Grandparents taking your child to church if you are not religious?

[snoopy5386]

This weekend for the first time MIL and SFIL watched DD so we could go away overnight - we left Saturday morning and came back Sunday afternoon. They came and stayed with DD at our home (about 3 hours from theirs). MIL and SFIL are very religious and very involved in their church, DH and I are not religious at all - we don't believe in any organized religion.
Since they were staying at our home far away from their church it hadn't occurred to me that they might take her to church on Sunday morning. When I talked to them Saturday night they mentioned getting together with some nearby relatives the next morning. It didn't occur to me until Sunday morning that they'd be going to church with these relatives and bringing DD with them.
MIL never mentioned church - either before or afterward. When I asked DD what she did that morning she said we went to so and so's house, we went to church and then we went to breakfast - that is how I found out they went.

I'm still not sure how I feel about this.....we in general have a great relationship with them and we have managed to go for years without our differing religious beliefs being a problem....I knew having kids would bring things up and I'm really not sure how to deal with this issue.
Looking for insight.

[Mountaingirl79]

i have no problem with my son's grandma taking him/them to church for Mass when they are with her. It is valuable time with grandma and they are being exposed to something other than what they know at home. They know also, that not everyone is Catholic, so it is just a new experience and bonding time for them right now.

My oldest son loves it, but my younger one does not and usually chooses to stay with whatever non- practicing adult is in the house at the time.


I just see it as exposure to different things.

[a-sorta-fairytale]

I would be a bit irritated that they hadn't asked me first. That said, we are not the same religion as my IL's or my dad but i told them both they could take my kids to church. IL's have never taken me up on it they have taken my kids bowling like twice for an hour and that is it.

My dad on the other hand is really close with my kids. they sleep over 1-3 times a month and usually it is on saturday so he has church sunday. He has taken dd a few times. She usually doesnt like it and finds it boring but if she wants to sleep over on a sat she knows that she might be going to church. sometimes she likes going because sometimes they have a big breakfast afterward or one of her cousins will be there. I dont have an issue with it because dd is very bright and understands that diff people believe diff things and grandpa believes something diff then us. If he sneakily took her i would be angry with him. It is the fact that he is open with us about it that makes me fine with it.

[TinkerBelle]

If you don't want your child to go to church, that is your right. But, you may need to find new sitters. Because you should not expect them not to attend their church, if it is that important to them, just because your child is there.

I am not saying you would expect that, but wanted to put it out there, just in case.

They may not have even thought that it would be a huge deal, because you know that they go to church.

[Hedgehog Mtn]

I feel you mama. If I asked my mom to babysit over a Sunday I guess (never having thought about it till your post) that she would go to our local church of her denomination. She always looked for one on vacation etc so spending a weekend at my house would be no different I guess. I'm not sure I'd be thrilled but I wouldn't feel okay asking her to skip if she was watching my kids. Babysitting for a weekend would be awesome if she could do it. I don't think she could comprehend why it wouldn't be okay with us....if I told her it was offensive I'm sure she would not ignore me and take them anyways but I really don't think she would understand.

[new2this]

For me I wouldn't be bothered by it because I think it is a great teaching tool to expose kids to that sorts of things even if it would be against what I believe because I want my kids to grow up to eventually make their own choice so being exposed to it wouldn't bother me.

ETA: I think since you generally have a good relationship with them it could be like since it never occured to you that they would go maybe it didn't occur to your MIL that you would generally mind and something worth asking permission for.

[annethcz]

My parents take my kids to church when the kids spend the weekend with their grandparents. It doesn't bother me. I am a former Christian, and not terribly fond of organized religion. That said, I respect my parents' beliefs. I also think that it's generally a good thing for my kids to be exposed to religion on an occasional basis. It will allow them to make a better informed decision regarding religion as they grow up.

[philomom]

Yeah, my parents snuck both my kids off to church when I had asked them not to. I had to limit overnights after that.

I'm not comfortable with the church I grew up in... it is very brain-washy and cult-ish. I'm thrilled to have broken away from the flock.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by snoopy5386

MIL never mentioned church - either before or afterward.

That's seriously icky.

We tried to be cool about the whole "different people believe different things" thing, but my parents used every visit and gift opportunity to try to evangelize my kids. I finally talked to them and pulled the plug on it. It was very uncomfortable, but made every thing much simplier.

I'm sure in some families being mellow would work, but not with my parents. They don't understand mutual respect or a middle ground, so we had to draw a firm boundary.

[Bellabaz]

I would be angry they didn't ask first and they seemed to have purposely avoidded telling you. However if it was discussed before hand, it probably wouldn't bother me very much.

I am the odd one out in our family. Dh and fam and most of my fam are Catholic (although my fam doesn't really practice and dh doesn't really either). I was raised Catholic but no longer believe in the church. I personally don't care for organized religions at all. If my dd were to spend the weekend at ILs it is possible they would take her to mass. I think it could be a good opportunity to expose her to the faith a lot of her family members practice and be explain to her that its not the only thing out there and that difference people believe different things or show thier belef in different ways.

[AllisonR]

Originally Posted by Bellabaz

I would be angry they didn't ask first and they seemed to have purposely avoidded telling you. However if it was discussed before hand, it probably wouldn't bother me very much.

This. In this case, I don't think the issue is church at all. It could have been the ice cream parlor or Disneyland. The issue is that they were trying to pull one over on you, and they got "caught" by your DD who told where she had been. if I had to guess, if you flat out asked them, did you take her to church, they would have said yes. But they were not going to say it themselves. To forget to tell you they had a piece of chocolate is a simple oversight. To "forget" to tell you they went to church, knowing clearly you do not go to church, that is not "forgetful." That is dishonest.

If it was me, I would feel hurt. And I would tell my folks that.

For the record, my parents are Roman Catholic. DH and I are athiests. If they were taking DS and DD over a weekend, and wanted to go to church, they would let us know, beforehand. If they had honestly forgot to mention it, they would either not take them, or take them and then let DH and I know when we got back. That's just simple honest and respect for one another. And I would be fine with either scenario. I would not love it, but I would accept it. Their home, their time, I am grateful they are loving grandparents who can watch my kids while I have a break, so a little church isn't going to hurt my kids.

[Ldavis24]

I don't know which would annoy me more. The fact that they didn't mention it at all or even ask. Or the fact that my DD was brought to church in the first place.

I am not going to stop DD from going to church when she is older but there is no chance she will be going with me or me letting her go with anyone until she asks me herself to go. I do want her to learn about other religions because it is important to know all you can and if she wants to be any one thing that is her decision when she is old enough to understand it a bit. I am not interested in her stepping foot in a church though as there are other ways to learn about organized religion. I guess I just have a real disdain for organized religion and to me there are far more important things for her to learn about. That said I would never ever be mad at her for joining a church or particular religion, much of my family is very catholic and it certainly doesn't impact how much I love them.

[mtiger]

Unless this is something that's a regular event, I really wouldn't sweat it. I don't think they were "pull one over" on you - it sounds as though it didn't occur to you that they'd be going to Church, and it didn't occur to them that you wouldn't think they would.

Was the child harmed, upset, confused, etc? Or was she okay with it, especially spending time with her grandparents? Then I wouldn't be too concerned or upset. Personally.

[ollyoxenfree]

I would be concerned that they aren't talking frankly about how your child spent time with them. It doesn't bode well for a future honest relationship between grandparents-parents-children. You'll always wonder what they might allow your children to do that you wouldn't favour.

I would explain to them that you would like to be informed fully and completely about their plans and about any changes to plans.

As for the church-going itself - that's a personal matter. You'll have to decide for yourself whether you object. I wouldn't. It's an important part of the grandparents' life. Thus, I think their grandchildren should understand it and make some effort to experience it, even if they don't hold the same beliefs. For that reason, I would attend a few times myself with them, and I wouldn't object if they wanted to go when I couldn't. If you object, though, you are entitled to ask the grandparents to keep your child out of church. I don't think you can ask them to take care of your child on Sundays though, if that is their regular day for religious attendance.

[wemoon]

This wouldn't be a big deal for me. My kids hate church, so they would probably complain the whole time. We've only gone for marriages, baptisms, and funerals. I think it is good that they have an idea of what church is, so that when people ask why they don't go they can formulate some sort of answer. Right now they tell people... Because it is boring!

[possum]

I wouldn't feel comfortable with my young child being taken to an evangelical soul-winning type of church AT ALL. IME, they are always looking for recruits, and the younger the better. I would definitely feel comfortable with my young child going to a service and seeing other people worship as long as they didn't have any need for my child to worship too. In general I think I'd feel comfortable with my son observing a Christian high church service or going to a number of non-Christian services.
I wouldn't feel comfortable with deceit for any reason, but I'm not sure that is what happened in your case. My ILs are wonderful people who might very well do some religious thing without thinking much of it and not mention it. They just see god as a real part of their lives and tend not be be self-conscious about their religion.
Unless you have explicitly forbidden church visits or were purposely misled, I wouldn't sweat it once. But I would address it for the future.

Melinda

[Joyster]

I might be on the side to give them the benefit of the doubt. If your DD is old enough to tell you, they probably weren't thinking of pulling a fast one on you. Are they aware of how much you don't want her exposed to their religion? Is it something you expressed explicitly with them? Were they aware that they were going to make the service, being in a different area?

I'm asking these questions, not to challenge you, but help you ascertain whether or not they really had some crummy motives behind it. If you feel they have, or if they still really want to go to church on Sunday's even if they have your DD and you're against that, you might have to find some new sitters for overnight weekends.

For me, I wouldn't feel too upset, I believe religion starts at home, and though we do go to church (or try) weekly, I feel that the most important lessons they get are from us. But then again, our church isn't really big on the whole uber-indoctrination stuff.

[PoppyMama]

I'm not seeing any sneakiness here just normal routine that no one considered. My grandmother went to church away from home too and took us. My dad had left christianity completely but my going with her was never a problem.

[Grace and Granola]

Let me preface by saying that I'm a church-goer...but I hope that my perspective will help you

First of all, as far as some people thinking it's sneaky for them not to have mentioned church before or after....don't you know that they go to church every sunday? I would assume that it would be a given unless you specifically told them not to take the kids to church. When you go to church EVERY sunday, it's just part of your life, not a big event that you talk so much about...it's just what you do! I would think that it would be assumed they were going since you know they go every sunday.

As far as your feelings about them going....Even though we go to church, my MIL goes to a different church, and when the kids spend a night there, she is SO excited to take them to her church. She is overjoyed to "show off" her grandkids to her friends and have them be a part of her life in that way. I think it's awesome how proud she is of them.

Also, if you're worried about the "religion" of it all. Your dd will learn far more about God from your ILs, themselves, than from the church. KWIM? They will learn by what ILs tell her over the years, not from singing some songs and doing a craft at an hour in Sunday school. At least at our church, the kids are just doing fun stuff while the adults are in church!

If your DD didn't like going or was scared or something, then I would definitely say something. But if she doesn't mind and your ILs get some joy out of it, I don't see the harm. HTH

[snarky]

Originally Posted by TinkerBelle

If you don't want your child to go to church, that is your right. But, you may need to find new sitters. Because you should not expect them not to attend their church, if it is that important to them, just because your child is there.

I am not saying you would expect that, but wanted to put it out there, just in case.

They may not have even thought that it would be a huge deal, because you know that they go to church.

My inlaws take my daughter to church as well when she is staying with them. I am fine with this. It is unfair to expect my inlaws not to attend church because they have my daughter. I didn't see any malice in this either. To some people going to church is like breathing and it is almost a routine non-event in their day (my mother-in-law goes to daily mass).

Now I am not religious so I find my daughter's understanding of Jesus when she comes back from mass kind of amusing. When she was two, we'd read "There's an Alligator Under My Bed", she'd point to the mom in that book (who had long hair and a robe) and said "Jesus!" You'll have plenty of time to talk to her about what she is and isn't learning (pro tip: not much if she's not attending regularly). Either let it go or find a new sitter.