I realize that this is very long...but I wanted to remember everything. So enjoy my short novel!
The day before I went into labor was like any other day. I had no major nesting urges and in fact, felt a bit tired. I had been contracting all day but they weren’t painful so I thought nothing of them. Because my due date was only a day away, I reassured several people that “no I wont be going into labor soon...probably next week or something. Im just not feeling it.” Goes to show you what I know…
3 am the next morning I woke, yet again, to go potty. As I snuggled back into bed, I realized that I was having a contraction and it even hurt a little. Again, I figured it was nothing. An hour later I was awoken from my sleep by another contraction. I laid there for a few minutes and another one came….and then another...and another. I decided to get up and begin timing but didnt want to wake my hubbie, Jamie, for fear of this being a false alarm. I made myself some oatmeal and looked up a contraction timer online...2-3 minutes apart. “Huh...I think those are kinda close?” I texted my dear friend and doula, Nicole, and explained what was going on. It was also about this point that the hormones had begun to “clean” me out and I made several trip between the bathroom and my birthing ball. I began to think this was the real deal and told Nicole to book her flight (she lived in TX) I also called Linda, my widwife, who promply told me to go sleep while I could. After an hour of timing, I crawled back in bed. I turned to jamie and said, “Baby Jonah is coming.” “Huh?” “I think baby Jonah is coming today.” “How do you know?” I explained all the details, that I had contacted Linda and that Nicole would be here later that afternoon. Once the initial excitement wore off, I told him to go back to sleep. I tossed and turned for about an hour (still contacting every 2-3 minutes) and finally resolved that sleeping was impossible. Laying down made the contractions more painful and sleeping just wasnt an option anymore. So back out to the living room I went. I let the pups out and together we watched the morning news until Jamie got up. Jamie made us a wonderful breakfast and we all spent the next several hours timing and waiting.
Around noon I had noticed some “show” and was very excited by this...my cervix was thinning and dialating! Having passed on the typical internal check during prenatal visits, I had no idea how “far along” I had been...so I enjoyed seeing that I was, in fact, progressing. I decided that I wanted to hop in the bath to try and relax a little. Jamie drew one for me and got the bathroom all ready (having done a little research on his own, he knew that being cold could slow my contractions so he made sure the bathroom was completely heated before i hoped in the tub...isnt he wonderful?!) The water felt AWESOME!! It relaxed me and made my contractions easier to cope with. After I was good and pruney, I got out and went back to laboring in the living room. I found the most comfortable position was on my knees bend over my birthing ball. I would slowly rock my hips from side to side during contractions hoping to move Jonah into prime position.
Nicole, my doula, got into town around 5pm and I was very very happy to see her. Having been around for the birth of her two kiddos, it was exciting to have the roles reversed! We chatted a bit and then made up some dinner. Around this time, Linda called to say that she had an opening in her schedule and offered to swing by our house to check baby’s heart rate and check me if I felt so inclined. I wasnt sure what I wanted to do….like I said, up until this point, I hadnt had a single internal check. I wanted to know that I was progressing but I also didnt want to find out that I was only 2cm or something (as my contractions were getting more and more intense by this point). Linda came by at about 6:30pm and baby’s heart rate sounded great...Jamie and I decided that we wanted to know how far along I was and Linda and I soon announced that I was 5cm and about 95% effaced! Half way there! Linda told me that I should really try to get some sleep as it was getting late and we might have a long night ahead of us. She suggested a glass of wine or a benedryl to help calm me and told me to call her when I started to go non verbal throughout my contractions. I ate dinner, took another bath and soon after that, we all crawled into bed. As soon as I laid down, my contractions became significantly more intense. After 3 contractions, I felt the need to “clean out” again and dashed off to the bathroom. It was about 10pm by this point and I felt that it was time to go to the birth center. Being a 30 minute drive away, I didnt want to get caught pushing my kid out in the car. So we called Linda and off we went. During the drive, it had begun snowing beautifully and it was such a treat to see Nicole’s delight in it (being from TX, snow isnt a common sighting). When we got to Mother’s Own, I was so delighted to be there. The birth room was set up with dim lights and candles, the tub was hot and ready and there was a robe and comfy bed ready and waiting. A wonderfully conducive environment for the birthing woman!!
I asked Linda to check me again. I was now at 8cm and my cervix was mostly thinned except for one side. I really wanted in the tub at this point so Linda suggested I lay on my right side to get Jonah’s head to help the thinning process. With soft music playing in the background, Jamie hopped in the tub and helped me get comfy as we worked through contraction after contraction together. I cant tell you how amazing it was to have him by my side throughout this whole process. He’s my best friend, my biggest fan and my team mate...his support helped me so much. Together we made this baby and together we were bringing him into this world.
Another hour spent in the tub and I started to feel too hot...so back to the bed I went. Linda checked me again and I was at 9cm but that pesky lip was still in the way! I laid on my right side again hoping to help things progess and BOY DID IT EVER! My contractions became progressively more and more intense but I was confident that my baby was getting closer and closer to being born.
Side note: with regards to my contractions, yes they were painful...think strong period cramps. But its not like I was in pain the ENTIRE TIME! I think thats what many women think and immediately talk themselves out of a natural childbirth. The time between contractions was completely PAIN FREE giving me just enough time to rest and prepare for the next one. And lets not forget all those natural pain killers flooding my brain...they’re good stuff!!
I moved off the bed and tried some lunge type positions while continuing to contract. At this point, I would go non verbal during contractions but I was still joking and talking between them...oh and I remembered my “please” and “thank yous” which Im sure that my attendants appreciated. I never turned into the snarling woman that Hollywood likes to portray. I just found myself so thankful for the whole thing. Nicole did a wonderful job of keeping my juice and water cup full, providing me with fruit when I needed it and protecting my birthing space. I am so thankful for all the work she did! She was such a servant and made my experience completely unforgettable.
I did lots of moving around at this point and ended up back on my knees draped over the birthing ball. Linda said that I could try pushing if I felt the need. It was at this point that I started to get very emotional. I had been laboring for 21 hours and was beginning to get tired and frustrated. I just wanted to meet my little boy and began to doubt my ability to go on for much longer. Linda could see my frustration and asked if there was anything I needed to talk about or if I just needed to have a good cry. I said that I wanted to cry with Jamie and Nicole so she and her assistant left the room to give me some space. I cried over my frustration and vented my doubts to go on...I cried about not knowing what pushing felt like or what it even meant to push. Nicole then explained what I could expect and suggest I try a few. I tried a couple pushes and felt like I was moving something along..but not by much. It was at this point that Linda suggested breaking my water. We did and fortunately it was all clear so no meconium to worry about. I moved to the birthing stool where I pushed for another hour an a half with Jamie supporting me from behind. I was working so hard and continued to become increasingly tired and frustrated. Linda then gently suggested the possibility of transferring. She said that I was beginning to tire and that something more may be going on than we knew about.
Immediately my mind started racing…”but i forgot to print my birth plan and they’re going to do all this stuff that I dont want done!!! I dont have the strength to fight off unnecessary procedures and birth my baby!” I dont know if it was the fear of transferring or what but with the next contraction, I finally got to experience what it meant to PUUUUUSH! It was like my body took over and something very instinctual and ferocious began to take place. Every muscle in my body was focused on moving my baby down and I began grunting like Ive never grunted before (I had been very quiet up until this point mind you!) When that contraction was done, I looked around and everyone had this look of “there ya go!” on their face….I was in shock and could only say “so thats what pushing is like!?”
More contractions and more pushing...I began praying intensely now “God please help me, Im getting tired, I dont want to transfer but I want to meet my baby. Give me the strength Abba...together we can do this.”
Another hour and half had gone by and Linda said it was time to transfer. The tears began to fall. I knew that I was exhausted and that it needed to be done, but I felt so defeated...even now as I write this, Im getting teary. I was ready to throw in the towel and just let them “cut me open or give me an epidural...I dont care.” Sensing my feelings of defeat, Jamie, Linda and Nicole all began to encourage me...telling me what a wonderful job I had been doing, that I was working so hard, and that there was no shame in transferring. I had done everything I could and now I needed just a little help.
I had two contractions in the time that it took to get the car loaded and everyone set for our drive to the hospital (yes we drove ourselves). Then Linda came over and said, “Now as hard as this may be, you really need to save your energy and not push. Your pushes are not being effective right now so try not to.” ….seriously?!
We walked me out to the car and it was still snowing...the flakes were big and fat and there was little wind so they fell quietly, dusting everything. During the twenty minute car ride to the hospital, I managed to not push through all but two or three contractions. You can only imagine what that was like!! At one point, I caught Jamie’s eye in the rear view mirror and he looked so worried. I wanted so badly to tell him that I was ok...but I couldnt manage to say much. Fortunately, we were only a minute from the hospital at that point.
I somehow managed to get out of the car and into a wheel chair. Up the elevator we went as women passed me and threw glances of “oh we know where she’s going!” We got to labor and deliver and I was concentrating entirely on no pushing. So pesky but important questions like “Name? Birthday?” ect were driving me nuts. Then the check in nurse said “Ok we’ll now send you down to triage…” In my mind I screamed “WHAT?!?!??! IM ABOUT TO PUSH A FREAKIN KID OUT LADY!” Fortunately the nurses behind her said “NO no no...she goes right in there.”
As soon as I was out of the chair and into the bed, the first nurse I come in contact with says “Now you’re probably going to need an epidural or some pain medication.” I said “Nooo. Im going to have this baby naturally.” She responded with “Well if we’re going to need vacuum or forceps, you’re going to want some sort of pain relief.” I got my attitude face on and said “No. I wont.” Sensing the tension, another nurse stepped in and said “well we just want you to be open to it.” “Fine!” I said...knowing full well I wasn’t going to take a single thing from them. The car ride had refreshed my energy and being in the hospital motivated me to still have the natural birth that I wanted. The rest was a blur of bright lights, questions….“What the social security number?”, people in and out and next thing I know, a male doctor introduces himself and immediately sticks his hands inside me. (Now first off, I have issues with having a male doc, secondly, I was used to Linda asking if she could put her hands here or there which I greatly appreciated and found so respectful considering my past history of sexual abuse) After Dr Grabby Hands felt around, he said “I want you to push with the next contraction.” So there we waited...and waited...and waited. Dr Grabby Hands said “I must have scared him off…” I thought to myself “Noooo….you’re a man I met about five minutes ago whose got two fingers inside my vagina….of course im not relaxed enough to have a damn contraction you idiot!” But again, I didnt say this
Instead I turned to Nicole and said “Dont let them cut me.” She told me that I needed to tell them that myself NOW! So I looked Dr Grabby Hands dead in the eyes and said “dont cut me.” He tried to argue (seriously?!) by saying “Well you’re probably going to tear…” I said “I dont care, I would prefer to tear than be cut.” He and his resident rolled their eyes but didn’t cut me.
Side note: my philosophy on episiotomies is this- yes it might be easier to sew up a clean cut than a tear...but think of a piece of fabric that you’re trying to rip, you can pull and pull and pull and it may rip, it may not….but put a small cut in it and RRRRRRRRIP...there it goes. The occurrence of 3rd and 4th degree tears SIGNIFICANTLY increases with the use of episiotomies...were talking tears into the rectum...thanks but no thanks.
With the next push, someone said something about hair. HAIR!?!? YES!!! A nurse asked if I wanted a mirror. I never thought that I would want to see the whole thing happening...but after so many hours of labor and hard work, I wanted to SEEEE what I was doing and know that I was progressing. Two more pushes and he was out!! All I remember saying was “My baby! My baby!” and thinking how beautiful he was! I made it through the ring of fire and only had a small tear to show for it. Turns out that sweet little Jonah had his hand up on his ear making it very difficult to push him out and ultimately led to my tearing. HA! His poor little ear was completely flattened...it was so cute and hilarious!
Even though Jonah’s birth didnt go at all how I had imagined, I wouldnt have changed a thing. It was such a wonderful experience and I felt so blessed to have had such an awesome midwife, doula and husband. Without them, I couldnt have done it. Their support was astounding and helped me to find the strength to go on when I felt like giving up. I will be forever thankful for all that they did for me.
The day before I went into labor was like any other day. I had no major nesting urges and in fact, felt a bit tired. I had been contracting all day but they weren’t painful so I thought nothing of them. Because my due date was only a day away, I reassured several people that “no I wont be going into labor soon...probably next week or something. Im just not feeling it.” Goes to show you what I know…
3 am the next morning I woke, yet again, to go potty. As I snuggled back into bed, I realized that I was having a contraction and it even hurt a little. Again, I figured it was nothing. An hour later I was awoken from my sleep by another contraction. I laid there for a few minutes and another one came….and then another...and another. I decided to get up and begin timing but didnt want to wake my hubbie, Jamie, for fear of this being a false alarm. I made myself some oatmeal and looked up a contraction timer online...2-3 minutes apart. “Huh...I think those are kinda close?” I texted my dear friend and doula, Nicole, and explained what was going on. It was also about this point that the hormones had begun to “clean” me out and I made several trip between the bathroom and my birthing ball. I began to think this was the real deal and told Nicole to book her flight (she lived in TX) I also called Linda, my widwife, who promply told me to go sleep while I could. After an hour of timing, I crawled back in bed. I turned to jamie and said, “Baby Jonah is coming.” “Huh?” “I think baby Jonah is coming today.” “How do you know?” I explained all the details, that I had contacted Linda and that Nicole would be here later that afternoon. Once the initial excitement wore off, I told him to go back to sleep. I tossed and turned for about an hour (still contacting every 2-3 minutes) and finally resolved that sleeping was impossible. Laying down made the contractions more painful and sleeping just wasnt an option anymore. So back out to the living room I went. I let the pups out and together we watched the morning news until Jamie got up. Jamie made us a wonderful breakfast and we all spent the next several hours timing and waiting.
Around noon I had noticed some “show” and was very excited by this...my cervix was thinning and dialating! Having passed on the typical internal check during prenatal visits, I had no idea how “far along” I had been...so I enjoyed seeing that I was, in fact, progressing. I decided that I wanted to hop in the bath to try and relax a little. Jamie drew one for me and got the bathroom all ready (having done a little research on his own, he knew that being cold could slow my contractions so he made sure the bathroom was completely heated before i hoped in the tub...isnt he wonderful?!) The water felt AWESOME!! It relaxed me and made my contractions easier to cope with. After I was good and pruney, I got out and went back to laboring in the living room. I found the most comfortable position was on my knees bend over my birthing ball. I would slowly rock my hips from side to side during contractions hoping to move Jonah into prime position.
Nicole, my doula, got into town around 5pm and I was very very happy to see her. Having been around for the birth of her two kiddos, it was exciting to have the roles reversed! We chatted a bit and then made up some dinner. Around this time, Linda called to say that she had an opening in her schedule and offered to swing by our house to check baby’s heart rate and check me if I felt so inclined. I wasnt sure what I wanted to do….like I said, up until this point, I hadnt had a single internal check. I wanted to know that I was progressing but I also didnt want to find out that I was only 2cm or something (as my contractions were getting more and more intense by this point). Linda came by at about 6:30pm and baby’s heart rate sounded great...Jamie and I decided that we wanted to know how far along I was and Linda and I soon announced that I was 5cm and about 95% effaced! Half way there! Linda told me that I should really try to get some sleep as it was getting late and we might have a long night ahead of us. She suggested a glass of wine or a benedryl to help calm me and told me to call her when I started to go non verbal throughout my contractions. I ate dinner, took another bath and soon after that, we all crawled into bed. As soon as I laid down, my contractions became significantly more intense. After 3 contractions, I felt the need to “clean out” again and dashed off to the bathroom. It was about 10pm by this point and I felt that it was time to go to the birth center. Being a 30 minute drive away, I didnt want to get caught pushing my kid out in the car. So we called Linda and off we went. During the drive, it had begun snowing beautifully and it was such a treat to see Nicole’s delight in it (being from TX, snow isnt a common sighting). When we got to Mother’s Own, I was so delighted to be there. The birth room was set up with dim lights and candles, the tub was hot and ready and there was a robe and comfy bed ready and waiting. A wonderfully conducive environment for the birthing woman!!
I asked Linda to check me again. I was now at 8cm and my cervix was mostly thinned except for one side. I really wanted in the tub at this point so Linda suggested I lay on my right side to get Jonah’s head to help the thinning process. With soft music playing in the background, Jamie hopped in the tub and helped me get comfy as we worked through contraction after contraction together. I cant tell you how amazing it was to have him by my side throughout this whole process. He’s my best friend, my biggest fan and my team mate...his support helped me so much. Together we made this baby and together we were bringing him into this world.
Another hour spent in the tub and I started to feel too hot...so back to the bed I went. Linda checked me again and I was at 9cm but that pesky lip was still in the way! I laid on my right side again hoping to help things progess and BOY DID IT EVER! My contractions became progressively more and more intense but I was confident that my baby was getting closer and closer to being born.
Side note: with regards to my contractions, yes they were painful...think strong period cramps. But its not like I was in pain the ENTIRE TIME! I think thats what many women think and immediately talk themselves out of a natural childbirth. The time between contractions was completely PAIN FREE giving me just enough time to rest and prepare for the next one. And lets not forget all those natural pain killers flooding my brain...they’re good stuff!!
I moved off the bed and tried some lunge type positions while continuing to contract. At this point, I would go non verbal during contractions but I was still joking and talking between them...oh and I remembered my “please” and “thank yous” which Im sure that my attendants appreciated. I never turned into the snarling woman that Hollywood likes to portray. I just found myself so thankful for the whole thing. Nicole did a wonderful job of keeping my juice and water cup full, providing me with fruit when I needed it and protecting my birthing space. I am so thankful for all the work she did! She was such a servant and made my experience completely unforgettable.
I did lots of moving around at this point and ended up back on my knees draped over the birthing ball. Linda said that I could try pushing if I felt the need. It was at this point that I started to get very emotional. I had been laboring for 21 hours and was beginning to get tired and frustrated. I just wanted to meet my little boy and began to doubt my ability to go on for much longer. Linda could see my frustration and asked if there was anything I needed to talk about or if I just needed to have a good cry. I said that I wanted to cry with Jamie and Nicole so she and her assistant left the room to give me some space. I cried over my frustration and vented my doubts to go on...I cried about not knowing what pushing felt like or what it even meant to push. Nicole then explained what I could expect and suggest I try a few. I tried a couple pushes and felt like I was moving something along..but not by much. It was at this point that Linda suggested breaking my water. We did and fortunately it was all clear so no meconium to worry about. I moved to the birthing stool where I pushed for another hour an a half with Jamie supporting me from behind. I was working so hard and continued to become increasingly tired and frustrated. Linda then gently suggested the possibility of transferring. She said that I was beginning to tire and that something more may be going on than we knew about.
Immediately my mind started racing…”but i forgot to print my birth plan and they’re going to do all this stuff that I dont want done!!! I dont have the strength to fight off unnecessary procedures and birth my baby!” I dont know if it was the fear of transferring or what but with the next contraction, I finally got to experience what it meant to PUUUUUSH! It was like my body took over and something very instinctual and ferocious began to take place. Every muscle in my body was focused on moving my baby down and I began grunting like Ive never grunted before (I had been very quiet up until this point mind you!) When that contraction was done, I looked around and everyone had this look of “there ya go!” on their face….I was in shock and could only say “so thats what pushing is like!?”
More contractions and more pushing...I began praying intensely now “God please help me, Im getting tired, I dont want to transfer but I want to meet my baby. Give me the strength Abba...together we can do this.”
Another hour and half had gone by and Linda said it was time to transfer. The tears began to fall. I knew that I was exhausted and that it needed to be done, but I felt so defeated...even now as I write this, Im getting teary. I was ready to throw in the towel and just let them “cut me open or give me an epidural...I dont care.” Sensing my feelings of defeat, Jamie, Linda and Nicole all began to encourage me...telling me what a wonderful job I had been doing, that I was working so hard, and that there was no shame in transferring. I had done everything I could and now I needed just a little help.
I had two contractions in the time that it took to get the car loaded and everyone set for our drive to the hospital (yes we drove ourselves). Then Linda came over and said, “Now as hard as this may be, you really need to save your energy and not push. Your pushes are not being effective right now so try not to.” ….seriously?!
We walked me out to the car and it was still snowing...the flakes were big and fat and there was little wind so they fell quietly, dusting everything. During the twenty minute car ride to the hospital, I managed to not push through all but two or three contractions. You can only imagine what that was like!! At one point, I caught Jamie’s eye in the rear view mirror and he looked so worried. I wanted so badly to tell him that I was ok...but I couldnt manage to say much. Fortunately, we were only a minute from the hospital at that point.
I somehow managed to get out of the car and into a wheel chair. Up the elevator we went as women passed me and threw glances of “oh we know where she’s going!” We got to labor and deliver and I was concentrating entirely on no pushing. So pesky but important questions like “Name? Birthday?” ect were driving me nuts. Then the check in nurse said “Ok we’ll now send you down to triage…” In my mind I screamed “WHAT?!?!??! IM ABOUT TO PUSH A FREAKIN KID OUT LADY!” Fortunately the nurses behind her said “NO no no...she goes right in there.”
As soon as I was out of the chair and into the bed, the first nurse I come in contact with says “Now you’re probably going to need an epidural or some pain medication.” I said “Nooo. Im going to have this baby naturally.” She responded with “Well if we’re going to need vacuum or forceps, you’re going to want some sort of pain relief.” I got my attitude face on and said “No. I wont.” Sensing the tension, another nurse stepped in and said “well we just want you to be open to it.” “Fine!” I said...knowing full well I wasn’t going to take a single thing from them. The car ride had refreshed my energy and being in the hospital motivated me to still have the natural birth that I wanted. The rest was a blur of bright lights, questions….“What the social security number?”, people in and out and next thing I know, a male doctor introduces himself and immediately sticks his hands inside me. (Now first off, I have issues with having a male doc, secondly, I was used to Linda asking if she could put her hands here or there which I greatly appreciated and found so respectful considering my past history of sexual abuse) After Dr Grabby Hands felt around, he said “I want you to push with the next contraction.” So there we waited...and waited...and waited. Dr Grabby Hands said “I must have scared him off…” I thought to myself “Noooo….you’re a man I met about five minutes ago whose got two fingers inside my vagina….of course im not relaxed enough to have a damn contraction you idiot!” But again, I didnt say this
Instead I turned to Nicole and said “Dont let them cut me.” She told me that I needed to tell them that myself NOW! So I looked Dr Grabby Hands dead in the eyes and said “dont cut me.” He tried to argue (seriously?!) by saying “Well you’re probably going to tear…” I said “I dont care, I would prefer to tear than be cut.” He and his resident rolled their eyes but didn’t cut me.Side note: my philosophy on episiotomies is this- yes it might be easier to sew up a clean cut than a tear...but think of a piece of fabric that you’re trying to rip, you can pull and pull and pull and it may rip, it may not….but put a small cut in it and RRRRRRRRIP...there it goes. The occurrence of 3rd and 4th degree tears SIGNIFICANTLY increases with the use of episiotomies...were talking tears into the rectum...thanks but no thanks.
With the next push, someone said something about hair. HAIR!?!? YES!!! A nurse asked if I wanted a mirror. I never thought that I would want to see the whole thing happening...but after so many hours of labor and hard work, I wanted to SEEEE what I was doing and know that I was progressing. Two more pushes and he was out!! All I remember saying was “My baby! My baby!” and thinking how beautiful he was! I made it through the ring of fire and only had a small tear to show for it. Turns out that sweet little Jonah had his hand up on his ear making it very difficult to push him out and ultimately led to my tearing. HA! His poor little ear was completely flattened...it was so cute and hilarious!
Even though Jonah’s birth didnt go at all how I had imagined, I wouldnt have changed a thing. It was such a wonderful experience and I felt so blessed to have had such an awesome midwife, doula and husband. Without them, I couldnt have done it. Their support was astounding and helped me to find the strength to go on when I felt like giving up. I will be forever thankful for all that they did for me.
Love you Kelly! So happy to be a art of Jonah's birth. it was an honor to be there. and you did FANTASTIC! you made birth look easy breezy! he is such a cutie patootie too!
