hello there! - Page 3

[aihcalappa]

Originally Posted by DirtRoadMama

I really wish he'd just make a decision. Either he is going to go to counseling and get this sorted, and get on some meds, and get clean and sober, and ultimately come home... or he isn't. Telling me one thing one day, and then acting hurt about all of it the next, it's getting tiring. And I'm tired of being tired.

I can relate to every word of this. I went through this with my ex for years. It is incredibly exhausting.
One of the hardest things for me to do in the process of splitting up with my ex, is to let him do what he's going to do, and just focus on what I'M going to do. It is a daily struggle for me, but as time passes, it gets easier.
Maybe your ex WILL get sober, and go to counseling, and work on himself. Maybe he won't. At this time, he is not in any position to be a good partner to you, and you need to focus on yourself, and your children.
Sending you good vibes. Stay safe.

[DirtRoadMama]

It's like a knife in the gut. He just sent a text that says he loves me, he's lost without me and doesn't know what to do.



I know I could be all mad an write back that I've told him what to do, but that just isn't me. The reality is that if he doesn't know what to do, it's because he doesn't want to do the things necessary to actually fix the problem. He wants me to accept another apology, and for nothing to actually get better.

This just makes me so sad.

[*MamaJen*]

Originally Posted by DirtRoadMama

It's like a knife in the gut. He just sent a text that says he loves me, he's lost without me and doesn't know what to do.



I know I could be all mad an write back that I've told him what to do, but that just isn't me. The reality is that if he doesn't know what to do, it's because he doesn't want to do the things necessary to actually fix the problem. He wants me to accept another apology, and for nothing to actually get better.

This just makes me so sad.

Bingo. That's what abusive and controlling guys are really good at -- apologizing, making pretty words, tricking you into thinking things will get better, and then doing the exact same thing all over again. For an abusive guy, "I'm sorry" is basically a way to get you to let them abuse you again.
Abusive guys who change for the better are kind of like the Yeti or UFOs -- you hear that they exist, but I've certainly never seen one with my own two eyes.
It's really hard and even though they were awful to you, there is a grieving process you still go through. Let yourself grieve for the good times, but know that if you go back to him, you're basically putting a big sign on your back that says "hurt me some more, please."
He really does sound to me like he might have borderline personality disorder, and a if that's the case, a little counseling and a prescription won't make much of a difference. BPD is really, really difficult to fix. There are a couple of mamas on here with BPD, and with years of counseling and a true deep-seated desire to be healthy, they're doing well. But if a guy half-heartedly does counseling to appease his ex, it's pretty much a waste of time.

[DirtRoadMama]

Another update

So, after a few days of drama-filled texts and a couple of phone calls (one answered, the rest not), I've come to a few conclusions.

To understand these conclusions, you should know that after all these non-productive texts that were repeats of previously said things (about how I was stubborn, and heartless, and not letting him come back because I was showing off to my friends), I texted him the following:

"You are not coming back until you have gotten counseling and are healthy to be around. You couldn't be nice to me for five minutes of the phone last night. This has nothing to do with my friends. This is my final word."

Then he texted back "Heartless?", and I texted back "[stbx's name]. That was my final word." Then I got a phone call. I'll get to the phone call in a minute.

One - He is not listening to what I have to say. If I bring up the issues I see, then he says I won't leave the past in the past. If he brings up the issues he sees, apparently that is ok.

Two - He is not acting like a man who truly loves me. It actually took an article in a magazine to click on this lightbulb. The article was about a guy who was going to leave this cushy job writing articles on love (I think he's the Jake from Cosmo?) because of this girl he was dating. She took a job halfway around the world, so they broke up. He missed her terribly, and finally sent her an email. She wrote back, they talked on the phone, she said she'd love to see him again... so he's quitting his job, packing a bag, and flying there, hoping she was serious. Those are the actions of a man in love. I'm not getting that.

Three - As much as this hurts to admit to myself... He has been trying to break up with me for a while. Maybe it wasn't consciously, but let's look at the past 2 years or so... name calling, yelling, cheating, minimizing, general unhappiness no matter what... That sure sounds like trying to get rid of someone.

Four - I don't think he has actually been trying to come home. I think he has been trying to make me actually break up with him. Why else would someone pass up all the offers to wait for him to get help? I've even told him I would wait for him for two years; a guaranteed time that I would not date anyone else, just in case he decides to get help? Anyway, I think he has been trying to get me to break up with him so that he can completely bail on being a part of our kids' lives, and still be able to blame it on me. I wasn't giving him that option, by saying that he has a choice to get counseling or not. But, wouldn't you know it, he has managed to turn it around to all my fault (because I'm not letting him come home while he goes to counseling, etc.) He even said, on a voicemail that I saved (the previously mentioned last phone call), something to the effect of how he is going to tell our kids, when they ask him why he was never around, that he wasn't around because I was heartless and selfish and wouldn't help him when he needed help the most." So, this all leads me to believe that, all this time, he has been waiting for me to ACTUALLY break it off, so he can blame me for him disappearing.

*sigh*

This leaves me in the position of knowing that now he has his blame excuse, and I'm pretty sure the drama is going to slow down now. At least, I am not responding to anything else he has to say. I'm done.

Stick a fork in me. (because I'm done... it's a joke. (where is the half-hearted smiley?))

[MissLotus]

I've just read through this and wow, OP, you really have your head on straight, in spite of everything that's happening. Good for you, because it's going to save you a LOT more heartache.

I think he has been trying to get me to break up with him so that he can completely bail on being a part of our kids' lives, and still be able to blame it on me. I wasn't giving him that option, by saying that he has a choice to get counseling or not. But, wouldn't you know it, he has managed to turn it around to all my fault ... you are right on. Abusers love to make themselves out to be the victim, so that no matter what they do, they can get away with it.

Stand strong just like you are.

[DirtRoadMama]

Thanks, MissLotus. It's been a wild, painful ride.

Now, the hardest thing is having this new baby alone. I'm just not excited about it, and I feel awful for that.

Ok, something I am grateful for... My single-mama friend, who lives one state over, is very interested in coming to live with me. She has a boy one week younger than DD. My house is big enough for all of us (with the kids sharing space), and if she stays more than one year, I'm planning on getting the basement finished out, and then everyone will have their own bedrooms. We both love to garden and work in the yard, and we get along really well. It would also be a huge financial boon to me to have half or nearly half of the household bills paid for. It would also be built-in babysitters, and non-romantic companionship. It just sounds great. I'm hoping it works out, and soon. Money is getting tight, and child support doesn't seem to be coming any time soon.

[Freedom~Mama]

Just wanted to give you a big hug.

Your Ex sounds a lot like mine. It really is a hard road, isn't it? I am sure both of us (and our children) will be a lot happier in the long run but it is just so hard and scary at first.

[Theia]

You can do this. I also hope that your friend is able to come live with you. It sounds like it could be a good thing.