Need advice regarding 11 y.o. and school

[crystaldawn]

I don't even know where to begin. Maybe I need to vent more than anything but I could definately use advice as well.

I have an 11 yo ds, a 6 yr old dd, a 16 mo old dd and I am currently pregnant with #4... I only go into all of this because I think the fact that we decided to have more children may be the reason or part of the reason our 11 yo is acting out.

He has always been an all A student. Very typical "oldest child" very "type A" focused. loves school, loves to read. His teachers have often called him gifted and pushed him above and beyond and he's thrived in these situations.

BUT this year has been totally different. I feel like I have to chase him around to make sure he's getting his school work done. He often HAS it done yet does not turn it in... therefore he's getting zeros on all of these missing assignments, which of course is bringing his grades down tremendously. I never never thought we'd be in this boat with him... I just don't know what to do. I've attacked this problem from all different angles. My dh has talked to him, we've tried rewarding for actually getting things in, to taking away priveledges for NOT getting them done. My younger brother (who is one of my ds's fave ppl) has taken him to a movie and dinner and brought of the problem etc.

Today I checked his grades because we are at the end of the trimester and he has a whole assignment missing in his math just this previous week which actually brought his grade down from a B- to a C+... I'm sick about it. Sorry for rambling... please help if you have any suggestions.

[waterproofmascara]

As a middle school teacher I can tell you that this is typical behavior for boys at his age. Talk to (or even better- meet with) his teachers- they will be your best resource. They know best how to deal with him according to his personality and study habits. And they will be more willing to help him and allow makeup work if they know you are behind them.

Things I have suggested in the past that worked included:

*a parent sitting down at an agreed time at an agreed place for homework together (give him some say in when and where)

*giving him 30 minutes or an hour of free time when he gets home to unwind before making him start on homework (think about how tired you are after 8 hours of work- he feels the same way)

*earning game time by doing time on homework (i.e 30 minutes spent on homework= 30 minutes on wii, playing baseball, whatever he likes to do)

*give him a small reward for every 5 points that he adds to his average.

*get rid of his backpack and get him a binder with homework folders for each class. Only allow him to carry the binder back and forth. He will be less likely to lose his stuff if he has a smaller place to keep it. And if you are doing homework with him you can be sure that it gets put in the right folder.

If he sees you are not going to let up and you are serious, chances are good he will start taking it seriously again too. Good luck!

[mamaduck]

What grade is he in? Is he in the oldest grade in an elementary school, or has he changed schools this year for middle school?

I agree with the pp that it is age appropriate behavior, and I like the suggestions for keeping him organized. However, if he is in 5th grade at an elementary school that he has attended for several years, I would be open to possibility that something is bothering him at or about school. Can he talk to a counselor at school? Can a counselor or an administrator observe him at school, discreetly?

[crystaldawn]

He is in 6th grade which is in the middle school. I know that is part of the issue as well.

I've even had my brother talk to him to see if there is something bothering him... thinking he wouldn't tell me but he'd open up to him over his parents.

I have talked to his teachers but I'm thinking that I need to be talking to them more... Thanks so much for the suggestions so far!!

[karne]

Originally Posted by waterproofmascara

*get rid of his backpack and get him a binder with homework folders for each class. Only allow him to carry the binder back and forth. He will be less likely to lose his stuff if he has a smaller place to keep it. And if you are doing homework with him you can be sure that it gets put in the right folder.

OT from the original post, but this is brilliant. My middle schooler has been struggling a lot with the multiple folders-one or more is always lost or forgotten, which amounts to disaster at homework time. I love the idea of putting them all in one large binder together!

[waterproofmascara]

Originally Posted by karne

OT from the original post, but this is brilliant. My middle schooler has been struggling a lot with the multiple folders-one or more is always lost or forgotten, which amounts to disaster at homework time. I love the idea of putting them all in one large binder together!

Thank you! This is one of the best ideas I have ever come up with. My teaching team has actually made this a requirement for our students. Put a tab, homework folder and paper for each class in the order that the child has the class. Any workbooks the child has also go into the binder in the class section. We have had waaaaay less missing assignments this way.

[ollyoxenfree]

A daytimer/agenda also helps for tracking assignments and keeping an eye on deadlines. If he isn't used to using one, it would help to have his teachers on board. They can give him a reminder to write his homework into the agenda, and you can check it with him every day when he gets home from school.

There are computer tools that can help too, to calendar and organize longer term projects, tests etc. It's a little less useful than an agenda that he can carry with him to school, unless he carries a laptop or has computer access at school. Some kids like using the computer though, so they're more inclined to keep up a calendar on the computer than in print.

What does he say about not turning in completed work? Does he forget it at home or leave it in his locker? Lose it on the way to school? I would explore that with him a little more to find out where the process is breaking down.

[crystaldawn]

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree

What does he say about not turning in completed work? Does he forget it at home or leave it in his locker? Lose it on the way to school? I would explore that with him a little more to find out where the process is breaking down.

lol actually getting an answer out of him is pretty impossible these days... he just sort of looks down and says "Uhh I don't know" sooooo frustrating to this mama. I have a friend who is older and her youngest is his age. She says her boys were similar at this age, that was actually reassuring in a way.

The day I went to talk to his LA teacher she told me that she knows he does his work he just doesn't exactly know where it is when it's time to turn it in. She said I could go search his locker... I said "uhh no thanks, pretty sure if he can't find it there's no way for me to do it" She has been SO awesome about his missing/late work, allows him to turn it in when ever it makes it to the classroom... I'm wondering if this needs to stop though so he doesn't end up thinking it's okay to turn things in when HE gets around to it and not when it's actually DUE.

He does have folders for each class... he also keeps a planner because they have to for school but I don't think he utilizes it very well... so I am going to start asking to actually look at it every night.

Thanks again!

[mtiger]

LOL Talk about memories... My boy did the same at that age.

When I talked to him abut it, I emphasized that "I don't know" isn't an answer. Because he really DOES know - he just doesn't want to tell, for whatever reason. Then we sat down and made a list of possible reasons why he wasn't doing and/or handing in his work - already knows the material, doesn't find it interesting, simply forgot, had his mind on a certain girl in class, etc, etc. Different reasons had different solutions.

For the bored, already know the material, isn't interested, I explained to him how poor grades in 6th grade would affect his placement in classes in 7th (which is when they start tracking) and 8th, and how THOSE grades would determine his placement in HS. And while he may be bored now (and that I could help him find more interesting things to learn once he got the scut work out of the way), it would be even worse as he got older. He's a mature kid, so it helped him to see how buckling down (or not) in 6th grade would impact the classes he could take in HS and beyond.

I also set up a conference with his teacher, him and myself so that we could further brainstorm solutions to the "problem". I asked that we each bring ideas to the table. His teacher was more than willing to help - and having a hand in finding solutions really helped my boy get back on track.

Just some ideas. Good luck. Oh - and expect to have to sit on him again in HS.