Post Partum Baby Blues or Depression?

[stacylsc]

Thanks to the Mamas on the Weekly Chat Thread...Ficus, I really needed to hear that and just SAYING how sad I've been somehow helped and actually is making me face this "thing" and try to decide how to proceed...

My question is:
How long is too long to feel this way?
How much is too much and requires me to go in to see my OB?

I'm two weeks out from the delivery and...

I cry off and on all day...the c-section HURTS (SOOO much more than with my first son...and am TICKED about this not turning out as a VBAC as my girls were) and I'm having trouble staying on top of the pain...I have meds, but don't want Tucker to be drugged any more than he already has been. I have so much guilt that somehow this is all my fault...I somehow pushed him out of the womb...

I also cry because of how it went...I'm getting better with that and FINALLY unpacked the hospital bag today...I've tried and tried this past week to do it...I honestly couldn't...I did cry as I did it today, but I was still able to keep going, which is progress, I think...I didn't sort or read any of the papers, but I did get the other items out...just looking at the clothes I went to the hospital in made me sob again...I just keep thinking of how excited we were...

I cry because this was my "last chance"...we have planned on four children and after the ride we've been on (bedrest, tough labor ending in a "c") we're not sure about a fifth child...not to mention the cost of a fifth in our brood...so my "last chance" just didn't go as I hoped and I'm sad about that.

I HATE to be alone and am super clingy to my husband (NOT at all like the normal me)...decisions are nearly impossible to make...concentration is difficult at times...I don't want to hurt myself or the baby and I'm able to enjoy life, so I don't know to what extent this is a big deal.

Its like my mind can logically tell me that the most important pieces are there...healthy mom, healthy baby...that it was a birth "PLAN"...not a birth "set in stone"...and that my body, and the baby, had their reasons for why it went the way it did...but somehow I can't match my emotions to my logic...does that make sense?


My AMAZING husband is standing by watching all of this and is starting to get concerned...I told him to give me until the end of the week...I feel that I'm behind the curve because of how drugged I was the first week...that these emotions didn't even really start to hit until the start of the second when I started to wean off some of the heavy drugs.

Has anyone gone through this? How much is too much? How long is too long? Suggestions for getting through this? I really can't do exercise...it just hurts too much (I still feel like my guts are going to spill out)...I have been re-reading some of the things I wrote while I was still in the hospital and that has helped a TON, and have finally talked to a few other people, besides my husband, about how I feel...they have been supportive and its helped a little. I appreciate any help and feedback.

[aramat]

Girl, I can identify. My girlie came 2 months early, so a hospital birth instead of my Ideal Final Birth at home with water and a doula and music. I think we will never know why she came so early... People are always asking how old she is; she is 10 weeks now but has the body of a newborn. Sometimes the whole thing seems so unfair to Juju, but she's happy, so...maybe not. She doesn't know it should've been different.

PPD... I GOTS IT. I hate this stupid sad/angry feeling that I can't shake! UGH, this is NOT FAIR! Because of course everyone thinks we should just 'suck it up'; my husband gives me the 'just be happy' lecture constantly...

If I can find an affordable, english-speaking therapist here in Brasil, I am GOING. And if I can get my hands on some Zoloft, I am TAKING it. Every once in a while, the PPD/hormones give me a break, and I get a brief opportunity to see how the hormones are causing me to blow things out of proportion; I want MORE of those moments of clarity; I want a reason to get out of bed in the mornings, and I want to be able to argue with my husband without having to stifle unreasonably angry curse words.

So, how much is too much? This much. Find someone who can help you out, so you can enjoy your life and your baby right now, not just later, because who knows how long the hormones will stick around. My PPD hit on week 3, so I've now spent 7 weeks waiting for it to dissipate, but instead it comes and goes--and then I have days like today when it just completely tries to take over. YUCK.

HUGS, and, whatever you do, be good to yourself.

[AustinMom]

What you are feeling so many moms go through, and sadly, so few of those moms reach out. You should be proud of yourself, for growing a healthy baby, wanting to provide the best birth for the two of you, changing you plans when needed, birthing him (regardless of how the birth went), and reaching out for help postpartum. It took me 6 months to get to the point of asking for help.

Bottom line is, if you feel like you are not yourself, get help. It doesn't have to be a "textbook" case of PPD or whatever, there is no such thing. If you feel you can benefit from help, get help. Personally, I feel based on what you wrote, that you could you some professional guidance from people who deal with PP mood disorders.

I read the book "Rebounding from Childbirth to Emotional Recovery", it's wonderful. It helped me through so much. I highly recommend it. I cried though it, and felt so much more comforted knowing that someone else has gone through it, and hearing all of the experiences and how to deal with what I was feeling.

You don't have to go see your OB if you don't want to, I'm not sure they would be able to provide you with what you need, except provide recommendations of people who can help you. I don't think dealing with PP mood disorders is part of their training. Go see a Psychologist, a family counselor, a Psychiatrist, or therapist. Make sure they have worked with moms with your feelings.

You don't have to feel the way you feel. You don't have to hurt like you hurt. You don't have to think about kid number five, (although, I certainly thought about the next baby whilst in the hospital), you don't have to do anything you don't want to. You do owe it to yourself to be happy.

Much, MUCH , love to you.

[stacylsc]

Ladies...there are not words...I needed that. I NEEDED to hear that I should be proud...and when I read that I realized that indeed...I SHOULD be proud...I SHOULD have FULL enjoyment right now...our miracle is HERE for crying out loud! The thought that this could go on for months...that scared me "straight"...I can get help, and I shall.

[SheBear]

The year after my 3rd child was born was the worst of my life to date. I had a hard time emotionally with his pregnancy (starting to believe that has something to do with gender, because I've had such a hard time with this one, too!), but the birth was perfect. The first 4 weeks were hard, but I thought it was just "normal" hard, because I had a newborn, very little support outside of dh, 3 kids under the age of 4, and it was winter so we were cooped up and low of vitamin D.

Then when he was 1 month, I threw my back out. Bad. For a couple weeks, I couldn't walk without a cane or even lift my 10lb baby--dh had to stay home to help me, then we had a homeschooled teenager from our church help me during the day. For the next several months I was in constant excruitiating pain--it hurt to walk, to lie down, to sit and nurse. I went into survival mode, and barely could do that much. The kids got fed, but not always dressed. I rarely got dressed or showered. I rarely got fed as much as I needed--it was too much work, too much pain, too much energy to manage.

Chiropractic helped with the back, but I fell into the habit of using the pain as my excuse for everything. It pretty much hid what in retrospect was clearly PPD. Dh and I had a lot of loud, angry arguments. He called me crazy (and meant it!) several times-- I know he was as frustrated as I was, and worried about me, with no real idea of how to help. There was a point where LITERALLY the only thing that kept me from packing a suitcase and disappearing--leaving my husband and my children--was the thought of my little baby boy having to drink formula instead of Mama milk. Finally one time he called me crazy and I proved him right with such a crazy reaction that I was finally able to see it myself. Almost like an out-of-body experience.

I made a bogus appointment with our family doctor (with whom I had a close, trusting relationship--I adored her!) the next day. I wrote a letter--a long rambling letter and had her read it because I couldn't make the words come out of my throat. The main gist was that while it was necessary for me to go into (barely) survival mode when my back was injured, now--a whole 9 months later-- I had finally realized that I'd never been able to dig my way back out of survival mode and into the real world. The back was healing and physically I was managing so much better, but my brain was refusing to believe that. I'd hit a wall, and I had been banging uselessly against it. And banging my precious family against it, too. Twas time to find a better way--I needed some sort of help to get over the wall, or get around it, or something. Anything.

I didn't need a long-term fix. I could smell the fresh air and I knew that just beyond that wall was the beautiful life I'd almost forgotten. I just needed a nudge.

I used Zoloft for about 6 months after that, and it was exactly the nudge I needed. It is considered safe while nursing. It does have the side effect in some women of causing weight gain (I gained 30 lbs I didn't need, but every ounce was worth the trade-off!!).

I quit cold-turkey (not advisable!) when I discovered I was pg with #4. I would ask for an rx for it again in a heartbeat if I needed to! And considering how this pregnancy has gone, and that it's another boy, etc., I am very much on guard, and have asked dh to also be on guard for me. There may be better, more "natural" approaches out there than zoloft, but it was a lifesaver for me, and I don't say that lightly.

I just want you to know you aren't alone, and you are in my prayers....find the help you need. It's a funny contradiction--in admitting your weakness and need for help, you become stronger than you have ever been before! Be strong, Mama!

[stacylsc]

Thanks, gals....I spoke to the OB Nurse and told her my symptoms...she would like to see me hang in there over the weekend...I'm 17 days from delivery and because I was so drugged for the first week because of the C-section so she really thinks its just been ten days or so...and without a history of depression she would like to see how things go...could just be severe "blues"...she's going to follow up with me on Monday/Tuesday of next week and we'll go from there. She is going to let my OB know that I called and if he thinks differently she was going to get back to me....he wasn't in the office, though, until this AM (Friday)...so it wouldn't be until today. Thanks for all your support...I'll keep you posted.