entertaining two babies..somewhat of a vent

[Zevy]

I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or just a place to cry.

I have twin girls who were born 10 weeks early. They are now almost 3 monhts old, but 1 month adjusted. I just had early intervention over yesterday and they are on track for a typical 1 month old baby. No major health problems as of yet.

They are just starting to get out of the 'sleep all the time' phase. I am still home on maternity but will be going back to full time employment in the next two weeks.

I also have a very active 2 year old (who luckily has no jealousy problems and adores his sisters...he is fascinated by them).

While I am home alone, I feel bad for not being able to spend so much 1-1 time with the girls...by the time they are fed, I pump (I exclusively pump), try to get something done, etc., it is then time to repeat the cycle. I remember doing so much 'tummy time' and play time with my son when he was this age, and I feel like I am neglecting them because as soon as they are fed I have to go pump or get something done.

Then when my son gets home (right now he is out with a nanny during the day usually), HE needs attention and dinner, and that is when the girls are in their most 'needy' time...6-8pm our house is just a zoo...I end up with three kids who are needing attention and I only have two hands. I lost my temper twice last night and my son ended up crying. I feel so horrible. My husband works late and doesn't come home until after 7:30 two nights a week, which is when my son goes to bed. I will be getting home around 6pm, so for those nights it is just going to be me and three hungry/clingy children. After a full day of work.

When I am back to work I also worry about my nanny being able to handle all three of them and make sure all three get proper attention. She has a lot more experience than I do, so I am probably just projecting...but I can't help but feel badly that SOMEONE is always going to be 'waiting' for me while I attend to someone else.

Support, advice...anything? I know this is just a short period of time, but man...the last two nights have just been awful. And I'm still sleep deprived since we get up for feedings overnight, so I'm sure that isn't helping...

[daisie31]

I am in the thick of that right now myself. All I can say is, you get used to it. Sometimes I don't even realize someone is crying if I am helping one of the others. I try to always address the needs (true needs like hugs, kisses, poops) of my ds (4 y/o) first so that he feels how special he is. I don't like to put him off too much because I don't want to enable resentment of the babies. These babies cry alot more than ds ever did because there just isn't enough of me to go around. I try to meet all needs in a very timely manner but some times it's just a zoo, like you said.

We have had one EI visit too and almost laughed at all the things she wanted me to do for the babies. I felt like I would need 2 other adults to get it all done. They both have mild torticolis and plagiocephaly. I do what I can and it's working for them, their heads are getting better. I think you just have to accept that you can't do everything and prioritize.

I feel for you having to go back to work. It' gonna be a madhouse when you get home for awhile. Try to somehow carve out some personal time for yourself so you don't lose it.

It sounds like you are doing a great job! I have yet to find a twin mama who didn't identify with most of what you posted.

Dena

[Missie]

I sure do relate. Mine are 3 now, but then they have 3 older sibs and one younger..talk about full days.

Games....
It was always a blast for me to play this little piggy with them...when all the way home came i would alternate....toes of one baby, home to the other, or even an older kid (your son would love if you played piggies with the twins and tickled his neck instead once in a while.

peek a boo is great. your twins may not get into it quite yet, but your son would probably have a blast playing that with them...for a minute anyway

You are doing great. Just gotta hang in there, it does get easier as they grow and their needs aren't so demanding.

Can I ask why you are exclusively pumping and not giving it to them straight from the tap? (And congrats on that.. i only got my twins exclusive either way for one month during their nursing..seriously that's amazing that you are doing that!!) was just thinking though if you could nurse them together for feeds it would cut out the pumping time and give you that much more time even if it is just to take a deep breath a few minutes to regroup.

What type of area do you live in? Could you maybe get some high school kid to come over after school to help with chores? calling a local school or church to ask if they have a program like that (with you having three kids the high school student could maybe get some kind of work credit) my school offered that waay back. Red cross has babysitting classes, maybe someone that is interested in taking that class could come help you, observe you and offer a helping hand. I'm just coming up with ideas here, I was stubborn and wanted to do it all myself so... (I started babysitting at church when I was 11, great networking)

can you combine pumping and feeding? pump one side and feed one twin, then switch sides and babies and bottles?

Just some thoughts that came into my head. I hope somthing can work for you. It is ok to leave the kids in a safe place when you are feeling frustrated and take a few minutes for yourself, too. If you have to leave the "get something done" for a cycle or two, do it. A few more dishes at a time is a small price to pay for a feeling of mothering well or peace of mind.

oh, for ideas on the get something done thing visit www.flylady.net there may be some ideas there for you too. (come to think of it I should go there again myself lol)

[Zevy]

Thanks for the support ladies. I know I am not alone and that every mom of multiple children (even those with just more than 1 child, not just twins) goes through this.

I can't bf because they need fortified breastmilk to up their calories and they need rice cereal to help with reflux. So my options are either complete formula or BM with just a bit of formula added. I prefer as much BM as I can. And, I would have to supplement anyway, because even with taking domperidone I only get about 33 oz/day and they take combined just above that...they would be too weak to actually take more from me: they have feeding issues even with the bottle. Whenever I've done bf'ing and weighed before/after they never get more than 1/2 -1 ounce. So unfortunately pumping is the only way.

I love the games ideas! It is a blessing that my son is so involved. I'll also talk to the nanny about that...she used to work in day care settings, so I'm sure she is used to getting children to play together, even at different ages.

I do try to attend to my son first...I figure he is more likely to remember and (as you said) I don't want him to resent his sisters. I have him next to me when I pump, and he helps hold the bottle when I feed them.

I have heard of flylady and I will check it out. Getting extra help is also a good idea...we have been having friends come over in the evening to help 'hold a baby', and that makes a big difference.

Its nice to know I'm not alone... I'm just starting to feel so overwhelmed...

[hergrace]

You are in one of the toughest periods right now. My trio weren't quite as premature as yours, but I remember at about 1 month adjusted thinking that the work to positive feedback ratio was all wrong. With full-term babies, at 3 months, you are getting through the period where the kids are all work and no play and starting to get to a period where they amuse you and play with you. With preemies, you have been doing intense parenting for months and are still a month or two from the fun really starting.

I was exclusively pumping for similar reasons and gave up pumping at 6 months adjusted because I couldn't spare the time for pumping. It became really clear that my kids needed my arms around them more than they needed my breast milk. If you get to that point, remember that you have done an amazing thing pumping for two babies for months.

Since you are already bottle feeding, you might want to look into the Podee bottles. http://www.podee.com/ Your kids are a little young at the moment, but they were life savers for me. The big advantage of them is that the kids can control their own bottle feeding much earlier since they only need to be able to hold a pacifier full of milk in their mouths without having to be able to control the whole bottle. It enabled me to cut down on some of the crying because I could get food into every baby when they were hungry without them having to wait if somebody else was also eating. In addition, I could find ways of being in physical contact with all of them while they were eating or I could cuddle one at a time depending on what their needs were at the time. As they got older, they really enjoyed the ability to eat and look around the world at the same time rather than having a bottle blocking the view. Also, if your nanny would like to prop bottles to feed them at the same time, the Podees are a much safer option. And, some kids have less reflux with those bottles, so that could be an added benefit.

As for their stimulation, one thing to remember is that if they can see each other, they are able to interact with each other, so you don't need to be their only playmates. This will get more true over time. One thing I used to do for tummy time was lie them down with their heads towards each other so they were motivated to lift their heads and look at each other. Or, I would prop them on their tummies on nursing pillows facing each other.

I was home with the triplets and had a nanny to help me during the first year. When DS1 would come home from school, I would focus entirely on him and the nanny took care of the three babies on her own for an hour or so. She always seemed much more capable than I was during that time. She was less sleep deprived than I was, less disturbed by the crying, and not distracted by the things around the house that would get done if there weren't four small children needing care. You may find that your nanny handles things with much more competence than you imagine.

[dividedsky]

just a quick note... mine came @ 32 weeks. i think even harder than there being 2 of them was the extended tiny infant thing. it seemed like it took forever for them to catch up in the beginning... i remember feeling like they'd never leave the newborn stage! couple that with the breastfeeding issues prematurity presents and you have a recipe for utter insanity. power on through. it gets infinitely better when they can play + roll around. you're doing great! and if you can afford it, and don't have it, definitely get someone to clean, even every other week, or once a month, to do the major scrubbing... you will feel so much better for it.

[Kat's Mommy]

Me too!

I'm in the thick of it too. DD is 4, and twins are 2.5 months.

I'm breastfeeding, and supplementing formula. Even with Domperidone, I don't make enough milk for them.

I feel so guilty for not doing more tummy time, one on one time, etc.

It enabled me to cut down on some of the crying because I could get food into every baby when they were hungry without them having to wait if somebody else was also eating.

I'm listening! What age did you use them? I don't have anyone to help me during the day. So it's me and the babes all.day.long.

Gotta run...one is crying now...

[hergrace]

Originally Posted by Kat's Mommy

I'm listening! What age did you use them? I don't have anyone to help me during the day. So it's me and the babes all.day.long.

I can't remember exactly when we started using the Podees, but I have pictures of them drinking from them at about 3 months adjusted. When we started, I remember thinking it was earlier than the people who had suggested them to me had success, but my kids took to them right away.

[daisie31]

Well, after reading some of the replies, I have to agree that a change is just around the corner for you. My life just got a bit easier in the last couple of weeks. I can now shower without someone crying while I'm in there. They are more content now and I can put them in the bumbo or the exersaucer for short periods. They also love it when ds plays with them. It's funny, I didn't even realize the transition because it happened so gradually. I have to say that now they are happy more often than upset. Hang in there, it's sooo close for you. Mine were 4 weeks early and they just turned one month so maybe 6 wks or so? That sound horrible huh? It really is gonna be soon though.

[DeerMother]

Hang in there!

I'm glad you have some evening help coming. In addition to help holding babies, could you ask your support for help w/ food or laundry? (especially when you go back to work!) Those were the two things I had the hardest time keeping up with. What about feeding the freezer or take away meal places?

I had intense guilt about not giving enough individual time too, it has lessened a lot the older they get (now 2). I just had to acknowledge those feelings and accept that I was doing the best I could.