friend in a relationship with married man *update post 36* - Page 4

[LROM]

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by slinden

Linda on the Move, I appreciate your comments in this thread and a lot of what you've said resonates with me. I literally felt COMPELLED to tell her my feelings on her revelation, not only because she basically came to me and wanted my approval, but also for a different reason. I've been working hard on being true to myself and following my intuition, etc. If I hadn't had said something, I would have felt personally responsible.

your welcome! Infidelity is so very, very destructive. I *couldn't* be in a conversation with someone who was currently in denial about that simple fact and just nod my head like everything was peachy.

The fallout from affairs is truly horrific to watch. If this blows up in this guys face, he will most likely never live with his children again. It's just selfish to get one's ego stroked by destroying someone else's family. (And she's a fool if she thinks he is telling her the truth about what is really going on in his marriage).

The only good way for this to end is for one of them to come to their senses and just stop it. If a friend helps poke them in the right direction, then that friend is helping them out.

I do think Berry987's situation is different when compared with mine, because as you say, saying "I told you so" after the fact wouldn't really be a particularly useful comment.

I totally agree. When someone has messed up really big and they know they've messed up really big, compassion is far better suited than a lecture.

My marriage survived my husband having an affair, and since I'm honest about that with close friends, I've heard several other families' stories. I have a friend who told me about her cheating on her husband, him finding out, and how that played out for them. I feel compassion for her for the heavy load of guilt that she carries and can't let go of. Being able to be honest with each other has helped both our marriages move forward.

But no, I could NEVER be supportive of someone who was actively involved in infidelity.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

Originally Posted by gretelmom

Oh I so disagree with this. Probably because I'm in a VERY similar situation with my (former) best friend. I still talk to her, but man is it hard. It's different for me because my friend's "boyfriend" is married and has kids and his wife does NOT know about it nor do they have an "open" marriage. Though my feeling is that if the wife doesn't know about your friend, that "open" part is probably a lie.

Regardless, my policy with my friend was that I made it VERY clear that I thought he was not to be trusted - that if he could cheat on his wife and kids with her that he would do it TO her as well, eventually. I made a lot of things clear. Then I took a deep breath and said "I do not want to talk about this. I think this is really, really bad and you're not going to like where I go with this" because many MANY things that were not nice came to my head, about how my friend is this pretty little tiny thing who has never had a kid, has no idea what the wife is going through, no idea what hte truth of their marriage is, and that she's being totally selfish and amoral... But I didn't say all that. I kept it simple.

She brought the "boyfriend" up to me again on Thursday... she said "my new boyfriend is so balanced..." I couldn't help but bust out laughing and said "Yeah, he's balanced and calm because he has a WIFE to take care of him!" and then told her "I think what you're doing is wrong and I don't want to talk about it". So I'm really not talking to her much ... but if she brings him up, I tell her every time that I think it's wrong.

If I lose her as a friend, honestly, I'm not that sad. And she's been my best friend a long, long time and I have loved that girl a long time, she's always seemed like my friend-soul-mate ... But since her own separation, she's been not herself so I'm trying to just appreciate that people change.

So my suggestion would be to tell her, "If you bring it up, I'll tell you what I think and you might not like that".

Just my two cents!

THANK YOU FOR THIS! I wish you were my friend!
I am the "wife" in this same scenario---stbx is cheating. And we have little kids. So to heck with me--but really--my 6 and 8 year old child? Really?
If she were any kind of woman, she'd run for the hills. She doesn't see that the damage she is doing goes WAY beyond that of just breaking up a marriage...it's ruining lives.
YES, I understand that the HUSBAND is to blame. I get that. But why would any woman put herself into that situation?
Here's my philosophy: live a clean, pure life. Don't put yourself into a situation that is just wrong at all...whether you are a victim, or even not at fault (such as being the other woman)...I mean, really, we say we want to recycle to keep the planet a good place for children--well, then let's think of children ALL the time--not just when it's convenient.
I know the logic might not be clear here, but bear with me: I am reading a book called Tis a Gift to be Simple. And in the book, the author talks about general "attitudes" that people take in life--and one of them is: I know that the way I live my life has an impact on people that I've never met.
Well, if you believe that this is true--then we have to live our lives to do things to be careful of others--including the way we care for our earth as it does impact others we have never met, and the way we care for others in our immediate lives. Her life will impact people she had never met. So it's better not to be there--even if he claims he is unhappy, etc.