep but if I get a waft of coffee I pop up in an instant. I think for some kids, BM is their coffee. If they smell it all night, they want it. Having dh as a barrier for your LO's olfactory senses might help...plus you get to sleep with dh, which is nice, right?

yes to this!!
I think it is a proximity thing and probably the anxiety and anger/resentment I was bringing to the table (ahem, bed) wasn't helping matters either...ds is a sensitive soul and he picks up on my mood quickly...

oh, I hope this continues to work!
it is absolutely amazing how downright functional I feel...and I've re-found the joy of parenting that I thought I had lost!!!

thanks for all the advice!