friend in a relationship with married man *update post 36*

[slinden]

my best friend (like a sister--friends since she was born, i'm only a few years older) recently admitted to me that she was having a relationship with a married man. they're supposedly "perfect" together, so that is what makes the adultery acceptable to her, from what i gather. she's been single for several years and has a history of depression. the man is supposedly in a theoretically open marriage (he and his wife discussed the topic recently) but the fact of my friend and the man's relationship has not been revealed to the wife. i really am at a loss at how to deal with her revelation. what would you do?

[A&A]

MMOB. (mind my own business.)

[proudmomof4]

Same here - which doesn't mean you can't tell her that you don't want to discuss this topic as it makes you uncomfortable.

[gretelmom]

Originally Posted by proudmomof4

Same here - which doesn't mean you can't tell her that you don't want to discuss this topic as it makes you uncomfortable.

Oh I so disagree with this. Probably because I'm in a VERY similar situation with my (former) best friend. I still talk to her, but man is it hard. It's different for me because my friend's "boyfriend" is married and has kids and his wife does NOT know about it nor do they have an "open" marriage. Though my feeling is that if the wife doesn't know about your friend, that "open" part is probably a lie.

Regardless, my policy with my friend was that I made it VERY clear that I thought he was not to be trusted - that if he could cheat on his wife and kids with her that he would do it TO her as well, eventually. I made a lot of things clear. Then I took a deep breath and said "I do not want to talk about this. I think this is really, really bad and you're not going to like where I go with this" because many MANY things that were not nice came to my head, about how my friend is this pretty little tiny thing who has never had a kid, has no idea what the wife is going through, no idea what hte truth of their marriage is, and that she's being totally selfish and amoral... But I didn't say all that. I kept it simple.

She brought the "boyfriend" up to me again on Thursday... she said "my new boyfriend is so balanced..." I couldn't help but bust out laughing and said "Yeah, he's balanced and calm because he has a WIFE to take care of him!" and then told her "I think what you're doing is wrong and I don't want to talk about it". So I'm really not talking to her much ... but if she brings him up, I tell her every time that I think it's wrong.

If I lose her as a friend, honestly, I'm not that sad. And she's been my best friend a long, long time and I have loved that girl a long time, she's always seemed like my friend-soul-mate ... But since her own separation, she's been not herself so I'm trying to just appreciate that people change.

So my suggestion would be to tell her, "If you bring it up, I'll tell you what I think and you might not like that".

Just my two cents!

[EFmom]

I wouldn't try to meddle, but that would be the end of the friendship as far as I was concerned. A person who would do that is not a person I want in my life.

[laneysprout]

People have a lot of reasons for making the choices they do, some which might not be readily apparent. And value systems vary - what you see as adultery she might see very differently for any number of reasons. I would agree with previous posters who have suggested staying out of it - and if it makes you uncomfortable to have her confide in it, then let her know this.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Having BTDT, I would tell her exactly what I thought of the situation (Which in my case was that she was making a HUGE HUGE HUGE mistake) and try REALLY hard not to say I TOLD YOU SO, when it doesnt work out.

[lotusdebi]

Originally Posted by EFmom

I wouldn't try to meddle, but that would be the end of the friendship as far as I was concerned. A person who would do that is not a person I want in my life.

I feel this way as well.

[4Blessings]

Originally Posted by EFmom

I wouldn't try to meddle, but that would be the end of the friendship as far as I was concerned. A person who would do that is not a person I want in my life.

Exactly.


And I would tell her why I could no longer keep her in my life.

The fact that the wife doesn't know about her speaks volumes. Ick.

[Aubergine68]

A former best friend was in a relationship like this, and got pg, right after the wife revealed her pregnancy.

It was a huge roller coaster and I used up my "emotionally supporting this or any friend through drama of her own making" reserves for life, I think. We are still friendly but no longer close. There is a quote I love -- "I am too short to ride your emotional roller coaster." I pretty much told her this.

The marriage ended and my friend is now living with the father of her child, and has been for some years. Now the drama is about the relationship between her child and her step child and its mother.

[Catubodua]

not much you can do, you won't be able to talk her out of seeing him.

i would agree with some of the others - you don't have to be supportive of the relationship. tell her you disagree with her decision and you aren't going to listen to anything about him or their relationship and that you think it's wrong.

most likely she'll start avoiding you because you aren't happy for her, and it's up to you if that's something you are ok with.

[slinden]

thanks, everyone, for your thoughts. while an open marriage isn't something that would work for *my* marriage at this point, i'm not nessesarily opposed to consenting adults deciding what works for them, ykwim? however, as many of you have stated, the fact that the wife doesn't know speaks volumes, and the fact is that my friend and the man entered into a relationship together before the man and his wife had even discussed an open marriage, according to my friend.

it just makes me feel really sad that my friend, who as i mentioned has been battling low, low self esteem for years, maybe always, now feels that this is appropriate. i feel like sometimes i'm not even sure if i know her, like i'm friends with an imaginary person that maybe existed ten years ago. see, we don't live near one another and only spend the winter holidays together, so i guess it's easy to have an illusion about how a person really is. i'm not sure if i'm up to completely ending the friendship (although, a big part of me identifies with the statements that many of you are making, that a person who would do that is not someone who i want in my life), but i do realize that there is nothing i can do (and it's not my responsibility to tell her how to live her life, anyways).

so many of you have really echoed my own sentiments, and i really appreciate the support, validation, and the space to organize my thoughts. i don't really have any "real life" CLOSE friends (besides my husband), so it makes it extra hard.

~aubergine68, your friend's drama rollercoaster is something i can relate to... although my friend's drama revolves around a poor self-image, i have tried to support her in the past but now am starting to really realize that maybe these problems of her are not something i can "fix" or even really help her with at all... i don't want to get sucked in to something really bad, now.

it makes me feel horrible, because i think, "that is when a friend needs you most--when life is at its worst... how could you leave her now? she needs you." but i think maybe i need to face that she is MAKING these choices. she is choosing to do things, to herself, that will hurt her.

~gretelmom, this friend is a soul-sister type, to me, too. thank you for your suggestion.

~Catubodua, she'd already been avoiding me, for weeks/maybe months (i'm not sure exactly how long it's been going on, but it sounds like the've ben involved since well before valentine's day), but she told me that she's been dreading telling me, and so i assume that's why i hadn't heard from her in over a month! wierd, huh?

~A&A, proudmomof4, EFmom, laneysprout, Barbie64g, lotusdebi, Proud2BeAnAmerican, THANK YOU for your suggestions and your comments.

i feel like this is a really volatile situation and i don't want to move too fast and make a spark.

[LROM]

As a friend I would have a different take, and OP you've already alluded to it when you've talked about how low your friend's self esteem is.

I'd ask her whether she realizes how much her choice to be in this secret relationship with an unavailable man shows about her mindset and her self-image, and that it's really so negative.

It doesn't matter how "wonderful" this guy seems to her and treats her - fact is it's easy to be wonderful to someone who you don't really have to face day-to-day life realities with. AND as someone else said, he's got a wife handling the wifely issues.

She's dating a liar and a cheat, no way around it because the wife doesn't know. I'd ask my friend (and have asked the good friend who was in the same situation) "Why are you lowering your standards like this, why are you accecpting such a flawed situation and a situation that likely has no future?"

In my friend's situation the relationship went on for years and even got to the point where she was friendly with his wife, who didn't know at all. Then the wife found an email and called her husband, then my friend, and just went ballistic. Then the wife had her husband call my friend and tell my friend how he never loved her, she was always just for sex, and he's never speaking to her again. And he never did.

As hard as that was for her, I always said "What else did you expect? And now what will you do differently in terms of how you see yourself and what you want for yourself? Will you settle like this again?" She's now in a relationship - its not perfect but no relationship ever is, but at least he's AVAILABLE and isn't lying to anyone else to be with her! I think she learned her lesson.

I hope your friend learns before it has to burn her down completely.

[Care Lee]

If someone was my 'soul sister best friend' I would not just dump her friendship... I mean I might not agree with her choice of boyfriend and I would tell her that she deserved better... But really? Dump a lifelong best friend for being in a relationship with a man who told her he was in an open marraige? I've made plenty of bad choices and mistakes- I'm glad my best friend is always there to offer me love, compassion, and her honest opinion.

[rhiOrion]

I wouldn't dump her friendship based on this one thing.

I would probably just not bring it up, but if she brings it up then I would explain how you feel about it.

And I can see that a big part of how you feel has to do with your worry for her. I'd make sure she knows that you don't think she's the most horrible person ever, but that what she is doing is horrible, and that it's also potentially going to really hurt several people, including her. That you are saying all of this because you love her, and don't want to see her get hurt. But at the same time, that you also think this is all completely unfair to the wife in the situation (I just don't see how saying you have an open marriage and then hiding an affair is actually having an open marriage), and for her to imagine being the wife.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'd try to be empathetic to the personality reasons that she would get herself involved in a situation like this, while at the same time making it very clear that you do NOT agree with what she's doing.

I'd also tell her that you'll be there for her if/when this ends badly, but that you don't feel comfortable being her confidant in a cheating relationship.

[slinden]

LROM--thanks for sharing your experience. i'm sorry that your friend had such a difficult time, i, too, hope that things work out for my friend.

care lee--thanks for sharing your feelings. i agree "dumping" the friendship isn't what i'm planning on doing either, but i suggest you read my posts a bit more closely. my friend isn't just in a relationship with a man in an open marriage... they began the relationship as an affair.. there was no understaning between the husband and wife, and just recently was there a supposed discussion. either way, they're still sneaking around about it, which seems a bit dishonest to me. and as i just said, i'm not planning on just dumping my friend, but i think sometimes a person does need to reevaluate friendships, especially when one party continually is making poor choices that will hurt themselves.

rhiOrion--thank you for your input as well. you're right, i do worry about her, a lot. not, like, continually, but as in a general concern for her well-being. she seemingly has a lot going for her, pretty, smart, well eduacated, good job and bright prospects, but her emotional inner workings are, well... from what i've been privy to, it's often a pretty sad state of affairs.

i am already a mom, a wife, a grad student and i have a part-time job. when i think of a good friend, i think of a person who makes an effort (regularly) to contact me, someone who i can be close with, someone who has similar values and interests (not completely the same, but at least similar in many ways), and someone who is a mature adult... and acts like one. i'm not saying i'm perfect--we all have our things to work out, but i guess what i mean is maybe i'm investing too much emotion in a relationship where the other person is not at a point or is not capable of investing a similar amount in it. so why should i keep opening up my life and feelings to the torment and drama? i'm not talking months here... i'm talking years and years of this, off and on. it was fine when we were younger, because everyone has a growing up period, but it's getting old.

oh, also, i did ask her about where she sees the relationship going, and since she's thinking about moving in a year or so, she told me she's fine with the short-term aspect of the relationship... although she admitted that she'd still end up hearbroken

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so i emailed her the other day, the first time i'd made contact since the big revelation, and i basically told her that i felt like what she was doing was wrong, and i pointed out that the guy is lying ot his wife, so how did she know he wasn't lying to her? then i said if she really wants to be with the guy, she needs to speak with the husband and wife and get it out in the open. i told her that she wasn't just in a relationship with the guy, but she was affecing an innocent bystander (his wife). finally, i told her that i love her, but i want her to hold herself to a higher standard and that i recongized the courage it took in her to tell me about the relationship (because she was clearly dreading admitting it to me, but did so anyway because she said hiding it from me was killing her). i told her i just wanted her to be happy and that i will stand by her even if we make different choices in life.

i haven't heard back yet.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by A&A

MMOB. (mind my own business.)

Yep. Stay out of it.

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by slinden

my best friend (like a sister--friends since she was born, i'm only a few years older) recently admitted to me that she was having a relationship with a married man. they're supposedly "perfect" together, so that is what makes the adultery acceptable to her, from what i gather. she's been single for several years and has a history of depression. the man is supposedly in a theoretically open marriage (he and his wife discussed the topic recently) but the fact of my friend and the man's relationship has not been revealed to the wife. i really am at a loss at how to deal with her revelation. what would you do?

If you are as close as you say you are you should be able to tell her how you feel about it. At least I know that my BFF and I ( friends for 30 years) are able to tell each other the hard stuff. We have both told each other how we felt when the other one was making a huge mistake or messing up and realize that it was coming from a place of love and wanting the best for the other person.

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by slinden

so i emailed her the other day, the first time i'd made contact since the big revelation, and i basically told her that i felt like what she was doing was wrong, and i pointed out that the guy is lying ot his wife, so how did she know he wasn't lying to her? then i said if she really wants to be with the guy, she needs to speak with the husband and wife and get it out in the open. i told her that she wasn't just in a relationship with the guy, but she was affecing an innocent bystander (his wife). finally, i told her that i love her, but i want her to hold herself to a higher standard and that i recongized the courage it took in her to tell me about the relationship (because she was clearly dreading admitting it to me, but did so anyway because she said hiding it from me was killing her). i told her i just wanted her to be happy and that i will stand by her even if we make different choices in life.

i haven't heard back yet.

Good for you, you spoke your peace but did it in a loving way. I hope she takes you message as it was intended, concern from someone who cares for her very much and wants the best for her.

[slinden]

Arduinna--thank you. yes, that was what i was trying to do. i hope she takes it that way as well! thanks for your support